I am new here after just finding this site tonight in search of some sort of answer. I am a 31 year old married mother of three children who has been with my husband for 13 years and married nearly 10. We obviously met while very very young. I had come from an abusive background and was doing drugs and drinking heavily when we were first together. My husband was absolutely the opposite of the lifestyle I had been living. Being with him was the first time in my young life I had ever felt safe and protected. With his love and support I stopped using drugs and drinking.

We had our first child when I was 21 and he was 20. Over the years we've never really had any major problems to speak of. In fact I've heard over and over how lucky I am to have this man and I know that's true. He is a wonderful father and a wonderful husband, there really isn't anything I can think of that he could do to be better.

So why then am I sitting here posting this? I am currently going down a road I never imagined I'd find myself on in a million years. I have found myself very attracted to someone I work with and have been actively flirting with this person who is also married.

I had been a stay at home mom for eight years when I took a part time job last Christmas to make ends meet. This did wonders for my self esteem. I've always had issues with my self worth but I truly didn't realize how bad I had gotten until I got out of the house again and started working. Having something of my own outside of my home was a wonderful feeling and made me feel so much better. I hadn't expected this because I had been so dedicated to being a stay home mom to my kids.

Slowly I found myself getting back to parts of my old self. I have gained a very large amount of weight over the years (but before we were married) and I had just stopped really taking care of myself because I felt it was just not worth it with me being so big. I had always been a girl who loved fashion and makeup and that type of thing so it was hard for me give that up. Since I've been working again I've found that even though I'm big I'm still worthy of putting on makeup and earrings and that in fact it feels pretty damn good.

So about six months into my job I start to notice an older male co-worker. I never thought much of it other than that I found him oddly attractive as he was older and nowhere near as good looking as my husband. As time went on I also noticed that this man was very funny and a sense of humor is huge to me. I started looking forward to working with him even though we barely would even be around each other. I found myself purposely giving him looks hoping that he'd see I was interested.

Then I added another work night to my schedule so I would work with him. I just did this recently. Like I said I had only mostly seen him around before and had casual and brief conversations with him. Now I have found myself around him more and I am most definiately flirting. We are both funny people so at least for me I use this to flirt. We just sort of give each other a hard time and tease.

At first I thought I just wanted to feel wanted again. I have been obese for years now and feel like I have been an invisible woman. My husband has never ever loved me less for it and has in fact always told me how beautiful I am. However I hate myself for it and have been so tired of not being attractive. The world is a very different place when you are an obese woman.

So at some point it was as if I just wanted to see if I still "had it." If I could still interest someone. Lately I've been really working on my appearance and even losing weight and I know it's all for this person.

I feel so foolish admitting this but after our last night working together I walked up to his car (he was still in the building) and drew a little smiley face with it's tounge out on his frosty car window. I don't know what came over me but on my drive home I could not believe I had done something so ridiculous and childish. My god I am a married mother acting like a boy crazy 13 year old girl.

Again I am not sure if this man realizes that I am flirting but my instict tells me he does. I also am not sure if he's flirting with me but again as of late I feel like he is. I keep telling myself that all I want is to know that I could have him. However I realize now how quickly things get out of control.

The thing I do not understand is why I am feeling this way. Like I said I truly have a wonderful husband. He is a caring man, a hard worker, and wonderful father, and gorgeous to boot. And here I am lusting over a man who is married and fifteen years older than me. WHY WHY WHY????

Part of this I believe is just that I am feeling like I missed out sexually. I had only had one partner before my husband and sometimes I wish I would've had more. My husband and I used to have a fairly good sex life when we were very young but once our children came that went out the window.

Having three young children we find ourselves with no time for us. He works days and I work part time nights so that we can barely still just afford to get by. We have my mother in law baby sit about once a month for a few hours. Usually we just end up with one of us at the computer and another watching a movie in the other room. Then we end up going to bed and having sex. Our sex is predictable as can be. I used to feel more comfortable changing it up but anymore it almost feels weird.

