I watched fireproof the movie and bought the love dare book. I'm putting this into action. I was completely touched and moved by the movie. 40 days and I started yesterday. Please wish me luck! I wish to spend new years with my husband and start the year off in a positive note.

I strongly recommend this movie and the book is available at local bookstores. I called and both were held for me at the front desk for purchase.

May god walk with you always mr anderson thank you for replying to my post.

Good Luck,
It's a good start, one person can change things, look at it as a fun project, enjoy doing things for your husband in a loving way......
Even if it hurts.............
jessi

my 3rd day of love dare was to show him appreciation; to buy him something to let him know i was thinking of him.

i picked out a card, wrote in it loving thoughts and 3 red roses; on the card i wrote 1 for joshua, 1 for christian, 1 for shelbie; 3 of the greatest blessings you have ever given me thank you, all my love.

i put it on his dresser; he never went into the bedroom, he saw it the next morning read it and said thanks and left for work, no have kiss on the cheek like he was doing, he just left.

he isnt feeling well, i asked if i could do anything for him, he says nope it just needs to run its course. i am trying so hard.

i gave him all my passwords to everything, even tho he said he didnt want them.

he is supposed to go out tonight with friends and their wives to the football game at 7; i am not invited, i asked if i could go, he said no.

he gets texts all the time and keeps his phone with him always; even now he is in the shower and his phone is with him. i did these things when i was hiding stuff. my gut is telling me he is hiding something.

i am working on the love dare; watched the movie and reading the book, thankyou for the advice.

this is tough, but i'm committed to doing this through every rejection.

the support on here is greatly appreciated because i battle with depression and need all the help i can get. thank you again. i hope this works.

30 days staying in the same house consistantly but still paying rent somewhere else and living out of a bag until he says i can officially move back in.

i am having a tough time today; i feel as if i don't exist.

he doesn't talk to me unless i ask a question or say something to him. i am feeling very down and extremly lonely.

he is on the computer or watching tv or playing x-box or watching football or texting.

i am unable to get his attention or even keep it. i move close to him and he moves away.

the pain i feel is over whelming and all i want to do is cry; i had these feelings of eing desperate before the EA and cried out for his attention. i'm fighting the tears because if i cry he gets angry and makes me feel worse.

he seems angry all the time, with me, with the kids, with his job.

at this very moment he is yelling at our 2nd son.

i am distraut and fighting the feeling of just shutting down completely.

am i fooling myself here; am i hoping for something that is impossible?

i know in my heart this could work if he would only meet me half way.
my heart hurts so very much there are no words to describe this mysery i have been living for so long now.

he answered the emotional needs questionair.

he has no need for affection that is my #1
he has no or very little need for conversation; that is my #2
he stated on the attractiveness; my internal is un attractive to him.
he does not find me attractive on the inside.

my self esteem is already in the gutter; he just trashed it.

i'm trying to repair something that i'm not sure can be.
the pain i'm feeling is unbelievable, i would rather he hit me. i cant stop crying now.

mthomas,

Just keep being the great woman you can be, this takes time, you are expecting something in return right now, let that part go .......keep yourself busy......
Keep yourself looking good, make the house look great, do little things for him that he will notice, pay attention to what he says, keep doing the love dare.....it takes 40 days, not 3............
Wait until after the 40 days and see where you are then........
I know you feel distraught and sad but a lot has to be changed and it's a very slow process..........
If he sees you cry so what, it's okay to care for him and your marriage.
Just be honest with your feelings and respect his, don't push to much but be firm.......
Good Luck

my therapists disagrees with what i'm doing; she feels he is abusing me; the things he says and how he treats me.

how do i get him to stop being mean and try?

You can't change him. You can only change YOU.

Affairs ARE abuse. That is why it is important to go into plan B to protect yourself from the abuser until they have ended their affair and have changed their ways.

It doesn't matter if your therapist thinks that what you are doing is wrong, what matters is that you follow MB to the letter. See, in time in Plan B, you will feel better and your friends, family and even the therapist will see the difference. There will be no question in their minds that you ARE doing the right thing for you.

So, get that Plan B letter drafted and go into a dark as night Plan B.

