Hi everyone....

Well, I just told my husband that we are done...my reasons for saying this to him..is that we have been separated 6 months already...we were trying to sort out our issues with each other..well he was diagnosed with clinical depression not to long ago..he hasn't made any effort prior to this on helping work on this marriage..he blames everything on his depression..I have alot of compassion and I have given him that, plus support when his dad died...been there for him...his dad died Oct 15th..we separated back in May...we have just recently got to counseling about 4 times..and now my heart says it can't take anymore...I mean am I wrong for feeling this? We have been married 7 years..things were good for awhile...until depression kicked in..he wasn't diagnosed at that time...he has been living with his mother since May..I have offered for him to move back in but he refused...he says his mom needs him...but what about me?? HIS WIFE?? I feel as thought I have been put on the back burner...I just cant take it anymore...my heart can't either...Where do I go from here?? ANY ADVICE would be appreciated....THANK YOU!

Hey Joanie,

Only you know when you're done. Have you given any thought to what you want your marriage to your husband to look like? Have you told him what you need from him? Have you tried to implement Marriage Builder tactics to build love between the two of you? Is he taking medication for his depression?

Travis

Travis,

He told me that 6 months were not long enough to work out a marriage he says love has no limit...but my heart tells me otherwise! He said if our marriage meant that much to me I would NEVER give up! I have talked to my husband many times on what I would like and want/need from him.He never like talking about feelings and he always shut me out...YES I have implemented Marriage Builder tactics..but it hasn't seemed to work..:( He cries and tells me not to give up on us..but what in the world am I suppose to do ? He puts his depression as an excuse for everything. Am I be insensitive? His father passed in October, I was there for him and was there to listen but he doesnt think I care or understand..I don't get it? He has an individual counseling session for his depression tomorrow. I sure hope he remembers it. He always wanted me to remind him of everything and I cannot do that! My health is going downhill because of the stress. I don't know if he made a Dr. appt yet or not..but the counselor says he needs IMMEDIATE Dr. intervention! He HATES his job..he is a cop and works in the jail and that depresses him too..hes been trying to look for another job but I don't know if he is still looking...if he gets put on medication he would definitely loose his job cause they don't like cops on medication....

Joanie, I'm sorry for your pain. You have a lot going on there.
Not to be argumentative or nit-picky with you and Travis, but I think MB is more of a lifestyle; the term MB "tactics" raises my brow, I know what you're saying, but I just felt it was worth pointing out. Certainly getting your husband on board is point of discussion of many of these threads (e.g. in 101). Personally, I have tried to implement as a lifestyle since discovering the philosophy about a year ago and although my M didn't survive, I feel my life is better for it.

This concerns me greatly. You know what Dr. Harley says about unconditional love, right? Doesn't exist in reality. Kills marriages. I'd love it if someone loved me unconditionally - I could do whatever I wanted, and avoid doing any work to improve myself.

Optimism

Hello Optimism--

Ok, are you telling me that there is no time limit when it comes to working out a marriage? My husband said it could TAKE YEARS to get over his depression..is my heart suppose to just sit back and wait? AND, what did you mean by your last line? (I would love it if someone loved me unconditionally- I could do whatever I wanted, and avoid doing any work to improve myself.)

Love is something you earn through your actions; filling the love bank and all that. If there was such a thing as unconditional love, then we could all run around and do what we wanted, consequences to others be darned. It's relatively obvious that your husband wants something (your participation and love) without thought to your needs or a willingness to work toward that goal. He's stuck in his own rut with no motivation to change because he believes you'll always be there. If you waiver, he draws you back in. Sound familiar?

In regard to the time thing, I think if you're making progress toward your goal, it's premature to leave. If you haven't done everything you think YOU can to save the marriage, it's premature to leave. Keep in mind, that's MY thoughts right now because I'm kind of in a similiar position. Only you can tell yourself that you've done enough, that you've tried your hardest. There's no time limit on that, true BUT if it takes you a year to figure that out, it's a year; if you wake up tomorrow and decide you've done everything you can, it's tomorrow. Up to you Joanie. Just make that decision independent of his manipulation to draw you back in.

Maybe it's time to figure out what it would take to save your marriage, what you would need to do and what he would need to do (meet needs, move back home, etc). Doing that is helping me get a little clarity on my future and my relationship. Might help you get some direction on what you want to try or do next. Just a thought.

