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My husband and I were best friends for two years, dated for two years and have been married for two years. We have a son who is three and a daughter a little over a year. My husband is active duty military just shy of two years.

Two months ago I left our first duty station to come stay with family so we could collect extra money due to allowences. Six days later my husband calls me to tell me he does not want the kids and I to follow him to the new duty station and that he want's a divorce, he had thought long enough, he no longer saw me as the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, he no longer loved me and he wanted a divorce.

During the next two months I still tried to talk to my husband about where things were going wrong in our marriage and how we could still fix them. Still no change. His last 4 days before he went to his new duty station he came to see the kids to spend some time with them and to tell them bye. During these four days I found out he slept with someone four days after he told me he wanted a divorce and that he was now in a relationship with this person who he says he is in love with.

My husband has since been gone for three weeks overseas. During these three weeks we have had a few conversations regarding our problems with our marriage only to have my husband say he doesn't feel as our marriage has a chance. Because of my actions of contacting his superiors he was placed on a no contact with the girl. During this time of no contact he found out she was already seeing someone else and didn't care for him. Now three days after no contact order he has called me to tell me that he misses the kids and I and wants me to go overseas so we can try to fix our marriage but he feels he did not have an affair because he had already told me that he didn�t want to be with me. He says the other woman had nothing to do with the problems we were having in our marriage she came after his decision to not be with me. I feel others wise.

I still believe we can fix our marriage but I feel like the only reason he wants to try to work things out is because he can no longer communicate with her and because she basically ended it with him. I feel like I am the fall back. I know my husband and I can not fix our marriage if we are thousands of miles apart but I don't know if it is a good idea to take the kids and myself over seas so soon if it is for someone who may not be ready for all that it takes to rebuild what has been torn apart and for someone who I feel is in denial over an affair.
Any thoughts?

Last edited by Izzyrod4; 11/17/10 04:22 PM.

BW(Me)
M:2yr together 6yr
DDAY- 09/24/10 WH asked for seperation
DDAY- 10/25/10 found out EA
DDAY- 10/26/10 found out it was PA
"We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we can not"
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My husband once left me for another woman. He said these words as he walked out the door:

"I don't love you, I never did love you, and I never will love you."


Just a day later he was with another woman. Only that OW didn't love him, never did love him, and never would love him. He came home, saying much the same garbage your husband is saying.


He ultimately admitted she had everything to do with his leaving.


Go be with him. Work the Marriage Builders program, and get the book "Surviving an Affair". Your husband used a separation as an excuse to mess around - which is not a DIVORCE, and you were not legally separated. You know it, and he knows it. He also knows that the emotional part of the affair began BEFORE he said anything to you about separating.

You will get there, you will get to that truth. It will take him awhile to understand what happened.

I would not go, however, until he agreed to counseling with the Harleys. He needs to understand his ownership of what happened, and the two of you need to have a plan to fix this relationship.

Call the Harleys.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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Ditto everything SB suggested. Can the kids stay with your family for a bit while you go?


Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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I really want to go I just can't keep all the doubts out of my head. I guess it will take time and actually seeing things coming together such as our visas and stuff getting done to really let me see that he wants us to go. Is it normal to be paranoid? I start having doubts if he doesn't pick up when I call or if he tells me he'll have to call me back.

I wouldn't be able to leave the kids. Everyone they are familiar with works and has multiple kids of there own. I wouldn't want to leave them here that long anyways. We'll be overseas it won't be like we can drive to come pick them up.


BW(Me)
M:2yr together 6yr
DDAY- 09/24/10 WH asked for seperation
DDAY- 10/25/10 found out EA
DDAY- 10/26/10 found out it was PA
"We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we can not"
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Some questions before I can help you:

1. What branch of service is your husband in?

2. Where is he overseas?

3. Is he on a no dependents tour or can he get command sponsorship for you and your family to join him overseas?

Please answer these questions and we can go from there.


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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He is in the Air Force stationed in England. The tour was with dependents but he changed it to unacompanied when he got there. He must change his status and a few other things to see if the Air Force will still pay for our visas and flights. If not we must pay out of pocket.



