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Well it's come to my attention that the term "nuclear" as in "nuclear exposure" as we use that term here on the MB forums has been a problem for a couple of persons so I thought I try to help them out.

First this is what Dr. Harley's words are about exposure as will appear in the upcoming revised edition of His Needs, Her Needs:

Dr. Harley - Exposure:When Should an Affair be Exposed 10-28-10

With the pertinent language [emphasis mine]:

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
...the issue of exposure comes up when a betrayed spouse has first learned about the affair. Should it be exposed to others, or kept secret? I generally recommend exposure. When should it be exposed? I usually recommend that it be exposed immediately. To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover�s spouse be informed. Exposure in the workplace depends on several factors.

There are many reasons for this recommendation, but the primary reason is based on my belief that the more people know about what I do in my most private moments, the safer I am to others. Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences one spouse can inflict on the other, and it�s far less likely to take place, or continue to take place, when everyone knows about it.


Next a little history of the term "Nuclear Exposure" as used on the MB forums.

The term "Nuclear Exposure" is really a MB forum term. The first 4 examples of the term that I could find were used by the poster Aphelion. Here they are [emphasis mine]:

Originally Posted by aAphelion 7/1/05
In my case, FWW packed up and left the morning or D-Day 2. I believe she expected OM to join her. He didn’t. And I further headed that off in a confrontation with him and threatened nuclear (and I mean big nuclear, not core family nuclear) exposure.

Originally Posted by Aphelion 9/16/05
W moved back home after meeting all the requirements in my Plan B letter, with proof. This included an apology letter to OM W on top of the NC letter, Retrouvaille, MC, IC (a different one this time), returning to an active church involvement, total access to phone and computer accounts, me confronting OM, total nuclear exposure, and a half dozen additional things unique to us. And I waited to see her proofs endure for several months before I agreed to anything.

Originally Posted by Aphelion 11/22/05
I know the helpless feeling. FWW left to be with OM. He did not join her after all (nuclear exposure intervened) but she stayed away almost six months.

Originally Posted by Aphelion 1/19/06
Interfere in the LTA from the OW end as much as you can. She is not going to give up the LTA any easier than WH will. I recommend nuclear exposure. In my case, confronting OM threw a big monkey wrench in the LTA. But this takes nerves of steel and a realization you have nothing to loose.

Originally Posted by Aphelion 3/29/06
Uzzah, you are a walking, talking testament to the need for radical, nuclear, exposure. If all your friends and family, and yes, all your children including OW's, knew about your affair, there would be a lot less obsessing about it on your part. The consequences of your affair need to become more real to you. The sleaze it really was. Real to everyone in your life.


So in 2005 the term was used a total of 5 times on the forum. In his case he was really referring to confronting OM directly and "blowing up" the affair. "Exposure" seemed to be about confronting OM and merely threatening "nuclear exposure", which is not really what the term has come to mean on MB thereafter. However, Aphelion did more appropriately use the term and narrow down his definition of the term "Nuclear Exposure" in the last post above in early 2006 as "all your friends and family, and yes, all your children including OW's".

So then in 2006 the term "nuclear exposure" started being used more regularly by others besides just Aphelion. According to the search feature, it "appears" 22 times in 2006.

Here's one:

Originally Posted by Longhorn 4/1/06
For sure, if you're going to make one final attempt, you need to do a Plan A by the book and that includes a nuclear exposure. You'd need to make sure everyone who can put pressure on the affair finds out about it. If it's "re-exposure," the same criteria apply. Your children aren't old enough to be told, but that sure leaves a whole universe out there of people who can express their disapproval with your WH.


Here's another nice one by Longhorn balancing the former poster WAT's concentric circles of exposure theory against the newer term "Nuclear Exposure":

Originally Posted by Longhorn 6/3/06
Q, welcome back to MB. I'm sorry you're back because that means the adultery isn't over. WAT has suggested you expose in concentric circles of individuals, exposing to some--waiting to see if the effect is sufficient--then exposing to others, etc., etc. Sometimes this works. Sometimes it is self-defeating because it gives the partners in adultery time to "spin" things with folks not included in the first wave. I treasure WAT's advice enough to include his "Exposure 101" thread in my signature block.

On the other hand, some others out here, such as Melodylane, think one "nuclear" exposure is best because it gives the adulterers nowhere to find refuge. It all hits at once and has a greater effect on the adultery. I think the one-time exposure effort is best because I like my weapons to strike hard and with great impact.

