Yeah I agree

Did you consider Alanon? Im sorry if I missed this if you have allready replied.

No I havent considered it. Honestly, I consider weed to be the same as cigarettes, more of a habit than an addiction. If it were alcohol or heroin or something along those measures I would consider it.

Its something everyone has their own opinion of. I have done it before myself, I know all the facts. The only time it becomes a problem is if he spends money we dont have on it (which he hasnt been doing) or using it as an excuse to see OW. I have more of a problem with him smoking cigarettes. I told him the other day how amazing he looks (lost 80lbs) and how Im sure he cant wait to quit smoking so he can feel as great on the inside as he looks on the outside, a day or two later he told me he's finally ready to quit

Don't mean to be harsh here - to be honest, I'm not all anti-marijuana either - but addiction is addiction, period. If you smoked 40 joints a day, that's a problem. Weed is not like cigarettes. It alters your mental state and motor function.

A habit is smoking a joint here or there. A functional addict might smoke a J every night. An addict cannot function without first feeding their addiction.


An addict will sacrifice everything else in their life to feed their habit. If their habit is fed, they can be functional. If it is not, they become destructive.

It can be weed, food, sex, alcohol, exercise, porn, coke, heroin, speeding; addiction is a physiological process, not an action or substance.

Denial; not just a river in Egypt.

For someone that does it often, they become used to it and can fnction normally "under the influence". As a matter of fact it helps some people with ADD to concentrate better.


I dont agree. Smoking a joint here or there would be more social. Smoking one right after the other would be an addict, like OW. H is in between the two, he likes to have it but can (and does) go without it.

Again, I appreciate that everyone has there own opinions and perceptions. It affects people differently. I know how it affects my H and it is not an issue in our marriage.

@Jealousy -

Open your eyes

Anybody that gets up at 3:30 AM to leave the bed away from his wife to go `Burn One` is an addict. There is no in between.


Four in the morning to go `Burn One`. LOL!

Ok - so make the call; is the addiction that would drive him to do that the weed, or the OW?

Is either "OK" enough to be more important than your needs and feelings?

He didnt get up to "Burn One", if that were the case then yes he would be an addict. However, even if he didnt smoke at all he would have went anyway. She offered him to see her, he didnt go to feed his addiction to smoke but rather to feed his addiction to her.

And in THIS statement, you have your answer to if he is having an affair.

Jealousy, I know it is easy to see people's posts and become defensive. Sometimes, I look at what those posts were and I try ti figure out WHY the person suggested that and if there was anything there. Only YOU can change YOU.

No matter what the amount, and no matter whether it is drugs, time, money, or emotions, your WH is squandering resources that rightfully belong

ONLY TO HIS FAMILY!!!

You continue to defend him, but that is what it boils down to. How long are you willing to continue to let him skate by, funneling YOUR belongings (of money, time, emotional investment, etc.) into any addiction, whether it is drugs or a wh0re?

PS I don't say any of this out of anger. You deserve far better than what he is giving you, and I hope in time you see that.

Plan B is your best option for him to get to the point where he WANTS to be drug-free, where he WANTS to be wh0re-free, where he WANTS to invest his love in you and in the family.

He will never do that for as long as you keep on the way you are going.

I love that smartazz statement I hear from stoners.."Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs"

Its just so revealing and thier denial has become a badge of what they percieve as independance.

So Jealousy, the point has allready been made but Ill ask again. Why are you not more important, or your kids, than the OW and/or his unemployed stoner activities?

Let you in on a little secret. You can't bullchit a bullchiter. I used to smoke and sell weed as a kid, 14-15, and even played around with drugs then. I was a selfish childish kid with an attitude problem. I felt sorry for myself and what life had dealt me, and thought I had an excuse.

Then I had to grow up and face the music, and see it for what it was, a poison that did not reveal truth, but hid it from me, and it was stealing the very things that I told myself I would never have, because I thought I was so smart, and jaded, and deserving, and Boo-hoo. I was not acting like a man, and if I wanted to be one, i had to act like one and stop whining.

He doesn't NEED pot, or this friendship with OW, or a chance to think with all the freedom you are giving him. He needs to grow up. The sooner you go to Plan B the better, maybe we can reason together on the pot thing, and we can discuss and learn what it does to people, and how its just slavery in life. But that will have to come in time.

But please don't waste time discussing the merits of Pot. Been there, done that, and have been witness to many who have gone the same cycle and realized how they were lying to themselves, and there was no freedom in it, not as releif from glaucoma, but coping with thier consceince, which is what it really is for, to avoid it.

Functional addicts are still addicts, they just please enough people to stay that way. The problems that brought the addiction still live inside them, and thats the source of the addiction, not the drug, that is only what we see on the outside. They can controll that feeling, and they are out of control inside.