I sort of feel like my husband has become just sort of my partner in life instead of my lover and husband. Almost like we've been through so much together that it's weird for me to think if him in a sexual way, honestly I really just don't see him in a sexual way anymore. We barely ever have sex maybe once every month or two. I find myself wanting sex but not neccessarily with him which I feel terrible for.

I do not want to ruin my marriage or my family. Like I said I come from a very abusive childhood and have worked very hard over the years to build a life for myself and my children that I was never able to have. My husband has been a great man and does not deserve this. So what the hell am I doing and how do I stop it?

I have thought about telling him but the thought of losing this little bit of excitement in my life depresses me beyond belief. Even though I love my family I feel like this is the one thing that gets me through the daily grind of being a mom to three young children and all that comes with it. It breaks my heart to even be saying that because my children mean more to me than anything but it's true. I haven't had anything that made me feel like this for years and I don't want to give it up. However I fear that if I don't it will go too far.

I would love to hear your opinions on this. I have read the website and am very interested in the emotional needs. Having read them I am still at a loss as to what mine really are and how in the world my poor husband could do anything for me.
I believe in my heart that there's just something missing inside of me that has me on yet another wild goose chase looking for the answer. Sort of like drugs and alcohol when I was a teenager...I was always smart enough to know they weren't the answer but that didn't stop me from doing them because they were there to dull the pain. I feel like maybe this is the same sort of thing.

I feel like I am truly at a crossroads in my life. I fear that maybe I made a mistake marrying so young and never having a chance to make a life for myself, to never have learned to take care of myself. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying I don't want to be with my husband because I do and I love him dearly. I also do not believe that I would ever be with this other man, that isn't anything that I'm after.

I guess you could say that I am suffering from a sense of now knowing who or what the hell I am. I can tell you for certain that I never would have imagined myself doing something like this. My only serious relationship before my husband was with a man ten years older than me who routinely cheated on me and each time it tore my heart out. I could never understand how someone could be so selfish...and yet here I am going down this road.

Obviously I could keep going on and on. I'm just looking for honest insight from those of you who might have some understanding of what's going on. I don't know how to "fix" whats wrong because honestly I don't really know what's wrong in the first place if that makes sense.

Welcome pengy - and well done for realising you need help before you do something hurtful to both your husband and yourself!

I am very new on here but I am sure some more experienced people will be along to help you soon. My initial impressions are that you are crying out to have your emotional needs filled, as it is not happening in your marriage at the moment. That's not because you and your husband don't and can't love each other - it's just that life has got in the way and perhaps you don't have good role models.

The good news is that you really can turn this around - not just to something 'tolerable' but to a great, fulfilling marriage with your lovely husband!

Read the site, especially about His Needs Her Needs, and hang in there. There are some great people on here who will hopefully be along soon!

Dear pengy,

Your post sounds quite contradictory to me.

On one hand you say, that you barely see your husband and are not satisfied with your relationship with him but on another hand you say that you don't know what is wrong.

I think you know very well what is wrong. But since you are attracted to OM then you are afraid to tell your husband the truth (because that will ruin your exciting secret).

You still have a choice.

1) Either continue what you have been doing and end up destroying many lives incl your children who you claim mean to you more than anything.

2) Or to be honest with your husband.

There is no third option and this forum is a living proof.

Marrying young or having not so many sexpartners in life is not an excuse for cheating. Your post sounds very much like trying to find an excuse.