I think you can be firm with your boundaries and you can work on yourself, let go of what he is doing or not doing, you get yourself up every day, make yourself look good, do your chore with pride and care...
Do things for yourself, exercise, baths......going out with friends, family, just enjoy your life.......
Ask him if he wants to join you but if he doesn't just go out or do what you want...
Tell him you wished he would share in your life but you will not force anyone to spend time with you........
Do little things that he will notice you took care of for him, slowly he will notice a happy woman able to focus on her strong side and a woman that can be happy and enjoy life........
When you speak to him, look right into his eyes, when you walk by gently(accidently of course, hehe) brush him, pick lint off his shirt......gently kiss him on the cheek when he least expects it...........
He will start to expect and miss it when it doesn't happened........
Talk calmly to him, tell him you understand his feelings and that you want him to be happy......
Then you show him the new confident you.........he will notice but it takes time...

my youngest daughter is upset tonite and doesnt understand why i cant go to his parents; i was truthful with her, i communicated daddys family is upset with me and does not want me there for thanksgiving. she doesnt understand i hurt her daddy and i am not welcome with his family. she is upset i am at home while they are giving thanks today. i hurt because she is hurting. i am really torn with his family they have done some hurtful things in the past and were a catalyst to my husband and i arguing so much before my EA. i really don't want to have anything to do with them either but i am decent and respectful as much as possible because of my children; why can't they be?

saturday: he says i am going to my moms to rake and bag leaves with the boys, instead of asking if he would like help i told my daughter to go get ready and said to him we will go with you, i will go get ready; is it cold outside? he says yes. i went and got ready. he didn't say anything but seemed uncomfortable and anxious. we all went and did 22 bags.

his dad came up to me and asked how i was, i said i am fine and you? he says good; how much are you charging me today, i laughed and said nothing at all. his mom did not say even hi; but neither did i. i simply worked my [censored] off raking and bagging leaves.

my husband was then in their garage screaming and yelling at our 16 year old son, because he felt he wasn't doing anything and maybe he was slacking but he was there alone a couple days earlier and bagged 21 bags on his own; so i had him come with me and tried to diffuse the situation.

my son in tears and upset, i chose to divert his attention away from what just happened and we began to throw leaves at each other; rolling in the leaves i told him i loved him and communicated his dad is just frustrated and it's not him.

my children are important to me and i would do anything for them.

after we went to dinner then to get a couple movies to watch; we went home and watched them.

my daughter had plans for a couple friends to stay over, and they stayed in the living room giving my husband no choice but to sleep in the bedroom with me. it bothers me he is constantly sleeping on the couch; but i can't say too much about it. it will upset him and cause an arguement.

i feel very alone in this endeavor to save my marriage, i do everything he asks, i gave him all my pass codes to everything, i tell him where i am going, call when i get off work, do dishes, laundry house hold chores ask him to do things with me; i even have to ask my own husband for a hug when i need one; he only kisses me on the cheek if i'm lucky that is.

i feel unwanted, not needed, unworthy and used; just existing in silence, no conversation, no affection. i am drowning.

i leave him cards, write i love yous on his bathroom mirror, send him text "hows your day going", call him on my lunch; invite him to dinner, tell him he smells good, he looks nice, make his lunch and throw in chocolate kisses and a note card that says have a good day, all my love. bought new sheets for his bed, washed his pillows, clean his bathroom, cut his toe nails, make dinner, fix his plate, cut his meat, get him a drink.

i ask him how his day is and ussually get "it was long" i keep probing for him to tell me. i am exhausted, depleted and my love bank is in serious red; i am wondering why i am doing this, i am right where i felt i was before the EA.

i am starting to feel resentful again and i don't want to.

You have to decide how long you can do this for..........have your tried to stop meeting his needs for a few days, what happens then, does he try to connect with you? I tried this once in a while and I found my husband would put more of an effort into meeting my needs when I stopped meeting his............try it see where you are at......see if he notices.............still be nice when you speak, but just go on with your life with the children.......happily................
good luck and hang in there, this is a long rocky road we are travelling now.....