Travis

Hi Joanie, Welcome to MB.

Yes, you do have a lot going on here. And it's not a good situation - your husband is suffering from severe depression and lives with his mother instead of his wife, but is a cop working in a prison??

If he's depressed, he's not thinking straight. He needs medical treatment for the depression, if that's what it is, and certainly should not be working in a prison and carrying a gun (which I assume he does.)

Are there addiction problems here? Does he drink or use other drugs? Depressed people often do in a effort to kill the pain, but that only makes things worse.

You need allies. What does his mother say? And does his supervisor know what's really going on with him?

Hello Mulan and and Travis- Thank you for your replies!!

Travis- Oh he calls me in the mornings and rehashes everything..over and over he tells me my marriage means nothing to me...That I am giving up for nothing...he didnt even go to his depression appt cause he says there is no point!!! (his first session) I know in my heart I have tried..I hate the emotional rollercoaster all the time..he thinks when things get rough I want to bail..NOT TRUE!! I have given him 2 other chances! I have technically been dealing with this longer than 6 months! He would be fine one minute and then it gets bad the next...I am just at a loss here!!!

Mulan- Yes he is a cop working in a prison..he was diagnosed with clinical depression and he wont even go to the doctor now because he says there is no point!!! If the prison finds out if he were to take meds..he would be loosing his job! There are NO addiction problems what so ever...and as far as his mother..she thinks the same way my husband does...she doesn't like me much at all and says I flip flop all the time because i had threatened divorce before until I decided to give hubby another chance..and low and behold..look where I am again....sigh...I dont think his supervisor knows much about anything....

Joanie, I wasn't very clear about what I was trying to say and I apologize for that. Fortunately, Travis and Mulan have done a nice job filling some gaps so I'll leave it at that for now. There is also a good article on this site by Dr. Harley about unconditional love that I believe applies to your situation, at least from what I can tell from the things your H is saying.

Definitely not saying there's no time limit. If there wasn't I'd still be married, waiting for my WexW to stop abusing me with her infidelity. And 15 years of her pi$$ing on me and telling me I have no right to be dry would quickly turn into 30.


opt

What changes did you require he make in order for you to allow him another chance? Did he make the changes and for a substantial amount of time for you to be convinced they were real?
Opt

Optimism-
The changes I required him make was to show a bit more compassion and be a bit more understanding of my feelings...We have tried talking about our wants/needs..he doesn't like talking about "feelings"..I allowed for another chance because..I was "hopeful" that things would would out that he would "change"..but he didn't...I have been going through this for over 6 months..trying to communicate...he doesn't communicate most of the time..when I tell him that I need to talk to him about a few things his first response is.."What is the matter NOW"...OR..."What did I do NOW"..I don't ASSUME things..that's why I go to him for answers...but...he clams up...I say "we" most of the time and not YOU YOU YOU...I don't want him thinkin its always him. There were times when I thought things were changing, that things were going well...I wanted to be POSITIVE..then I get my feelings shot back down again..we havent been intimate for over 8 months when I have tried and tried to get his attention..I always FELT there was something wrong... but then again I was HOPEFULL!

Joanie,

You can help him, but you can't *fix* him. If he is truly suffering from depression but refuses to get any treatment and his mother just enables this by letting him stay at the house - well, there isn't much you can do. That is obviously the way the two of them want it.

What would happen if you talked to his boss?

Since you can't fix him, you need to focus on fixing yourself. Seeing a doctor, TODAY, about getting some antidepressant medication would go a long way to helping you feel calmer and think clearly.

You have to start with you. Then you can decide what you can and cannot do for your husband.

Mulan- Hello there thank you for replying...

Well apparently he wants to STAY with his mom and not work on us..he refused help after I pulled the plug on our marriage...I can't be with someone who doesn't want to help themselves!
I can't go to his boss...I have talked to a few of his co-workers..and they said the same thing about him working in the jail and being on anti-depressants. He will loose his job..
I have a counseling appt for myself on the 29th. I could use this..I have been emotional and being in this house still does NOT help me!..I don't feel comfortable in using "His Money" for things anymore..other than to be our normal household bills and to get groceries...Maybe I need to be put on medication too..I have been under stress, loosing my hair and health still plummeting...I can only do so much ..:(