BW(Me)
M:2yr together 6yr
DDAY- 09/24/10 WH asked for seperation
DDAY- 10/25/10 found out EA
DDAY- 10/26/10 found out it was PA
"We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we can not"
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Changing back to a with dependents tour shouldn't be that much of a hassle, especially since it would probably be cheaper for the service than paying the separation allowance.

You DO want to save your marriage, right? The only way you're going to be able to do that is to be with your husband as a family. Talk to your husband about getting the tour changed and getting the travel arranged. I can't really advise you about the logistics of the move because I don't know if you've moved all of your household goods to another location than your old dty station, have a car, etc, etc. But I would think you can work this out, me being the eternal optimist.

In the meantime, please start reading all of the materials on this site, and perhaps get the books online. When you get to his duty station, the two of you can contact the base Behavioral Health Services and arrange for counseling, you can alert the provider that you'd like to follow the MB program, I think you will find that they are pretty accomodating given all of the emphasis on the mental health of the troops both deployed and at bases overseas. Trust me, there's no stigma involved and no consequence to his career. If things DON'T work out, you will not be left high and dry, you could always request an early return of dependents, and you would basically be in the same situation you are in now. But at least you will have done everything you could to save your marriage.

You haven't given much information about your relationship with your husband other than it's only been two years since you've been married and you have two very young children, and I assume that your husband joined the military shortly after your marriage, and you are perhaps very young adults? Given your marital situation, getting used to the military lifestyle (so much more than just a job)combined with an overseas move is a lot of change in a very short time. You need to turn toward each other for help instead of away from each other, especially for your children. This program will help you very much and there are a lot of caring people here. And some of us are vets or active duty military so we will understand more than you may think.


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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I do want to save our marriage that is why I am going to go no matter if the military will pay or not. Where just waiting for the paper work so we know our next moves. When I say I have doubts I'm talking about if he will follow through with wanting us to go. While preparing for our new duty station overseas my husband sat on a lot of the things madatory for us to go. I thought he was being his usual procrastinating self but it turned out he was being hesitant with us going. It's only been Monday night that he called to tell me he wants to work things out so I know it takes time to get things done I'm just really nervous that he may change his mind.

Our belongings are already there. The week I left our last duty station was the same week our belongings were packed and shipped. Thankfully my husband is a procrastinator this time because he never had our things shipped back. I will be selling both of our cars here in the states and we will buy a new/used car off the lemon lot there.

I have already read the materials on the site from front to back and gone through all the portals. I wish I found this site before things had gotten as far as they have. I plan to buy a book or two from here but waiting for payday. I've already got the numbers for family rediness and I guess I will get with Behavioral Health Services too (didn't know about them). Hopefully things will work out but I know about DER as well. Lets just hope it doesn't come to that. I'm quite the optimist as well. smile

After reading much of the information on this site my husband and I are text book. Yes we are a young couple. He's 22 and I am 23. A lot of our problems started comeing when we had our son. Neither of us new how to deal with the issues that come with a marriage even though we weren't actually married we were living together and raising our son. Toward the two year mark we started to get on track with our relationship learning to communicate and work together like we needed to. He has wanted to join the military all his life and since we were doing very well we decided we were ready to get married and be strong enough for the military life. I got pregnant with our daughter on our honeymoon and my husband was sent off for bootcamp a month and a half later. By the time he graduated from basic and bootcamp I had one month left in my pregnancy. We were still doing good when I arrived at the new duty station. When my daughter was born we started going down the same path we had before.

This was our first duty station so we didn't know anyone or how things worked. We started going out sepratley because someone had to stay home with the kids. It was mostly him going to friends houses to drink or play poker. It was hard for me to get out of the house with the kids given my daughter was so young and it felt easier if I just stayed at home instead of taking her out. We would argue because I was tired of staying in the house all day and I didn't have many friends while I was there. I was only at the duty station for about a year. My husband is the chatty type so he can make friends with a tree. I'm more layed back watch people and people have to talk to me for a conversation. He didn't understand that about me. Alot of the problems is I was not very happy where we were. I felt alone there and then on top of that I was struggling with self esteem issues after having the baby. It didn't make it any better that he works in dental with tons of young single women who don't care if you are married or not. We would fight a lot about that as well. Our main problems are lack of communication and not connecting emotionally/mentally.

