I found out in Feb. 08 that my wife had a ONS. I was devastated, but decided to forgive and try to rebuild our marriage, for me as well as my 2 year old son at the time. We received counseling, and over time, the pain I experienced lessened but never went away. The ONS occurred while my wife was out of town visiting family with an old boyfriend. There has been no further contact and we agreed that she wouldn't travel to her hometown alone. The distance I believe made the process easier.

This August I discovered text messages between my wife and another man that is on the board of her organization. I confronted my wife about the messages that I discovered (I guess trust hadn't been fully restored) and she admitted having an emotional connection to this OM. I also sent the OM an email confronting him on the nature of his relationship with my wife. Since he is on her board, it wasn't realistic to eliminate contact. I was assured that the inappropriate nature of their contact would stop.

Four days ago, I get a call from the OM's wife informing me that she has discovered text and email messages detailing a full blown affair. I confronted my wife and she admitted the infidelity and says that she has grown to love the OM. She said that she tried to discontinue the relationship, but "her connection was too strong". In spite of all that has happened, I still love my wife, and made the decision to try to work things out. My wife says that this is her desire as well, and she has been open and honest and remorseful about the affair.
We now have a 5 year old son and a 18 month old daughter that I can't imagine putting through a family split.

I sent the OM an email informing him that my W and I had decided to rebuild our marriage, and that he needed to refrain from contacting her. His reply to my message said that he had grown to love my W and was going to go through with a divorce from his wife (they have a 9 year old son) and didn't think that my W had made a decision to stay with me. He says that it is his desire is to be with my wife.

I'm hurting, I'm rambling, I'm tired, I don't know what to do. I know that there are more details, but I don't have the mental energy to continue this post. I'll post more later. Any suggestions/support would be much appreciated.

Thanks

Start with this man being removed from the board of "her organization". Next expose the affair to family, clergy, anyone that might help your W see the error of her ways.

Start reading the articles here and ask her what her plan is to save this marriage since she has stated that she wants to.

JL

This is what you posted in 2008:


Welcome back to MB. What did you and your WW do to recover from the first time? Having an OC adds even more stuff.


Is the 18 mo daughter the OC? Are you in guys still in contact with OM#1?

As for trust? You are absolutely correct that trust has not been restored. How could it be? Your WW had a ONS in 02/08, got pregnant, and for 9 mos you both had to face the consequences of her ONS every day, still do.

A GENERAL rule of thumb is that it takes 2 years to begin to recover from infidelity. With an OC, I imagine that number goes up. It's only been a little over 2 years (with 9 mos of that pregnant) and she's doing it again.

Can you afford to call the coaching center? That would be the optimal starting place. Do you have the book, "Surviving an Affair"? Go get it NOW, it's important.

I am so sorry you're having to deal with this again, but I'm guessing that there really was no recovery after the first affair. Dr. H says there's a very narrow path to recovery. If you want to go there, we'll help you and we'll also support you if you decide you're done. Personally, in this case, I would be well-done, but this is your life and your choice.

So:

1. Call the coaching center.
2. Get the book "Surviving an Affair".
3. Read the thread for the newly betrayed and start working the steps.
4. Get ready to do a massive exposure, just don't pull the trigger yet until you've come up with a sure fire plan to do it.

Post often and honestly.

You need to expose this affair. Tell WW parents, siblings.
Then you need to expose this affair at the organization.

Is this org. a job/business?

Also time for a paternity test.

I am so sorry for your pain. I think you need to open your eyes. Your wife cheats on you and puts your health at risk for STD's. You give her the gift of forgiveness and apparently without any consequences to her actions. Just two years later she claims she is in an emotional affair and you forgive her again without any consequences. Now you find out she has been lying to you again with this new man and it is a long full blown sexual affair again putting your health at risk for STD's. What are the consequences again?....None. What is wrong with this picture?

You are so fearful of putting your two children through pain that you are constantly allowing her to totally disrespect and humiliate you. She screws around and you forgive her again and again. This last affair was long term and she was able to fool you very nicely. What does this say about her? What does this say about you? If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been? Why would any woman respect a husband who constantly accepts her cheating and puts him at risk for STD's?

It is no surprise that she wishes to remain married since she gets to remain in her lifestyle after having sex with an old boyfriend and then engaging in a long term sexual affair with another married man. She has a totally broken moral compass and continues to play you for a fool. You think this is a healthy environment to raise your children? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She knows you will continually forgive her time and again so what does she have to risk? Her actions indicate that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

Start with exposure to family.

Second, be prepared to play hardball. That means you don't give in to all of your wife's demands.

Third, consult a lawyer and be prepared.

Fourth, don't move out of your house under any circumstances.

This is all advice as a beginning point.

You're in a bad situation because your wife has bad boundaries.

Have you tested the kids for paternity?

Finally, this is food for thought and a question you really need to come to terms with: Why put up with this abuse? Why do you subject yourself and your children to this?

Start documenting what she's doing and be prepared.

Follow everyone's advice for saving things if you wish to do so. I predict long odds on this, but it doesn't hurt to try.

The BIGGEST mistake you can make is to let her move out with your kids or for you to move out and let her do as she wishes with the affair.

Make the effort to expose this to the HR department.