Imagine your husband finding out and the pain he would be in. Imagine your husband doing this to you. It is like you are seriously playing russian roulette. But you are pointing the gun at your husband and your children in this game.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Pengy. Yes you are at a crossroads in your life and are preparing to make the biggest mistake of your life by walkiing right into an adulterous affair. That is the next step here. And it will ruin your life. Happiness does not come from adultery. What comes from adultery is humiliation, shame, degradation, ruination of marriages and childrens lives. Affairs are POISON to children because they feel great shame and humiliation at their parent's scummy behavior. How will your parents, friends, employer, children all view you if you have an affair with this man? How will you explain yourself to his wife? What will you say to the human resource director who sits you down and either terminates you or censures you for such unprofessional conduct? [having a workplace affair is about as unprofessional as it gets]

The above is not the ticket to happiness, pengy. It will be the biggest mistake of your life.

The solution is to develop those feelings of passion in your MARRIAGE. You have neglected your marriage for some time from the sounds of it and as a result have fallen out of love. That can turned around rather quickly if you use this program.

I would add also that a man who flirts with a married woman is not complimenting her, he is spitting in her face. Flirting is a form of courting and he is saying that he thinks you are a potential cheap piece of action. He is not saying you are attractive; he is saying you are CHEAP and EASY. That AIN'T a compliment, dear. Anytime a man who knows you are married flirts or comes onto you, just KNOW you have been called a wh*re.

Your next steps should be to show your husband your post above and to quit the job. Anything less will be a trainwreck. Your H has a right to know that you are putting his life and the lives of your children at risk.

You are a very dangerous person right now. You are a drunk driver.

Their are many resources here on MB to help repair your marriage.

Fisrt step you need to do is leave this job. You must go NC with this OM because you have let feelings develop that should not of have.

Hi Pengy,
I'm so glad you came here before you followed through on a mistake you would regret the rest of your life.
Marriage is always something you have to work at, it's about longevity and loyality and really believing someone else has your back no matter what......
You need to read this site and start working to rebuild the love the two of you have in your marriage......
You don't want to ruin all you have and hurt your children for what, so you can feel good for a couple of minutes, then what feel bad for the rest of your life........
You read the stories on this site about all the pain people feel when an EA or PA happens, a lot of innocent people are hurt for selfish reasons......
Why would you let the OM disrespect you, that is what he is doing or would be doing.......why would you disrespect your husband, why would you willing chose to ruin lives............
I agree, quit the job, and work on the marriage.........

There was a woman I worked with once that I found attractive. It wasn�t a physical thing since she was average looking. It was everything else. She was in the same profession I was in. She was very cool and fun to talk to and popular with all the other coworkers.

You want practical advice? Do what I did. I avoided her like she had a disease. I didn�t cross the line into flirting, as you have. All I felt was internal and I never acted on the attraction (at least not till my wife left me).

Most people here will tell you to leave your job. Do so if you can. Your level of attraction to this man is dangerous.

Whatever you�re seeking from this man can come from your husband. He hasn�t been meeting a need of yours for attention. So how do you resolve this? You must talk to your H. You must tell him what has happened and you must let him know your feelings.

He has to know in order to work with you to identify what is missing in your marriage and work on it.

Quitting my job wasn�t an option for me since I was in the military. I accepted that it is totally normal to find members of the opposite sex attractive, but what you do with that attraction is what is most important. I can walk down the street and see a really nice looking woman, but it takes a conscious effort to tell myself, �Ok, you noticed and she is indeed attractive, but it is disrespectful to my wife to look any further or to talk to that woman.�

So look away.

It really is that simple. You stop by talking to yourself and changing your behavior.

The next time this man approaches you, find a way to talk about your husband and your kids. Talk about how much you love him and how great a dad he is.

Neither of you have grossly crossed the line, unless there�s something you�re not sharing. You�ve caught yourself for having thoughts and temptation. That simply means you�re human.

If things had gone further, I�d say that quitting the job was a requirement.

This can quickly and easily be killed by talking about your husband a lot and thinking really hard about the price you would pay for crossing the line further.

If your husband came to this forum and was seeking advice from us because you�re having an affair, the first thing I�d tell him is to get a lawyer to protect himself legally and to be prepared to fight for full custody of the kids because of your affair.

