Harmony,
So sorry to hear the news about your Dad......just enjoy the time you have left with him.....
I'm glad you have changed the locks and he can't just come in whenever he wants...this is better........
Give yourself some time before you make any big decisions......you need to process the news of your Dad first............
I would wait until the new year Jan 1/11 and then start with your plan to see a lawyer and file for D.
Don't let this ruin the holiday season with your family.............
New Year, New Start...............
((hugs))

Thanks Guys

Just feel a bit numb, need to be even stronger now for Dad, although I don't feel it. I have never felt this numb.

Not sure how I feel about H now, angry and so abandoned.

Starting to wonder if I should leave another Plan B letter....

If you want to send another Plan B letter through your intermediary, do so.

You have no obligation to try your best to save the marriage. Your husband gave you a free pass out of the marriage when he started his affair, and you're welcome to use it any time you like. However, if you do want to give your marriage the best possible chance to recover, and give yourself the least self-doubt, follow Dr. Harley's plan to the letter. Most affairs die within two years once the affair partner is forced to meet all of the unfaithful spouse's emotional needs.

Hello Harmony,

Just some thoughts on your post. First, I will tell you that the "preferred" method of demise in my family is a sudden heart attack. It has its upside, but the downside is one doesn't have the time to say and do the things that one would like before the end comes. You have that opportunity, make the most of it and rejoice in it. Celebrate your Dad's life with him and I think you will make his passing easier on him and yourself. You have been blessed and you need to see that.

Ok, end of sermon. Let's get to you and your H. I like your father's advice. I understand that he is saying this because he doesn't want to leave untill you are settled. However, I also think his advice is well suited to your situation. You both are avoiding conflict and it is time for this to stop. YOu have been away from H long enough and you have done enough work to both see things more clearly and to have a better understanding of who you are and what you want/need out of a marriage and life. If you wait until there are no feelings left, then there is no need to see your H, just file. If there are feelings left, but you are emotionally more steady NOW IS THE TIME TO MEET WITH HIM. Meet someplace neutral and see what is going on, and then make a decision. Your Dad's advice offers you options now, later there won't be any options.

It is your call. I will close by saying that I am so sorry for the news you have received about your Dad. But, at the same time I am glad that you and he as well as the rest of your family have time to enjoy one another and say the things that need to be said.

You are Blessed.

JL

x2

I lost my dad last summer. I had been traveling a lot for work and wasn't able to see him much for the first part of the year. The best advice I have for you is to spend as much time as you possibly can with your dad. As JL said, celebrate his life with him.

Harmony, does your Dad have hospice care? If so you should talk to one of the counselors, they can help you with dealing with his passing.

When my wife was passing from Cancer also about a year and a half ago, I needed all the help I could get. She happened to be in a lot of pain also, so it was nessesary to have support.


If you ever want to post about it, feel free and I know how much I needed people who understood and have been through it around at that time. I don't think anyone cares if its not marriage related, its you related.

As far as plan B letter and WH issues, I think you should write a thought out and complete one and let us tailor it for you before you send it to him. If you are going to do this partly at Dads advice, I think it will bless him to see his daughter put it in words what she expects from her marriage, or future relationships. Think about it, it could be something that really gives him peace at this time. Let him see the letter too.

Then of course, give it to WH and stand by it wholly like its your own personal declaration of independance.

If you are going to D, still give him the letter, so you can be sure inside that you did all to save the marriage. If you don't you might second guess yourself later, and cause yourself more heartache and confusion.

I know you want to be fair, and that is all you can do for him. lay down the conditions and give him a chance to recover. Your Dad will like it too.

Im ussually like that too. When my Gram died my parents both cried on my shoulder at the gravesite, at the same time. I had to go for a walk and cry later by myself.

I am not sure why that is. Seems like at times of crisis I keep it together, and break down later. I think its survival instinct, adrenaline, and conditioning, but I don't like it cuz it has PTSD and/or 'Past conditional response" written all over it. But yes, it makes you feel numb, and sometimes strange too, like there is something wrong with you. Don't worry there isn't.

(((((Harmony))))

Losing your Dad is gonna be tough. It hurts for a long time. Spend this time letting your Dad know how much he means to you and thank God for the opportunity to do just that.

Hey Harmony -- wanted to let you know I am still watching and rooting for you.

I ordered the Cloud & Townsend Boundaries work book to do over the holiday here. My H doesn't want me to read or do any sort of self help stuff --(yea, yea, I know I shouldn't be doing it if he doesn't approve -- NOW I know why I have such a big closet! Sometimes I can disappear in there for 30 minutes without him noticing).

