I think a lot of these things could be solved quite easily if you and your wife were totally O&H with each other. Part of the problem right now is that there has been a complete breakdown in communication in your M. Your wife is afraid to say anything to you because of how you may react. You are afraid to say anything to her because you are still hurting from her betrayal. But there is no way either of you will ever be able to heal or recover your marriage if you don't start communicating.

As bitbucket said, your wife has expressed a desire to expose to OMW on her thread. She seems very eager to do so as part of the recovery process in your marriage. But she is being told by every single poster not to do it, mostly because this would be a form of breaking NC. It is very likely that the OM will attempt to contact her if she informs his wife about the A. Really, it is best for you to be the one to do this because of the danger of OM trying to contact your wife and setting your recovery back even further.

So, what you perceive as your wife trying to protect the OM is actually her trying to protect you and your marriage from the OM. A little communication could have cleared that up in a few minutes. I don't know what the other issues are, but perhaps they are something that communication could solve as well.

All I know is that WW's who are still pining for the OM and who view their H's and their M's as 2nd choice almost never come to MB and stick around this long working their butts off to save their marriages. That just never happens. The fact that your wife is here, listening to the advice she is being given and doing her best to follow the MB program, speaks volumes about where her heart is and who she truly loves. I see a great deal of sincerity in all of her posts. She isn't here asking about how to get over her feelings for the OM (like many of us WW's were when we first found this site). She is here asking how she can help YOU, the man she loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with.

Well, it's about time! One of the very first things I advised WPG when her thread first appeared was that OMW should be told & that she should not object to this.

Broken, if it bothers you that OMW has not been informed (and it's understandable that this would bother you), then you can form a plan of communicating with OMW, and carry it out -- this can be done either by you, or by your wife (with you listening in so that you can have assurance re: what is said). I'm sure some of the BSs here can advise you better than I can re: what to say, who should say it, and by what means it should be communicated.

This should be good for your marriage. By making OMW aware of her spouse's propensity toward (or at least history of) cheating, you place another set of eyes on him, which in turn will probably make it less likely that OM will be inclined to attempt any renewal of contact with your wife.

Fair enough. However, I think YOU need to be involved in agreeing in advance with WPG re: what the message to OMW should be & perhaps even listening in on the line (if it's a phone call) or handling the delivery yourself (if it's a letter or e-mail) so that YOU can have assurance that the message gets delivered & that it says what you agreed it should say.

However, what you CAN'T do is NOT participate in crafting the message & ensuring delivery, and THEN criticize/blame WPG for any doubts you may have afterwards about what was said or whether the message was received. If this communication with OMW is to achieve its purpose re: your peace-of-mind, then IMO you need to stand up & have a hand in the process, in both the planning & the execution.

Wait a sec. You mean OMW doesn't know?? What did I miss? There was no exposure?

I really am trying to stay off this thread. As a WS, I don't want to come across as dismissing your pain but when I see something so glaring, I can't help but comment.

My BH has a similar passive/aggressive attitude that makes me crazy. He will be upset about something at work, at home, with family or whatever. He lets the offending party know he is upset by his actions or inactions but when asked a direct question he will not comment. By doing this he is always able (in his mind anyway) to attribute negative movtives to the offending party.

This discussion about the OMW is a perfect example. This is yet another hoop you have put up for WPG to jump through but you are not telling her where it is or how to jump through it. When she does it wrong (as she inevitably will as everyone is telling her NOT to contact OMW) you will use that as further justification to not recover.

If you think it is on her to contact OMW, then you need to TELL her. Not imply or insinuate or "think she should know". You need to tell her. If she refuses or balks or makes excuses, then you have your answer.

I think (huge DJ here) you are afraid to tell her what you want/need for fear she will follow through and you will no longer be justified in your hurt/anger and possible desire to leave the marriage. I think it is clear on this board that you need no further justification to leave this marriage.

Tell her what you need. If she can't/won't give it to you then it will hurt but with that pain you will be able to begin healing. Right now you have an open wound that you are intentionally allowing to fester. Maybe she can heal you, maybe not but you owe it to yourself to see and make a final decison from a place of knowlege.

