Thanks for the link, I have read through it and agree that my H seems to be in conflict, and if I am in Plan B perhaps between conflict and withdrawal? I do genuinly feel angry at him, but would talk to him if he wasn't so foggy. Ofcourse I am in Plan B aswell.

OK




You don't have children, do you?
My example comes from having been a mother to 2 now adult children.


I prefer to tell them (my kids) that I will support their good choices.

If you and I were friends in real life, I would not have supported your affair, which was a very difficult time for you. I would support YOU, but not your choices. If, by supporting YOU, I was forced to support your affair, I would not support you any longer. That is where MY integrity comes into play. My integrity requires I make tough choices sometimes.


If I were your husband's friend, I would only support his good choices as well.

See the difference? See how MY integrity can have consequences for me?

Back to my kids.
Our son was just WRONG in an interaction/altercation he had with our daughter's boyfriend. Our son was ANGRY with me (my H and I both) that I did not "support him" because he was, after all. "family".
But, our son's behavior was flat out WRONG. He made several bad choices and refused to back away from those bad choices.
I had to stop taking his calls for awhile, because it was making me ill.
Eventually our son came around. But it was very difficult for him to comprehend that his parents will not "support" his bad choices when he is wrong.

So, be careful what you promise to do.
Sometimes promises made can be very ethically tangled.




Getting you to think.



No. But DID you say that?
Look, all of us are weak sometimes.
All of us have broken our word some time in our life.
What matters is that we learn and grow and demand better of ourselves.



See how it works.
You were BRAVE by coming back to the forum after taking all the lumps.
That return, although not exactly triumphant, was an act of YOUR integrity.



It's always easier to spot these things in other people.
Keep your critical eye also on yourself.
As should I.

Also, not sure how one can lead the other back into intimacy in our current situation?!! To me that would be my H extending an olive branch out to me to talk to me, and he has not done that

You can't.
Except, you can do the following:

You keep your side of the garden weeded.
You plant the seeds of forgiveness in your own heart.
You look at your remorse and decide what needs to change within yourself.
Examine your warts and blemishes and make appropriate improvements.
You write him that Birthday love letter.
You stop trash-talking him to anyone. ANYONE.
You stop fussing all the time and looking for "justice" or "fair" or measure past errors to decide which of you were "more wrong" than the other.

You become the healthiest, most serene YOU possible.
You become the beautiful soul who glows with grace and wisdom.

So that, should he offer an olive branch, he may be totally amazed by your transformation.

That is such a cool post.

Thanks for the advice Pepper. I can stop trashing him to others, but I have been doing that Also, I have been looking for 'justice' or 'fair'. I guess its not to late to stop that?

I guess some of the way I am being is self protection, should he never offer an olive branch or that he gets a new GF.

Thank you , Harmony.

Plan B is Plan self-protection.

cool thanks Pepper.

I want to ask one last question, if I could. I am missing my H terribly right now, and wanted to know if there are any signs that he may get off the fence.

I need to have something, to hope for.

Here's something to hope for:


Easiest post I ever wrote.

Integrity, the quality of wholeness and soundness, many times comes with a price.

Think about it Harmony, What would it be to have wholeness and soundness in your life and character? Wouldn't it be a better life?

The facts are we don't get what we want just because we want it, asnd as we grow we realize what we want is not allways what we need.

Like JL quoted, "Children need what they want, Adults want what they need" That is what happens to us when we realize what we really need, because life has shown us what those things are. The emotional attachments we had to those things we wanted get washed away and replaced. Its part of the growing process.

What is the price for integrity? It depends on what your attached to that challanges it in you. A bad relationship, habit, fantasy, laziness, stubborness, selfishness, and sometimes fears we can't do without something that are lies we believe that keep us chained. Those things must be given up, to stand strong and whole.

Like someone said "If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything"
Think about that one too.

Im glad Pep is on here. Listen to her, she's awesome.

I'm loving the wisdom that is being shared with you right now. I'm learning some stuff too, things I haven't thought about... really... down deep. That's one of the cool things about MB. There is so much wisdom around here that we ALL can learn from.

Harmony, you are receiving a HUGE blessing right now. Hopefully you will take it to heart and keep it with you for the rest of your life.

Become this person:


I think you can.

Thanks PM, I would like to think I can, I am really trying.

I have sunk to a bit of a low today and I am trying to haul myself out.

Cried when I woke up, and just feeling low.

H birthday tomorrow, and mine on Saturday. I am suppose to be going out with my GFs Sat night and all I really want to do is hide.

