Can someone explain "finding yourself"? I seriously don't understand what this means. I know that in lore and stories, people like Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus, etc go off into a wilderness to meditate for days/weeks to find the meaning of life. But, seriously...what does it mean to "find yourself?"

Does one suddenly realize they want a different career or that they realize that suddenly don't like the food they thought they did? Is there really anything that we can find out by running off somewhere that we can't quietly sitting in our living room when everyone is asleep?

Pengy,

Breathe. No one here wants to see you fail. The defensiveness you feel is because you�re being bombarded with truth by people who deal with the aftermath of infidelity on a daily basis. We�re on this forum to help those that have been betrayed and are grateful when someone like you comes along and wants to stop things before they get out of hand.

Affairs don�t start with a woman or man going to the affair partner and saying, �I find you attractive. Let�s go into (your office/hotel/back of my car) and screw.�

It never happens that way. It starts exactly the way you�re starting. �Innocent� flirting. �Innocent� joking around. An absence of boundaries because �I would never do something like that� in addition to the rationalization that it is �innocent.�

There is no such thing as �innocent.� I truly hope that this is a one sided thing and this man truly has no interest in you and you�re just mis-reading him and his joking around.

So everyone here is trying to jump up and down and warn you that you�re on the path to the dark side. The little battles you lose will lead to the day when you do think nothing of going into this man�s office, dropping your panties, and letting him do you then and there.

Does it happen overnight? By no means. Have you ever had such trysts with your current husband when the hormones were flying? I�m sure most of us have had that level of passion with our spouses. It�s a good thing to have with our spouses.

The problem is that you do get to a point in your �innocent� flirting where you continue to rationalize and go down the path where you do find yourself getting hotel rooms on lunch breaks or doing him in his office.

So don�t get defensive about something that we�ve all seen here. My ex found herself in another man�s house with her clothes off. It�s not like she started the night planning on that. She met first for an �innocent� dinner. We�re just eating. Nothing wrong with that, right? Then conversation led to �let�s watch a movie.� Watching a movie is innocent. Nothing wrong with watching a movie, right?

Then, the hormones kicked in somewhere and this man sure did his best to butter her up and get the juices flowing. She fell for the words �she had been craving to hear.�

So the clothes came off.

Was there guilt afterwards? I have no idea. She�s never expressed that much to me.

But her actions led to a divorce, the destruction of a family, and a brutally costly legal battle.

So get defensive if you wish. No one here is telling you that you�re a whore. The path you�re on will certainly make that label a bit more likely.

But you�re about to inflict horrific pain on your husband and you will bring massive disappointment to your children.

That means that you understand who you are. You�re a wife and a mother. Stop the drama about needing to find yourself. You�re grown woman with responsibilities which involves a husband and children. THAT is who you are. Embrace it and run from this man and set boundaries which will keep you from cheating.

Here is how I define what people mean when they say they need to 'find themself':

"I have been deceiving everyone around me, including myself. I'm tired of hiding what a horrible person I am, so now I am going to be blatantly cruel and selfish so everyone, including myself, will see me as I truly am."

Someone says they need to find themself, run! There's about to be a horrible train wreck.

Pengy, I think you already knew the answers to your thread title before you got here.

You're giving and receiving emotions to a man who is not your husband. And you like it.

Because the 'Taker' side of your brain likes it and doesn't want to stop it.

Your better question would be: How can I create this feeling in my marriage?

Now, that's your question. Answering that one will give you more success in your M than navel-gazing and wallowing in a perceived lack of self esteem. And I think you know that. That's why you came to a place called "Marriage Builders," and not "Cheaters Anonymous" or some other cheating site.

You've been given the advice. Sometimes gently, sometimes...not so gently. None of it is intended to insult you, although many waywards have taken it that way. These posts are intended to wake you up, to give your shoulders a virtual shake. They're given to you by people who have been there. So stiffen up your spine and really read what's being said to you.

This will require action and resolve on your part. Have you read the basic concepts on this site?

