Hi. I'm new here. But not new to this emotion. My husband of 12 years (1st marriage for both of us and 2 kids 11, 9) is in his 6th?? affair. There have been more girls, but if they didn't last long I didn't keep up. But he has "fallen" for the 6 I can remember. During the years, he has always come back home, and apologized for hurting me, and pledged his love to me and our family. But, after a few good months, I would sense his pulling away whenever he would be interested in a new "friend".
Anyway, his last new friend put me over the edge...I told him that if he was going to continue this behavior, then he should move out...he moved out. Are girls a "drug" to him? I'm lost...

Hello and sorry that you're here. Please click on the 'notify' button and ask the moderators to move your thread to the Surviving an Affair forum; that's a higher traffic area and you'll get much more focused help there.

thank you...

6+, maybe more, affairs ?

Well, it is very likely that it is less a "drug" for your WH than it is an issue of a lifestyle choice that, so far, has had no real consequences for your H.

The way I understand what you wrote is this:

1. Multiple affairs with no consequences

2. WH had the choice to either stop his latest fling or move out. He chose his latest fling over you and your family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PLEASE listen to this.
Inform your children the truth about this.
They are old enough.
"Daddy moved out because he has has a girlfriend. I told Daddy to chose between living here as a family or moving out if he will not give up his girlfriend. Right now, Daddy refuses to give up his girlfriend. "

If you don't give a truthful explanation to your kids, they will make an assumption that if they did things differently, Daddy might still be home.

Where did WH go? Do you know?

PLEASE read the link to carrot//stick in my sig line.
It'a a cliff notes version of Plan A.
Then, ask questions about Plan A.

Order "Surviving an Affair" from this sites bookstore.

Don't forget to breathe.

Please, read through The noobie BS thread (BS = betrayed spouse)

Pep is right. Even very young children can understand: "Daddy has a girlfriend and married daddies aren't supposed to have girlfriends."

thank you so much for the replies. It's all a bit overwhelming. I have so many questions.
But yes, it was 6+ affairs. Even talked with one of them when she found out my husband was actually still married...he had told her he was already divorced. He ended things with her, and she called me to find out the truth...that was tough. I accepted him back. My heart is so wrapped up in him...
He was greatly rejected as a child by his father, "given" to an orphanage by his father while both parents still alive, went through sexual abuse, and told he would never amount to anything, and his father never believed he was his. I think I I just wanted to be the one person who showed him unconditional love. But I just snapped on this last affair.

@Shanvan: You need to identify the exact circumstances that allowed each of these affairs to take place, and those circumstances -- if you decide to recover -- must never be allowed in your marriage again.

If it's overnight trips, he must change jobs where he'll never spend an overnight away from you again.

Hi Shanvan,
I'm sorry you have found yourself here and I have to say that love is a strange thing. I hear in your post that you want so badly to be the love of his life and for whatever reasons he can't get to that.
He sounds like he just might be afraid of a real relationship, the affairs probably don't demand a lot of emotional commitment on his part but your marriage probably does......
He can't go that deep so he strays with the OW.....
But for you all of this is unacceptable.....your husband needs help and until he gets himself straightened out I think you need to remove yourself from this relationship.......
It's just to disrespectful.........

Oh, and kids have seen the girls come and go thru the years. They know what's going on very well, and do not approve. He just recently took them this past saturday with his "friend" and THEY bought the kids (ages 11 & 9) each a cell phone without discussing it with me. My WH? and I had always told kids we would get them phones at age 13. So now he (and OW) call and text kids whenever they want. The OW told them she doesn't want to replace mommy, just wants to be another person in their life. They tell me they hate when Dad shares their time with her around.
Ok, I will stop now, I think I'm beginning to vent. Sorry. Has there ever been a miracle for a wife in my circumstance?

thanks so much for your reply...

Here on MARRIAGE BUILDERS you will find there is a set of PLANs that require you learn them, you implement them, and you do the hard/difficult work.


The miracle you ask about is above our pay grade.

Are you here to learn how to Marriage Build?

