It's been three years since WS and I split up. He has been living with the coworker with whom he had his affair for two years. They have a 9 mo son. I enjoyed holding him the other day as my ex fixed something on my car. We look out for each other. I have forgiven him and moved on.

And I am falling hard for someone again. He is a guy at my church. I feel like a shy girl in high school whenever I am around him. I can barely look at him. When we catch each other's eyes, I look away embarrassed, with this cheesy grin on my face.

The real problem comes when he tries to talk to me.

I have a lot of friends at church. I am personable and make people laugh, hard. I am also very warm and a hugger. I am always chatting or having a deep conversation with someone.

Then he comes up and tries to talk to me. I find myself responding harshly and dismissively every time. Thoughtless words come out of my mouth that I regret immediately. He should give up. I'm a mess.

I would LOVE to go out with this guy. He's sweet and handsome. But I keep throwing up walls to even mere friendship.

Has anyone else had this occur, and if so, how did you overcome it? I worry that I am taking some manner of latent anger with my ex out on him -- when, as far as I know, I'm not even angry anymore.

Hi Imagination, I know it's the weekend and readership is reduced, but since no one's responded yet, I thought I'd weigh in. Smarter folks than I will no doubt add their thoughts, pushing mine to the bottom of the heap.

When I read how you behave around this fellow, I thought immediately of the schoolboy who pulls the girl's pigtails and otherwise treats the girl he has a crush on harshly. This is partly to keep his own self-image intact, and also -- and this is the important part -- to keep his image intact among his chums.

I am not qualified to diagnose whether you are harboring resentments or other "issues" that cause you to behave this way. More importantly though, is that since you appear to recognize this is behavior of yours you don't like, the question is why aren't you doing something about it?

Personally, I care very little about what others think of me. That is, except for the people I wish to make part of my circle. If you read any of my posts, you will see that one of the major problems I have is in asking someone for a date. This does not mean that I treat them harshly -- I just can't bring myself to ask.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, "stop it." I doubt you are a schoolgirl anymore (I could be wrong, but I'm writing from the perspective of not being a schoolboy), so playing schoolgirl games is unseemly, unfashionable, and in the long run, unproductive.

Would it be possible for you to approach him some time when you or he are not surrounded by friends? I would think a perfect opening for you would be some sort of amends/apology. Something to the affect, "I want to say I'm not the gruff, dismissive woman you might believe me to be. I'd like to ask if I can start over, and see if we can't be friends?"

If he were me, I'd be totally disarmed, and that might make for the beginning of a wonderful friendship!

Actually that all seems pretty insightful to me Fred. I admit I was at a total loss reading this post for the first time.
I particularly like the approach. Imagination, you can put things on the right track with something like what Fred suggested, I think. Just be honest and let him know you didn't mean to be off-putting...nerves played a roll, history, whatever. I would think he would appreciate that. And you know what, if he doesn't appreciate your honesty then perhaps it wasn't meant to be anyway -- all you can be is yourself, right?
Same here. I'd be totally flattered that someone would go to those lengths to be straight with me.

BTW, it might be one of the hardest things to imagine doing, but I'd be willing to bet a lot that approaching the guy will pay off in one way or another, if even just to make you feel like you put some of this behind you.

I hope you'll be back to let us know how it went.



-Optimism

Thanks for your insights.

Just so you know, this guy is very handsome and sweet. I think he could get a date with just about any of the women at church. He is very kind, loving, personable, and liked by many. I would be proud to go out on a date with him. There is no issue at all with fears that my friends would think less of me. Quite the opposite.

I haven't felt so strongly toward anyone since my WS, and we were together over 20 years. It seems impossible that this new man is interested in me. I keep pushing him away. I don't want to get hurt.

Every time we actually talk, we are either alone, or just a few people are around who aren't paying any attention. I don't think anyone at church knows we are even acquainted with each other. We wouldn't be, if he hadn't approached me so many times.

I thought back today on my relationship with WS, and on our first date he said he thought I hated him because I barely spoke. He was also a very handsome guy, popular -- and I was this shy girl who didn't know what he wanted from me. He said later that if he had any idea what an ice princess I was in the first place, he would have run for the hills. He just kept pursuing me, and finally broke me down.

Anyways, maybe I could send this guy a simple note of apology. In person, I believe I would fall apart. How about this?:

"I don't know if you even noticed, but I feel that I was standoffish toward you yesterday. You are a nice man, and did not deserve that. I may not seem shy, but I am around new people, and it comes out unexpectedly.

I appreciate that you go the extra mile to help out everyone. Your efforts are really making a difference."

I think that sounds good, keeping it short and simple. I would probably want to see a counselor too to see why you're responding as you are and how to best tackle it. It could be any number of reasons...self-sabotaging can be as a result of thinking you don't deserve good, or it can be a way of ruining something before someone else has a chance to do it, or it could be fear of dealing with what it might entail...there's many other possibilities, that's why a counselor might be effective in helping you explore your particular situation.

I second kay's suggestion for a counselor to help you understand why you act this way. You are not in middle school, yet you are acting that way for no apparent reason. I don't think this is a matter of writing a note (more middle school stuff), but a cause for some self evaluation.

AGG

Your anger may well be a defense mechanism to keep you from being devastated again. There is no way on earth I could do what you are doing: Be "friends" with a man who dumped me for someone else, and then stand there and be nice while holding *their* child.

My guess is that your anger comes from the resentment you feel at being in that position with your XWH. Did someone convince you that you should "be nice" and "be friends" and "be civilized"?

Please look at the MB thread below and see if this sounds like your situation:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

I agree with Mulan, I do believe you are trying to protect yourself and putting up a wall around you. Which I think we all do, especially after we experienced something very difficult and hurting.

Why don't you go talk to him, rather than writing a note?

Did you speak to him?

Yes, I have seen that thread before. I have forgiven my ex-husband and his mistress. It has given me a great deal of peace and, more importantly, it is helping us to raise a child who is happy and balanced despite her difficult circumstances. What my ability to talk to him may or may not do for him psychologically (ie, thinking that he has two women) is not of concern to me. He came and finished fixing something on my car yesterday. He was crabby and in a hurry. All I could think of was the guy I am falling for, and was smiling so much I inadvertently noticed my ex cheering up. In the past, I would have been fixated on his reactions to me. Now, good for him.

Since I wrote this initially, I have found my voice with my crush. I was in a meeting room preparing to give my testimony at church yesterday. My role was to encourage everyone before we went on an outreach. I was planning to talk about how my marriage and much of everything else I depended upon fell apart, and how God has used that to help me to understand what really matters in life. My crush came over to where I was nervously preparing and shared a scripture with me to encourage me, and then kept being supportive. Afterward, we went on the outreach, and his kindness and attentiveness won me over and I felt somewhat comfortable talking with him. I don't know how he feels about me, but knowing that there is a man in the world to whom I can feel such connection gives me hope.

I was reading in another thread here about a guy who is dating someone for the first time after his divorce, and how intense the feelings are. I'm not even dating this guy, and I thought I was losing my mind because he was always on it. It's nice to know that this is normal. I'm healing.