Last edited by Izzyrod4; 11/19/10 12:48 AM.

BW(Me)
M:2yr together 6yr
DDAY- 09/24/10 WH asked for seperation
DDAY- 10/25/10 found out EA
DDAY- 10/26/10 found out it was PA
"We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we can not"
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Ok, now I understand more. Somewhat difficult to conduct a Plan A long distance but I think that is what you should start to do. In the meantime, I would not only think about the counseling at BH that I mentioned before, but also some parenting classes. I don't know what the AF would call it, but on any Army base is something called ACS or Army Community Services, and they conduct classes for new or young parents which are usually pretty good, and you get to meet some new people that are in much the same situation you are, young, married to a service member and overseas far away from friends and family. Do you know about the military one source website? If not, google it, and look at the many resources for you there.

Quote
This was our first duty station so we didn't know anyone or how things worked. We started going out sepratley because someone had to stay home with the kids. It was mostly him going to friends houses to drink or play poker. It was hard for me to get out of the house with the kids given my daughter was so young and it felt easier if I just stayed at home instead of taking her out. We would argue because I was tired of staying in the house all day and I didn't have many friends while I was there. I was only at the duty station for about a year. My husband is the chatty type so he can make friends with a tree. I'm more layed back watch people and people have to talk to me for a conversation. He didn't understand that about me. Alot of the problems is I was not very happy where we were. I felt alone there and then on top of that I was struggling with self esteem issues after having the baby. It didn't make it any better that he works in dental with tons of young single women who don't care if you are married or not. We would fight a lot about that as well. Our main problems are lack of communication and not connecting emotionally/mentally.

Well, Izzy, you have come to the right place, as you have seen in what you have read on this site. Very important to get your 15 hours together on a consistent basis. While you're overseas you can take advantage of the readily available childcare for when you need one on one time and also the family activities that are available that you can do together with your kids. Continue through with the Marriage Builders program, it's not just for fixing immediate problems and then dropping it, it's a good way to maintain your marriage if you follow the tenets or main points.


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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I haven't been able to talk to my husband for the past two days. I have talked to him breifly for maybe a total of 5 minutes. The conversations were about his debit card not working and then a password for my itunes account. I called him twice today and he did not pick up but then he called me for the itunes password. I tried to talk to him but he said he would call me back later. I asked him if he was okay because he sounded funny and he said yes he was just trying to read something while talking to me. I think he has had contact with the girl. Our last long conversation we had he told me she emailed him at work from the military portal but he read and then deleted it. I asked him what it said and he told me it was of no importance. He had also told me he had a missed phone call and thought it was me but I told him I hadnt called him. His phone does not show the incoming number when being called from the states. The only person who has his number from the states is me and the other girl. Again I think he has spoken to her wether it was inocent (didn't know it was her calling and he picked up) or not I think it has him rethinking us going to meet him. I hope I'm over thinking things but my gut says otherwise. Every time I don't listen to my gut I get screwed. I don't know what to do. I can't make him pick of the phone and I can't make him have a conversation with me. Even if we do have a coversation I can't tell if he's lying since its over the phone. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm going to lose it. Our last conversation we had I told him how I felt like I was waiting for him to change his mind about us and he assured me that nothing would change his mind about us going but again I'm scared he has talked to her and now he is rethinking things.

Last edited by Izzyrod4; 11/20/10 07:57 PM.

BW(Me)
M:2yr together 6yr
DDAY- 09/24/10 WH asked for seperation
DDAY- 10/25/10 found out EA
DDAY- 10/26/10 found out it was PA
"We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we can not"
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Also if I have the other girls number is it okay to contact her and tell her to stop making contact?


