Do I respond to a text sent to me in error by OW? She and my WH have had no contact for 4-5 weeks and WH and I are making progress with good constructive communication, we have been for counselling and he has even read some of the MB site which he has not had any interest in before. WH went through a time a couple of weeks ago when he looked awful, ill even and depressed. He described it as emotionally tired ( I know that feeling!) The OW was our family friend, I got a text from a number, that I later on recognised as her, asking for a favour regarding child care. I know she has a family member with the same first name as myself and worked out that she had sent the text in error. I of course replied �Who is this?� but got no reply and later on recognised who the number was. I was so angry that she had text me (even in error) I have a text in draft waiting to send telling her to delete me from her contacts and never get in touch with us again after all the damage she has caused (WH emailed her re NC with him as part of Dday 2 mails.) The trouble is do I send it or not? I don�t want het to then contact my WH but on the other hand I would like her to be aware that I know all about the Dday 2 emails that she and my WH were exchanging ( Dday 1 was in June.) Will I make the situation worse by replying, do I just ignore it?

I would not recommend that you respond.

Did your H sent this OW a "No Contact Letter", that you read and approved?

Ditto what HPB said.

Additionally; phone number changes are in order.

Change your cell phone numbers, that's an easy fix. She should not have access to either of you.

In reply HPB the NCL was in the form of a FB message and i did read it because I found it when he hadn't logged off. It was made clear to OW that he wanted no further contact and he in fact deleted the FB account. He can't change numbers because of work. I think that I know in my mind that i wouldn't be achieving anything good by replying so I don't think i will.

Block her number on both of your phones. Don't contact her. It will do no good.

Don't respond.

I also wouldn't mention it to your WH for quite some time. She may have sent it purposefully to get a reaction as WH is ignoring her and OW don't like to be ignored. She MAY be deliberately contacting you to make waves. An "accident", I doubt it. Don't give her anything.

WH is withdrawing...the last thing he needs is a fix of OW.

After 1 year of recovery or so...then you tell him.

Mr. Wondering

Great advice. Also, while you are at it, block your email addresses from any contact from her. We neglected to do this and got an email about one year out where she started her crazy accusations again. We then blocked all email addresses and even Googled her name and go other email addresses she had, and blocked them.

It's amazing how self-centered these OM/OW are. New lows.

Bzus, I agree with the others that there is no reason to send her a message.

Is she married, and if so, does her H know about the affair?

Such a lot has happened since I last posted on here so I apologise for writing a long post!
I didn�t reply to OW�s message nor did I tell my WH.
We went to see a counsellor and apart from a few trigger setbacks for me on the whole I thought we were doing ok. Mid Nov my WH was driving me to work early in the morning and who should be walking by but the OW. My reaction was to get uptight immediately, we discussed this with the MC and WH said he felt pleased to see her and know she was ok! This happened again in the same week and he was much more understanding and reached over to hold my hand and reassure me. I think OW did this on purpose. Later that month I found a receipt with his clothes for gift wrap and a gift box. It was bought during that day when he was at work, with cash. I became immediately suspicious (doesn�t take much!) I dropped it into conversation that I was looking forward to getting whatever present he had bought me with the gift box and wrap and showed him the receipt, he smiled and said I would have to wait and see. I felt bad then for suspecting him. I waited and waited.. No gift so I didn�t mention it as I thought it could be for our wedding anniversary later on.
Early December, counselling still going ok. I had an issue that I still felt he was very secretive about FB, email and phone passwords. I mentioned during counselling that I would like him to add OW to his blocked contact list, he said he had deleted her from his friends list. Her comments still were visible because of other friends and I wanted complete no contact. He claimed he didn�t know how to do it yet wouldn�t allow me access to his account to show him how to do it. Christmas eve, we were going to meet a mutual friend in the pub. We walked in and who turns up at the table but OW with her boyfriend. She was shocked to see us; we were shocked to see her. She immediately moved table and made her friends move too and we were left sitting with just the one friend who we were meeting. To say it was awkward is an understatement. I asked my husband to move so that he had his back to her but he wasn�t very cooperative. We soon left the pub and had a heated row. At home he was going to sleep on the sofa that night. We talked the next day about the situation in the pub; we hadn�t discussed strategies for dealing with something like this. I brought up that I wanted him to write a proper NC letter as I don�t think it was done properly before. He said I was telling him what to do and controlling him. A couple of days went by; he was very withdrawn and quiet, actually showing signs of depression (he has suffered with depression in the past.) When I asked what was wrong he said that he was still upset by the events in the pub, seeing what it had done to me.
I found his phone in his pocket switched on so decided to have a snoop. Texts from OW again! Some going back to October, November and just that week. I couldn�t believe it. The last texts from OW were not particularly friendly towards him. My husband walked in on me about to write an email and asked who I was writing to; I said to OW about the texts that I had just read on his phone.He blew his top, got on his coat, said he�d had enough and stormed out. That was fine by me at this point. I emailed her and told her everything that I knew, I told her to block me and my kids on FB and that Eventually he came home and I think for the first time in months he actually spoke truthfully.
I had the weirdest few days. I had to listen to my WH telling me how hurt he had been by the OW! She has pushed him to one side, hurt his feelings, spoken to him in a way that was uncalled for. She had told him to not interfere with what she had going on with her boyfriend as she was happy yet he felt she wasn�t having to deal with the stuff that he was with me. He felt that she was carrying on as thought nothing was her fault. He genuinely couldn't believe that she had text such hurtful texts. He was angry with her behaviour in the pub, said that was the last straw. He said that he didn�t think she would text him again because of how angry his texts to her were but he was tempted to have the last word. I asked him about the gift wrap and box, he had bought her a necklace, nothing special, while they were having the affair and wanted it out of the house so he left it in her garden and text her where it was. I asked why he led me to believe that he�d had no contact with her, he said it was the only way that he could stay away from her if he could text her. He said he knew that she was pulling away and had been for quite some time. I said he was in danger of becoming a stalker! I made it clear what I wanted from him, end of secretiveness, phone number change, block on FB, NC letter written and signed and if there was any other contact at all other than what is out of our hands that is it, finished with us. He changed his phone the next day. I told him that I had emailed OW with instructions on how to block us all on FB, he thought it was unrealistic to expect that. She mailed me back saying she had done as I had asked (which she has.) She also said that she swore on her daughter�s life that she would never get in touch with him or any of us again, in her mind she said she had wrapped it up months ago and that she didn�t want my husband to text her or get in touch with her NEVER EVER again. She apologised and said she wanted to be left alone to get on with her life and if she saw my children she wouldn�t go out of her way to talk to them but if they speak to her she would acknowledge them and politely move on. I feel annoyed with my H in a way because this is the sort of NC letter that I wanted him to write. It�s like he�s the one who couldn�t let go of her and she was being polite in the beginning but had to be cruel to be kind in the end.
This week he has been away from home because of a family bereavement. I�ve had lots of time to think and his messages to me are all about how he loves and misses me, he�s told me he has bought me a surprise present. Tonight he said to me that he had tried to do what I wanted him to do on FB but he couldn�t find her on there, I told him that he didn�t need to any more, that she had done that for him following the email that I sent. That is all that I�ve told him about the contents of the email the OW sent. Should I tell him the rest of the content, that she never wants to hear from him again? Do I forward him the email to read for himself, do I not even mention it? In a way I feel more positive than before because I�ve read her texts to him and seen how she was trying to give him the brush off and now she�s emailed me the same thing. She is happy with her new man and wants my husband to leave her alone. I�ve also thought of bringing up the rest of the email content during our counselling session but I don�t know if that�s a good idea. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Bzus, part of the basic problem here is that you and your H have done a dreadful job of cutting off contact and I really don't understand why. For example, all he had to do about facebook was delete his account. That takes 2 seconds. As it is now, you are dependent on a liar and a skank to block him. She can unblock that in 2 seconds. It is not her job to affair proof your marriage, it is you and your husbands.