I don't think you quite understand the bullet that you have dodged. Lucky you! Others on here probably wish they'd gotten to this site as fast as you did, before much more damage was done than 'harmless' flirting (which, btw, is NEVER harmless.)

You DO need a better Extraordinary Protection plan around men (most of us who get here realize that we do! even the BSs!)...and if you don't face this, you are going to end up in a full blown affair with this man or in another A. This is the thing that Dr Harley talks about...we are all wired for affairs and they happen SO frequently that the priority needs to be protecting the marriage, at all times! Joking and chatting on a personal level with opposite-sex coworkers, etc? This is exactly how MOST affairs start.

It sounds like your Protection Plan is that you are going to spend more time with your H. Is that right? You aren't going to want to hear this..but it isn't enough.

Did you go to youtube and watch the rest of the infidelity video? I believe Dr Harley uses the example later in one of the later parts of the video of one spouse feeling attracted to a friend that the couple spends time with. He states that the spouse with the attraction tell their other spouse about the attraction and they NEVER spend time with that friend again.

And just so you know, most wayward spouses use the justifications that you are using right now in the earlier stages of the A...thinking they can stop it on their own with better resolve. Once you open the door to meeting ENs to the point it reaches the romantic threshold, well, that door doesn't just close on its own. You will likely be fighting these feeling for as long as you are around this man...an affair waiting to happen. Unfortunately you are already somewhat foggy (defensive and using justifications) so I hope it's not to late. *sigh*

You need very much to sit down with your husband and talk about the things that are missing in your lives. You�re lucky in that you appear to care about how this ends, and have a choice on the outcome. Most of us here didn�t have that choice.
Take the emotion out of it and look at it logically. If your husband is consistently falling short on meeting your needs you will eventually look to an outside source. The only way he will know that he is lacking is if you sit down and talk about it. Chances are he has a few needs that aren�t being met as well.
I fell woefully short on meeting my EXW�s needs, for a very long time. At the same time she could have done a lot to improve herself. When we finally talked about this it was too late, she had already slept with someone, it was over.
You are missing something that your husband isn�t providing, but you can�t blame him if you don�t talk to him about it. I couldn�t read my wife�s mind and I doubt your husband can read yours. If you really want to save your marriage and make it stronger you need to come clean with your husband BEFORE you do something both of you will regret.
It�s all about communication, if you and your husband communicate with each other about what is missing in your marriage you can take steps to make it better than it was before. This may end up being a blessing in disguise.
Good luck and God bless.

GloveOil, thank you, thank you, thank you for speaking to me like I'm a human being. Everything you have said has made a ton of sense to me and I thank you for taking the time to answer me.

I get that you all are trying to "wake me up". What you don't get is that I am already awake. How many times do I have to say that I came here the other night to find out the best way to go about changing things and putting a stop to this. Because I realized that it must not go any further. What I was hoping to gain was not "cheaters anonymous" as someone so cleverly suggested...I just wanted help. I knew I could stop flirting with this man and stop being around him, I'm am not an idiot. What I wanted to know was where the hell these feelings were coming from in the first place and why. I have no idea if it was stupid to hope someone could shed some light on that for me but that's what I wanted.

And to the person who said I need to forget about finding myself and be a grown up a wife and a mother. Actually that's all I've been for years now. For years I haven't had a [edit] second to just sit back and breath. I will absolutely not take well to anybody telling me that wanting to take some time for for self reflection is a bad thing or a joke. This has ZERO to do with a man I've flirted with at work. I've known for a very long time now that it was high time I took a little bit of time for myself. I can still be a wife and a mother and try to deal with some of my past hurt and maybe even go out and take some classes or hobbies. I'm sure some of you will jump on that one as another way to say that because I want to walk out my front door to do something on my own that I'll just be going to find some guy to screw. But once again this has nothing to do with it. I'm sure there are millions of women who have given up all of themselves for years to take care of their husbands and children I can't be the only one. I helped my husband build his career and I support his outside pursuits so why can't I have a turn? Because I flirted with someone at work that means I'm doomed to have sex with every man that crosses my path?