BW(Me)
M:2yr together 6yr
DDAY- 09/24/10 WH asked for seperation
DDAY- 10/25/10 found out EA
DDAY- 10/26/10 found out it was PA
"We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we can not"
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Talking to the OW may be a complete waste of time. She will deny EVERYTHING because she will feel like she is protecting your WH.

You need to do what SB suggested. You need to Plan A from afar.

Have you read smileygirl's thread? Her WH is deployed.

The affair is still ALIVE and KICKING.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Sorry but I already made contact with the girl. I told the girl to stop contacting my husband. She told me she hasn't. I told her I know she sent him an email and she told me he emailed her. I'm sure something is going on. I hate this girl!!! I don't know who is lying. I'm know some form of contact has been made but I have no clue who initiated it. I remember when my parents went through this (less then six months ago) the other woman would constantly try to stay in contact with my dad and would call my mother. I have no idea what to do. What is Plan A? I ordered the book for surviving an affair but am waiting for it to get here.


BW(Me)
M:2yr together 6yr
DDAY- 09/24/10 WH asked for seperation
DDAY- 10/25/10 found out EA
DDAY- 10/26/10 found out it was PA
"We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we can not"
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This is from the thread Mysaga.

Posted by Pepperband

Originally Posted by Pepperband
An outline of MY interpretation of Plan A.
READ the source, buy Harley's book.
Until you've read the book, try to understand/impliment the carrot/stick of Plan A in the following post.


Originally Posted by Pepperband
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

And there is more ....


Quote
Plan A is NOT a decision you and your adulterous spouse make together !!!

Plan A is a tool for the betrayed spouse to implement in order to try and stop the affair ~and~ attract the adulterous spouse BACK to the marriage

do NOT discuss this tool with the adulterous spouse

Plan A is YOUR weapon against infidelity !!! The adulterous spouse is ~for~ infidelity, not against it .... be careful NOT to reveal your secret weapon of Plan A !!!

and more ....


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Stop lovebusting behaviors.

from the site:

Quote:



Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty






I think it is impossible to completely stop ALL ~LB~ behaviors during the initial SHOCK of discovering your spouse is/was unfaithful

having said that

if the affair continues

once you start Plan A ... YOU must be in control of your emotional outbursts

ASK the board for HELP to do this

and some more ....


Quote
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.


time to take your OWN inventory

compile a list of things you historically contribute to the marriage that make the marriage work .... and do MORE of this

don't make announcements about what you are going to do ... just take action

DEMONSTRATE what an awesome spouse/contrubutor to the marriage YOU are

.... continuing Plan A ....


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Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

re-visit the emotional needs questionairre on this site

if your spouse is ACTIVELY continuing their affair after discovery ... try to get the information about his/her emotional needs indirectly

take the questionairre answering ~as if~ you were your adulterous spouse

then take the top 3 needs and get a plan together to fill their most important needs ~when possible~

caution is required if your spouse scores high on sexual fulfillment as their emotional need ... if your spouse is sleeping with someone else YOU need to enforce the use of condom protection ... and even that is not foolproof protection you won't be exposed to a disease

GET TESTED for STDs every so often if you are having sex with a still cheating spouse

MOST people in an affair do NOT use protection <~~~ is's a fact you must face !

and ....


Quote
Offering forgiveness and understanding.

By this I mean .... suggesting to the confused foggy affair-addicted spouse that there is HOPE for the marriage even though what they are doing is awful ... there is a map leading to home

Often their thinking is thus: "It's too late now. I've done too much damage ... my spouse could never forgive me, so I might as well continue with the affair."

You, the sane spouse, need to squash that belief that they can never be forgiven for what they have done.
You do not need to forgive them right away, but offer them the hope of a future where all is forgiven.

You can word it something like this:

All of us do things we regret. When I think of some of my past mistakes, I am extremely grateful for having been forgiven by those I've hurt. I want to be in the position to offer you that same grace. I have been forgiven, so I understand what it feels like to be in a position where you hope forgiveness is possible. It is possible.

continuing ...


