I'm glad you posted this. It's important that HT hear this from someone who has been there. I can only offer anecdotal evidence to support keeping everything he can.

HT, you can always give it up (money, house, support, etc.) if the court says you have to. It's hard to get it back if the court doesn't say you have to give it up.

helpthelostdads:
I hear you and can only applaud why you try and keep Dad's in my situation from going overboard. I have also (in 1990) unfortunately been through this before. We all have our own brand of standards. WW # 1 (i.e. 1990 divorce) was a millionairess and did not need it. I shouldn't have given it to her. Where were you then? (just kidding)
WW # 2 grew up in abject poverty and has worked like a dog to become a Registered Nurse even though we do not need her income. The situations are not comparable. WW #1 was a terrible mother and WW# 2 would be a world class mother if she had not crossed the line into Wayward World. Bottom line...
WW# 2 deserves a clean start. So do I. If I screw her to the walls on property, etc. it just means that the next man in her life will arrive sooner - and she will have lots less options in terms of whom she chooses and that impacts my eleven year old one heck of a lot more than if I can afford a five bedroom colonial or a two bedroom condo. But the real reason I choose to take this approach is that it is not vindictive. In my current marriage I have a history of verbal abuse and control and because of that (and nearly a full year of committed heartfelt change in my behavior), I cannot act controlling and threatening if I wanted to. I see both sides of what happened. In my case if you were to read backward in my infrequent posts you would see that I have basically lost my sanity attempting to repair marriage and WW will not accept responsibility or acknowledge an A that I have proof of - and its probably over.
Please, understand I appreciate your strong heartfelt advice. But - the only consequence I wish there to be is the absence of me from her life.... I am betting my marriage (and maybe my happiness) that she just might figure out that I am worth it now that angry outbursts are a thing of the past.

So I will try an finish one more time... I really don't want to talk finances. I am struggling with staying at Plan B since I have just started. Any reading, support, ideas etc. would be appreciated.
Thank you sincerely,
Hurting Turkey
ME: BS age 56 male
?WW: age 49
Ours: age 11
Hers: ages 22 & 17
Mine: ages 22, 27 & 30
Original DD: April 26, 2009
2nd DD: February 1, 2010
Exposed: 2/19/10
Nearly lost sanity after nearly a year in Plan A
Looking for the Strength to continue Plan B

Well, good luck then. I see it as rewarding bad behavior.

You see it differently, but as the betrayed, you are the one that makes the call.

I honestly don't know what I'd do if I was cheated on again. I very much doubt I would be very forgiving and would fight tooth and nail to get full custody of any future kids.

I hate to sound cliche, but time, as you already know from the first go around, is the best healer.

I also recommend going to a group called Divorce Care. They are a great source of support.

All I see you teaching your children is

"It's ok if your wife have another boyfriend and it's ok to support her financially and take 60% of what you make so she can live a life with her new b/f"

Is that what you want to teach your children?

Wow that some great teaching!

HTLD and SR. No where is it written in MB@,s that I should be vindictive. I net after taxes 15 every two weeks. No matter what I do my state law wilforce or require 50 percent of my net. I can rebuild. I want my son to have his home and his friends. He should NEVER know financial details. IMHO there is no room for anger now. That is what I will teach him and I pitypity any child who is dragged into that.
I am in plan B to save my marriage. That is what my son will be taught. I I am in Plan B to try and do that.
Now Stop hijacking my request for plan B support as finances are not an issue. I think I can live on 200 K a year after tax income.... I am asking for Plan B support not budget advice. I cannot have custody when I work 90 hours a week.
Plan B support anyone?
Hurting Turkey

HT, I don't think anyone is asking you to be vindictive. These posts to you are made out of concern for your future well-being, some by people who have been where you are and are sadder and wiser.

I don't think anyone is giving you budget advice. We're just asking you to be financially aware. It sounds like you've made your decision calmly and rationally after looking at all sides. That's fine.

On with Plan B.