The actions with my Friday / Saturday has thrown me off guard. I ended up going to a bar Sat night with a friend who is desperate to meet men. I didn't want to go, but ended up just going along as I wasn't really thinking straight, it was awful. I wish I had just been assertive and said I don't want to go.

Then on Sunday was suppose to go over to my mothers to see her and my sister. I pulled out at the last minute and now I think they are all annoyed with me. I just was feeling down and wanted to be on my own. My mother sounded annoyed with me on the phone. I think maybe they are worried about me, and want to keep me involved.

Trying to haul myself out, will focus on work and go for a run later.

I am missing him terribly. The longer in Plan B, the more I feel he is slipping away. It has been 5 weeks since he left, I think that if he truly loved me he would have given an olive branch by now.

This is the first time I have felt like reaching out to him.

This whole process has made me realise how much I actually need to work on myself, which is kind of frightening! How did I actually make it this far?

On the other had is make me realise how flawed we all can be, just by observing those around me and that I am very lucky to have found this place.

I feel like I have been searching for this kind of guidance all my life.

Harmony,
Patience is the most important part right now, It's okay to miss him and the life you had, but you wouldn't want to go back to that and the way he treats you.
Right now like the others have said, work on you, keep yourself busy and running is a great thing as well.
There is a peacefulness about you now I think you are well on your way.....
Special days are hard I know, I think writing the letter on your hubby's B-Day and then holding it for him is a great idea, I know I would feel like I wanted to do something......
Look at your B-Day as a date you start Harmony's new life, the happy, peaceful one she has always wanted........another year older another year wiser........

I guess you could say I am having a really bad day the lowest since he has gone.

Thanks Jessi.

Just spoken to my mum and sis, they are disappointed that I didn't go yesterday that was all, it was my paranoia that they would be angry with me.

Spoke to my sis they are all having Christmas at hers, really not looking forward to that one. I have 2 sisters, both happily married with children and hey ho, me the sad singleton turns up having split up with her husband. I really dont want to go. I just want to get on a plane and fly somewhere else. My other sister is flying out to Mexico, for 2 weeks on Boxing Day so they will be all excited. I am happy for them, just a reminder of how i messed up.

Why is it when I talk to my sis (she is is very happy, and ofcourse I am happy for her) that I feel like such a loser.

Not looking forward to tomorrow, have written him the love letter, that he will probably never see.

Trying to climb out of this pit, but it all feels so bleak.

I really just want to get on a plane and fly away from all this.

Harmony,
I went through the Xmas season last year, my D-Day was Nov 23rd last year.
I went through the motions of the holidays, that's it, it was hard to watch everyone happy with their families as well. I was thinking, I'm 53 and my marriage was a mess........my husband had traded me in for a woman 10 years younger than me........it was bad and I was feeling sorry for myself.............Harmony that's all it was, I was feeling sorry for myself..........you have to be happy for everyone else, it gives you hope for the same someday............it is possible for you too........
Keep yourself very busy tomorrow, go to bed early...........just get through the day.....my husband's B-Day was 3 weeks after D-Day........it was tough, first time in 27 years I didn't do anything..........but I got through it just like you will.....
getting on the plane does sound like a great idea...........maybe someday soon you can actually do this..........getting away from everything renews us somewhat..............
Hang in there, one day at a time..............

Thanks Jessi

The tears have not stopped flowing today, it is quite overwhelming, I feel like I am going through some real grief.

GOing to drag myself out for a run, and hopefully that will help.

Good suggestions about tomorrow.

It just all feels a bit much what with my H birthday tomorrow and then my sis on the phone talking about Christmas, I think she was being a bit insensitive, or maybe me being too sensitive.

Sometimes I beat my bed up with a plastic bat to get my anger out it always works! heh heh

Just keep going girl we know you can pull through it!

Measuring again?



Have you figured THIS (above and below) into your measuring?

It was DAYS ago that you were on the phone trash-talking your husband.
Trash-talking your husband to THE OTHER MAN !!!!

Now, do you still want to "measure" whose love is real?

Harmony.
Harmony !

Quit spinning.
Start weeding YOUR side.
Your side is messy as hell.

I say "Thank God" your H is not - r e a d y - with that olive branch because YOU are still a mess.

It is a good thing your husband is reluctant.
You are NOT a serene woman with her chit together.

YOU need work.
An olive branch is not what you need.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


Say this prayer hourly.

Accept that there are forces/circumstances/pressures working on your husband right now.
You, in your current state, would not be a beneficial force in his growth process.
You are too needy right now.