Well I have been reading all I can on this site to try to save my marriage. I've been married to an alcholic for 25 years. He is 161 days sober today. I found out in September that he had reconnected with a high school sweetheart. After a few weeks of telling me he didn't want to end it with her he finally told me he did (when I told him it was me or her but I was not willing to share) I saw the text he sent her ending all contact. I still didn't feel that he was fully committed to saving our marriage so I reluctently did some snooping. I found out that he is still in contact with ow, which he denied. So I took the next step that is recommned here, I sent her a message letting her know what he is telling me and asking what he is telling her. I asked her what her husband would think about her professing her love for my husband and told her if she didn't respond to me I would try to contact her through her husband. Well it turns out they share an email address so my facebook message went to her husband fist. He had no idea and was very hurt. She was very upset, called my husband, who then called me, very angry at what I had done. I couldn't stay at work so went home and when I got here my husband was here packing his things so he could move out. I know I did the right thing but why do I feel so bad? I know it will be a lot harder to repair our marriage if we aren't living together. Any advice to help me feel better? Feeling hopeless and helpless.

#1
You are not helpless
#2
The situation is not hopeless

WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS

Sure.
To feel better, do extraordinary self-care things as part of your Plan A.

CONGRATULATIONS on EXPOSURE !

Read the carrot/stick link in my sig line.

Is he sober and flying solo?
Or, is he working a sobriety program?

Sorry you are here but welcome!
First of all, any evidence that you find, you may want to print off and keep in a file for safekeeping.

Secondly, please read the link for Carrot and Stick in Pepperband's signature line.

Third, great job on the exposure. You will have a much easier time getting contact to end now that OW's H knows what is going on. Waywards get VERY angry over exposure. When they are angry, it is actually a GOOD thing because it means you have interfered and caused some damage to the A. You may want to finish up the exposure but telling any allies of the M , such as parents, children and close family/friends.

Hang in there.

You did the RIGHT thing telling her husband that was the best thing you could do to save your marriage, don't let anyone tell you different.

Technically, shy, we don't recommend that BS's try to threaten or negotiate with the adulterers. It usually just pushes them farther underground. No matter. It ended up just fine, when her BH got the email instead of her. Good job!

When did your WH move out?

He is working a program but not very well. Says he goes to AA meetings every night (maybe he does maybe not, I just don't know) He has a sponser he really likes but he isn't available very often. I guess I should admit he says he is working a program but I don't really think he is.

Thanks, he told his parents because I told him I was going to. He asked to come stay with them and they won't let him, told him to go home. Frankly I don't want him home right now, he hasn't decided that he wants to end it with her so I don't want him here.

He moved out this morniing after he got the call from the ow about what I had done. I was unable to stay at work due to my emotional state so I went home and found him here getting his things. He told me he was sorry and needed some time to figure out what he wants.

READ up on Plan A.
Ask questions about Plan A.

If he really is sober, Plan A has a chance. A brief couple of weeks in Plan A, as you get ready for Plan B.

This site is all about the plans .... just so you know.

Great start on exposure. But I would not stop there. I would also expose it to all your family members, children, close friends and most especially, the OW's facebook friends. Does your H have an AA sponsor? If so, let him know! Spread the good news wide and far! Be a good news bear!!

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them is the most weapon you have. The more people who know, the more people to hold your H and his skanky ho accountable. Affairs are no fun when everyone is looking.

Many of us here have saved our marriages using this valuable tool. Here is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders says about exposure:

Exposure article

He is moving out for 2 reasons. 1) to punish you and manipulate you into protecting his affair and 2) to carry on his affair without your interference.

Expose the affair wide and far, shyspouse. And I agree with Pepperband about Plan A. Very short and sweet IF AT ALL. Your H, even, though newly sober still sports an alcholic personality and will only use Plan A to use and exploit you. Alcoholics are USERS and don't have the same emotional make up as normals. It is impossible to meet the needs of an alcoholic.

What an alcoholic WILL respond to is TOUGH LOVE, though. Bust his [censored], shyspouse. Give him the wake up call of his life. That is what this selfish, entitled man needs.

Naw, he is not working the program if he is having an affair. I would call his sponsor and ask if he has been at those meetings every night.

Did you personally tell his parents about his affair?

I do not have a close relationship with his parents, so no I did not tell them, he said he did. I guess what I need to do is pick up the phone and make that call. Unfortunately I don't have his sponser's number, I will try to get it.

Thanks for all the support I am getting, it means a lot.

Agree. It is likely he lied to them about the reasons and probably blamed you. The more light you can shine on the affair, the more likely you will kill the affair. When you call his parents, ask them to use their influence to persuade him to leave this married woman alone. It would be helpful if your MIL could call the OW and/or her parents if she would be willing to do so.



I don't know if that will be a help or not, but I seriously doubt your H has been going to all those AA meetings. Maybe you and the OW's husband could compare notes to see they were out at the same time?

Did you personally tell his parents about his affair?

That question got me thinking so I called his mom. He told me he had told her everything. Not true. He told her I kicked him out. His mom did not know about the ow. I am so glad I called her, you all are so helpful! Thanks.

I am not surprised. Most WS's lie and blame their spouse. Will she talk to him and try to get him to dump this skank?

Also, did you see my posts about exposure? What about exposing to OW's family?

p.s. it is best to expose to everyone on the SAME DAY to get a tsunami effect. If you do just a little here and a little there, the effect is minimal and it just gives the adulterers an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell people you are crazy. You need to get to them FIRST.

You need to do a NUCLEAR EXPOSURE in order to get the best bang for your buck. That is what it takes to kill an affair.

And you can expect your enraged husband to call and go crazy on you. He will say the dumbest, most inane things. Don't let it bother you and try not to laugh!!

To clarify what I said earlier about not wanting him here right now. I want nothing more then to save my marriage but as long as he continues to be with ow and lie to me I can't put myself through the pain. I need to be able to trust him.