You pick the method that suits your situation best. When in doubt, pick the one that is tougher for you and from which you are shying away.


Here's one by Nottoday I liked from 2006. What I like is the limiting of the definition of "nuclear" to "all possible targets". He doesn't say expose to the whole world but rather "nuclear" refers to a one time BIG BANG of exposure to specific people "targeted". It's not a scud missile..."nuclear exposure" as used on the forums is "targeted".

Originally Posted by Nottoday 5/14/06
With a NUCLEAR EXPOSURE done all at the same time to all possible targets, as you go through the recovery process you will no doubt broaden your allys that can be there for you in a time of need. This approach certainly risk some fallout...there may be friends, family, others who disown the WW or never look at her the same, or their may be others who rationalize her actions along with her that will certain impact your ability to have close relationships with them long term, but the important thing to remember is that when your wife made her choices, she also bears the responsbility for the consequences. It is quite sad that many innocent Japanese citizens lost their lives in Hiroshima, but the fact remains that the Japanese chose to bring the US into WWII when they made their choice to bomb Pearl Harbor.


So thereafter, "nuclear exposure" became a more widely used term. It appeared 30 times in 2007, around 48 times in 2008, 109 times in 2009 (35 or so times in one thread that had "nuclear exposure" in the title) and finally, about 200 times in 2010 so far. Interestingly, the exact term has been used very few times by MelodyLane our resident exposure expert and I have never saw it used as a reason to expose to hundreds of extraneous persons only remotely associated with the Wayward Spouse or the public at large.



So MY OPINION:

I think term "nuclear exposure" as used on the MB forums (and consistent with Dr. Harley's words about exposure) can be defined as:

Quote
NUCLEAR EXPOSURE: A Marriage Builders strategy whereupon a Betrayed Spouse faced with Wayward partner unwilling to completely cease his relationship with his/her affair partner and after taking into consideration the totality of the facts and circumstances of his/her situation, undertakes a plan of exposing their Wayward Spouse's DOCUMENTED* infidelity for the objectives of busting the affair up, seeking emotional support for themselves and setting the historical record straight by utilizing broad reaching exposure of such affair by whatever means necessary to communicate effectively, without any forewarning and in a non-vindictive manner, to as many "targets" as possible that MAY have any influence or ability to achieve the three stated objectives. Such "nuclear exposure" will often be much broader on the Other Man/Other Woman side of the fence because the Betrayed Spouse could care less about the reputation of the OM/OW going forward and such broad exposure has dramatically less consequences and embarrassment for the BS themselves. It is also more difficult to target just the right persons on the OM/OW's side to achieve the desired result so "target" as many as possible. However, "Nuclear" does not mean GLOBAL. It's just a massive TARGETED exposure bomb that hits all at once and hopefully, overwhelms and defeats the enemies of the marriage or at least, gets support for it.
Our Goal as Peer Marriage Coaches

Our goal here on the MB support forums is to motivate newbies facing this overwhelming and non-instinctual task to undertake the utilization of this most powerful tool to break up their spouses affair and save the family/marriage that THEY CAME HERE SEEKING HELP TO SAVE as well as coaching them how to do it right and in the techniques of proper "TARGETING" of exposure candidates. Generally, the whole world doesn't have to know...but 1/2 efforts achieve 1/2 results. Miss a few of just the right persons and the exposure may just fail. Instincts, IMO, will have a BS erring on the side of underexposing the affair...so our goal should be to help them see that expanding their targeting system is USUALLY worth the effort.


CAVEAT:
In the end...it's the exposing BS's decision. It's his/her life and his/her consequences. We can direct him or her to what we've seen work here in the past and our opinions of what they should do...but ultimately it's their call. Just because we know what works best most of the time doesn't mean we have the answer to any specific individuals situation. Though VERY unlikely, less exposure may have worked just as well to bust up the affair. We DON'T and CAN'T know with certainty so we are just playing the odds and we do a disservice if we don't at least offer a poster seeking advice the best odds of saving their marriage. That said...they take the risk by accepting FREE ADVICE on the internet and they'd be well-advised to use some common freaking sense when applying anything they read on the internet to their own lives. I assume no responsibility for someone else's failure and no accolades for someone else's success. We are just TRYING to be non-professional PEER marital coaches assisting people in THEIR decision process using our experience and knowledge of the MB plans as we know them today. We aren't perfect.

