Hiya Constant

Thanks for your reply, you said about an olive branch from me to H, I can't do this can I as am in Plan B?

For example when he came round last week and sat in the office, I could have spoken to him?

Harmony.

Your Plan B is already so full of holes, I would just spend my time trying to patch them up and working on myself if I were you.

I had 2 olive branches in my Plan B. One was 2 months after complete darkness and the other one was 2 months after that. Then I let my WH see me a few weeks ago. That is 3 times in 11 months that my WH has seen me in any way. How long have you been in Plan B and how many times has your WH been in your house or seen you?

Yes you are right Scotland.

I suppose i was a bit confused as I told Steve H about the locks and his stuff and he told me to not do anything else.

I will get on the case sorting this all out on Monday.

My H has seen me once in Plan B and I have not initiated any contact with him in the 6 weeks he has been gone.

I think it just may be time for me to move on properly as I think I am spending too much time waiting for H to walk through the door.

To be honest I just wantmy bday out of the way, as I just feel so alone right now. I feel let down by so many people in a big way. Looking at your boundaries is a good thing, but it has only made me realise how I have been let down or mistreated by those around me.

Hopefully things will start to get better.

So worried about my Dad right now too.

My comment about an olive branch was to point out that olive branchs were offered by the antoganists in war. In other words, you are, and have been, the person who was attacked and shoved around by his continued IB and his blind selfish acts, and evrything you have exhibited except your affair, has shown me you will accept his bad treatment.

Plan B is you standing for yourself, why do you think he is the only one who has the right to fight and take action? Why did you think he is fighting for what is right? ..Why do you take this treatment and think you deserve it somehow?

It was an observation thats all, that you think he has some right and stands somewhere that he has to forgive you because again, "its all your fault Harmony".."I have done nothing wrong". When in truth he has neglected you until you ran away to a POS like the OM. Remember, two wrongs did,nt make a right did they? so there is no excuse for it, but that you let yourself go there is now something we are also exploring. Your willingness to be with the kind of men you have, is something you will have to deal with internally, or your marriage will never be what it could be, or even the comprimise you were willing to settle for before. Because that stuff just doesn't fly and will eventually crumble.

If you have read scottys thread, and I have been following it since day 1, you will see how cautiuos and carefully she adheres to Plan B and also the pain she went through in preparing her olive branch. But the war she is waging agaist the A that is threatening her marraige was fought with many advisors here, and every one of them counselled her to stand for herself and make her H respect her boundarys, cuz shes worth it, thats why..

So you are too, and should be to your WH, and I wanted to point out you still don't seem to know that, maybe just inside somewhere, and the olive branch he was possibly gonna offer you, well, what are you fighting for? Where is your demands? Are you ready to stand up for you?

Yes your in plan B, but WH still believes he has done nothing wrong? His temper tantrum behavior is his right somehow? I don't think he even knows yet he might lose you if he doesn't change, and doesn't feel he has to. Thats where you have a fight, and untill he is challanged in that, there is no olive branch you should offer. The negotiations of the war would leave you still in slavery. Your selling your life/self short.

Like Scotty said, your in plan B, and you are still in need of working on boundarys in yourself, and the ones that should reflect them in your marriage. To offer an olive branch before you even start to fight, well thats giving up before the battle even begins. Take the time to think about those things, and don't be a victim, and don't give up yet. You have to be strong and only you can be that for yourself in this. WH thinks he is entitled, and oyu have let him. Don't be fooled again.

There it is again..you are just giving up, without a fight. Why don't you fight? This is the question I am asking, don't you think you and your marriage is worth it? Or do you think marriage just happens?

If you fight for all the right things for you and in marriage, you will become stronger married or not. If you don't stand up for yourself, you will be a victim married or not.

Plan B.. time to re-evaluate your life, and change what you can, even if it means being alone for awhile and insisting marraige on your terms until you are really satisfied you have done all. If your marriage isn't what it should be, and I think you still have work understanding the relationship, you will be lonly while in it too, just like before. So it makes no sense to rush.

Stop compromising what you know is right, or making a choice that you must run away. Fight, and fight fair. we are here to help you. Believe me, settling for less will mean you will get just that.

Hang in there, what are you missing from your life anyways?

OK I get you Constant. Thanks so much, and also for your time that you given to my thread it is really appreciated you know

Concentrate on your Dad now. Sounds like it is a worthy priority for you or anyone.

Sorry for this, hope he gets better soon.

My pleasure

Oops cross threads.