Quote
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.


Exposure is your most effective tool to end the affair !

It is important to SNOOP ~before~ exposure.

There are ways to snoop in order to gather evidence. If you have questions about snooping tactics ... go to the general Questions infidelity forum and begin a thread titled something like: ~~~> I need to snoop. Teach me everything you know!

OK ... once you've snooped and you know there is an affair ... and your spouse refuses to end the affair relationship ... you will hear:

"It's only a friendship."
"You are too controling."
"I love you but I am not in love with you."
"You are too suspicious."
"You are crazy."
"Our marriage never worked."
"I've never been happy."
"Our marriage was a mistake from the start."

TIME for exposure.

WAT has a great exposure thread ... read it

Exposure is NOT to the 2 infidels ... they already know they are in an affair!

You expose to the other betrayed spouse first.

You expose to your family as well as your spouse's family (if appropriate)
You expose to work, or neighbors, or others .... ASK the board for help regarding who to expose to

HOW you expose is important

wording something like:

I am saddened to tell you my sweetie is having an affair. It's been going on for (length of time).He/she refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my sweetie, please do what you can to get him/her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

don't forget these words

swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

you NEVER tell your adulterous spouse you are going to expose

you just do it

more ....


Quote
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Exposure makes the infidel furious rant2

stay calm
breathe

no one can stay furious forever ... being furious is exhausting ... consumes a lot of energy ... let the furious infidel fume and exhaust his/her self

YOU stay cool cool

You will hear:

"That's it. We are never going to stay married after what YOU did."
"I am moving out now, thanks to you."
"You are getting OP in trouble at home."
"Now our kids will have a broken home thanks to you."


blah blah blah

You respond to all the raging comments: I am still holding out hope for our marriage.

You stay calm

You don't argue

You don't explain

You do not preach

You do not educate

~and~ you do NOT apologize for standing up for truth and marriage and keeping your family intact

YOU calmly re-state your belief that there is hope for the marriage ....

if things get out of hand ... excuse yourself and go for a walk or a drive ...

remember ... exposure makes the already foggy spouse act insane ... but it is temporary

.....


Quote
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.


Plan A is often misunderstood as "acting nice"

excuse me acting "nice' in the face of an affair makes me want to puke puke

Plan A is taking control of one's self ...it is NOT "acting nice" ~as if~ there was no infidelity eating away at your family .... infidelity hurts like battery acid poured on your skin

am I right?

heII yes I am right

so you scared and panicky betrayed ~~~> SPEAK UP

tell the truth

"This affair hurts me. This affair is going to destroy our family. Let's get help."

If your spouse does something really thoughtless ... SPEAK UP.

"What you just said (did) hurts me terribly."

"I feel wounded by your affair."

"My heart aches for the love we used to share."


But be careful ... don't get needy or whiney or weepy ... those are love-busters

it's a fine line between telling the truth about what hurts ... and staying away from LB behaviors

ASK for help from the board

if you are unsure if what you are doing is correct... examine how much self control you have at any given moment ... and if you are feeling in control of yourself ... you are probably right on the money !

if you feel yourself losing control ... step away and re-group

>>>>>>


Quote
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

You never were a perfect spouse. You never will be.

You are part of the equation of your marriage environment .. but you have no power to cause your spouse to choose an affair

The freshly wounded often look at themselves and blame themselves for their spouse's choice to go outside the marriage....

stop

Sure, this is an opportunity to take your own inventory ... but NEVER accept blame for your spouse's choice to have an affair