What do you think?

Mr. Wondering


*"Documented infidelity" - means before you run around exposing anyone broadly you better have documented proof to protect yourself. We live in a litigious society. I'm not too concerned with actual Waywards suing someone for defamation because generally most Waywards DO NOT want to submit themselves to open depositions or open court and flaunt their waywardness for the world to see. There is a big reason they keep their affairs secret...because they KNOW it's wrong and the last thing they want to do is further advertise their wayward behavior by suing someone. What I'm referring to is you better be right. If you expose someone claiming they are committing adultery but you have no proof whatsoever....whether you are right or not, you're asking for it. You could be wrong (maybe they haven't had sex..yet) or they could have covered their tracks well enough that they THINK they can sue you and PROVE you wrong. They MAY be lying but if you can't at least demonstrate by a preponderance of the evidence that they are or were having an affair you may be subject to civil penalty for defamation, slander, invasion of privacy, etc. If you don't have good documentation of a physical affair...don't call it a "physical" or "sexual" affair. Just say it's an "affair" (which is inclusive of the term emotional and/or sexual affairs not to mention it protects you from many defamation per se statutes which often include specific utterances of sexual immorality...the word "affair" is not necessarily an "utterance of sexual immorality").


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I must have re-written my definition about 20 times and I still can't get it right. It's still sounds awkward.

finally just hit submit...sorry

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I prefer tsunami over nuclear.

But, that's just me.


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Thank you so much for taking the time to write this and take it step by step. I know it took a long time.

I think there were several people under the impression that as soon as one finds out about an A one should immediately write it on everyone's FB wall, take out an ad, etc. That made me a little nervous because, like you said, we do live in a litigious society.

I think your hard work has cleared up for me not only what nuclear really means but also what Dr. Harley means. Thank you very much.

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I am still not clear about exposure after the A has ended...talking months/years after. Dr. Harely seems to state that exposure is a technique to break up the affair NOT to exact revenge after it has ended. I don't mean the OMW or OWH...of course they should be notified but what bout extended family future GF and BF's (if you know about them through some breach of NC)

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Originally Posted by Tawandabelle
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this and take it step by step. I know it took a long time.

I think there were several people under the impression that as soon as one finds out about an A one should immediately write it on everyone's FB wall, take out an ad, etc. That made me a little nervous because, like you said, we do live in a litigious society.

I think your hard work has cleared up for me not only what nuclear really means but also what Dr. Harley means. Thank you very much.


Well Dr. Harley does use the word "immediate" when answering the "when to expose" question, but I don't recall anyone saying post it on someone's facebook wall. I HAVE seen posters advise getting as many contacts as they can off someone's list of facebook friends and privately messaging those persons (if it's the wayward spouses list the BS should know who to "target" off such list but on the OW/OM side of things...I say, message them all especially the ones sharing the same last name or seemingly related). With a little groundwork, it's pretty easy to figure out who people are on someones facebook page. Often, on some of the target's pages...messages back and forth are available for review. If you can exclude people...exclude them...if not, use common sense to figure out if you want to "target" them.

Back in 2005 everyone wasn't on facebook and we didn't see a whole lot of facebook affair communications. Instead I advised people to snoop out the blast joke emails that waywards often exchange with each other (aren't they soooo cute). Such "blast" email would very often contain about 10-30 emails of the most important people in the OM/OW's lives. Use those emails to expose.

I'm sure the facebook wall has been done but that's not very "targeted" so may result in a sloppy exposure....if it's the only means possible I still say do it, because it's certainly better than doing nothing.

Mr. Wondering


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Originally Posted by sunnydaze53
I am still not clear about exposure after the A has ended...talking months/years after. Dr. Harely seems to state that exposure is a technique to break up the affair NOT to exact revenge after it has ended. I don't mean the OMW or OWH...of course they should be notified but what bout extended family future GF and BF's (if you know about them through some breach of NC)

A lot of if's to think about. Does the OPS know?

That's a must even if the affair has been over thirty years ago and they the OP, OPS live on the east coast and the WS and the BS live on the west coast now.

The OP should never get away unscathed because their BS never found out.