OK I get you, not missing anything at all. I am REALLY enjoying this time alone.

Will move into Dark Plan B, and plant those seeds of forgiveness that Pepper was on about.

Like someone said, find a way to keep him from getting his "Harmony fix" and showing up when he wants to. He has to work for it to be around you.

When your lonly, come here and post, that what we are here for.

Harmony, I wanted to tell you that it is perfectly NORMAL for you to want your WH to come through that door. There are still moments when I wish the same thing. I don't want the same man who walked out through that door.

The first while in Plan B is hard. It really does get easier with time and the time it takes each person is different. Take your time. Work on yourself and you will do fine.

Hello MB crew

Birthday today. Had a moment this morning but thought stop feeling sorry for yourself Harmoneeeeee!

Feel on a bit of a high that I am ok on my own and surviving!!

Just want to say thank you to all of you who helped me get to this stronger place. Could not have done it without you.

Must go, got some celebrating to do.

Harmony x

Hey my Bday was the ninth, and there was a cake to the left by my name. Where is yurs harmony?

Hey Constant.

Birthday is 20th nov, happy belated birthday to you.

H sent me a text message today;

Hi HRmony Happy Birthday. Thinking of you. Lots of love H x

I am not kidding I burst into tears when I read that message. I feel heartbroken right now xxx.

He has been 6 weeks staying somewhere with no signs he wants to come home, ad far as I am concerned he is quite happy.

Okay, why haven't you changed your cell phone number yet, oh wait, I remember, because you are NOT serious about Plan B. Seriously 6 WEEKS. My WH has been gone for 11 MONTHS. YES MONTHS. I didn't need to change my cell number because he only calls it to talk to the kids but believe me, if he had called me on it and we didn't have kids, it would be an unlisted number.

Are you serious about Plan B? You need to get serious. If you continue to do a shabby Plan B you may as well stop and just die a death of a thousand cuts.

You LOVE the attention. You CRAVE the attention. I know how hard it is to have a birthday without your WH. I went into Plan B on my 34th birthday. It was the first birthday since my 17th that I had NOT been with WH. Do you get that? 17 YEARS that I celebrated my bday with WH and SWOOSH down the toilet. I had some good times but my 34th, I am pretending that it didn't happen. I was 33 and this year, I will turn 35, no 34th bday for me. THAT is how serious I am.

Do you believe in DrH? Do you have faith that what he tells you is true?

Be honest with yourself. Did you go into Plan B to see if WH still cared? To see if he still wants to be with you? Because that isn't what Plan B is truly about.

Sorry I am being like this with you but I am a little tired of the "Poor me" vibe going on here. We have ALL been affected by adultery on this forum. We KNOW what you are going through.

Change that cell phone number and go TRULY dark.

You have to stop letting him see you, communicate to you any way, or function like anybody who has anything at all to do with your life. Thats Plan B.

Have you read about it? There are links on the newly betrayed thread that will lead you in how to do it.

See, its the way you tell him its over if he doesn't change. No excuses, time to man up. I think you have been used to allowing men in your life have excuses. Don't think that makes you a good wife and marriage material. It just makes you soft and shows you don't care about discipline. Sorry if that hurts, but its the truth.

From what I see, you are afraid of conflict, and thats what WH liked about you,and was comfortable around you too, because he could get away with crap cuz you would take it. You had solid ideas of morality and positive plans for a future that he was allowed to put on the back burner. The good kind and forgiving women at home. and the doormat too.

Then, when you had the A, because you didn't fight fair, and were really open for the attention he was supposed to give you, and you went way out and screwed yourself up with OM. Aww jeez, I guess he got mad huh? Guess that got his attention, but what price did you pay for it? You didn't win anything, in fact you lost self respect.

No plan to address the issues, make a stand, and then leave the marriage if he didn't change. Just gave up, and let yourself be controlled by OM.

You really don't believe you can do this do you? Or is it you don't want to?, and would rather take the easy way out?

I posted to you about how you needed to fight for yourself before, and maybe why you didn't based on the examples you had in your life. It doesn't change the fact you have to anyway. My observation was for your revelation not a way for you to make excuses for why you feel what you feel or do what you do.

Its a fact that we value ourselves more when others do. Self respect and love is a gift. If your parents were not capable of it, and just skirted the issue/s that you needed to survive outwardly, then go to God and get it. It seems you are forced to anyway, and these people here are to me some of His angels.