I think it might be helpful though and will post you my thoughts.

Harmony, do me a favor. Don't ever be me. I say the same thing to my D21 and have for years. Don't ever be in a relationship again where you have to hide everything, including the fact that you want a better relationship. You can't know how sick it gets until you are hiding in a closet reading books about M because you know your H will totally blast off in ways that might hurt your children -- not you because you no longer care about you -- but your children, if he finds what you are reading. That sort of fear -- it's horrible beyond what you can imagine.

This may not be MB -- but walk firmly and quickly away from your H. In time, you will hit your knees every night giving thanks to God for the strength you found to do that.

Hi All

Thanks for your messages of support.

JL

Yes agree my dad has given me some sound advice, however some further events has happened with H.

I went out last night and he came back to the house to get some stuff. I hadn�t blocked his number on my work mobile as he never used this and he called me and I answered. I spoke to him, and he was annoyed that he could not get in the house. I explained to him that I put a bolt on the door for extra security. He said he would have to come back to the house in the morning. He then went very quiet on the phone and sounded like he was getting upset and I ended the conversation. He then sent me a message saying;

�I�ve had a thought do we have a spare key for the back door and then it won�t be a problem for me to get in. P.S that�s a good idea about the bolt if your worried about people breaking in.�

He turned up at the house this morning whilst I was getting ready for work. I kept it light and asked him how we was doing, he said OK, then he said well not really OK at all, pretty bad actually. I said I am sorry to hear that, he then started crying and got very upset. He seemed very agitated and angry, and I was very calm.

Some of the things he said;

He could not believe that I had not contacted him on his birthday
That he had been sleeping in his car or at his parents
That I had been bad mouthing him to family and friends and saying what a terrible H he had been
That I didn�t have to worry about the money I had lent him he would give it to me in a couple of weeks.
That it is eating him up, me being in the house and we should just get it on the market and the D sorted out
That house prices have dropped dramatically and if we haven�t sold it in 4 months then we should rent it out
That we could have sold our house and bought a house together on the seafront if we were together
That his way of dealing with the A was with OW and that he destroyed things even more

I then thought here we go again, and started to walk away, he told me not to walk away and to stay and talk.

I tried to reason with him and explain my reasons behind the no contact and that I had not bad mouthed him and my family would support me in whatever decision I made and would welcome him back. I explained that the locks on the inside door were also were there to protect me from him, as he had come to the house drunk and intimidated me, he then said when was that? That was weird he couldn�t even remember.

He then went onto say, you just don�t get it Harmony, you slept with someone else 15 months after we got married and were in love with him. I just can�t get over it, and I have tried.

I tried to explain that I was not in love with OM, it was an addiction and I have no time for this other man and he took advantage of me and I let him and I should have communicated with you. Then H added, yeah but I am so scary (Sarcastic).

At some point during this, I told him the news I had about my Dad, he looked very upset then and said I am sorry to hear this. He then said I will leave you alone to get on with things.

Then he took a key for the back door, I wasn�t about to get into a fight with him over this so I just let him take it. He then made some polite conversation and asked me how my job was going? Then told me all about what he was upto learning to snowboard, and that he might take Dec off (he wanted me to ask what he was doing but I didn�t), and that he would probably go snowboarding 3 times. I then told him I had booked to go away in Jan and he said sarcasticly in a group, or just 4 of you? I ignored this and said Bye.

I am not sure where this leaves me, heartbroken I suppose. I so desparately wanted it to work and I guess this is a good as sign as any that he does not want the M.

This has left me very confused. He seems very angry, does not seem to want the M, and wants me to feel guilty but at the same time continues to contact me and does not want me to be with anyone else. I think he also does not want to accept any blame for this situation and that he justifies all his actions by my A. He does not seem to have �grown� at all in the 6 weeks he has been gone.

I just want to shake him and pull him out of this fog.

Can someone explain what is going on?

Oh and he seemed very bothered about people thinking he was a bad H and that I told people that he had hit me and treated me poorly. I guess in moments of anger I have vented to people, but overall I have been telling friends and family how much I love him and that this is not the H I knew and love this is him being hurt and confused.

I am so in conflict, part of me wants to fight for him, part of me wants to let go....

I believe we both bought our own issues into this M, I have spent so much time trying to learn, grow and change into a better person.

I want to send him a message saying,

" I am so completely in love with you, I think your wonderful".

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hi Harmony,

I'm sorry to hear about your father. This must be really hard.