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Originally Posted by sunnydaze53
I am still not clear about exposure after the A has ended...talking months/years after. Dr. Harely seems to state that exposure is a technique to break up the affair NOT to exact revenge after it has ended. I don't mean the OMW or OWH...of course they should be notified but what bout extended family future GF and BF's (if you know about them through some breach of NC)

I've not seen "NUCLEAR" exposure recommended AFTER the A has ended so it's not really on topic with this thread...

but...I'll try to answer.

First...no MB recommended exposure is about revenge. People come to THIS forum generally to save their marriage and we try to help them do it. Revenge exposure may very often do the trick but it's not what we recommend for a variety of reasons I won't get into here.

As you stated, Dr. Harley does indicate that telling the Affair Partners spouse is very important and, IMO, there is an absolute moral obligation to expose to such person regardless of whether the affair is over or not and no matter how long ago it ended. It's just the right thing to do. She or he deserves to know. The WS has an obligation to attempt to make amends to his other victim AND the BS shouldn't be asked or required to be a co-conspirator to the affair by maintaining such destructive secret. Exposure to the OM's or OW's spouse in NOT subject to POJA (IN MY OPINION)

If there was a breach in "no contact" (particularly if it was a mutual break in "no contact" by both affair partners and not just an attempt at contact your FWS forwarded to you) then sure...expose away because apparently the affair isn't REALLY over. It will depend on the facts and circumstances so please share such details and we'll try to coach anyone facing such situation through it.

I don't believe there is a never ending obligation to forewarn or expose indefinitely someone's past behavior. I don't think it's healthy for a BW, in a otherwise recovered marriage, to be sending emails to future boyfriends and family members of the OW. At some point you've got to place your trust in God...that He will dish out the consequences and actually pray for forgiveness and hope that the OP learned their lesson and have become decent persons. In other words...there is some point out there where exposure becomes just gossip. If you happen to KNOW the future girlfriend or boyfriend of the OP...you MAY be justified to expose depending on the situation. I'm not a big fan of letting predators off the hook for their behavior but at the same time...people do change. Again...facts and circumstances.

Mr. Wondering


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Originally Posted by sunnydaze53
I am still not clear about exposure after the A has ended...talking months/years after. Dr. Harely seems to state that exposure is a technique to break up the affair NOT to exact revenge after it has ended. I don't mean the OMW or OWH...of course they should be notified but what bout extended family future GF and BF's (if you know about them through some breach of NC)

I am somewhat certain I have heard or read Dr. Harley say that years after exposure should be done to affected parties because it is the right thing to do, but not to everyone who could put pressure on the affair, because that is no longer an issue.

I am definitely certain I have heard Dr. Harley say on the radio program that he originally recommended exposure to affected parties because telling the truth was the right thing to do; discovering that exposure put pressure on the affair and helped it to end sooner was originally sort of a side benefit. I believe he said from there and from the experiences of members of this forum he widened his recommendation to exposing in more circumstances to those who can put pressure on the affair. He definitely attributed some of the discoveries about exposure to this forum.

I wish I had an exact radio show date. Start at the beginning of this year and work your way forward. smile

"Affected parties" in my opinion would be the victims of the affair and anyone personally related: children, parents, wives or husbands of OPs, etc.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Now I've got a story about the consequences of FAILING to expose.


A now-former friend of my wife's mother was having an affair this past spring with a man that lived 500 miles away in Texas that she had gone to High School with years before. She and her husband have been married 42 years. I tried desperately to get him to post here on MB but he wouldn't listen. I tried desperately to get him to expose to the OM's family and to their own daughter and he wouldn't listen. INSTEAD, against specific and thorough advice...he "threatened" the OM with exposure to his children (we provided him with the names we researched on facebook). The "threat" was very real and OM went nuts. OM threatened lawsuits and actually did break it off with the guy's wife. HOWEVER...when OM broke it off...he told the man's wife that he'd not have anything to do with her again AS LONG AS SHE REMAINED MARRIED. So guess what happened? They are divorcing now. She never went through withdrawal and she's been firm in her belief that OM and her will be together eventually. She never truly attempted recovery. The BH tried to recover for so long that now HE is done with her. Even if she re-connects with OM and OM dumps her (which is what will inevitably happen because OM doesn't want to be exposed even post-divorce since he's a seeming religious man) the BH is done. By failing to expose he failed to put a nail in the affair coffin. The door back to OM remained slightly ajar to such an extent that his wife couldn't and wouldn't end it in her mind. Even though there has been "no contact" for months now...the marriage is still ending. 42 years down the drain in an otherwise easily recoverable marriage.

btw...they are finally going to be telling their 35 year old daughter next week at Thanksgiving. Far too late for their ADULT child to have any influence over her mother's choices as it's too late for Dad (Which I fear will end up with Dad becoming the bad guy in this to his daughter as well since mom and daughter are very close and they're likely to downplay the affair stuff in an effort to protect her).


