Thanks KayC. I was really busy this past weekend and did not have a chance to log on.

I have similar lists, although I tossed the old ones I made after my marriage broke down. Maybe I felt that I should not look for 'perfection'. I am not, but I felt when I started dating my boyfriend, I caught myself doing this: "oh, I like this new b.f. has - that's something my XH didn't have", but "I wish he also has this, something my XH did have....�

I remember telling my girlfriends "I wish I could combine the two'. They are polar opposite. My XH is cute, boyish, warm, loving, but very irresponsible, unreliable, lazy, risk-seeker, not athletic, and a chronic liar. My b.f. is very responsible, hardworking, reliable, honest, but cold, emotionally constipated, not very giving, and a glass-half-empty guy.

I probably chose the person who is so different from my XH, thinking that I would not have the same issues I had with my XH. That was true; my b.f. does not have any addiction problems, has a strong will, does not lie, and has a strong sense of responsibility. However, he seems very cold, does not say any warm words, he is always criticizing other people including myself, and the whole world. He is always negative. That drains me.

I had an incident yesterday with my b.f. that really got me thinking that I need to get out of this relationship.

Hope everyone had a nice trick-or-treat day yesterday!

Milkshake,
You know the first thing I did when I moved to Boston was order a milkshake (at Brigham's) expecting some thick drink with ice-cream; No dice. That's a Frappe. I had a lot of learning to do, lol.

Hey, I'm sorry things aren't going like you hope with the b.f. Now that I've had a date, I can totally see the tendency to compare and contrast. It's your point of reference. Your ex is what you're familiar with. Not sure what to do with that sentiment or how it applies to anything, I just wanted to say I understand your post and I just wanted to thank you for making the observation. It helps to see what others are going through.

If dating is supposed to be the "best foot forward" approach, then an incident I suppose tells you alot. Kinda like the thing TTF went through. I'm starting to understand how important it is to get a clear sense of what your deal-breakers are, and to recognize red flags. From reading others' threads, and trying to get some perspective on all this, it seems like the tendency would be to overlook the flags and compromise on the deal-breakers, especially if one is not ready to be......alone again.

I guess we have to be strong enough not to go where we've already been. This site offers support to that end, I think.

good luck.

Opt

Milkshake, don't forget that it's OK to be single! Sometimes it's actually a big relief not to have to think of anyone else, just yourself and your son!

Your son will still be living with you for another 10 years and I'm sure you don't want to wait that long for another relationship, so it's important to find someone who will be a good step parent and role model for him.

One thing I did with my kids was to get them involved in activities with good male role models that I was not dating, so they wouldn't become emotionally attached to someone who might leave them. Perhaps church activities, scouts, sports, a friend with a son could all provide activities for him.

I've found that if you live your single life in a happy, confidant way that you'll end up turning away men rather than trying to find one.

Thanks Opt and Anna. I agree, Opt, that you really need to have a clear sense of what you want and what you do not want in a partner. I am quite flexible, so I guess I tend to think "well, this may not be I am crazy about but I can live with it", but I really need to figure out what is absolutely "NO" for me.

And Anna, thanks for your kind words, that is true, I have some male friends who provide that type of role - they play with my son, take him out for fishing, talk about 'guy' stuff, etc., etc.

My uncle passed away last weekend, which really made me realize how fragile the life is. I do not want to waste my time anymore, I will look forward, happy and confident, and believe good things will be awaiting for me and my son.

Don't set the bar too low.
When the right person comes along you won't be thinking "Oh I wish he were this way or that way" he'll be just right. I know, I had that once.
Keep a list with two columns...dealbreakers and preferentials. The first they MUST have, the second are negotiable. I don't think any of us are expecting perfection, just perfect for us!

That's true, when I was REALLY in love with someone - I really didn't care about any of his 'poor' traits. That feeling - hmm, I have forgotten about!

Today I had lunch with one of the guys who are interested in me. We work in the same office. I have told him that I have a boyfriend several times. I told him again "I have a boyfriend, so if you are okay with the idea that we are having lunch as friends/colleagues, I will join you", to which he said he was fine.

I do not have any interest in him, but thought I need to get out more with friends, male or female. But I must say, it would have been more fun with my girlfriends...., I certainly could not have any of the 'girl' talk with him, lol! So I'm having a girlie lunch tomorrow

On my b.f. front, I think he is confused also. He did not want me and my son to go to his dad's house in FL for Thanksgiving yet took us to one of his uncle's house for a Halloween party. Then he took us out for my birthday on Monday (Tuesday was my birthday but I had my ballet class), and sent me beautiful flowers to my office the next day. Then he asked me if I have an interest of coming to his black-tie party this Saturday. This is a gala out of the state he attends every year, and I have been coming along each year (typically we turn this into a weekend getaway).

I think he also gets scared when he thinks of a 'split'...

Interesting stats: right after Halloween is a peak seaon for 'breakups'. Bloomberg news was showing this (yikes, how does this all relate to the capital market???) today.

Trying NOT to look back but I just came across some of my XH's emails....they are only a year old or less. How things can change in a short period of time. In them he was begging to take him back, apologized how selfish he was and how he hurt me and our son... He asked me to take my time but to really consider taking him back.

Fast forward 12 months later. He sent me a nasty email because I would not go to his folks' house over Thanksgiving because he will be there with his new girlfriend and her kids. His mom wants me and our son to be there and when I told her that XH will be there and I would feel uncomfortable so I won't be there. She must have told XH about it and now he is so upset. Sigh......