The issue of not meeting the emotional needs of the adulterous spouse ~before~ the affair began is NOT a reason to choose infdelity

not ever

You are responsible for your choices, not for the choices of your spouse

relax
breathe

~~~~~~
Quote
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

If we experience no consequences when we mess up ... there is very little motivation for us to change our wrong behaviors that have become a habit

do the infidel a favor

do not stand inbetween them and their consequences

show respect for the infidel by allowing them to feel whatever their behaviors have earned them

be it
shame
embarrasment
fear

whatever they have earned

let it be

unpleasant consequences are what motivates changing habitual bad behaviors

let it roll


******


Quote
A very very important part of Plan A !!!

That is some serious self-pampering .... which may include but is not limited to:

>manicures/pedicures

>dates with friends

>hire a sitter so YOU can have fun

>relaxing your usually busy schedule

>say "No, I can't do that now." when you are running out of energy

>pray and ask for spiritual and emotional support from someone wise in your circle of trust

>buy all new sheets

>paint the bedroom

>treat yourself to something sexy to wear

>try a new hairstyle

>get contact lenses or Kewl new glasses

>glam up

>buy concert/theater tickets

>exercise

Self pampering will keep your Taker happy for awhile which IMPROVES your Plan A

~~~~~~~

and finally, This is an old post of mine ... written in 2002... I was trying to put the "doormat of Plan A" issue to rest .... in my own mind. Now you can look at what I came up with, back then.


Quote
Looking back ... I can see I worked myself through a very awkward "plan A" ....
although I never heard of plan A until years into recovery and I started poking around this site.

Looking back ... I can see my efforts to become differentiated ... although I did not read Schnarch's Passionate Marriage until years into recovery.

Plan A is very much complementary to Schnarch's ideas of differentiation.

Developing a positive identity within the context of a marriage struggling to overcome infidelity.

Developing a strong sense of self-worth that is valid both within and outside the boundaries of the marriage.

I can NOW see plan A as a path to greater self worth and NOT necessarily as a plan to "win back" the heart and mind of the infidel ... although that might happen.

It is a plan to differentiate myself and identify myself as a worthy person apart from the circumstances of the marriage relationship.

Plan A'ers are not like doormats to wipe your feet upon and to mis-use .... more like a *welcome home* sign... if both persons choose to re-inter the marriage!

Plan A says : "I can hold onto my better self under the worst of circumstances".

Schnarch says: "We develop a contingent identity based on a 'self-in-relationship'. Because our identity depends on the relationship, we may demand that our partner doesn't change so that our identity won't either."

Then ... comes the grenade of infidelity tossed into the marriage and the entire fusion of identities is blown apart!

The aftermath of the grenade then boils down to this question ....

WHO THE HECK AM I ... AND ... WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?

And, asking this question to the *fogged-in* infidel is pointless. They got INTO the affair because they were lost to themselves, and went searching for a new self .... and, INSTEAD of differentiating themselves ... they fused identity to yet another relationship ... actually moving away from a healthy differentiated view of their self-worth ----> I am wonderful because my affair partner thinks so.

Plan A says and demonstrates to OURSELVES: I am not some weak pathetic person deserving to be abandoned or cheated. I am demonstrating decent and loving behaviour. I am worthy of love and devotion. ... If the infidel notices .... double bonus points. If not, I become better differentiated along the way ... and I can see my strengths despite terrible and hurtful circumstances.

Once I become more fully differentiated and have stable and accurate self-worth (after the grenade) ... I am then in the position to identify
healthy choices.

I can honestly say that I will be a sensational woman within this marriage... or after this marriage terminates.

I think I finally understand what I went through. I understand that I am the better woman for it. I understand my spouse is the better man for it.

That is a powerful message to myself.

The anxiety that floods the betrayed spouse is the perceived loss of identity .

Self worth and a differentiated identity is the harvest of plan A .

I think I get it now.

Best to all of you travelers on this journey!

There is a thread that guides newly betrayed spouses around the site, have you read it yet? http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Ask any questions that may arise after reading these links.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
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S
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Posts: 8,240
BTW, you contacted OW. Now you don't have to do it again.

Have you exposed this affair on both sides? Does OW have a FB page.

See, the OW in my case, when I approached her about phone calls from my WH to her,she said, "I didn't call him ONCE." I said, "BUT YOU answered the phone." It's splitting hairs. Sure, she didn't dial the number herself but she knew who was calling and welcomed the attention anyways. TURD.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 16
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Originally Posted by Scotland
Sure, she didn't dial the number herself but she knew who was calling and welcomed the attention anyways. TURD.