EXPOSURE works for MANY MANY reasons.

Mr. W


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Originally Posted by MrWondering
Generally, the whole world doesn't have to know...but 1/2 efforts achieve 1/2 results. Miss a few of just the right persons and the exposure may just fail. Instincts, IMO, will have a BS erring on the side of underexposing the affair...so our goal should be to help them see that expanding their targeting system is USUALLY worth the effort.

Bingo. ITA.

A good example is my sister's (MovingForward) exposure. After exposing to the workplace, all close family and friends, MF's WH & OW were still in contact via texting. OW was indignant, telling my MF's WH to tell us she was going to file harassment charges on us for confronting her... Then my sister did the FB exposure to all their mutual friends and also anyone that looked like OW's family. That was the exposure "shock" OW needed to back off. That's what it took to end the A...

I wish more people took advantage of this, especially when the initial exposure efforts don't work.


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`When I use a word,' Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, `it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less.'

`The question is,' said Alice, `whether you can make words mean so many different things.'

`The question is,' said Humpty Dumpty, `which is to be master -- that's all.'



Perhaps nuclear comes from the fact I do a lot of work in nuclear engineering and subatomic physics. The word comes naturally to me.

I�m only posting to clear up one minor point -

Much later I exposed to almost everyone OM knew anyway. When he least expected it. When he thought he was in the clear and had gotten away with it. I kept on exposing in ever-widening circles (or perhaps ellipses) until he was forced out of his job, his married friends deserted him, his affairage wife filed for D and his children hate him. It took a couple of years but he eventually moved half way across the country to get away from this unrelenting nuclear exposure. To get away from his personal nuclear winter.

He knows I still keep track of him too. Prostitutes are pretty much all the intimacy he will get for the rest of his life. Or mine. Whichever ends first. And it only takes exposure.

Now, some people criticize me for such massive and unrelenting exposure. But hey, it keeps me occupied. I have the resources. A drop in the bucket. Like a hobby maybe. Might even prevent him from destroying another marriage (mine was not his first conquest). Am I not my brother�s keeper?

PS: Interesting, this. First time I visit MB for many weeks and I see my name all over the place. Can�t decide if that is good or bad.

PPS: IMO Dr H realized a very useful tool with exposure. Sometimes it�s tweezers and sometimes it�s a 20 pound sledge. And sometimes it�s a 50K ton WOMD. It�s even biblical, actually.


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WS: They are who they are.

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Originally Posted by Tawandabelle
I think there were several people under the impression that as soon as one finds out about an A one should immediately write it on everyone's FB wall, take out an ad, etc. That made me a little nervous because, like you said, we do live in a litigious society.

Writing it on everyone's facebook wall wouldn't work, though, because the BS has to be a "friend" of that person to post on his wall. Secondly, if you were friends with the OP and wrote it on her wall, chances are that her friends wouldn't see it anyway. I sure don't look at my friends and family members fb pages every day. A better strategy is to send personal messages to MOST, if not ALL, the OP's facebook friends. That way they are more inclined to see the message and to respond. We have had great response from messaging fb members like this and have 2-3 affairs on the board right now that were killed this way. It is very effective.

And sure we have a litigious society, but the truth is the defense in libel and slander cases. The greater risk to the BS is the affair.

I have never suggested that any BS take out an ad, because that does not seem very strategic. A more strategic way is to contact the exposure targets personally with a phone call or email. Steve Harley has been a little bolder in that he once told a BH to "picket the OM's place of business" [Leeno] and another to "do everything short of taking out a billboard." He seems to be a little more aggressive than the board in some instances. For me, I tend to stick fairly close to Dr Harley's advice: friends, family, children and [optional] workplace.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Here are some excerpts from Dr Harley's newsletter, When Should An Affair Be Exposed?
By Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.
10.28.09:


Quote
The issue of exposure comes up when a betrayed spouse has first learned about the affair. Should it be exposed to others, or kept secret? I generally recommend exposure. When should it be exposed? I usually recommend that it be exposed immediately. To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover�s spouse be informed. Exposure in the workplace depends on several factors.

