I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.

As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.

In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.

Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Hiding assets, or creative accounting to save family funds from leaving the family is important to many. I'm sure each state is different, so a good laywer will be able to help you here.

Separate on paper, quit claim deeds (as below),etc. They are all legal. Don't ever allow emotions to control your finances.

I know that some will see this as being unfair to the OC. So be it. None of this is fair and my children are innocent too.

But in many cases, the BW is sitting around feeling sorry for herself. Don't. Get out and get moving. Find out your rights. Do not spend the next 18 years of your life with someone else in control. Defend your home,your kids and yes, that means finances.

Some see this as bitter and mean spirited. Sorry, I don't see it that way. Maybe a BW who stands up and fights back terrifies some. My children come first. Their needs supercede any needs of the OW and her child.

My H and OW made that child, my kids will not pay for it. My H pays child support. But through the efforts of our attorney, all increases to salary are now paid out on a consulting basis, or sent directly to a retirement account. Retirement funds can't be touched. This is perfectly legal.

I know many feel it is unfair and cruel. However, this whole situation is cruel and hurtfull to many. The actions of the UH/OW have huge ripple effect. The OW see it as horribly unfair to her child to be denied. But what did they think? Is the UH supposed to welcome this child with open arms and embrace it? What about his wife and children at home? Their feelings matter too. I am sick to death of reading these OW saying that it is reality, and how the BW has to accpet the OC. Well the OW has to accept that the BW has a voice. She has feelings. She has rights. I read where OW do not want BW anywhere near the OC,as if the only person with rights is the OW. COME ON, GET REAL. The OW has to accept that her child, if the MM wants contact, will be involved with the BW.

Meandering here. Part of the destruction brought on by the EMR is that the OC will not necessarily be thought of in endearing terms. That the BW, by placing her childrens needs first, will probably "screw" the oc. To bad. That is the reality of the situation. The OW have to realize this. The reality is that the laws allow us to do such. The reality is that we, as a couple worked hard and your child will not benefit from it. CS is not a benefit, but necessary. Of that I would never disagree.

I am saddened by how many wives on here feel they don't have a voice. While you are going through this, you have a right to be heard. If your H insists on contact and you feel you just can't, tell him. Get the laywer, get CS for your kids, etc. Cause if he is willing to go against your wishes, again, your marriage will not likely last. POJA is a good idea. Both have to be on board or it is not a marriage.

I am saying protect yourselves. Don't sit back and be a victim. Fight back. Don't allow events to unfold without your active participation. It unerves people, to bad. This is your life. Your one and only life. Live it without hassles.

If you and your husband chose to participate in the life of OC. So be it. Just make sure that you are doing it cause you want to, not because anyone pressured you to. Look. We all know OC is innocent of any wrong doing. There is a reality here. The same reality that OW insist that the BW accept the situation, works the other way. OW has to accept that her child, no matter who the father is, in some cases is not going to be welcomed into the family, or ever become a part of it, etc.

Protecting assets is not greedy, it is not mean,it is vital to the financial well being and future of your family. Why do you take deductions at tax time? CAUSE IT IS LEGAL.

Don't allow soem OW or your UH or anyone ever tell you to handle finances with your emotions. That is the dumbest thing you could ever do. It is not wrong to protect your finances. You have insurance don't you? Isn't that to protect your financial future? When it comes to money, always use your head, never your heart.

Don't ever be afraid to stick up for yourself and your life and your children and your finances and your future. You have rights too. You have feelings that are just as valid as anyone else's in this mess. Don't allow anyone to tell you how you have to feel.

People on here think I am angry and bitter cause I protect my children? Cause I don't give a damm about OW? Maybe my words are not politically correct and coddling to some. Maybe my cavalier attitude to OC bothers others. But there is a reality here. This is my life, I am living it. I am not allowing some OW and the OC to direct how I live. I am working hard to save money for the future. If I am gone, then, making darn sure my children are taken care of. That is reality.