You are telling me that I'm not seeing straight but I think some of you are still too caught up in your own pain to see past it. I shudder to think of someone like myself coming here looking for help and that they would have to deal with some of the supposed "help" I've received here. There are far betters ways to help someone than name calling and making fun of things that are very serious to the person. But then again I'm in a brain fog so what do I know.

I know enough to know that just because I need time to work on myself it doesn't mean I'm "a bad person and you should run from me". PLEASE!!!

And as far as my "plan" that some of you are so very worried about well here it goes. My husband and I have talked already some today about the situation and how I'm feeling. We talked about the fact that I cannot leave my job until I get another one. We talked about everything. If you had read my other posts I haven't kept my husband in the dark about how I was feeling like so many of you keep saying. I told him months ago that I had found myself really enjoying any attention I was getting and how it scared me that I might go too far. Once again WE HAD THAT CONVERSATION before. And we talked about all of this today, everything.

So what will change? I don't know. I do know that I love my husband and we are both good people. But I refuse to believe that because I flirted with one person I work with that I am now some time of flakey whore who doesn't deserve time to herself.

Call this a rant if you will doesn't matter. I really hope that those of you who have been on the forum "a long time" can someday get past your own hurt enough to maybe venture out and find out something about yourself that doesn't revolve around past adultery. Oh but wait look in the mirror and there you are...oops I forgot.

And again to those of you who helped without being condescending and holier than thou I thank you again.

@pengy -

What is your plan the next time your husband is not meeting your needs?

It isn't about time to herself. You can go sit in your car and do that. It's about having a concrete plan in place the next time your feeling the buzz of another man, beside your husband, meeting your emotional needs.

Every person has the ability to meet another person's needs. By your own admission you are capable of letting someone other than your husband meet those ENs of yours.

As the saying goes "Talk is cheap." What action are you going to do that will keep this from happening again?

YOU MADE A COMMITMENT. Your husband isn't the keeper of your vows. What are you doing to follow through on your commitment?



I'm sorry to say this to you, but this pure wayward babble.

Where is MelodyLane when you need an interpretation. I'll give it a shot.

Pengy this was in your original post:

"I found myself purposely giving him looks hoping that he'd see I was interested."

You can't really blame the posters for giving you 2x4s to the max. Especially the betrayed, never wanting to see it happen to another family. This is wisdom, though harsh at times. I wouldn't take it lightly or as an insult. You ARE lucky as someone said, you still can get back on track without damage. Reading the basic concepts, etc. will help you with this.

pengy, you have received some very good help here but are so defensive you are shooting at the helicopters, dear. Guess who is the least objective person on this thread? You are hearing answers you might not like - not because posters are "in pain," which is a ridiculous assertion - but because you are not facing the reality about your situation.


We told you where those feelings were coming from but you didn't listen: they came from not having proper boundaries around men. You allowed a married man to meet you needs. Thats all that happened. If you had appropriate boundaries around men it would have never happened. I work with mostly men and have for 20 years. I don't have those feelings about any coworker and never have. Ya know why? It is because I don't flirt and I don't tolerate flirting from them. It never happens because I don't ALLOW it to happen. That is how a professional woman conducts herself in the workplace. She doens't flirt with her male co-workers.


But did you show him this thread? And tell him about your attraction and inappropriate behavior with a specific man at work? He needs to know all this. Does he know this man's NAME?


What do you plan on doing about your behavior? What changes will you be making to ensure you have proper boundaries around men? That is what counts.

Pengy, you accuse the posters here of a lot of things. Let's look at some things you've said.


No,you're not. You're just awake enough to realize you're sliding. I'd call that getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Not totally awake, just enough to take care of business and then it's back to zzzzz's. That's being on autopilot.


I believe this question has been answered thoroughly, has it not? Mission accomplished, yes? And we've gone farther. We've extended MORE info for you. Too much?

Stop it, pengy. You're navel-gazing again. This quote smacks of 'WHAT ABOUT ME!!!!' If you wanted to take a class, why didn't you? If you wanted to have an evening with just your H, why didn't you?? Was someone holding your mouth hostage? Did you tell your H that, and he said no? Why haven't you been your own best advocate for what would make you a better marital partner?