You�re not an animal. You have free will and the smarts to make decisions.

Only you can judge how tempted you are. If the temptation is simply noticing this person and being attracted to them, then avoidance and self talk can solve the problem along with strict boundaries. That means no one on one meals with members of the opposite sex and no talk outside of the job at hand.

If, however, you feel that your defenses will simply be lowered over time and you�ll find yourself in bed with this man, then you must quit your job.

I�m not sending a mixed message. My advice is based on the degree of your attraction. If men quit jobs because a woman around the office was attractive, then there would be an epidemic of men quitting jobs. It�s what we do with those reactions and thoughts that is important.

If, however, you recognize that you have this weakness, then you setup strict boundaries so that you never go down that path.

Start by talking to your husband and telling him you�re not happy with how things are in your marriage and that there are things you would like to improve.

I can assure you that I am not trying to find an excuse to cheat. I don't want to cheat. If I wanted to I would not be on here asking for ways to fix this. I am simply trying to figure out what in the hell is going on in my head that has lead me to this point in the first place. I have never been this type of a person and these feelings scare me. If you cannot tell I am desperately trying to do the right thing and get a handle on this.

To the person who stated the following "My initial impressions are that you are crying out to have your emotional needs filled, as it is not happening in your marriage at the moment. That's not because you and your husband don't and can't love each other - it's just that life has got in the way and perhaps you don't have good role models." I think this hit the nail on the head.

I have never in my entire life known a kind and loving until I met my husband. This might seem crazy to some of you but it's true. I grew up around nothing but abusive men and seeing abusive relationships both physical and emotional. I never knew men like my husband existed. I have certainly never witnessed a "healthy" marriage that lasted through the years. So yes I don't have any role models for what a good marriage is. I do know enough though to realize that it takes work and that there are good and bad times.

I also feel like obviously there are many emotional needs that are not being met for me however I think the majority of them are not things my husband can meet. What I mean is that for so many years I just let myself slip away to just take care of my kids and my dying mom and here I am with little to no identity. I need to figure out who the heck I am and what I'm going to do with my life.

And by the way my mentioning I only had one other sexual partner was not trying to get a green light to sleep with someone else. I was just trying to be honest and say that there are many times when I wish I had had more experiences before I married, both sexual and otherwise. This is no secret to my husband, in fact we have both discussed that though we love eachother we both feel that way. Does it mean we both plan on rushing out and sleeping whoever we can find, no it doesn't. I just feel like it's part of piece of a bigger puzzle of what's going on that's all.

And to the person who said that I haven't spent time with my husband but yet I don't know what's wrong...you are very right. I guess it should be obvious to me that I'm falling out of love with him and we have little to no relationship left besides getting through the day to day grind. We don't even kiss anymore other than a peck here and there unless we are having sex. It's been this way for years. Like I said more like we are very best friends than lovers. It's not for a lack of trying. There have been times that he's tried to hug me and I push him away. The only way I can explain the reason for this is that I have felt for years that 24 hours a day I give all I have to my kids and seemingly have them hanging off me all the time. It's like I feel like I can't take being touched anymore while at the same time I crave it which makes no sense.

I guess what I want to know is after all these years if this can be saved and how. I feel like I have been just this crazy neurotic, anxiety filled person that my poor husband has been trying to hold together for years.

A few months back I talked to him and told him that I was feeling like I wanted to start looking better again and that I felt like I was craving attention from other men. I said that I didn't want to act on it but that it felt good to start looking better again and taking care of myself and that any attention that came along with it felt good too. As usual I cried and asked him how he felt about our relationship. He said other than the fact that with life being so busy we never get to spend time alone that's he's happy. It's always this way. I feel like maybe I am the type of person who's always feeling empty for some reason or another and that he deserves better.