honestly im not sure how long i can do this. he did the emotional needs test and it told me nothing; he needs nothing, he has been clear he does not need affection and would not miss it if it were gone.
he says he does not need conversation and doesnt want me to try. when i clean it makes him angry; he says he does not need me to do that.
we had a beautiful home, after i left it was not taken care of. he did not have the time or energy. he works long hours and this is a 5 bedroom home. i clean alittle each day, my goal being to get it back to the beautiful home we had; but its going to take a very long time.
i also clean to keep busy because its so easy for me to drift into the despair i feel.
i feel disposable to him.
this evening i tried to be playful with him; i want to laugh with him so bad. we started to wrestle but he gets rough and i end up getting hurt.
now we are in seperate rooms again he is playing xbox and i am upstairs thinking will he sleep on the couch again tonite.
my husband and i met when i was 14, i have known him pretty much my entire life. i know very little beyond him and what i do know scares the crap out of me.
i have not stopped trying because im afraid to and afraid he wont care if i do.

Your situation sounds very trying but all you can do is be a great person. Just be yourself and cleaning is a good way to keep yourself busy, it gives you a sense of accomplishment and that is a good thing, I would try volunteering as well, it makes you feel great giving to someone else........
Don't worry so much about him, just tell him that you plan to take care of him and it's because you love him and want to be part of his life......
If he doesn't respond for now, that's okay, he sounds like it might take him a while to come around..........
Clean the house, look good, smell good.........cook great meals.........try to look after little things for him that he usually does for himself, he will notice if it's already done for him........
Leave little notes for him, pin a note to the couch saying that you would love it if he joined you in bed...........
Show him a strong, independant woman. Give yourself a time line, if something isn't working, try a different approach until you find something that works for you two......................
good luck

he sleeps on the couch almost every night in his clothes with his keys and cell phone.

is he hiding something?

he stays awake until 1, 2 or 3 almost every night; i wake up around this time finding him on the computer or watching tv.

should i be snooping?

Yep. Snooping is about protecting the marriage.

I believe that their should be nothing unsnoopable between two married people (except government and company secrets).

i am afraid of what i might find out....
we had a very bad arguement sunday night; i asked if he was sleeping on the couch again; rudely he said i slept in the bedroom last night didn't i. i said you ussually don't. i had gone down almost midnight and he was on the computer; i asked again and told him i wanted some alone time and that caused a blow out.
he asked me what do i expect from him i said some participation less rejections.
he started in with blaming me; bringing up the ea and pa; told me if he took me back his friends and family will mock him and think he is a fool. that i not once but several times dangled a carrott infront of him and was seeing someone else. i don't agree with his analogy; i simply said i'm sorry to confirm his feelings and different perspective.
he then said you moved back in; which is incorrect because i live out of a bag, my belongings are in storage still because he wont let me bring them home. he reatedly told me its not my home anymore that i left it. i kept coming back with it is my home.
he then stated ive watched you get comfortable over the last three weeks. shouldn't i be comfortable in my own home and feel safe?
the truth is i don't; i don't feel comfortable at all; he makes me feel like an outsider, unwanted and unworthy.
ive been there now 40 days; i was on the 20th day of love dare; making the decision everyday to love him regardless of his "stone walling", silent treatments, rejections, negativity and cruel comments.
he has been reading my posts on here and i'm fine with that because he needs to know my perspective on things; i can't tell him my feelings or express my perspective on anything because he is constantly saying this isn't about you, its about me. isnt this about us?
he says things like are you serious when i try to answer his questions or are you kidding me when i express my feelings. i feel belittled and inadequate, unworthy, unwanted, shamed constantly and now depressed. i am putting forth so much effort and its not doing any good; my heart shatters when he says these cruel things; statements that are not necessary, or reminders of what i did wrong over and over again.
he wrote on the emotional needs questionair he did not find my internal attractive on the physical attractiveness question; that was intentionally cruel.
when i cry and am sobbing to where i am getting sick; he just stands there and watches.
i have no energy to fight him or even stand up for myself anymore, i'm now just accepting his perspective and agreeing with whatever he says.
i am now having to remind myself repeatedly i am a good person, i have a good heart and what he says isn't true trying to keep from him damaging what little respect i have left for myself.
the next morning he sent me a text that said "i'm sorry"
i just replied bak "K" id like to know what he is sorry for, i don't trust he is sorry, he will do it again.
saying i'm sorry over text isn't sincere to me.
he has made it very clear he does not want me, he does not love me. can one person really change things; because i'm doubting i can do anything now?
severly in the red and all i want to do is sleep and cry.
melissa