And that 'sacrifice' may make them resentful. Why would you sacrifice to achieve resentment? Is that the goal, then?


Have a turn at what, exactly?

Now you're just being mean and disrespectful. That's beneath you, pengy.


We've got plenty of posters on here who have logged off, rubbing their heads from the thumping they've gotten. They're back on not too long after. After they've had time to absorb what we've said and have realized that we are giving them some tough love. They get it. It takes some posters longer than others.

That's great that you've talked. I would go one step further and tell your H that you will leave that job. That you no longer feel comfortable being there, after feeling the emotions that you have been feeling about potential OM.

Question: If you were working at a job that posed a threat to your health; for example, there was a chance you could lose a limb or contract a disease, would you remain there?

I am also concerned that your H is willing to risk his M for a few bucks, after you have told him that you feel your M is at risk. Did you completely explain this to him?

The encouraging thing I see is that you are still here. Even though you're spending a lot of time defending your actions as opposed to reading and listening. I see a good end for you. If you listen. And pengy? That chip on your shoulder? It doesn't go with the rest of your outfit. Knock it off.

pengy,

I brought up self-esteem, because YOU did. Re-read your earlier posts - prior to mine - and you will see that you say you have low self-esteem.........


My post regarding self-esteem was to bring to your attention that having an affair was certainly not in the direction of RAISING it.


Why do I know this??????


I have been there, and done that.


So when you talk about people here not seeing through their pain???


We are doing everything we can short of reaching through the computer screen and shaking you into a state of alertness, pengy.

My book recommendation was meant to get you pointed somewhere - I made it on PURPOSE.

You do blame your husband. You say you don't, but then you erase that and question whether or not he is capable of meeting your needs. That is a back-handed way of avoiding allowing him to meet your needs, working a program such as MARRIAGE BUILDERS, and making this marriage work.

MARRIAGE BUILDERS is not only about "spending more time together", pengy.

That helps, yes, but the PROGRAM is meant to help you build your marriage into a place that actually CREATES a relationship that meets your needs, and his needs.

Oh. There's another book! His Needs, Her Needs. You could read that one, too, because it could help you get a fix on what YOUR contributions to the state of your marriage are.

Because from the outside looking in, you are uniquely transfixed on YOUR OWN NEEDS, while you complain (yes, I did say complain) about meeting the needs of your husband. Your venting here tells me that you want to look at ways to spend more time on yourself (austensibly to build self-esteem), and you are wondering about what life would be like "on your own". That, pengy, is a huge tip-off to the fact that you are in affair-mode


and not

in family or marriage mode.


In a nutshell, you have your Taker hat on.

Oh. Read on this website about Giver and Taker, and really self-assess. Your Taker hat is ONNNN.


There is an old saying that says something like, "That which makes you the angriest probably hits closest to the truth."


I'm not sorry I make you mad. Because I know my reason for being here, and I know that you are headed for disaster


unless


you. stop.


The other thing?


When you stop yelling at the crowd, you might have time to really listen to the terrific advice they are giving you. Each and every one of the posters has offered something worthwhile to you.


Your choice so far has been to become angry with anyone you decide has judged you. Again, from the outside looking in?

That hasn't happened. Each of them has told you the basic response:

Don't have the affair
Tell your husband
This will end in disaster
You will regret it
There are other options
Use the MB program
Your boundaries with men are non-existent

and the question remains..............which we all are trying to point you in.............


WHAT IS YOUR PLAN TO LEARN THE MB CONCEPTS AND USE THEM IN YOUR MARRIAGE?

Because venting at the people who make you mad is not productive in stopping your affair, nor recovering your marriage.

Working a MB PLAN,,,,,,,,,can do that for you.

so you are in the right place
with the wrong attitude

SB

Hello Pengy

I have been with my husband since I was 17 been M for over 10 years.And have 3 kids.
I have a very loving supporting H. When we first met I was drinking and doing drugs on a daily basis he was soooo not that type.He saved my life I know that.
We had our first DD when we were 18 and the secound when I was 21. So we started our family very early. All our friends and family thought we were the perfect couple.