I'm also terrified that we've lost eachother forever. It's been so long since we've done anything that's not child/family related. It's like we have nothing to talk about anymore besides the kids and work. Deep down I'm so scared that we cant get back on the right track. And again I wonder if he deserves more than I can give him. After all he's given me all he could all these years and somehow it's still not enough.

Have any of you been through this and gotten back on track with your marriage? I would be so happy to hear that people have done it, it would give me hope.

As far as quitting my job whether anyone thinks this is an excuse or not I simply cannot quit my job until after Christmas. However after Christmas I really want to find a different job anyway and plan on moving on.

I think I also need to go to counseling for myself and try to figure out what the hell my problem is. I've dealt with these stupid feelings of low self esteem and inadaquecy for so long and I'm just sick and tired of it. I also need to take time not only for my spouse and I but for myself, we both do. We are both always so run down from everything that we just don't have anything else to give. When there is a moment of free time I really just crave being alone. Sitting in an empty, dark, quiet bedroom is such a release for me. And since there is so little free time to go around any that we do find that's usually how it's spent instead of together. Like I said before one of us doing our own thing instead of spending time together.

So the answer has got to be working on myself and us spending more time together. I just have to figure out how to do both of those things. We are going to have to find an affordable trustworthy sitter somehow and start getting to know eachother again.

I guess the thing I still don't understand though is how a person like myself could find myself in this damn situation in the first place. I mean I am not a stupid person or a bad person. And I have a husband that most woman would dream of who would do anything for me. So I don't understand how knowing all of this I could still find myself feeling these feelings. This is the part of me that feels like my husband deserves better. I feel like such an [censored] for all of this and question what kind of person I have become. I would have never imagined being in this situation in a million years.

Thank you to all of you who have answered thus far and thanks in advance for any other help you might offer. I am so thankful for finding the marriage builders website before this got anymore out of hand.

You feel temptation because you�re human and because it is a symptom of what�s wrong in your marriage.

Yes, your husband deserves better, but that doesn�t mean that �better� needs to come from another woman. You won�t just be cheating on him. You�ll be cheating on your children as well. So think of the devastation and destruction you�ll bring into their lives over your selfish feelings.

I�m not saying that to bash you over the head, but that is the reality. When a person cheats, they cheat on the whole family, not just the betrayed spouse. Because your kids have no desire to see their world turned upside down and the last thing they want is to have to accept someone else that isn�t a parent. THAT is what you�ll be bringing into their lives.

So don�t just focus on how much you�re going to hurt your H. Look at the destruction you�ll bring upon your children.

My father cheated 15 years ago and the destruction it wrought on our lives, as his kids, has been massive and is still reverberating.

So if your husband isn�t a good enough reason to have boundaries, your kids should be.

We are all susceptible to the temptation of cheating. It doesn�t mean we�re bad people. It means we�re human. The people who walk around, saying, �I would never cheat� are the most dangerous ones.

The person who walks around and recognizes that they are just as susceptible to cheating as anyone is the one that is conscious of it and will avoid the circumstances that will lead down that path. That means that there is no such thing as �innocent� flirting. It means there�s no �it�s just a coffee� or �just a lunch�. Those are paths that lead to the dark side.

If you want to save your marriage and your family then the only thing you can do is to tell him, being open and honest with him will get that love back in your life, if you do not tell him then you WILL lose EVERYTHING! Your husband,and your children is that what you want?

Also one thing that you MUST do is to get a new job, if you are still working with him it will get worse and you will not be able to stop those feelings you have for him, and the affair will escalate to physical trust us, it happens many many times.

What I am saying is thi

Your only chance on saving your marriage is to tell your husband everything, and get a new job somewhere else.

If you can't do that then we can not help you, then your husband will find out that you are sleeping with another man and we would have to talk to him in a few months time.

And remember that there are TWO families at stake here.

Pengy,


The "identity crisis" is your mind trying to excuse the next step you are considering; betraying your husband with another man.

It's a cop-out, and a mistake. Don't buy it.