Hi Shanvan, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you're here, but we'll try to help you.
I want to disabuse you of something by telling you about my childhood. I was adopted, sexually molested by multiple men, emotionally neglected by my parents (one of whom was an alcoholic, one of whom was an enabler.) We had no money. I wore my brothers' clothes to school because it was cheaper than buying girl clothes for me. I'll quit there - I don't have a lot of patience for whiners Including me.

But you know what? I didn't have an affair. My FWH, who grew up in a beautiful home in the 'nice' part of town, and was raised by parents who doted on him, sisters who adored him...etc. Well, you know the rest of the story. HE had the affair. My point to you is this: it is a waste of time to look at your WH's history and pick out the parts that 'made' him have an A. His childhood did not 'make' him have an A. He CHOSE to have one.

You are already getting some GREAT advice.

I just wanted to touch on something that you said. You talked about unconditional love. Here at marriage builders, we learn that unconditional love is actually BAD for marriage. Frankly, I think it is bad for EVERYONE. You can't allow someone to abuse you and have no consequences. I know that you still love your WH. That love won't last forever with the abuse that you have suffered from his repeated affairs. And You won't like the person you will become if you let this continue to happen.

Listen to these people and learn all that you can.

Thanks for your wise insight. You are right, HE chose. Thank you for reminding me. I just can't stand how he is pushing the newest girl on our kids and telling them they have to accept her and respect her...and we are not even divorced. But in his mind we are.
I guess I am in limbo as to what to do. I so badly want to write "Recovering & Rediscovering what we almost lost". But I have been questioned a lot about why I would even want to. So I guess that's where I am...and just want to curl up in bed and cry for a while...sorry for being a whiner, it's just how it is right now. I ache. During his "cycles" of being a wonderful husband things really were great, in my opinion, and I miss that so much. Sorry.

Thank you for your reply. I truly am taking everything in slowly. And you guys are all so great, but I guess I'm just in "baby steps" mode. Or in denial...

It's okay to vent on here and it is okay to whine. As long as you start moving forward and start changing the sitch you are in right now, we will support you.

It takes time to digest this site. Look around and ask any questions you may have, that is the best way to learn.

Here's a wayward. It's what they do.


You're a newly betrayed, Shanvan. You go right ahead and cry your eyes out if that will make you feel better. Go on. You've got five minutes and then I'm going to start flashing the lights.

No. Seriously, you are going through the worst thing that is ever going to happen to you. Nothing compares to the agony of adultery, Shanvan. Nothing. It would be unusual if you didn't grieve, or want to crawl under the covers and never come out. We understand. Many of us have been in your shoes.

You are in good company here. Because as soon as you dry your tears you're going to start reading the articles on this site. You're going to read other threads. You're going to keep posting here. And you're going to become familiar with the tools on this site that will give you the best chance to kill this A and recover your M. We'll help you with that.

So when you're ready - start with the thread called Thread to help Newly Betrayed Posters. I'll bump it for you. It's a great primer for newly arrived posters.

You can do this, Shanvan. Truly.

Shanvan,

You said Ok, step #1 never make excuses for a cheater and a liar. He is a big boy, he can cheat and lie without your help.

Second, you are apologizing because you are fed up after #6????
I'm wondering what took you so long, and what issues you have to allow yourself to be treated in such a poor manner. Are there some issues in your past we need to know about?

Third, you say you are in love with this man, I and others will tell you that love is NOT A FEELING love is a verb and that means actions. What actions of his tell you he loves you? What actions of his tell you he hasn't a clue how to love you or any woman?

Please read the articles on this site, but also take stock of what you have allowed to happen to you and even to H, because he has been allowed to act with no consequences.

Think about this, do some reading and ask lots and lots of questions.

God Bless,

JL

It sounds to me it is not your first time grieving for an A, as you WH had 6 of them.
How could you possibly be all in one piece? I mean...I went thru 2 of them and I am a basket case!
What is it about you that you think you are so below your WH??
I am sorry you are in this situation and I know your pain very well, but I just want to understand why you put up with such a man...so maybe i can understand why I did too.
You are saying that now he is with OW? DOes he live with her?
Have you read about plan B?
If not please do so. You should not want anything to do with your WH the way he is now. Why are you still in contact with him?
You have to protect yourself and your kids. Have you talked to an attorney?
hugs and blessing