Less then a year ago we hired a new guy in our department at work and I thought he was cute. It started just like you Small talk and simple flirting. Over time my feelings grew I allowed myself to flirt more and then he called me for work problems and then the texting started.and within no time I was in a EA then a PA.I happened real fast.
I was thinking the same thing Why is he in my head. Maybe I got M to soon.ALL EXCUSES!!!!!!!!
My H was going to work and school both full time. I never saw him. The only way I new how to express my feeling was threw anger.
This has DESTOYED us!!! It is not worth it!!! If you cant control how you are feeling Quit your job.

I never thought I would ever have an A I have the perfect man. But it happened and I have to deal with the pain and destruction that I have caused and boy is it hard.I am physically sick over what I have done. reading your post soo reminds me of me so its realy hard for me to respond to you without breaking down.
You know whats right and whats wrong. Only you can choose which path you take. I just hope that the advise you get here helps you make the right choice I wish I found this sight before I ruined everything that means the most to me. good luck

Oh and by the way You keep saying that you don't want to cheat. Stay at your job keep having these selfish feelings and give it time because I WILL HAPPEN!!! Because you have already opened that door.

I know this from experience I was there. You can say that well it wont happen to me. I laugh at that.And you might have told your husband some but I can almost guarantee you have not mentioned the OM at all. Thats why I said what I did.

I can not help you until the fog lifts.One last thing before I leave imagine looking in your husbands eyes and knowing that all his pain was caused by YOU. Thats the worst feeling ever!!!

Actually, the thing about the man at work was the main focal point of your initial post.

But in a way, you're correct: The issue is not really him so much as it is you. More specifically, it's your mindset of entitlement. And I know, that's a loaded word, so indulge me fer a minute while I explain where I'm going with that:

(And I'm not tossing that at you like a rock, because I live in a glass house when it comes to having been self-entitled. I'm just putting this out here as something for you to think about dispassionately, after you've had a chance to mull over this post.)

See, before my affair, I'd actually felt OK about my marriage, but, yeah, there were things that I'd let get to me. I was putting in 50-hour weeks with a 90-minute commute each way. I was traveling a lot. My wife's work schedule was all over the place. She was into her job, and she was into the kids & their activities, and she was into her volunteer work at the church, and we had the picture-perfect family by all appearances, but I was tired, and I didn't feel like I was first on her list of priorities, and frankly, she was just so GOOD at everything she did, so confident, that I got to feeling like I wasn't all that needed by her. And so I started rationalizing things I'd previously not have thought about. I figured, "What's the harm in some friendly conversation with a church acquaintance, about the music we were singing? What's the matter with having another friend? What's the matter with discussing a shared interest in music? What's the harm in comparing notes about parenting issues? What's the harm in saying "Thanks" after she tells me what a great Dad I seem to be? ... Don't I deserve it, as a human being? I mean, read the papers, guys all over the place, left & right, have mistresses, and all I was doing was having some extra conversations, right? And what's the big deal about a long-e-mail conversation? If my wife's working all night & isn't around, and her husband's working late, can't we talk? After all, we're both good, upstanding people, we'd never do anything improper. And if she says that I make her laugh, well, I guess I do, but so what? And you know, I go to Europe on business, and all the French & Italian guys are having affairs, and their wives treat it like it's no big deal, and I'm not even going to have an affair, just a cup of coffee with this other person... a change-of-pace. Breaks up the monotony of life, y'know? I work so hard, I've been such a boy-scout, it's time, just for once, that I can enjoy a little flattery, a little risque talk, just to keep my sanity. What's the problem if I chat with this person on the phone at the office? It'll make me more enthusiastic about going to work -- after all, I've been doing that same job for years, it gets old. ..."

Pengy, can ya see the little thread of entitlement that's in the thoughts that were playing through my mind over the span of several weeks as I was getting into an emotional affair?