In fact, screw "who you are." WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE? THAT is what is important. Do you want to be a cheating wife? How about a divorcee? A step-parent? That's where all this "who am I" crap is leading you. Are you willing to gamble your marriage and family because you "want to feel wanted?" Are you willing to endure YEARS of pain and regret to satisfy that curiosity?

THAT is what you are facing. THAT is the truth of the road you are walking.

You need to be honest with your husband NOW. And you need to do so in a manner which will allow him to receive what you are telling him; in other words, being radically honest while avoiding love busters.

You have homework on this site; basic concepts.

I think the majority of them are not things my husband can meet.

If he is human then he can meet those unmet needs


Like I said more like we are very best friends than lovers.

Sweetie your husband IS your best friend

It's like I feel like I can't take being touched anymore while at the same time I crave it which makes no sense.

[b]MB will and CAN help you get that love back if you are willing to try.[/b]

I guess what I want to know is after all these years if this can be saved and how.

Trust us this CAN be saved I sense that you have way more love for your husband then you are admitting, I'm going to let you know something, what you want to fix in your marriage is probably the easiest to fix.

I feel like maybe I am the type of person who's always feeling empty for some reason or another and that he deserves better.

You do not feel this way this is your "wayward" speaking not you, because deep down you KNOW you deserve him, and the reason why your "wayward" is telling you this is because she wants you to ACT on your emotions to this OM and to say "your husband deserves better anyway, might as well find someone else" so please do not listen to your "wayward" mind because all it will tell you is LIES!

I'm also terrified that we've lost eachother forever. It's been so long since we've done anything that's not child/family related.

And implementing the MB principles will help you get that love you are craving from your husband.

Deep down I'm so scared that we cant get back on the right track. And again I wonder if he deserves more than I can give him.

Again this is your "wayward" talking to you, she wants you to be scared she is saying "Why torment yourself of the feelings you have for this man? Your husband deserves better, you'll never get that love back from your husband so why even try?"

Have any of you been through this and gotten back on track with your marriage? I would be so happy to hear that people have done it, it would give me hope.

You will find countless of marriages that has been saved using the MB principles, and YOU SHOULD FEEL HOPE because what you need right now can be easily fixed.

As far as quitting my job whether anyone thinks this is an excuse or not I simply cannot quit my job until after Christmas. However after Christmas I really want to find a different job anyway and plan on moving on.

Then in the mean time ignore the OM do not flirt, joke, or talk about anything that is NOT work related pretend he is poison like the one poster suggested.


I guess the thing I still don't understand though is how a person like myself could find myself in this damn situation in the first place.

It is called "lack of boundaries" you need to find boundaries and implement them in your life because if you don't then THIS will happen again.

This is the part of me that feels like my husband deserves better.

[b]That "part" of you is your "wayward" thinking once again, everyone that has low boundaries or none what so ever always think this it's kinda like a green light to go ahead and flirt with other people she is saying "It's ok to flirt there is no harm done? Plus your husband deserves way better anyway, he'll eventually find out and find someone who is way better then you. So it's ok to flirt." She is feeding you lies.[/b]

Pengy,

I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I suspect I will have more to say later but for right now I will say this,

Quitting your job may be necessary as you have already started down a slippery slope with this man; however, this will in no way solve the problem entirely. You are ripe for an affair and there are plenty of attractive men around. You have to be extremely vigilant even after you get this particular man out of your life. It is the fantasy/thrill you are after and there are many situations that can be dangerous.

The good thing is you recognize these issues and are being proactive. I was one of those people who "never thought I could go there" and....I went there.

Talk to your husband about your feelings of emptiness. Brainstorm together how you can fix them. Make it a priority. Flirt with your husband...I know it is difficult to do when you are dealing with the daily grind. If you can afford it, go away together.

As for yourself, you can find fulfillment without another man. Explore a talent, take up a hobby, delve more fully into your religion.

