While I'm absolutely certain you're right there's no way of getting my H home now, he's stuck there. We are unable to financially support a round trip for me to join him.


No one pressured my H to go. He chose to leave and was excited to do the training it's something he enjoys teaching. Yes he unfortunately is stuck.


This is something both Mr.BT and I knew before he left. Ofcourse before he left he thought he was ready to handle this challenge. Now that we're in this predicament how do I make sure BT is faithful ? He'll have a lot of time to himself during the night and the coworkers he is traveling with have already taken off the wedding bands. I feel like he's in a mine feild.

Thank you aussieswife, I will try that 15-30 min idea.... I didnt even think of something like that when my H was deployed. The rest of your post was very helpful I think he would appreciate calls like that however I've asked a few times if he knew his schedule and he keeps forgetting to ask. I think I'm stuck trying to guess when class might be over for him which I dont mind at all.

HHH, I read that thread about 3 days ago sounds like my H and I should delete our FB's ASAP and make a joint one I completely forgot about that.

So now that BT and I are stuck in this situation, how do I go about asking him to be accountable for himself? Ask just that? Is it that simple?

Time to start dinner I'll have to wait to respond to you JL, very sorry.

Hello MrsBT. POJA? You should create a combined FB account together and delete yours. Let BT delete his.

You can't be CERTAIN that BT is remaining faithful and that is part of ML's posts to you.

Welcome. I wish you all the success in the world. There is much to learn here. Welcome.

You can't 'make sure' that BT is doing anything. All you can do is work with him to keep boundaries and EPs in place. The main problem right now is that BT is out of town. I won't belabor that issue but I know it's already been taken care of splendidly by other posters.

So you are where you are. Apart for the week. All you can do at this point is to double up on making sure ENs are being addressed as well as you can for long distance.

How's your list going for a welcome home activity? Have you considered doing one? I won't be offended if you don't, but I know that I always feel bonded to FWH when we plan out things together.

How are YOU doing? Any triggers? Any flashbacks?

And he should guard himself, and you should guard yourself, from old friends or partners of the opposite sex.

Should really be on guard against that, but even more so after an A has occurred, and definitely so while in recovery.

Here is a


* L I N K *

to a thread discussing EPs.

I'm doing great. Everyday is quite different though, thank you for asking.


I feel completely comfotable even more than I have in the past. During one of our first sessions with Jennifer she asked "How wonderful does being able to fall inlove with your H all over again sound?" (or something similar to that) and I can honestly say it's amazing. I love my H more than I have in years, I'm more comfortable with him in my life now than ever before.


We actually had a plan to be seperated before (family needed help) but Jennifer advised against it, we should've learned from that situation. We now will absolutely arrange for it to not happen again. As far as the rest of our plan for rebuilding, we're meeting eachothers EN's, enforcing EP's, keeping up on our daily reviews as well as our monthly EN feedbacks, and scheduling our 15-20 UA time. I know I personally am working on LB's and getting used to POJA ing everything, it's slowly but surely becoming something natural to me. I've picked 5 positive specific behaviors to keep from getting off track which seem to help a lot.


I dont have any withdrawal symptoms. My evidence, I'm inlove with my H

Remember...the first year of using POJA in the MB program is PRACTICE.

I know you two are falling in love again and doing your exercises but until you actually fall fully romantically in love with one another POJA'ing fairly is often difficult.

SOMETIMES...especially early on when love and trust aren't quite there yet...there is a tendency to use POJA as a manipulation tactic. A poja stick used by your taker to get what YOU want at the expense of your spouse.

It becomes much more natural in years 2+.

We are 5 years out and it's still not perfect so don't get frustrated with POJA in year one.

Year ONE - PRACTICING POJA so you'll get the basics done for later years when it really becomes more effective.

Mr. Wondering

X2 to what Mr. W. said. I'm 21 months into R as the BS. It's still sometimes hard to POJA. I think that stems from a long time of managing people in my profession. Sometimes I yearn to just say "Here's how we're going to do it." But it has gotten easier and it's gotten a lot more natural.

My FWH will say "I'm going to cut the grass before dinner. POJA?" The first time he said something like that we burst out laughing. It sounded so...laughable! We actually talk like that seriously now: "Let's go to the grocery store before we golf. POJA?" or "DS should do his homework before he goes to his friend's house. POJA?" And if it's not 'POJA' we discuss it.

And here's a neat benefit: the better we get at POJA, the more bonded we become.

I'm still not POJA perfect, after all these many long years.
However, with time, I have become quicker to recognize my POJA FAIL and remedy the situation.
Sometimes, I only recognize my manipulation tactic after Sweet Babboo thoughtfully complains. Ergo, complaining husband = good thing.

I'm just saying' ....

How's everything going, MrsBT?

Welcome MrsBT,
I have read your husband's thread and I think he is an amazing man to have taken control of this painful situation.........He could have easily just given up on you and your disrespectful behavior, I think you must now see what the depth of his commitment to you and your family can be...........marriages are tough and the two of you have been giving a second chance........
Affairs are unbelievably painful events in a marriage, my husband had one as well. We are trying to survive it as well........
I'm curious to what made you change your thinking, you were so convinced you were leaving your husband and that the affair had nothing to do with your decision, what was your thinking on that whole thought pattern...........what did the Harley's say in that conversation with you to make you come out of that with a new mind set.........just curious........what led to that.................
I am so glad that you have found yourself where you are now and I think the two of you with work will have a very happy life, family and marriage together........
It's a gift you have been given, stay on this site, learn about yourself and how to stay happy together.......