Quote
What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lover�s spouse should be informed. Granted, it�s embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.

As you already know, I�m a strong advocate of honesty and openness in marriage. I call it transparency�letting your spouse know everything about you, especially your faults. But should that level of openness carry into the public arena? I believe that it should in cases of extreme irresponsibility, and that certainly includes infidelity. When you have done something very hurtful to someone else, others -- especially those who care for you the most -- should know about it. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense. Your closest friends and relatives will be keeping an eye on you�holding you accountable.

And Dr Harley makes an important point here that being angry about exposure is a sign of the FOG, and I would agree. A truly recovered WS would not be "angry" about the natural consequences of his scummy behavior:

Quote
Many betrayed spouses are afraid that exposure will drive the unfaithful spouse further away. While it�s true that unfaithful spouses usually feel betrayed and angry when their affair is exposed, I regard that reaction as being part of the fog that most addicts experience. When the fog has finally lifted, and the source of addiction no longer has control, the value of exposure is usually conceded by the addict himself.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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As far as the term "nuclear" goes, I chuckle to myself when I hear someone condemning "nuclear exposure" without ever defining "nuclear." grin It is a completely meaningless, subjective term. It is like people who call themselves "moderates;" a term so subjective that it is rendered meaningless. It has different meanings to different people.

My own definition of "nuclear" means to develop a list of targets, which will obviously be different in each and every case, and do a "nuclear exposure" on the same day. It might be to 50 people and it might be to 2 people, every case is different. The goal is to effect a MEANINGFUL, effective exposure strategically selecting friends, family, to "nuke" the affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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MrW, you did an awesome job researching the source and history of the word "nuclear!" thanks! hurray


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
MrW, you did an awesome job researching the source and history of the word "nuclear!" thanks! hurray

I agree! clap


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Mr. W,

You did an awesome job researching this. hurray

I gotta wonder though about the motives of those that would use the method of "nuclear exposure" advocated here as a strawman to discredit the advice given.

I mean what is the real evil here? The WS in an active A or the BS willing to do anything possible to stop the abuse? Really? That's the stance people take just because the term "nuclear exposure" isn't PC enough for them. Maybe people would be more comfortable if we changed it to "teddy bear exposure?"

Bottom line is that "EXPOSURE" is the greatest weapon a BS has in battling an A. It doesn't matter what adjective you put in front of the word to describe it so why hoist it up as some grand injustice?

Also, there is the very real possibility that discussing it in these terms may shake a WS that is lurking here enough to realize that this is a likely consequence of their poor choices.

So I would say if you don't want to find yourself on the receiving end of nuclear exposure, Don't have an AFFAIR!

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Mel, your posts make a lot of sense. The idea of being strategic and ever widening as needed. I also agree with both of Dr. Harley's points about why to expose: immediately to end the A and later as a part of making amends. These points make perfect sense, as they are tools to recover or build a M.

This thread has also been beneficial for me personally, as it has explained a few things that were confusing me a few weeks ago.

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This thread has got me thinking. My H's EA was never exposed to the OW's H. I didn't know anything about exposure back then. The EA has been over for years now, though there was some attempted C by the OW about a year and a half ago when she thought we could "all be friends" again. My H sent her another NC letter and we haven't heard from her since. As far as I know, her H still doesn't know what happened or why we all stopped speaking to each other. But I'm afraid that exposing to him now would open up a whole can of worms and lead to renewed attempts by the OW to establish C with my H again. On the one hand, I know her H has a right to know. But on the other hand, I want to protect my family from this OW attempting to enter our lives again.

As far as my A goes, both of our families know everything. The OM's ex-wife knows about the A, but not the OC. Their D was final long before OC was born, and long after the initial exposure of the A. OM made it very clear that he thought it was his decision when/if to tell his ex-wife and daughters about the OC. Since he agreed not to pursue custody/visitation and allow my H and I to raise the OC without interference, we decided to let it go. Exposing in a situation like this could cause all kinds of problems for both of our families, and they aren't even married anymore. In fact, I think he has since remarried, at least I know he was engaged right before we established NC.

I have no idea what my exposure responsibilities might be in these situations. I feel like my H and I have moved forward from all of this and exposure now would just bring it all back up again and cause more problems and more drama for everyone involved.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.

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