Ok - deep breath...

The relationship between my wife and I (married for 15+ years, one child) has taken a turn for the worse over the last few years.

Now recently, I was out of town for the weekend on a trip by myself to see old friends for the first time in a looong time. During the trip she told me she hired a babysitter to go out to dinner with a girlfriend of hers. When I got home she volunteered to me that she really went out with a male friend instead. It made me suspicious that she didn't tell me up front so I checked out a few texts she had.

I find there's a text from yet another male friend of ours to her that really seems to be stepping over the line, asking stuff like "I can stop thinking about you...are we thinking the same thing?"... This guy got divorced last year and his wife was really good friends with my wife before then. Now she moved away and they (my wife - the other guy's ex) don't talk.

So I sent his ex-wife a quick message to see if this is something she might have been aware of before. We spoke on the phone and generally she thinks they were having an affair but could never nail it down (and so never came to me about it), and that this pretty much led to their divorce. I tend to not get into other peoples' business, so this was all completely new to me.

My wife text responses to the guy seem to me like she's ignoring his approaches right now, and our relationship generally seems to be going better lately. I'm quite confused as to how to handle all this. Do I ask her about it? Try to get some more info?

Welcome to MB...

DO NOT ASK HER ABOUT IT.

If she had or is having an affair....she will lie.

You are much better off snooping out an affair without giving your spouse any forewarning of suspicion.

It makes it soooo much easier to discover the truth about your life FIRST...then confront after discussing what you find out here.

There are several snooping threads you can seek out on the forum but typically, a voice activated digital voice recorder (radio shack or Target $50)...can get the job done. Velcro it up and under the front seat of her car and if something is going on you'll have evidence soon enough.

Again...check out the snooping threads for more computer, cell phone, keylogging tips. If the affair was last year...you MAY have to dive into computer history.

Read the basic concepts. Regardless of the situation...MB can help you with your marriage.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

"The relationship between my wife and I (married for 15+ years, one child) has taken a turn for the worse over the last few years."

This along with that WW exGF got divorced, moved away, no longer talks to WW.

Dollars to doughnuts the OM/your friend has been having affair/s hence the divorce.

Being WW exGF won't talk to her is because your WW was the OW in her marriage.

You need to snoop. Hide digitsl voice recorder in her car and in your home near the phone.

Then check cell phone bills for excessive calls to one number.

Then install a key logger on the computer to track her emails.

Do not react to until you have gathered enough evidence then come here for guidance on how to expose and confront this affair.

Sigh..

Thanks for the advice, I'll see what I can find.

I would get a sim card reader and get ahold of her phone again.
With the sim card reader you can download a history of all of her text messages.

That would be especially helpful for you, since there seems to be some things from the past you need to investigate.

The recorder will get you CURRENT information -- the Sim Card reader will get you the old stuff.

Prepare yourself emotionally....

Why not track down ww's ex gf and get the truth from her? I'd go to the one with the information, the bw in this case.

She's destroyed so many phones over the last 2+ years that I doubt there's any history to be had. Plus it's a smart phone, From looking around I understand they don't keep their history on the SIM cards.

Can you access the cell phone info online? At least you'll be able to see the number of times they're talking or texting.

Get that keylogger as well. ASAP.

And the VAR. Double ASAP. A VAR will more than likely be what confirms the A.

I have looked at old call records 2008-2009 from when the OMXW(?) indicated there was something going on, and frankly I just don't see it. There's about 200 total calls and texts over almost a year. It doesn't seem excessive. I've still got to look at the last year.

Nothing else has popped up from other approaches yet.

This may not be an on-going affair. Maybe it was a one-night stand or a couple of liaisons. Your relationship is suffering the consequences of her justifications and rationalizations as she attempts to wrap her brain around what she did.

If such is the case...getting the truth may be more difficult. I still think it highly unlikely you'll get the truth out of her so snooping FIRST is still your best option. You'll just have to get more crafty at it.

Multiple voice activated recorders (you can return them within 30 days at most stores). Hide one or two in the house where you most suspect she'll take or make a phone call and another one in her car. Listen for a few days to see what you can get. You'll get experience hiding the devices before she suspects you MAY be spying on her. If you get nothing again...then push her buttons by innocently indicating that you spoke to suspected OM's ex wife and she thinks that her husband had an affair with your wife. Be non-committed to the proposition and but watch carefully how she reacts. Is she lying???? THEN...leave, go to work or just out and see who she calls. She may call OM but more likely she'll speak to a friend in the know about the "close-call" and your questions.

It sounds so sneaky but as I said you most likely won't get the truth from her so don't press her too hard on the issue...yet. You'll try that only after all other avenues lead to a dead end.

In my five plus years here almost every single time there is smoke there is fire. We are not just being paranoid. It's your life and you are entitled to the truth about it.

Mr. Wondering

200 calls and texts to her friend's H? Isn't that a lot of communication?

I ask because I do call or text some of my friends' husbands at times - when I know they are at a soccer game and my friend forgot her phone and want her to call me on her H's, when it's my friend's birthday and her husband asks for her help planning her surprise party or getting her gift. Those don't equal 200 to one of my friends' husbands, and my H knows about it and is involved also. No secrets.

Can someone give advice on selecting a lawyer/PI (do I need a PI?)

Before I did anything else, I reconciled the cell phone records for the last year and the number of calls went up, but only 336 for the year, which I don't consider a huge amount given that she typically has ~1500 per month. I wasn't worried.

I hadn't tried to get too many recordings, however, I had a good time to try (a particular event mentioned in texts I had seen). I got a whispered, slightly incriminating conversation with a guy (OM?) in her car when she was supposedly alone that day. I do think either something happened or is happening. Her stories never quite check out, but I can't get anything concrete. On the other hand, I'm concerned that I'm seeing things that aren't really there. Meanwhile, our relationship seems to be slowly improving.

I think I might be best off just getting a PI to do it right. I thought I should talk to a lawyer first though? How do I select either?

Thanks

Should I confront my wife with the conversation? I know I'm just going to end up with another stupid excuse.

Don't say anything to her. Hire your PI and see what he finds out. You'll be able to proceed better at that point.

It's tough, cause now that it seems to be true, I'm rather disgusted. I've read the Plan A/B concepts, but I'm not sure what to do while it's not confirmed. Just act like nothings wrong until I hear back?

You want to be at your best and brightest. I will personally give you a 'best actor' award if you promise you will do that. I know how hard it will be. Can you do it?

Trust me, you will not get the truth from her. I asked my WW point blank whether or not she was having an affair before I had proof, and she cried and said she couldn't believe I was accusing her of something so sinister.

Guess what? One month later through phone text snooping, I found what I was looking for--it was a full blown PA.

Put on your best poker face until you have proof, otherwise you will cause her to go deep underground. Snoop while she doesn't suspect anything. It will be much easier that way. Without proof, she will turn it around and accuse you of being a lousy, snooping, untrusting spouse that isn't worthy of her love.