I have a question for FW (H or W). Lastnight was the first time I've discussed how much hate I have for the A and emotional pain I've caused our family with my H. My H had no idea I was feeling this way because I've had a hard time changing my "old ways" of hiding my feelings. I feel hate for myself. When I work out at the gym I can't even look at myself in the mirror. When I run on the treadmill I think of all the hate and run so fast (2 miles in 10 mins kind of fast) that sometimes I throw up. It's so incredibly hard for me to express the hate to my H. I have no idea how to deal with it? How did you FW's deal with the hatred? Any tips on possibly keeping your meals down?

I'm very thankful for the replies and help you've all given. It's very hard to get on here while family is visiting, hope to hear more from you guys though.

Jess, when I told my H about leaving him I didnt see the effort he was giving to our relationship. I saw him on a computer 24/7 like he'd always be while playing games and ignoring his family. I'm all about romance and Jennifer asked me "how great would it be to get a second chance at falling inlove with your H?". She also helped me realize exactly how much work my H had been doing on our marriage and how willing he was to still be my H. There's a lot more that changed my mind but I'm unable to write that atm, my son's nap is over sorry. Thanks for asking its wonderful to be reminded why I chose to stay and work things out.

MrsBT, I know how you feel. I struggle with hating myself every day. Somehow in all of this we FWS have to learn how to forgive ourselves. I can't really offer good, solid advice on "how-to" just yet, cause I am not there. It's not even that I am no longer the person I was during the A, or even during the early part of our recovery - and I hate who I allowed myself to become. But I'm not even my pre-A self anymore. I don't trust myself - if I was a good person, then how could I have chosen to do what I did? I have lost confidence, trust, and belief in myself. I've had a real problem with wallowing in guilt, and it's completely counterproductive, I know that, yet I still find myself sliding into it. The time I waste beating myself up is time I could be spending on getting DH to fall in love with me again, KWIM?

And even though I've asked God's forgiveness, and I know He has granted that to me, I still don't have DH's, which to me is what I want most of all...yet by the same token, my mother said something to me this weekend: How can I expect DH to forgive me if I can't forgive myself?

And how can I expect him to fall in love with some miserable woman who is not confident in herself? What was I like when DH and I met? (lol, I was a mere 21 years old, I was just a baby!!!)

I've done the same things you are doing. Self-punishment, is what it is. I cut myself with one of DH's screwdrivers I found in the garage. I've taken more than the recommended dosage of painkillers and sleeping pills (and yeah, the night that the PA came out, when DH left, he left his bottle of Xanax - I took what was left in the bottle, fortunately for me there weren't many left). Over-exercise one day to having no desire to work out the next. One day not eating anything to the next day bingeing on anything that is not nailed down. And I do the throwing up too. Except I ended up throwing up blood and having to get an endoscopy. Not fun. And suicidal thoughts. There are times that I've hated myself so much and felt so much guilt that if it weren't for my kids I don't know that I'd still be on this earth.

Somehow, I am getting through it. And you will, too. Not every day is completely dark anymore. It still hurts like he77, but my hurt is nothing compared to what I put DH through.

I've had a couple of sessions with Dr. Chalmers also - and she told me that one of the things I need to remind myself of (my "Why's of Recovery," so to speak - there's a whole list - this is just one) - that recovering our M is for me, because it is the best way for me to heal from the guilt and shame of what I did.

I don't know if it helps, or not - just wanted you to know you are not alone in how you feel.

MrsBT,

I am neither a FW (H or W). But, what you are experiencing seems very common on this site. It apparently is very hard to forgive yourself for this.

I will offer my thoughts on the anger though. Anger is a secondary emotion driven by: fear, pain, anxiety, frustration, etc. These are primary emotions. What is fueling your anger? Identify that and then discuss whatever it is with your H.

I suspect that he is more than willing to offer you help with this and just listen if that is all you need. Just tell him what you need. The very fact that BT had no idea of your deep anger at yourself, does suggest that you need to open up to him.

I can offer you something to think about from the male point of view. Us guys want, no make that NEED to be needed. I would guess it won't be an problem for BT to help you if you need his help. IN fact, I think it will deposit $ in his love bank if you do need him and request his help.

Remember something else, forgiveness (I mean you forgiving yourself) does not mean you forget, nor does it mean he forgets. My opinion and this is my opinion only is that you WANT to remember so you two can learn from all of this, but as you two talk the feelings associated with your actions will fade while the lessons remain.

My guess you now appreciate BT more than you ever have. You know what else? My guess is that he appreciates you, more than he ever has. Your affair forced him to really assess rather he really he did love you enough to fight for the marriage and you assess why he loved you. Clearly the answers where in the affirmative.

Affairs are never good, but sometimes the introspection that is required to recover from one leads one to deeper understanding of what is important.

Just remember it is fine, even better than fine, for you to forgive yourself, just don't forget OK?

Hope this helps a little in your thinking. Talk to BT.

God Bless,

JL

Mrs. BT, I am no expert in this, as I certainly have not conquered the types of feelings you discussed. That's my disclaimer. Also: WPG said it all pretty well.

I think it's all part of the grieving process, and we all process it differently. Time helps, somewhat.

Start with small commitments to improvement - these will help you feel productive, give you something healthy on which to focus, and, importantly, start rebuilding you.

Take one day at a time.

Balance the judgments you render on yourself with being kind to yourself.

There will be good days. There will be bad days.

You are not alone.