1. How many of you have been in long-term relationships (say 10+ years) and this is the first affair in your marriage?<P>I am very curious as this crisis came as such a complete shock to me after 20+ years of a peaceful marriage. I had no warning from H that he was unhappy. He told me that he wasn't even aware of how unhappy he was!! The passion with OW (23 yrs. younger than him) caught him by surprise, according to him. Strange, huh? This contributes to my intense pain as I feel like I never even had a chance.<P>2. How many of you feel like this crisis is more about H's futile efforts to recapture youth, than about supposed problems in the marriage?<P>I don't deny that we have many areas in our marriage that could be improved upon. Like communication--- H has a terrible time expressing deep feelings, especially if they are negative. And, I am non-confrontational, by nature.<P>In hindsight, there were some situations that served as classic triggers for the affair. Unfortuneately, we were both too ignorant to recognize the warnings: <P>A. H's frustration at not being able to land fulltime employment that would be comparable to what I am making.<P>B. Heart arrythmias that were terrifying to him. Once again, I assumed the role of protector/fixer & immediately got him in to see a cardiologist. Everything checked out okay, so I thought he was fine.<P>C. The final blow was having to face the end of his military career. The last vestige he had of "importance".<P>D. He also exhibited signs of depression with countless references to 'getting old', feeling like a failure, etc.<P>Anyway, I guess I just feel like I am up against a lot more than just problems in the marriage. And, I'm wondering how many others are up against the same thing?

Sidney you and I seem to be in the same boat. Last August would have been 27 years. He has been feeling the empty nest, and he has really been conerned about getting old ( he will be 50 in Dec.) You know I should have seen this obession with age coming his mother had problems about getting old, she still colors her hair (76) use to talk about getting a face lift things like that. But Never in a million years did I ever think that this would happen. It is that horrible mid life crisis, and I think it is harder to deal with. And that scares me to death. I know my H was frustrated with not being able to keep a job. Having to go through our S kidney failure( the actual sleeping with her started one month after we found out about S. The being a failure is the killer I think I know the OW is a failure and I think he thinks that is were he belongs. Plus the fantasy of being young she is about 14 years younger then him. She also has younger children maybe he want a second chance at raising kid.(Fat chance she walked out on her kids her H has them.) <BR>I'm sorry to say we both share a lot. We face the same problems. I know this doesn't really help but at least we can compare note and know what each other is feeling and going through.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I have you EMail address - I copied it down from one of your previous posts. I will send you something once I get another mailbox set up at home. H still has access to our PC at home, so I have to be careful.<P>Take care.

Well, I fall into the realm of your question. Married 17 years. I betrayed. We tried plan A & B but were not successful. Personally I go back an review the whole "Emotional Needs" subject and tend to believe that over time each persons expectations or "Emotional Needs" and how well they are met in the relationship is more of the issue than "Life Events" or "Mid-Life Crisis" or "Contributing Factors". I think anyone who is upfront and honest with themselves and takes the Marriage Builders "Emotional Needs Test" will see that meeting emotional needs is the "Glue" that helps couples cope with and endure Life Challenges (Health, Growing Old, Career Transition/Job Loss, etc.) Have you looked at the emotional needs information and discussed it with your partner? It is something that can help you to better understand.<P>mr rlk

mrrk, I know this isn't my thread but, I have to respond. Yes I looked at the emotional needs and yes there were some problems there. But when something so out of character so off the wall happens. There is more to it then the needs. He pushed me away to the point I quit trying. I knew something was wrong but nothing I did would help, my biggest regret is that we didn't seek counseling earlier. All of htis hit about the time our children were leaving home and he felt like he had accomplished anything. Mid life Crisis. He sees him self as a failure, nothing anyone me including could and did say to him had any affect. What needs were misssing I went to work on big time. BUt he couldn't get over the failure problem. The OW fits in because I think he feels this is what he deserves. It is the low life person that she is that attracts him maybe she is such a looser that he feels better then she so it boost him up I don't know. I will be the first to admit that we have problems but they were being worked on. At least I thought they were. Tlaking to him I haven't heard from him in two months. Plus another big sympton of MLC is the way they go off and break ALL contact with ALL the Family. If it was just his needs not being meet, he would have some contact with his family because that is the kind of person he is. He hasn't even called his parents and that is not like him! <BR>Soory Sidney I know this is your thread but I had to respond. I don't think people realize just how devastating MLC is. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

My husband and I sound a lot like you guys. Married 25 years, empty nest setting in, his fear of getting older, loss of "cush" job, having new job with less pay, lots of stress, building a house where costs went sky high, death of father, death of best friend. While I know all these things contributed, we did not communicate well and I held resentments that he did not contribute at all to running the household. Thus, I distanced myself from him at times. We tried plan A, he still was depressed. We agreed to separate in August. some progress, but he is still depressed and doesn't know what he wants. He is transferring to another town for a promotion. He keeps saying he "wants to find a light". Admits he isn't any happier now that I'm gone than he was when we were together. Letting go of our house was hard, but I've gotten over that. Letting go of him will be even more hard, but I'll eventually get over that too if things don't work out. I've finally decided if he won't help himself with some therapy after he's had time to get settled, I'm moving on to Plan B.

SDS- no need to apologize! This thread belongs to all of us. Yes, I do understand what you are going through. Yes, there are needs not being met (on both sides). But, it is so much more than that, as you and I both know. My H has lost his way. It is so hard to stick to Plan B and go off and abandon him when in my heart I truly believe he needs help. He has confided to me that he is not thinking rationally. He is exhibiting many signs of depression; insomnia, restlessness, loss of interest in life, obsessive behavior, agitation, etc.<P>Janie- our situations sound amazingly similar. I have been carrying nearly all the load for the last 5 years. I, too, had resentments building that I tried to squelch. But they surfaced through venting about my job. I think my underlying intent was to motivate him to seek fulltime employment and help me with the bills. This ended up backfiring as it made him feel worse, and more like a failure. Overall, I think that most men will not seek out medical help (just how they have been programmed in our culture). So, I have sought out the help. I gave him a number to call, and he did follow up and see a therapist for 3 sessions. I don't think she did him much good (I found out later she was merely a licensed social worker.) Now, I am providing him an opportunity for more counseling after the first of the year by switching healthcare plans. He won't take the initiative to do it himself (says it costs too much!). But, I want to make sure he gets in with someone that will be able to help him. I think he knows that there is something wrong with him as he has expressed gratitude to me for having a chance to have more therapy. Will keep you posted with the progress.<P>Good luck to you all...