That entitlement is the kicker. It doesn't have to manifest itself in an affair -- it can manifest itself in other ways -- but in your case, it's already manifested itself in your thinking giddy thoughts on account of another guy. (Not by my unfounded speculation, but by your candid admission.) The entitlement is what eats away at your boundaries. It's what lets you draw smiley-faces on some other guy's car, and it's what lets you rationalize away that sort of behavior as not that big of a deal.

Go back and re-read your last post, and tell me if you can't see some threads of entitlement. Whaddya think?

Originally Posted by pengy

...Why can't I have a turn?"...

So as I said, you're correct: The issue is not really him so much as it is you. Specifically, it's about that entitlement.

If you don't keep it in check, you're ripe for just the sorts of seemingly minor & innocuous first steps onto the slippery slope that you've fessed up to here.

The way you keep entitlement in check is to get your top emotional needs met, and not get them met by folks outside your marriage. But it takes two of you in order to get those needs met within your marriage, and that's why your husband needs to be in on the entire conversation that's been running in your head.

Pengy, trust me, I don't sit in some cave or basement living my life through the prism of my affair & regretting it all. Not at all. I've been the #2 guy in my high-school class, I've attended (and washed out of) a service academy, I've played in my college marching band at the Rose Bowl multiple times, I've learned a foreign language, I've been an accredited United States diplomat and been all over the world, I've served in my church, I've raised two great kids most of the way, I'm still the fastest guy on my baseball team at 43 years of age, I'll kick your butt at chess or ping-pong, I enjoy a good bourbon, but not nearly as much as a glass of cold iced tea, and I have the best wife on the planet. I am forgiven by her although not by myself, and I have a better life than 99 percent of the people who have ever lived. I put in a good 8 hours downtown today and don't need to be here posting to you when I could be downstairs watching "Bones" with my family. But I do see it as a bit of a calling to share some of What-I-Learned-The-Hard-Way.

You didn't show up on some general self-actualization website, you showed up on a marriage-help website, in the "surviving an affair" section, talking about how a married man-not-your-husband makes you feel all giddy. So when we're trying to address that, wouldn't it be a little disingenuous of you to make us out to be a bunch of bitter folks who're too focused on our past pain & too inclined to see every problem through the prism of an affair?

Like I said before, I'm rooting for ya, because I've stood where you stand. But I'm also telling ya what you've gotta do, and that is to open ALL the way up to your husband so that the two of you can attack this entitlement thing head-on. Go check out "His Needs / Her Needs" and the Emotional Needs Questionnaire on this site, and get to understand those concepts, and fill out the Questionnaire with your husband. I'm not gonna beat you to death with that advice, because I've said it, and so have others. What you do now is up to you. If you care to stick around & ask questions, there are some folks here who've done pretty well starting from some pretty bad situations, and from whom you can learn a surprising amount about relationships, even if you're a 43-year-old geezer like me.

Nice post.

Pengy,

Again, you're being overly defensive when we're all here actually wanting you to succeed.

You have said certain things we've all heard from those of us who have been betrayed.

"I don't know who I am. I need to find myself." etc.

You don't seem to accept that you MAJORLY crossed the line already by flirting with this man. You didn't do so much damage that it can't be undone, but you've started down the slippery slope and rather than accept that, you've defended how much you're not a blank.

We get it. You have never done something like this before.

The big point we're making is that you have poor boundaries, which allowed you to go down this path and not setting up big boundaries will make you vulnerable in the future.

You have unmet emotional needs. You were getting these needs met by another man. You're missing some sort of excitement in your life.

So this is a sign of an unmet need. This is where YOU must create your own excitement and get assertive with your H. He's not a mind reader. Want to take classes? Then tell him that you'd like to and set up a way he can watch the kids while you go.

Perhaps you can take dance classes together. Perhaps you need to setup more date nights.

Perhaps you simply would get a lot out of going alone to the library once a week for 2 hours so you get a break from the kids. (Or a spa, etc)

The point is that your defensiveness is because you take what we're saying as a personal attack and it's not. It is the harsh reality of what we see here every single day when a devastated soul comes here asking for help because their spouse has strayed.