Secondly, the solution to the text messages is cancel the phone or exchange phones with you.

Do you see what I mean? There is a HUGE DIFFERENCE between eliminating the source of contact and simply relying on the word of liars that they won't abuse those sources. The latter is very risky.

And lastly, be assured every time he sees her, his feelings of infatuation will be triggered. So every time he sees her walking down the street or sees her in the bar, he will be triggered. He will be in a perpetual state of withdrawal that will preclude real recovery.

Until you take extraordinary precautions to affair proof your marriage, you are not safe.

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDSp. 177 Dr Willard Harley

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Bzus, you said this in November:


Then today you say this:


snip


Does WH STILL have his own FB account? That should be one of the first things to go. Good that he changed his phone number.

How long have you been married? Any children? Does OW's BF know about her affair with your WH?

I wouldn't be surprised to hear that this A has just gone underground.

You said your WH has read MB. Is that right? Would be consider calling the coaching center with you? As you have seen, traditional marriage counseling while there's an active affair going on is useless.

I see where you are coming from, cutting off contact never truly happened with my husband. I blocked her on FB straight away. Our family live a far away and FB is one of our contacts with them so difficult to delete account. Just after Dday he did delete his FB account then set up a false one to talk to her (which i found out about) so I have seen the extent of the addiction. His phone number is now changed. Im aware he's lied to me big time, led me to believe that there's been no contact when there has. He told me the other day that he was glad that he's had a meltdown because he's seeing her in a new light. I can only hope that he's speaking the truth, i know that she wouldn't lightly swear on her daughter's life and that shes very happy with the boyfriend. I can't move house but i also don't know what else i can do.

GloveOil, of course the answer to your question is my marriage. I am well aware that people lived without facebook! Strangely we actually met online in a chat room over 11 years ago so.

We have been married 10 years, we have 4 daughters between us, non together. OW's bf doesn't know as far as i'm aware, they weren't together when the A was going on. WH does still have a buisness FB account.

He has looked at MB but not in to the extent that i have, i have brought out principles that i have learnt here in our counselling sessions. He has been very willing to go to the MC. He knows from OW that she wants to get on with her life with her bf because i read this in the texts she sent him.

Do you have a keylogger set up? You basically have to assume there is contact until you can verify/prove otherwise.

You may also want to start thinking about boundary enforcement should you find evidence of further contact...

No, its not difficult at all. You simply click on "account" and then go to "settings" and select "deactivate account." It is real easy. It is much easier than enduring an affair.


Sure she would swear on her daughters life. A liar and a rat will say anything. It makes no sense to depend on a skank to affair proof YOUR marriage. That is foolish. She doesn't give a rats [censored] about you or your marriage.


I would move away.

I have never used a keylogger, can you recommend one? If there is further contact that comes from my husband then thats it for us, i can't go through any more.

Anything that OW may have said to you or your H about having a new bf or wanting to move on, etc, can't be taken seriously and certainly doesn't minimize the risk she poses to your M.