The reluctance may be due to this; when you expose to OMW, if you expose to OMW, it is going to bring it all up - like a rush of bile in your throat. It's going to feel like it all just happened yesterday.

It HURTS. I tried to expose to OMGF, but I was dealing with a 22-year-old girl. She didn't want to believe it, because of the stories OM told her.



Broken, this is another point you and I have in common. We have wives who did not value something that we held as sacred, something we viewed as absolutely special. Because of that, they gave it away to dirtbags for a little time and attention. It's a painful and damaging thought. But, I again say we weren't second choice to any OM, but to the selfishness and delusion of our wives, to their laziness and sense of entitlement, to their weak boundaries and lack of self respect.

You and I, sir, are not second choice! Does that make sense to you? Though, I wonder, due to how much we have in common here, how long you have allowed yourself to be second choice to her?

I've allowed my entire marriage... until now. I will no longer be considered anything but first. Not to any other family, not to my children. I will be FIRST or I am done.

Make sense?

Maybe I shouldn't be doing this, since I know you have been told not to read your wife's thread, but I'm going to do it anyway, because I think it is something you need to hear.


This is what your wife wrote this morning. These do not sound like the words of a woman who is still in love with the OM and thinks of you, her DH, as a mere 2nd choice.

I actually almost started crying when I read your wife's post (and I am NOT a crier). This is just breaking my heart. I really need some time away from this site today.

This isn't true, she was protecting herself and she THOUGHT she was protecting YOU.


How is that? She just said on her thread "I am in love with DH, I will always be in love with DH". She isn't showing this to you? How could she prove this to you NOW? She cannot go back and un-do the past but she CAN make "just compensation" for it.


We have all felt this way, broken...I went through "real" FR (versus trickle truth, which is what you got ~ although I got that too) for 10 months. 10 freaking months after I found out about the A, I found out once again that it never ended. Even after seeing me completely meltdown, go AWOL, spend the better part of each and every day crying for 10 months, I found out H was still carrying on in the A. Talk about feeling like second choice.


She is there with you RIGHT NOW making you her first choice. She is not with OM, she is not with anyone else. She is working like a crazy woman trying to prove this to you. You are punishing yourself by not allowing her to meet your needs, by not allowing her to make just compensation.

broken...as much as you might not want to hear this, you have no idea how fortunate you are that you have a FWW here on MB, posting and trying to get help. Most of us would have died for that same amount of effort from our FWSs. As you see, there are very few FWSs here, they get beat up alot. The ones who stick around are serious about recovery, serious about making just compenstion.

You HAVE that, broken...embrace it. Realize that you can have the marriage of your dreams ~ you've been to h*ll and back. If you D and start over, you are back at square one ~ you will not have all the knowledge of what you've been through to protect a future M. In THIS marriage, your W knows what needs to be done to protect you both from this again. A future spouse will not have the knowledge, will not take those pre-cautions.

You have a W willing to implement EPs, willing to learn to meet needs, willing to avoid LBers. You have the golden opportunity to build the M of your dreams BECAUSE of what you have been through.

Starting over with someone else means you chance going through this again because you and a new spouse will not have learned all of this. The thought of that alone scared the living daylights out of me and was one reason why I decided to stick it out. I am so glad I did, truly...our M is better than ever.

Thank you everyone. What is the best way to expose and what should we say to OMW? I will be a part of it but WW is going to be the one to expose. Also OMW just had a baby 3-4 weeks ago.

You and your WW call up the OMW on the speaker phone when you know that the OM will not be there. This way the call does not have to be rushed so the facts have the time to sink into the OMW head.

Then say how they met, how the affair started, that it was a PA, when it ended. How your WW wants NC with the OM and OMW. That if the OMW finds that she needs questions answered she can call back at another time. Eventualy those calls will have to stop because for all parties to heal NC needs to be in place for all.

I am sorry to hear about your father. I lost my dad on Father's Day last summer and it still hurts in surprising ways. His passing wasn't a surprise due to his condition, but it was still a shock, you know? **edit**

Where have you been broken2009?

Did you ever expose the OMW?

Hello broken2009, I have read your WW post and it is crazy how similar your story is to mine. I thought for a moment it was my WW posting. It's been a year since d day and I still have major issues with what happened. I hope you get through this and find happiness.