I was exactly where you are (weight loss and all) and it didn't end well. It is difficult for a woman to admit that what she has always wanted is not enough. Look for fulfillment from within.

Good luck

Hi again,
Try watching the movie Fireproof, one person can turn this around, filling the needs he might be missing in this marriage, he is reacting the way he is maybe because his needs aren't being met the way he wants either......make him feel better in the marriage, appreciated and watch it come back to you.....
Communication is the key to getting what you want, spend time together, talking, laughing....if things don't get finished at home or with the kids so what......
Why not try to exercise together, walk..........find something the two of you like........
Be his best friend, listen to his life and his feelings.......
Ignore the OM at work, don't flirt, show him you are happily married.......respect yourself................he will just use you if you let him, do you think that would make you happy?
Why make a negative turn in your life, growing older means growing wiser and learning to be a good human being. being a loyal partner, being a great mom.
What would life be like if you gave those things up...........my guess is you will have trouble sleeping at night........

Pengy,

You have taken the first step by coming here. If you read, read, read and implement the Basic Concepts you CAN have the marriage you crave.

You need to talk to your H and be honest with him about your feelings. Get the books and read them together. Fill out the questonaires and compare your results.

Marriage IS hard work but the results are WORTH IT! Do all of these things, come talk to people here on the forum, and follow the advice and you WILL have a great marriage.

Good Luck to you!

Im rather new here too, but wanted to say that you sound very much like myself. I have been with my husband since I was 14 and married when I was 20. Only being with each other sexually, we also feel like we missed out on "Something". These feelings can be very tempting and it takes extra precautions and awareness not to act on them.

I suggest you be honest to your husband about your attraction to this other man and the two of you can talk about what may be missing in your marriage as well as ways to prevent this from going further. (Look up the emotional needs article on this site to see what needs are not being met.)

Theres nothing "wrong" with you! You are a woman with very low self esteem. You are not happy with yourself and the attention this man is giving you is uping your confidence, hence doing things you normally wouldnt do. Attention can be addictive, somewhat of a high, when the high is gone you seek more attention and this can be very dangerous when your married. The temptation will be there no matter where you work, as long as there is another man to fill any of your needs.

You will need to learn how to handle your new found confidence as the more beautiful you feel, the more you will be tempted to be "noticed" by other men (therapy may help). When I go out with no make up on dressed like a bum and feeling like a mom I rarely look at anyone, I dont want to be noticed. BUT when I dress up and put on my make up I walk with my head held high with a "look at me" kind of attitude. Attention makes us feel good about ourselves but we have to be able to respect our spouse and not over step the boundries of our marriage.

My H had an EA with a coworker and I wish he had sought out advice such as you are doing now... Dr. Harley has a really wonderful video on infidelity that I highly recommend. Here is Part I.

pengy, I can save you the trip to the "counselor" and tell you right now what is wrong. You have fallen out of love in your marriage because you and your H have neglected your marriage. Add to that the fact that you don't have proper boundaries when you are around members of the opposite sex. You engage in flirting which is an open invitation to an affair. You have allowed a married man to meet certain needs of yours, which is the precursor to disaster unless you want to ruin your life as a adulteress. And I don't believe you do.

As far as "knowing yourself, of course you know yourself. No one knows you better. Go look in the mirror. There you are!

The solution to the problem is to a) be honest with your husband about your flirting at work [show him this thread], b) stop flirting with men and c) use this program to create romantic love in your marriage. Go get the book Fall in Love, Stay in Love.

Your self esteem will rise on its own if you do esteemable things. It sounds like you have let yourself go in addition to tolerating disrespectful behavior from your married co-worker. None of which are good self esteem builders. Self esteem is simple to fix: ACT ESTEEMABLE!

Also, the absolute worst thing you can do is tell this married man that you are attracted to him. That will signal to him that you really are a skank and are available. So, whatever you do, don't tell him your feelings and start ACTING LIKE a married woman around men.