It is all about him and the money. He doesn't really care about you and he certainly doesn't have a clue what he is doing.

You don't have the willpower to go absolutely dark on him, do you? You block his number on one phone, but you don't block on another. You change locks, and he has still the opportunity to get in. He KNOWS the loopholes in your plan and that way your plan B is really pointless. You seem to be a serious woman, but your H has this incredible power over you and make you look very unserious about your decisions.

He has not ended his affair, he has not ended any contact, not agreed to the plan of recovery. This is the aim of real plan B.

For the time remaining until you said you will decide your further actions, is it possible for you to rent a small place and seal the house? And go really dark on him? Or do you think that your plan B is already over and pointless anyway, it doesn't matter you will decide to divorce him anyway?

Hi Niitse

He doesn't have a clue what he is doing, the reason I broke the Plan B contact was because of the situation with my Dad. I would have stayed in Plan B until the New Year, then filed.

I am going to suggest we meet in mutual territory but ask him that we don't discuss any marriage issues. Then I will let him know where I am that either we commit to rebuilding the M, or we move ahead and bring things to a close, end the M and sell the house.

I know what his response will be. He is so full of anger and hate he is all over the place.

Harmony.

Hey Harmony!

Very sorry to hear about your father. Thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

Also, sorry to hear that you broke your Plan B. It's obvious that it has put you into a tailspin again. That's exactly why you have to remain dark.

Your WH hasn't changed at all. He has so much work to do and he hasn't even begun. My assessment of him is that he will never be willing to do the true soul-searching type work on himself to make the changes that are needed for him to become a good husband and partner. He is very broken and he still chooses to blame that on what you did to him. He is a victim. He is full of justifications. This is a very bad place for him to be mentally.

How much time do you want to wait? I see a meeting with him as pointless and you are only setting yourself up for more heartbreak. Why would you want to do that to yourself? C'mon Harmony. It's time to summon your inner strength and move on. There is a good life for you out there just waiting to be started if you have the courage to chase after it. Remember, that bio clock is still ticking. If that is the impetus that you need to get your butt in gear then listen to it.

Thank you Mindshare.


I know, I am very disappointed, he does not seem to have learnt anything at all. He believes his behaviour is justified because of the hurt I inflicted on him. He just seems to be even more angrier than before he left, very angry about not being able to get into the house, the fact I have not contacted him and having paranoid thoughts about me with OM.



Time to let go, sometimes I wonder how I will be able to deal with that losing my H and my father possibly in the same year, writing that makes me cry. I know I will do, I have learnt to. Another meeting won't be much different than how it was this morning and I have grown up so much I have left him even further behind.

I feel sorry for him if I a honest, he is in so much inner turmoil and conflict and want to help him be a better person. I just don't get where he is coming from at all.

Harmony.

Do you not see that this is causing you to remain 'stuck'? This is one of the dynamics in abusive relationships. You cannot fix him and you should not feel sorry for him. You need to think about Harmony at this point. You need to make decisions based on what is best for you. Put Harmony first.

I hope you understand that plan B is to protect you. He got what he wanted (your attention), and now he will go home and schtoop the other woman.

You are an emotional mess, he took what he wated, (key = access and your attention.. and watching you pine for him... ego ego ego)
He gave you nothing of real value in return. As long as he is sctooping the OW, he never will. i hate to see you back at square one.

You do not understand, he is HAPPY that you had the meeting-- you seem miserable. He likes that. He is sick. anyone who enjoys inflicting this kind of pain is sick.

I am sorry, I am not good at 2 x 4's... I hope I made sense to you.

Long talks with your WH is not in any plan B.

Hi Barbie

I agree with you are saying that he is sick and that it was about his ego and having access to the house.

I need to know what is happeningnow, I can't sit around in PLan B for an amount of time.

I am confused and have some thinking to do, shall I stay in Plan B, if so for how long, or do I file for D...

H

There is ABSOLUTELY NO POINT in having any contact with your WH.

All the excuses for it are in your head.

The house issues = Lawyer.
Future divorce plans = Ditto.
Your dad (so sorry btw) = yours to contend with.
The keys = change the back lock, again.

Face it. You have absolutely not ONE reason to see him. Except you get the "pleasure" of viewing him. As you have so elequently pointed out ... this never has resulted in anything GOOD for you.

--- Everything else is hyperbolie.
He does not even remember having sex with you? How degrading. (you know this is a lie... he said it to twist thet knife) You need to do some IC to address why this person has such control over you.