Have the courage to stand still and accept that growth takes time, patience, and care.
Apply time, patience and care to your own growth.
No one can do that growth for you.
In fact, having someone you "need" so much probably weakens you.

Can you see that?
You feel weak & needy ... don't collapse.
Be strong.
Be brave.

Wisdom is not yet yours.
Wisdom will not be yours until you slow down, stop spinning, and be still.

Go ahead and grieve.
There is wisdom in that grief.
Do not be afraid of grief.
It is a step towards wisdom.

Wow. A pentagon blast from Pepper!

Great advice.

I know!
I know!


My chit is all over the place. I am bouncing the walls at the moment. I need to find my ying and yang.



I know how depressing. OK time to get my chit together, really, I am grown woman about to be 35 on Saturday (yuk) so perhaps I could start acting like one, instead of crying into my cornflakes over my WH/OM/fertility....

I am giving myself 2 x 4's now

OK I will start weeding my garden, I have been doing a little bit, but boy oh boy do I need this time on my own. I would like to refer to myself as damaged goods at the moment.

I have no idea where to start. I am doing lots of good things like eating well, excercising, working hard, spending time with friends and family ect..

I just need to find some peace, and like everyone says BE STILL.

I feel that I need to be doing SOMETHING all the time. I guess I just need to learn to chill.

On a plus note I have been doing some thinking on JLs post so more to report back later.

Ouch still hurting from that clang over the head.

Thanks Pepper.

I could feel myself going under, but to be honest something must be working because I AM NOT going to collapse.

You're in transition. That's how I see it.



Sounds to me like a very good start.


As my DD21 says: "Whatevs"

Plan something great for your birthday.

Mark Twain said, something to this effect,

"When I was 16 I wondered how my father had survived this long not knowing anything, By the time I turned 30 I wondered how he had acomplished so much and where he got his wisdom"

Your not alone Harmony, I wonder why God chose to let me live with all the stupid things I did in youth, and how I still have been blessed with so many things.

We will go thru life learning allways, seize the oportunity at every turn, and value the lessons learned. There is a reason for this season in your life. Just hang in there.

If it doesn't rain it pours.

Went round my mums for dinner. I was a still a bit upset cause H birthday tomorrow, but cheered me up loads.

My SD came in and was really rude practically ignored me, interuppted me and did not looked pleased to see me. He then launched into this massive attack saying this was his house and he will do what he likes and that if we want to carry on the conversation then we should go in the other room. He also said that I was mourneful and dour and everyone thinks so cause he hears them talking about me.

Sorry I do not have much time for this man, I can't help it, I have tried so hard for my mothers sake. I have always been polite to him, but something just wanted to make me let him know that he wasn;t entitled to pass opinion on me or treat me disrespectfully by interupting me and ignoring me.

It ended up with me telling him where he could stick his judgements and who was he to judge. It felt good to be honest, I flet like I had a voice that I have never used and let him know that for someone who had no interest in me or my life, is not entitled to run me down.

Anyway I left my mum made some comment about her and I not falling out, I told her ofcourse not but won;t be treated like that. My mother then said, well he does it with me how do you think it makes me feel? (what ??!!) Gave her a kiss and left.

Then on the way home Step Mum phones to tell me Dad has gone back into hospital

Harmony,

Sorry to hear about all of this, but step back and look at the two marriages of your parents. Which one if either is working and why do you think that is? Could it be boundaries or the lack of them. It is clear your Mom and your SD don't have them, but think about the people who do.

As for turning 35 all I can say is: You are still a child and have lots of growing to do. So relax, listen carefully to Pep and realize you are on a learning curve and you will be the better for it.

Your life is just beginning Harmony, realize that.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL, I hope so! I am trying to get things right. I said some things to my SD I maybe should not have said, for my mums sake. I was more annoyed that for someone who has never had any interest in my life, should feel it OK to pass judgement on me, I pretty much told him that and why maybe he was in no position to do so. Goodness!

Today has been a poor day, I am going to bed now as quite frankly I want to see that back of it.

Tomorrow will start fresh.

That is a very good way to deal with bad days.
and a belated to you.

Jeepers, can anything else happen at the moment?

Sister phoned me this morning to see if I was ok, or upset about the row (my mum had phoned her). I said to be honest sis that was 25 years overdue, and enough is enough. I then asked if my mum was ok, my sis said she was but realized that maybe it, between my SD and I. My sis said that my mum makes the best of being with my SD and that she is very fond of him. I told her that I have been polite and kept quiet for many years, but he overstepped the mark. My sis said that maybe with hindsight my mum might have done things differently. I then said to my sis why did she go straight from Dad to SD, why didn�t she have anytime on her own? (I have never really asked any questions about what happened back then?). My sis said she was very vulnerable (4 kids, rought relationship, no parents) and my SD was her security blanket.

