I am recently divorced. It was my second marriage. It lasted only a year. It was a very intense relationship. When good - I have never felt better in my life. It was butterflies and sparks and passion and joy - that still exists today. She was difficult to hold onto. Left me frequenty. Some of it legitimate and some just extreme over reacting. She says she has changed and loves me too. Understands her problems. Has trouble getting over this just as I am. I ponder a giving it another chance - but now I am living a few hours away for a job. On the other hand my first wife is now divorced as well. We were together 20 yeas an have a daughter and a new grandbaby together. We get along great but I do not feel the sparks. She wants to get back together as well. I amconfused. 1. From a Christian standpoint which is the better choice 2. Is it reasonble to give up everything - job, family (for a time becasue they will be upset) for a chance with second wife - who I still adore?

How long did you wait before you got married the second time? Also, how long did you 'date' before marrying the second time?

The reason I ask is because if it lasted only a year, it was a very intense relationship, and you seem to have a very intense feeling towards your second wife - to me, it is because you two were still 'new' in this relationship. You do not feel any sparks towards your first wife because, well, you two were married for 20 years, and you know that she wants to get back...

So when you 'compare', the two, you would need to make some adjustments to make the comparison apple-to-apple, in my opinion. That said, what was the biggest 'deal-breaker' in the second marriage? Does your second wife know what she needs from you and what you need from her?

I believe that love is not just about 'feeling', but it's about choice. To give up everything is definitely not reasonable for anyone. At the same time, what seems to be 'sacrifice' to you or your spouse may not seem the same on the other person, so you need to talk more. As long as you feel that you haven't tried enough, you should try more, that's my opinion.

I was divorced from first for about 6 years before marrying second wife. I dated a few inbetween. First wife left me basically because she felt I was unstable due to several moves due to job losses. In fact she left me when I left town to start another job that she had said was "great" and a blessing. Little did I know then what she meant. She is sorry but it still stings. The "intensity" I feel for second wife is something I have never had before. It is truly a tremendous bond I still feel - and I have known her now for over 2 years - so I don't think it is a fleeting or newbe feeling, rather true love. Despite the fact the the second wife might be classified by some as Borderline Personality Disorder. She frequenty would leave in our relationship for a day, and a few times much longer. She had extreme jealousy of first wife - mostly because I talked to her behind her back - which was mostly during these times of loneliness and to mend relations with her and my daughter which became strained. My 18 year old daughter (who now has my grandbaby) would be very reluctant to forgive me for not going back to her mom and for especially going back to second wife. The second wife appears to have come closer to God and asked forgiveness and promises to have changed - but her trust in me is extremely low. I would be ultra scutinized over every move for a long time. But she may be worth it. I was never happier when times were good with her and blame myself for the trust issues. I guess the deal breaker in the end for the second marriage was my reluctance to call first wife and severe all ties and communication with her except emergencies. I was reluctant because I knew how this would damage my relationship with daughter and was afraid of second wife's sincere committment - again all the leaving. The difficult question here is what is right? If I wanted to do the "Christian" thing which woman am I more obligated to? The first in which I was with much longer and have a family with, or the second which is most recent and the one I presently have more feelings for but scares me. The first which is more stable, or the second which brings me more pleasure and happiness? Or neither? To compound the issue I am presently 4 hours away from both. The first will relocate. The second will not. I would have to find a way to go to her.

I can't offer any guidance on the "Christian" thing to do, but my basic advice would be to minimize drama. After your first post I was going to ask if your second wife is bipolar, and it sounds like she has some of those traits. Life will always be drama in that type of relationship - high highs, low lows.

I do find it bothersome that you are viewing this as a "first wife or second wife" choice; I can see why your second wife was jealous. Sounds like you entered the second marriage with the option of going back to the first still on the table somehow, and your "behind her back" conversations with the first wife could not have been helpful.

How about just taking a time out and spending some time on your own, before deciding which wife to go back to? Maybe "neither" is the right answer.

AGG

I can sincerly say that I never wanted to go back to first wife when with second one. In fact had my chance early in the dating phase with second one and turned first wife down. But I care for her and admittedly was too close and that was my mistake as I see it now. I don't blame second wife for her distrust just that she has been been way over the top at times with very innocent cirucmstances. I wish I had more time but feel I don't. I get the feeling that my opportunity with either is now or never - neither is going to wait. To compound the issue furhter I am contemplating another job move - farther away. A great job opportunity has come up. It is eating me up. I feel like it would be the final nail in the coffin with second wife - she is too cose to her family to relocate. First wife would go. I understand the highs and lows. I can only describe it best as what an addict must feel like. You would do anything for the high. Second wife is convincing in her words that she has changed - and would not leave again - and understands and is sorry for her part. So tempting to believe. If true she would be perfect. Hope someone on here can give the Christian persective - it would help me decide. --- thanks

Personally, I think if you have to ask yourself which one to go back to, the answer should be neither. The fact that you're even considering both as options tells me you'd benefit from a counselor who can help you to sort out your feelings. Who is to say you should be with anyone at this point? Do you feel you didn't have adequate reasons for either divorce? And if the answer is no and you're that impetuous, all the more to learn and explore about yourself. If you did have valid reasons for divorcing, what makes you think those reasons have changed significantly, enough to warrant different results?

I agree with kay...



Words above are very unsettling.. No one should be making marriage decisions while under such pressure, and with "it's either A or B" attitude.

This just screams to me that the answer is "Neither. Take a long time out instead".

AGG

Excellent points KC.

I had been in counciling. I understand what you are saying. I a seeking the moral and Christian answer - as a guide. It would just help to know.

Well in the Bible it often says to wait. It says to pray. It says to listen and to be slow to speak. It warns against get rich quick schemes...which the same principle could be applied to anything quick or without enough thought. I would be careful of any quick hard sells, that isn't good when buying something, and it certainly wouldn't be good in marrying.

I would proceed with what is best for you in your job move and let things fall where they may and continue praying. Wait on the Lord...again I say, wait.

I looked up adultery for you, and this is what I found.

Matthew 19:9
"I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.