You are a rare case, which is welcome, but you must be willing to accept that the excuses you throw at us are all things we've heard before. You're not unique or different. You're a standard wayward who has enough of a conscience to stop herself before things go further.

For that, you certainly deserve to be commended.

The other thing you must understand is that every single betrayed spouse here recognizes that they could just as easily have strayed. ALL of us are wired to stray. It's conscious boundaries that stop us.

You let your boundaries down. We're telling you that you don't appear to have any. You may have never strayed before, but that may simply be due to a lack of exposure or opportunity. You did say this is the first job you have taken in years.

Did you tell your H about your flirting with this other man?

We're all sounding the alarm to you because you're on that slippery slope. We also have no idea where your affair is currently heading. Is it continuing? Are you still flirting?

You had an emotional affair. You find yourself attracted to another man and getting excited by him. You have already crossed the line. You just haven't crossed it so far that the damage can't be undone.

That's a good thing and we're all pleased that you had the presence of mind to come here for help.

But the 2x4s you're getting is because you aren't really getting it.

You're on the edge of a cliff and you're yelling at your rescuers. Be quiet for a minute and absorb what people here are telling you. Re-read the posts and see that no one here has said, "What? You flirted with another man! You're a skank blank who should burn in hell!"

No one has said that. We've held up a mirror and you don't like what you see.

Take a good hard look and listen to what we're saying. Absorb it. Digest it.

You've strayed because you have unmet emotional needs. Whatever they are are things that you must explore with your H.

We don't fall for excuses.

As my own therapist said, why you do something isn't anywhere near as important as the fact that you stop doing it!

It's like someone who is fat exploring the reasons why they eat. They can explore it forever. The point is to stop eating and start working out. Who cares about why. We know the why. "I eat too much and don't exercise enough."

I've gained ten pounds since I got married. I don't need to explore the why but simply accept that I must stop the behavior that have led me down this path and change them.

Marriage isn't any different. You've started flirting with another man. So stop. It's that simple. Stop and make sure you take steps to not do it anymore, which means you quit interacting with men in anything other than a professional capacity. No one is telling you to be an a$$ to men. But if they're not your H, then you keep them at bay. It really is that simple.

You're the only person that can fix your lack of happiness. Your H can't do it. This man you flirt with can't do it. YOU are the one that is most responsible for your own personal unhappiness. I don't want to hear about how bad your childhood was.

You can dwell on that or you can get on with your life. It's a conscious decision.

There comes a point in a betrayed spouse's recovery when they simply say, "I'm tired of feeling like crap. I won't let myself feel this way anymore. I choose to start living. Grieving time is over."

You have to do the same now. You need to tell yourself, "It doesn't matter why I flirted with this other man. It simply is going to stop now and I will no longer do it. I will find ways to make my marriage a better marriage and I will do everything I can to improve it and will work with my husband to make things better."

It really is that simple.

All of these posts are wonderful. You guys are really amazing. As a recent wayward, seeing things spelled out like this, repeatedly, is very beneficial. Just wish I was in Pengy's shoes instead of my own.....Pengy, all of this amazing advice is a gift.....this is your chance....for all of us who didn't see where we were going until too late or recognize we had chances, take it.....take it for us (not to mention for yourself and your relationship!)

Pengy please do not be defensive we are all trying to help you understand the feelings you are feeling, when you are defensive like this it only shows one thing....

You are a WW and we can not teach you

So either get as much help as you can while you still have a chance to save your marriage or don't take the advice and watch what will happen, if you do that and when you come back (I say when because it will happen) your next post would be "you guy's were right."

Agreed.

Pengy, if people are up in arms, it is because you have a chance to avoid a mistake. You have a chance that so many, including my own FWW, wish they had before they made "the worst mistake in my life."

Once that threshold is crossed, nothing ever again will completely repair the damage that will transpire.

You have learned wrong; not your fault. A lot of the folks here, including myself, had it wrong for a long time, too. Grab this opportunity before it fades.