You must find the strength inside to do this alone for yourself, and that is linked to your self esteem and understanding that you are worth the fight. All the past crap and circumstances you went thru as a kid is just an example of poor teaching, and now you have the advantage of this place and people who really care about you and respect you enough to give you the truth.

All we can do is help you do it. we can't do it for you.

BTW, my comment on how being soft and not respecting disipline? ,and how being nice and forgiving does not automatically make you a good wife?. Compassion comes in many forms, one is the boot in the butt from those who love us and hate to see us mess up our life, and don't want to see us waste ours. I never wanted a pushover for a mate in marriage, nor should anyone. I wanted someone who would fight and value me and find me worth fighting for and with, if the battle was worthy.

Conflict is good Harmony, it defines us and the value we have in life, and what is important to us we fight for. There is many ways to wage battle, and sometimes its just insisting we are respected, and standing our ground, without aggression.

I am just one person on this board, and it is only my opinion, but I think the A you had was intended for aggression towards your H at some point. Is that true? What do you think? Were you mad? Were you fed up? Did you want to get even? If I am right then you have a skewed sense of how to act when hurt, and are confused as to what will bring you comfort.

I know that now you see the selfish intentions and the disregaurd for your marriage that OM had, but for awhile there you were defending him also and finding good things about him and missing him. Really Harmony what were you missing? The a was a viciuos and determined act of bitterness and deciet. You wouldn't be the first to do it for those reasons, and you won't probably be the last, but I pose the question, aren't you worth more than that?

I think your here because you know you are, and in your capacity to forgive you hope to change so it doesn't happen again. If you stay in the same mindset, it will, so changing your mind will have to come, and you will have to trust those who have what you want, a healthy set of rules and a code they live by to protect themselves, and thier marriage, which is supposed to reflect two people, who love each other as themselves.

So what comes first? You or them? You of course. God doesn't want you to sacrifice yourself for our version of love. He allready did that himself when he sent his Son to the cross. Do you see what that means? His son was perfect and it satisfied all sacrifices that we could ever give, and he was the perfect sacrifice also, and gave up more than we ever had or could have in this life. The abuse and we take, and the sacrifices we make in the name of love, are nothing compared to that, so it has been done already. We now have to learn what love is, and accept we are valuable because God says we are by His definition, not ours.

I know I sound preachy, but I am going by that old adage,"Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day, Teach him to fish and he will eat his whole life" I am talking about how you don't seem to value yourself enough, and how you let yourself fall so many times for the wrong men, and even accepted there treatment of you when you know it wasn't right in your heart. Why is that? Why did you fall apart and have an A? Why did you do that to yourself? Did you think he would feel sorry for you? That in the end you would win something?

I know these questions are hard, but they are for you to think about. Maybe you will trust in the disciplines, (root word, disciples), of God who is who should be your authority figure. It doesn't matter if you screwed up as long as you learned from it, and don't do it again, thats repentance. I do feel that if you valued yourself as God values you, you wouldn't accept half the crap that people try to sell you, and would be afraid to, because your father in heaven, who us fathers on earth must look to also and are accountable to, is the only true source that loves us, and we can trust that.

Dr H is Christian based, and marriage was the last time I looked, Gods institution. Most of the people here believe in God, and the ones who don't believe what he says about marriage anyway so same difference to me. I feel that you could gain a lot if you would draw close to Him and spend some time learning from the scriptures just how wise and deep Gods love for you is. The disciplines and depth of love you can have from God are more important than your marriage IMO because without them marriage has no value, because if you don'tlove and value yourself, what does the marriage represent anyway.

Sorry for the length of this post, but I want you to eventually love yourself and end up with a guy who loves you too, whether thats WH or not. I hope it helps you to think, and to fight for what Christ died for, you.

Don't respond to this text. Then he won't know whether you got it or not.
Change your number.

Hi Guys

Had some bad news yesterday.

I found out what it means about stopping Dads cancer treatment, the cancer has now progressed to a worse stage and they are probably giving him 12 months. Obviously I am very upset.

Dad had a long chat with about calling it a day and filing for divorce, he thinks I should contact H to meet this week and say unless we can commit y
to sorting out marriage then I intend to file for divorce. My dad just wants to see me in a better situation. I am getting a lot of pressure from my 2 sisters and mother to end the marriage.

I feel so much anger towards H right now and feel so let down. I am so confused.

I have now changed the locks and blocked his number.

Sorry to hear about your dad.

Glad you have locks changed and blocked the number.

Really sorry..