HT,

I have never given you advice, but I've been reading your thread. In my opinion as a FWW, the purpose of Plan B is to make the WS feel how is going to be like when his/her other half is not in the picture. Most of them (WS) go ahead and live with their affair partners, and sooner than later realize that it was just a fantasy. In your case you make a lot of money, and she will miss that. You need to understand that any reason to try to come back and work for an M is good. A WS is not in love with you at the moment, that's why if you make it too easy for her, she'll keep being a WS. On the other hand, if you break her fantasy world, she'll be able to get out of it, and Might want ti work on the M!!!!

Trust me, if my BS ask me for D now(which is still a very strong possibility), even if I'm left with all of it, I'll fight for him. But before, on Wayward mindset, I would have happily taken the money and said goodbye forever. That's a cruel reality, but the truth.

That's why, Plan B doesn't work the way that YOU want to do it! On the other hand, if you are done with your M, by all means, give her whatever you have too, and move on. It's your decision.

Just don't make it easy, remember she is still a WS, not your sweet W! Please, help her come to her senses...

Great post, Rizos!

HT, no one wants you to screw your wife over, but by the same token, we don't want to see YOU screwed over legally! Folks are worried about you. This is why I suggested contacting a lawyer to get a financial agreement in place. A good Plan B should show the WS what her life will be like without you in the picture. She needs to get that wake up call.

She wants all the benefits of marriage but wants to contribute nothing. She needs a wake up call!! That is in her best interest and your sons. Her destructive behavior is not good for your son, HT, so anything you can do to wake her up will benefit you all. But continuing to support her in her destructive marriage wrecking behavior is not helpful to her, your son or you!

Did you send her a Plan B letter and designate an intermediary?

How are you doing??

Good luck in plan B I have nothing else to say

There is a big difference between taking caring of one's kids after a D and not finacing an affair and making the WW face the consequences of being a WW.

Your method teaches a child that outside of dumping a spouse that is no longer wanted a divorce will never impact the WS financially.

So go and teach the lesson that divirces are win win situation. Dump the spouse that became a third wheel and the cash still comes in.

changed my mind.

I need to ask you something...

You said you have divorced before right?

Did you also give everything you had to that wife?

That is probably why your wife now knows that you will give up everything if she divorces you.

Is that what your going to do with every divorce?

Because in that case you might as well not remarry because EVERY wife you marry will do EXACTLY the same thing.

Again good luck on plan B

HT,

It has nothing to do with being vindictive. It has everything to do with consequences. Being vindictive would mean going after her and her funds and doing things to throw her on her butt.

Consequences involves removing your contribution to her upkeep. You are, for all intents and purposes, funding her lifestyle and affair. Therefore, Plan B is more likely to fail. There is no financial strain on OM since you�re funding her. They can carry on their affair on your money while new guy tries to take your place as father of your kid.

I know enough that an 11 year old isn�t going to replace you in his heart. But that doesn�t mean the wayward isn�t going to try to ram OM down DS�s throat.

You want Plan B to work? Quit funding her.

Okay, its getting frustrating here for me and I am about to just give up looking for support here. THE support I have asked for is not to tell me how to handle a divorce settlement. I am willing to take on the added risk of Plan B failing because I haven't cut off the money. I need my WW to decide that I am worth it or that I am not.

I understand your point SR. What I want you to understand is that I will do ANYTHING to avoid controlling my WW. If you haven't experienced a controlling personality you would not know why. I sign paychecks for just under 3,800 people in my professional life. Unfortunately the same skills that let me run an organization were used by me to control my WW long before she was WW. At this point, my plan B is simply to allow her to make a choice. I will not and do not want that choice made because of economic consequences. How controlling to use my earning power to control my WW who has none. I can't do that because I have utilized control at home as a crutch for stress at work etc. for years. I can accept her going to divorce. I could be at home like nothing was happening and living like roomates. I don't want that. Doing that was killing me. The decision I want is either I am worth it (without money in the equation).Yes I did give WW#1 everything and more. Yes WW#2 knows that. Yes WW#1 is loaded and could buy and sell me and that was dumb. The only thing WW#1 was good for was teaching me how to be controlling and unfortunate thing I didn't realize I had learned.
Unless you earn and income like I do you don't know how it feels to wonder if people are your friends or if your family loves you or if they just fake it for the money? You would be surprised how awful that feels. Believe me, I envy the housekeepers I see from my office window who often have a waiting spouse in an old junky car standing to hug them and give them a kiss and a ride home.... Anyone who thinks money is a blessing has never lived with it. Two decades ago I could take the time to coach my kids in little league - then success struck and the demands etc...
So yes in my case I must have money out of the equation. I would rather be dead than have her stay because of that. For me, its either I am worth it or I am not.
I fully understand that not leveraging financially weakens my chances.
Now ideas for making Plan B easier beside "debating you 2(LOL)? Can we agree I heard you both on finances?
That horse is dead.