I have to address the above quote first. Too funny.

She does have a facebook page but she has completley blocked me from it. I cant even look at her name. When my husband decided to reconcile with me I went on his page to see if she was still a friend. She defriended him and blocked him from seeing her as well. I went in his account last night to see if he was still blocked and she unblocked him but has not befriended him again. This may be because I went into his profile and set all private settings where she can no do anything he must make contact with her.

Before I knew about this site or anything about affairs I had already taken a lot of the steps it says to take in plan A. The night I found out I called her husbandand told him. I contacted his superiors and I blasted both of them on FB. His family and my family know the situation as well. He was mad at first but then told me he understood why I did what i did. This is when he and I started talking more.

I feel so helpless that I am here and he is hundreds of miles away. I dont know when the phone rings and I don't know who is on the other line or how many times it rings. I am not there in person to try to show my husband that I love him. I only have words that will get me so far. I still don't know if he has tried to get his orders changed since I have not spoken to hm since Thursday. I have no way of making it work if I am over here but have no way of getting over there if he doesn't want us there.



BW(Me)
M:2yr together 6yr
DDAY- 09/24/10 WH asked for seperation
DDAY- 10/25/10 found out EA
DDAY- 10/26/10 found out it was PA
"We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we can not"
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Posts: 16
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I know one of my husbands biggest needs are physical affection.


BW(Me)
M:2yr together 6yr
DDAY- 09/24/10 WH asked for seperation
DDAY- 10/25/10 found out EA
DDAY- 10/26/10 found out it was PA
"We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we can not"
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 16
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BW_I Offline OP
Junior Member
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 16
UPDATE!!!

My husband finally contacted me through Facebook asking me to call him (his phone is basically prepaid and he has no minutes). So I called him and he started the conversation like everything is fine. I asked him what he had been up to and he told me he had a soccer tournament (he told me about this earlier this week) and then he told me about how him and his buddies went out Friday night and Saturday night and how he was recovering from the night.

Everything was going fine until I asked him if there was anything paticular he wanted to talk about and he said no at first and I told him it's okay to be open with me. He then went on to tell me how he is worried that I will go over and we will try to work things out and things still wont work. He is worried that he will never feel for me the way he use to or the way I feel for him. I asked him if he was still in love with the OW and he said he is not in love with the but does have deep feelings for her. I asked him why does he feel that way given he knows she is with someone else and the things she said when she emailed him (she wrote bitchy things to him in the email how he left things at her house and she gave it all away to a homeless guy). He then asked me "Why do you still care about me given what I've done?" Touche!!! I simply told him I still cared about him because I'm in love with him and I have been in love with him for six years, I have six years of history with him and he is the father of my children. The conversation kind of ended there.

I also asked him to block her from his facebook, emails and phone. He then asked "isn't not talking to her enough?" I told him yes it is a big step but I would feel more comfortable if he would block her. I asked him to think about if when I get there we are doing very well and she pops up does he not think this will cause a problem. He said yes so I asked do you not think it to be wise to stop the problem before it arises. He angrily agreed to block her from facebook but that was about it.

I also asked him to charge his minutes on his phone because it would make me feel better if he were to call me every once in a while. By the time I got to that question he was already mad and ready to get off the phone (it was past midnight for him). I told him I would like it if we did not get off the phone with him angry but he didn't care to hear much after that and told me to call him tomorrow.

I think im asking for too much for one conversation.


BW(Me)
M:2yr together 6yr
DDAY- 09/24/10 WH asked for seperation
DDAY- 10/25/10 found out EA
DDAY- 10/26/10 found out it was PA
"We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we can not"
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 16
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BW_I Offline OP
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.


BW(Me)
M:2yr together 6yr
DDAY- 09/24/10 WH asked for seperation
DDAY- 10/25/10 found out EA
DDAY- 10/26/10 found out it was PA
"We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. We must do that which we think we can not"

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