Spoke to my Dad this morning who is resting after his blood transfusion, he has got a low blood count at the moment. He seems to be doing ok. He even chuckled on the phone, I told him not to lose his sense of humour. He asked how I was, I reassured him I am doing OK and please not to worry. He said I know your doing well, your sisters are telling me your getting on with things making plans and being strong. Well that certainly contradicts what my SD said, apparently I am dour and mournful. Next? Anyway the main thing is my Dad is doing OK and making the best of the situation.

Then I was chatting to my father, and I told him about my run in with my SD, he told me how he never respected him and how he could never respect a man who deserted his own wife and children to be with another mans wife. OMG! Then he proceeded to tell me how my SD got my mum preggas and she had a termination, do I really need to know all this? Then he asked if my mum was really happy with my SD, and I said I don�t know Dad and it is not for me to say, but I think she makes the best of things. My Dad then said well she could have been with me. I then said Dad but you have to remember you serially cheated on her? He said yes it was wrong but I never got involved with anyone??!!



JL � you ask me how I view their marriages and which one is working? I would like them both to work as I want to know that my parents are in happy and secure marriages. My mum tells me how happy she is with my SD, but I am not so sure. I suppose all I can do is look and learn. Something rings true about the OM, you all tell me how a OM/OW who gets involved with a married person is selfish and has major character flaws. My SD? I don�t know I find it all a bit much, but I know the worst thing to come out of it was that I saw right through my SD since I was a little girl and have spent a long time been used as the blame for the lack of relationship there. I suppose my boundaries have seen that I am not at fault and given me some identity.

Why are you getting me to think about that? Is it so I can learn from them and try and do better? To be honest I find it quite disturbing, I just dont want all that happened then to affect my life now. I am more determined than ever to make it a success, just how.

I am frightened of implementing my boundaries, it seems to be causing chaos on my life. Although somewhere inside me it feels good and right. Am I doing ok here?

Harmony, your parents' marital success, or lack thereof, is not material when it comes to your own. You aren't them, your life is not theirs. They made their choices, and you made yours. Do not be distracted by your parents' marital choices as it relates to yours. This is not productive.

It is instructive to see your parents' marital history as part of who they are. For example, do you suppose part of your SD's behaviors are the result of his inner guilt over his own infidelity? Looking at it like that may help you to look at him another way. Not a better way, mind you. But with more knowledge of his makeup.

Yes, I agree. You mentioned two sisters who you felt had good marriages, you also said other sisters got physically abused when you were children, and you were not because you were to young.

Not to get to complicated, but how do you know those other sisters have good marriages? What do they have that proves to you they are good? Husbands? Your Mom has one of those...Do they talk about what is good and do you see them in love?

See the door has opened for you now for some freedom, you just don't recognize it yet.

Harmony.

JL made a comment on how you are still so young at 35. I agree, looking back, the real things didn't even come into focus strongly until I hit my thirties, even if earlier I did everything I knew was right to honor them in prior years..

There is a book used in judaiasm to teach, don't know what it is sorry, traditionally within thier culture, that they were not allowed to read until they were 30 years old. Why? because thier life experiences and maturity and probably the development of thier body and mind also would not comprehend it until that age.

Two things stick out to me about that. One is that we are allways learning and growing. The other is that we still have to deal with the fact that we have made decisions in the past based on poor information, that we will still have to deal with, because we are living allways with the results of our decisions and actions. Reguardless of our intentions, good or bad.

We are stuck with those results, and we choose to deal with that, or hide our heads in the sand.

So you, still with a long life and the possibility of all the blessings life has in it, are now in the position of making it the best it can be.

I think you are in the right place Harmony.

Great point, this all might be bringing up his own faults in how he acted so long ago.

Just because .....



I think harmony (and serenity) are within your grasp ....
And, when you are ready, those qualities can be applicable to your relationship(s). To your marriage, perhaps.
You will not find harmony and serenity in your relationship, you will bring those qualities TO your relationship.

You do not have a familial role model for this.
This is a path of discovery.
You are an explorer. You are Magellan.

You wondered what your Dad meant when he said Mom could have been with him, even though he serially cheated, and how he said he was never seriuos with those women, Well there you have it, the answer I was wondering about. "Did Dad ever get honest with himself and his issues?" I guess not. At least not to you.

So you can't go to him for help on this..at least where it comes to what WH must face, because he himself hasn't faced it. So you look up and out from your family for answers, like you are, and continue.

Don't settle for second best, from yourself or those you bring into your personal life as confidantes, or friends, and be allways vigilante on those qualities that lift us up, make us stronger, and bring us life more abundantly. With yourself and with friends and family.

This never ends, but it becomes easier as we catch our thoughts heading the wrong way and change them, and as we examine our own intentions daily, with the support of friends who want and live for the same qualities.

Your heading in the right direction. Thats a great B-day Present huh?

Woohoo Pep Brought tears to my eyes