HurtingTurkey

What exactly are you looking for, then?

If you wish to make Plan B easier, then get support. Join a group like Divorce Care. Start living again. The only real option is to write her off as a loss and make the conscious choice to move on with your life. Get a good IC, that helped me tremendously.

Don�t date.

Make some guy friends. Remodel your house. Start working out like crazy and get into great shape.

Don�t know what else to tell you.

Going from one extreme to the other is not going to help here. Maybe you need to find a healthy place in between.

Let me give you some female perspective here: You are entirely missing the fact that when you passively go on allowing your WW to date and sleep with another man, and *keep providing the money so she can do that*, you are sending her the very very very clear message that:

You Do Not Care If She Dates And Sleeps With Another Man.

Yeah, yeah, you can SAY that yes you DO care. But to your *WW*, that is NOT what your actions say.

You say you want her to choose you over OM of her own free will. But you are failing to realize that no woman on this planet, wayward or not, will EVER choose any man who simply sits passively and says, "Do whatever you want" when another man is putting the moves on her.

Fight for her, man! If you want her, you will have to fight for her. That isn't "controlling". That is showing her that you DO give a damn about the fact that she's with another man.

Words mean nothing in this case. Actions are everything. Try some.

HT,


That's the problem! What YOU NEED is your FWW to decide if You are worth it or NOT!!!!!! GOT IT?

You have to treat your WW like a mental case right now. You need to make decisions for her. She is not on her right mind.

I remember getting very upset when my husband cut my FB access! He did ask nicely in advance, but of course as a WW I could care less. Now, I'm happy he did. I'm happy he made the right and painful decisions to get me out of the fog. I'm a better person now, thanks to those hard decisions that he made for me.

You can not trust her feelings. She could say she loves you, but obviously that's not true either. She fall out of love, you need to win her back, if you want too.

But it will only work when she gets out of the FOG. That's why I said, that right now, making her feel less comfortable, will help her start to get out of the Fog.

Plan B won't work the way you want to do it. I can tell you now, you don't even have to wait for her answer: For her, right now, YOU are not worth it. Keep in mind, that's WW mindset. Please, do not use excuses, if you want to help your WW get out of the Fog, follow Plan B the right way.

If after she gets out of the fog, and you both have tried MB, if it still doesn't work for you, then go ahead and give her whatever you want. But right now, you are just setting yourself up for failure. Don't expect to get her back the way you are trying to do it. It just won't work.

And, please keep in mind, the fact that you were controlling is not what made her become a WW. That was her choice! You do need to learn to avoid love busters, and need to learn to meet her needs in order to have a great marriage in a future, but she is the one who decided to have an affair (her fault).

I hope you understand what we are trying to say here.

I believe the same thing. But HT has signed on to another philosophy that he has made clear is the one he's going to sink or swim with. It is telling that he's been down a road once before, did the same thing, lost the spouse, and is planning to go down the same road once again. You can lead a horse to water...

In any event, HT, you've heard from the best. You've heard from FWWs who have told you that you are making a mistake if you're trying to save your M. You've heard from men and/or BS's saying the same thing. I wish you luck, because I think this is faulty logic on your part. But again - you don't want to talk finances. Just Plan B support.

These words are right on the MONEY