my husband and i foolishly (both in our thirties) felt pressured (family and selves) to get married. I remember distinctly that I did not love him when we got married, but was so sure that I would fall in love somewhere down the line. That I did, and for the first maybe 3months the marriage was OK. Then I got pregnant with our first child and things went downhill from there. It has now reached a stage where he has said that he made a big mistake marrying me, and although I havent verbalised it, I feel the same. We now have two kids, a sexless marriage, and it has deteriorated so much that he has become verbally and emotionally abusive, and I have become a very angry person. I shout and scream and even slap him. I remember I once flew into a rage and hit him in front of our first born, and he hit me back so hard I fell and heard ringing in my ears. My son asked, Daddy did you hit mum? I felt so so bad, but remember asking myself if it was worth it. For the sake of the kids, do I stay or go?

Use the tools on this site FIRST, give it some time (a year sounds about right) and THEN decide.

No, wait, first make a pact to cold-turkey STOP the abuse. Hitting each other is out of the question, as of RIGHT NOW. Go make that pact with your H.

Have either of you been unfaithful?

Start with reading through the basic concepts, then fill out the Emotional Needs and Love Buster questionnaires. Get the books. The two of you may want to do the online course or coaching through the coaching center. Links are all at the top of the page, shout if you need help finding something.

You've got children, I do think you owe it to them to at least give an honest effort to providing them with parents who love each other.

I would notify the moderators and have them move your post to the MB 101 forum as well. You will get a lot more responses over there.

thanks, i have been through the site, and even gone to our pastor for counselling. The biggest challenge I face is that he is NOT interested in any form of outside assistance, and feels that I am the problem in the relationship. I have tried giving him books to read, he gives them back to me and says "those people dont live with you". What may you ask is my fault. I think but am not sure that my biggest fault in his eyes is I am not the doormat he wanted, and I earn a bit more than him. I feel that a lot of his abusiveness is because he has a complex of some sort. I of course am not perfect. My biggest fault is that I am very analytical and like to know every intricate detail, he calls that nagging and focusing on "nothing" I think he has cheated on me, I have not and do not intend to.

Find out for sure. You might head over to Surviving an Affair instead of 101 for snooping pointers.

Meanwhile, you know what your LBs are, so stop them. How can you handle the money issue? Has he said anything about this? Do you two make financial decisions together, pool your money?

no. we do not discuss anything to do with finances, he just wont. We both run our own companies, and he refuses to tell me anything about his finances except to say he is in debt. then he goes off and buys himself little luxuries. At the moment, I am not working (full time) have a 5month child. and he is using my car. I have to use public transport if I want to go anywhere, even thought 90% of the time the car will be parked at his office! As to whether he has cheated, he has sent me various messages like "you dont appeal to me sexually anymore, you have some fun and go and get some [censored]|| He has even suggested we have an open relationship at one point. Everyday, he has something nasty to say, "you are dense etc" Every time I get money i put my family first so much so that I cut my hair off completely because I couldnt afford to maintain it. I am just tired now.

oh and by the way he is addicted to porn. he has it on his phone, laptop, he buys dvd's and he justifies it by saying its because we are not sexually active. I only found out during the marriage that he has been watching porn for years, many years before I even met him.

So you essentially live separate lives, and now you wonder why you feel disconnected?

Do you want to save your marriage?

yes and no. Yes I do because we have two children, but no, because I think I have suffered enough verbal abuse and enough is enough. If there was a way to get both of us to get counselling and for him to stop the negativity I think we could be at least friends again. And thank you for responding CWMI. You seem to be the only one who's helping me. I am now way past crying, and have moved to radical extremes from caring to numbness to extreme anger. Like I said I have my faults, I am not perfect either but the verbal abuse is too much. What man who loves his wife or even cares for her says such things as go and get elsewhere, you dont appeal to me, etc. He attacks my mind my body, my everything. there is nothing good about me. I know before God this aint true. I am a good person. I know that. and I tell myself that everday in front of my mirror

ok. well, i guess am on my own now. all of you on marriage builders, I sincerely wish you the best and hope you get the help and support you are looking for. I havent, and will just go back to keeping things to myself. thats the african way anyway, suffer in silence.

And you are adopting the American poor me, I'm a victim mentality as well.

Here is what I see, you posted in an area that doesn't get much attention. You were given good advice to ask the moderators to move the topic to a more appropriate area of the thread.

Did you follow the advice? It doesn't look like it given it's still here in a very slow portion of the board.

You were given very good advice about stopping YOUR abuse. I don't recall reading where you indicated that your behavior was as unacceptable as his, and that you agree your hitting and yelling and silence was just as destructive as his behavior you cite.

What I see is someone who looks like she wants to justify leaving instead of doing the hard work herself to build a marriage.

You were told to give it a year. You've been here a month and haven't started implementing what has been suggested from what I can see.

So if you don't do anything different, why would you expect a different outcome.

If you really don't want to be the co-combatant in your abusive marriage, then implement the steps yourself. Stop your abuse of your husband, and then when you've cleaned up your side of the street, if he fails to follow, or is too dangerous to remain with, THEN leave.

But so far, what you've described indicates that you are just a destructive to your marriage as your husband, and if you don't change your approach, you'll simply end up with a similar result in any future relationships.

I'm not saying your husband isn't the problem, he's PART of the problem. You are the other part, and since you are here and he's not, folks will be looking at YOUR behavior.

Unless they see someone willing to work, instead of the victim you present yourself to be, I really doubt many will want to work with you.

Demonstrate you are willing to build a marriage and I'll bet you'll find folks willing to work with you. However, if you are here merely to complain about your husband, you'll not get much support.

You were told to do this, and you did not even acknowledge the post.

This is not a problem-solving area of the board. It attracts threads on general discussions, and many people do not browse here. If you want more responses then ask a moderator to move your post to the 101 forum.