He's mad because you're not going along with his wayward fantasy of 'everyone just getting along' (Steve Harley in a session I had with him). By you exercising and defending your boundaries, he's out to dry with his conscience and glaring eyes wondering what he's doing with his life, and why you're not there.

Besides, he wants you to be in the same vicinity of his new GF and her kids. Ummmmm, that's gross. You know it. HE knows it. You standing up for yourself just shoves it in his face and doesn't allow him to avoid the facts.

You doin' the right thing, MS.

Opt

Thanks Opt.

My XH does not want to feel 'guilty' about what he did, so he wants to create a big happy family - including me, our son, AND of course his GF and her kids. I have nothing against his GF; however I just do not feel very comfortable with such setup.

Also, if XH wants to inflict some more pain on me for whatever reason (he becomes very sweet when he senses that I am totally over him or when I am being firm with my boundaries, but becomes extremely mean when he senses that I still have a soft spot for him or when he does not get what he wants from me) - he would purposefully act very 'lovey dovey' with his GF in front of me, I just know it, and I really do not need to witness that.

Milkshake, it sounds to me as if you would benefit greatly from a Plan B.

Even with you son, you could very effectively go nearly 100% NO CONTACT.

Nearly.

Ever hear of "intermediaries?"

Fred, no, we got separated way back in May 2005, and our divorce was final in 2008. In the mean time, when my XH got financial problems or scared for whatever reasons, he said he wanted to come home, although ended up admitting that he just 'used' me because he was in panic.

After the divorce was finalized, he said that he wanted to reconcile again, and when I said it might be too late, he became very determined to win me back. He did so for about a year, in the mean time I observed him - to see if he stopped lying, if he began keeping his promises, etc., however unfortunately not really. And of course, while he was telling me that he would do anything to improve himself and win his family back and told me to 'take time'....., he was online looking for a GF. He met her Feb this year, and since then he has totally been 'in love' with her. When I mentioned that "so even when you said you loved me and wanted your family back...., you were secretly looking for another woman", he replied "well, that was my plan B (not Harley's... he does not know about MB), and I am glad I did that". He also told me "you are the easiest person to lie to, because you believe everything I tell you".

I will always have a soft spot for him, which I have told him many times, but I could not trust him. It still makes me sad when I think of our broken family, but I need to look forward, especially now XH and his GF appear to be getting engaged soon or something - they are really moving forward fast!

So thanks for your comment, but no Plan A or B for us.

Milkshake, do you know the purpose of Plan B? While it ostensibly serves to make the WS think of what he or she is missing (hence the reason to work Plan A beforehand), it is NOT designed to restore marriages.

The restoration of a marriage may be one of the effects of a Plan B, but Dr. Harley states that the percentages of doing so purely on a Plan A/Plan B are frighteningly small.

No, Plan B is designed to help the BS recover! In my own case, I have been in NO CONTACT with my XWW since before the divorce became final. There have been a few cases when mutual "friends" have spoken to me about her, and even those minor "breeches" are enough to cause some discomfort. No, I'm in much better mental and emotional condition without thoughts of her forever invading my mind and trying to rent space in my head.

Soft spot or not, there is no reason at all for me to want to spend any time at all thinking, wondering, regretting or wishing. To do so is to give her control over me, and that's no way to move on, if you ask me.

milkshake, if you haven't already seen this I'm sending you the link to one of my favorite MB threads. It's titled "The Fantasy of Divorce" and talks about XWS just like yours.

And I will disagree with you on Plan B even when you are divorced. It could go a long way towards protecting your from your XWH's deliberate cruelty.

"Plan B - it ain't just for married folks anymore"

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

I've spent some time lately in loveshack.org in the breakups section because of my fiance dumping me...one of the big things I got out of reading there was they say NOT to tell them you still love them (wish I'd read that sooner) and to go on about your life and NOT let them know the pain they've inflicted...if you have to pretend you're happy until you actually get there, do so. It makes sense, you don't want them to see they have any affect on you or power over you. Drive them nuts wondering if you will, but going dark is also the big advice. It tears you up inside to see them and continually hitting yourself with the memories. Knock him off of FB, block his emails, etc. and get an intermediary to be the go between for custody issues. It also protects children from the ensuing tension, etc.

Thanks guys, I know, if I do not hear anything from my XH, my life is GOOD. Really. I do no longer think of him all that much anymore and that helps a lot. However he sneaks in my life.... and even though his entire attempt to do so is not necessarily intentional, it DOES impact me. So lately I just use email to communicate regarding our son and that's about it. He used to send me news articles and jokes, but I don't respond to those that are not related to our boy anymore.

But of course, I am the bad guy here. Despite what he did, if I do not pretend that we are all happy big family, he claims that it is "bad" for our son. Yet it was okay for him to have unhealthy addictions and walk away from his family! Go figure...

Anyway, I appreciate all of your comments, and that is so true, Plan B is not about restoring a marriage. It is to protect your own emotional well being.

Had another incident with my XH, but it is becoming more and more clear that he 'threatens' me because he thinks he can get away with it - but if I don't let him, he really can't.

Way to go! Don't give him any power!

Thanks KC! I LOVE the guy hitting with the batt thing you inserted.

How are things with you?