So Im sitting here, all alone, trying to keep my cool, but getting overwhelmed and wanting to contact H right now. I want to scream and shout and kick and punch and hurt him!! I dont freakin get it, I really dont, how can I Love and Hate the same person sooo much? Im writing here to keep from lovebusting on his a$$!!

He went to OWs yesterday, for some reason her father felt compelled to buy him break pads and OWs neighbour is a mechanic so he used that as an excuse to go. I tried to talk him into getting a family member to fix his breaks but he claimed this guy owed him a favour. He was supposed to be back today but of course, as I already figured, his brakes havent been fixed yet and buddy is doing them tomorrow. Not only does it hurt, it screws me over for my doctors appointment tomorrow where im scrambling to find a sitter! ARG!

Good thats what yur supposed to do right now.

This H of yours sounds more like a 16 yr. old kid. Please don't let him make you get mad, or blame yourself, you know he is messing up and hurting you, although I do understand, its the toxicity and complete denial of how this could be like this, when you are trying so hard.

Am I right on that?

Don't lovebust, finish Plan A, then in B you can be away from this, and closer to better things in life.

Yes you are right. I have told him many times he acts like a 15 yr old kid or a 20 yr old bachlor.

I just dont get how he can be here and so lovey dovey and then go there knowing hes hurting me. And the worse is he'll say things like "I dont mean to hurt you, its not my intention" or "I dont understand why you get so upset, we're just friends, shes no different than my guy friends" or my personal favourite "You really should give her another chance, shes not a bad person". I just dont get how he can justify sleeping there and spending so much time with her when he knows how much it hurts me and then simply say "sorry your upset"!!

I honestly dont think he understands the extent of the damage hes doing. I told him just last week how Im still dealing with the pain of him having that house with her. Anytime its mentioned or the thought just pops in my head at random, im still holding back tears. He was completely dumbfounded, he just didnt realize how hurt I was and still am because of it. Yet it doesnt stop him from continuing. How can someone be so incredibly disrespectful of someone elses feelings? Never in life have I done anything without first thinking about how it would affect those around me.

Should there be "consequences" when he gets home? or do I simply just say I dont appreciate it? or just pretend he didnt even go there?

I wish I would have implimented MB last year instead of just telling myself that he was just lost and he'd come around, maybe I wouldnt be going through this again. Instead I used guilt, which brought him home but not without resentment

@Jealousy -

Sorry, I DJed you.

Wither or not your WS is an addict or not is something that you need to decide for yourself.

It would seem to me that his behavior is extremely irresponsible to you. He has caused you to miss a doctors appointment.

How are you protecting yourself from his wayward behavior for the future?

If he is not protecting you, how are you protecting you?

Where are your boundaries?

Remember neaks manifesto?

Hes still waiting for buddy to fix his brakes before he comes home. I wont miss my appointment just have to make other arrangements for a sitter.

I plan on going to Plan B to protect myself, I cant continue on like this. He says he doesnt know what he wants and hes pretty sure hes making the right choice not wanting to be here but he has yet to leave and attempt to actually live on his own where Im not still available for him to run back to. Even when he had a house with OW last year, he would say he was coming to visit our kids and show up hours after bedtime and just sit with me. I think he was home sick or even missed me though he wouldnt admit it.

I get lost with boundries and dont know how to make them so they dont sound like selfish demands to him. Any time Ive tried to set boundries regarding female friends I get jealousy thrown in my face. I just dont know how to set these so they wont sound selfish and so they will be respected.

I am in no way an expert with boundaries. I am learning them also.

My take is:

Boundary

Selfish Demand

There is a post on boundaries and I can no longer find it. If some one else knows where it is could you please bump?

My H would still see this as being controlling. He would take it as "Her or Me". I guess its a fine line.

But that's how it is, isn't it? As long as your WH continues his relationship with Skanko, you can no longer be with him.

That's not controlling. That's your boundary. It's a matter of self-respect, not control.

Your boundaries are something about YOU. THIS is more like a boundary protection. "I will not accept a marriage with three people." And then you need to DO something about it. Plan B would be the way to go.

I think that until you are in Plan B(have you set a date BTW? Prepared your letter? You have an IM, ME so you are in the right direction)you need to learn how to tell him that it is unacceptable to you that your family and you are not number one. Make sure that it is known to him that you are willing to forgive his mistakes of the past, in the future, if things are different. You could also tell him that you KNOW that there IS a possibility of having a great marriage. A marriage where you BOTH will find happiness, TOGETHER.

I think I am going to find that reverse fog talk thread for you too. You are going to need to use a lot of that in the next coming days(please don't say it will be weeks).