Hello newbie here, Been lurking for awhile though. First I wanted to say that my wife and I have been together for 15 years, we have no children. About 2 years ago my wife cheated on me once. It broke my heart of course and I blamed myself for not meeting her needs due to me working alot being tired etc. We have been in MC for awhile now. I decided to stay with her and work things out. So far so good.

Here is my issue/question(s), I hope someone can help. My father cheated on my mother. Not once, or twice but numerous times through out their marriage. They have been married for 52 years. I was greatly affected by his cheating, however I was more affected by mother choosing to stay with a man who had zero respect for her. Do I harbor some resentment towards them both, sure I do. More so towards her for staying. I understand it was her choice. But my question is this, what would make a person (man or woman) stay and allow that to happen to them over and over? She tells me she did what she thought she needed to do then. I think maybe it comes more from the fact she has zero self esteem or respect for herself. I wonder too if my father new this from the beginning and played on that.

Do you think someone who allows themselves to be repeatdly cheated over over and over and over again, is maybe emotionally disturbed? Where is there thinking?

I understand if a person cheats once and that spouse or both choose to stay if they are going to work on the marriage, but I do not understand the mindset of a person who would allow it and stay after its been done to them over and over.

Maybe my mother was emotionally disturbed to begin with and that's why she attracted a man that would do this over and over? Yes, he had a big hand in what he did but she did too, by allowing it over and over. Or perhaps, she became emotionally disturbed after he did what he did? I don't know.

However, because of all of that, and even though my wife cheated once, it makes me wonder if she will do it again, and will I end up weak like my mother and a doormat, for my wife to wipe her feet on while she continues on with her behavior. I sure hope not. I do not want to be like that.

Thoughts?

Shoffner, your mother might have decided that it was better for you kids to stay with him and just suffer in silence. Like you, my father was a serial cheater and my mother pretended like nothing was happening. That was very confusing to me as a child and I decided at an early age that I was a stupid girl because what obviously seemed wrong to me was not wrong to adults. I remember having those doubts as young as 4. My father left around that time but my mothers silence had a profound effect on me; I grew up very morally confused. Have you asked your mother why she tolerated that?


WEll, this is not something I would leave to chance. Hope is never a plan when it comes to fidelity. A better plan is to affair proof your marriage by creating a lifestyle that would make it almost impossible to have an affair. That means complete and total transparency, no opposite sex friendships, no overnight travel without each other. And most important is to create a romantic, passionate marriage and learn to maintain it. Taking extraordinary precautions against an affair will go a long way in preventing this from happening again.

If you DON'T do those things, it is likely it will happen again. Because if you don't repair the marriage you only have a crippled version of the marriage as it was pre-affair.

Here is what it takes to recover a marriage:

Does your whole family know about his affairs? Openly? If his affairs were kept secret by your mother, that is a big part of the reason he continued cheating. She enabled him. Affairs thrive on secrecy and when they are kept secret, affairs are allowed to persist and the adulterer never learns his lesson. The secrecy fuels the fantasy in his head about the excitement of adultery. But when they are exposed wide and far, it ruins the fantasy. It is like bringing in a crowd of people to the crack house to watch the crackheads get high. It is no fun to get high when people are watching you with disgust on their face!

Thanks so much for your reply. Also, I'm sorry your father was a serial cheater as well, but glad to know there is someone who can kind of relate.

Yes, I have talked to my mother some about all of this. She did say she did what she thought was best at the time for me and my two older sisters. She also told me, here it is 52 years later, and "I see I made the wrong choice!" I think that is so sad. It weighs heavily on her mind. I really think it consumes her thought process. They are both in their 70's and have many aches and pains and medical issues, so basically I think they lean on each other for that kind of support, and figure its to late for a divorce now, why bother, they been together this long. When I look at her, I see a lonely shell of a woman. She has told me she has been miserable through out their marriage. I just think she could have prevented herself from being miserable. I hope she wasn't going for the martyr role. IMO there is nothing to prove to be miserable and unhappy. Not only was there cheating but he did not provide any emotional support for her, he wasn't there for me and my sisters much, he CHOSE yes chose to be away working. Although I doubt some of that away time was spent working at his job. No coping skills no communication skills etc I just think there might be a little more to it than staying because she thought it was for the best at the time.

As far as my wife and myself go, we have been doing alot of what you said. Seems to be going good but there are times where that awful thing called "doubt" creeps back into my mind.

Melody, I'm so glad you asked this question, I actually was going to mention it in my OP, but was on a roll with other things. The only people that know about the affair was some of my mothers friends and her side of the family. She told me once, his side of the family never knew. I asked her why did she never tell them, she said it wouldn't have mattered. They would have never believed her. I asked why not? She says because my dad (and I can see this to be true.) Is the type of person that if he did do something others would have a hard time believing it, because he does so much for others.

He is the good guy, the guy that always helps and is there for others in a time of need(not his own family of course) He is nice, kind in his words, charming etc.

Is that a reason NOT to tell his side of the family, IMO no its not. but she chose not to because they would think he didn't do it and she made it up. I forgot to add, her friends and family that knew never said anything to him.

Unfortunately, you can't fix them, but you can learn from their mistakes and fix your own marriage. I sympathize and understand your experience. I well know the frustrations.

Just wait until your dad passes. I hope you don't have any surprises show up there like I did! My father was terminally ill and got a new girlfriend in the last 3 years of his life. I couldn't imagine how a terminally ill man could get a girlfriend.

When he died, his GF brought me picture and asked that it be displayed at his wake. I told her to leave the picture on a table and I would look at it later. This was in 2006, mind you. I looked at the picture and it was a winners circle picture [dad was a Texas horseman] with my father and his GF...........from 1979!! My dad had been married to 3-4 other women since 1979.

I asked one of his ex-wives [he had married and divorced 8 times so there were lots of exes around!] how it was that Judy had a picture of her and my dad from 1979 and she said "honey, that was your daddy's mistress for 35 years."

Surprise, surprise!

How terrible! So sorry that happened. You're right I can not change what they did or didn't do.You're right I can only fix myself and learn to not chose what they did.Personally, I couldn't see inflicting that kind of pain on a person time and time again, nor could I see myself allowing it either. BUT, in your opinion do you feel there is some kind of emotional disturbance in a persons thinking that allows that kind of behavior from a cheating spouse over and over again? Sorry, for saying "emotionally disturbed" I'm not sure of any other way to word it.

thanks for your replies Melody, anyone else care to share too?

Are you still around?

Got some suggestions for you if you are.

Mr. Wondering

Hello, yes I'm still here.

Well I don't think you need professional counseling to delve into your family of origin (FOO) issues. I think you merely need a plan and some boundaries.

The biggest relevance of your FOO issues moving forward FROM TODAY....is this fear that your wife MAY do to you what your father did to your mother. You can't change what's happened to mom and dad. They made their choices. You are an adult now and you've got to make yours. Where I do see some relevance with your FOO issues is, perhaps, not having any real training or modeling of boundaries. The whole MB plan is wonderful towards rebuilding a safe and wonderful recovered marriage but if you don't know how to establish boundaries (and your wife is reluctant to undertake MB principles) then you may be in quandary, of sorts.

There are absolutely no 100% in life. You can't control your wife but, with a plan, you can insure that you won't become your mother who regrets not leaving your father when she should have. If you stick around, you'll learn how to become the best husband you can be and hopefully LEAD your wife into a extraordinary marriage...if she refuses to come along the journey, you'll end up divorced. It's really her choice at that point. Read up on Boundaries and then set one...either you wife and you work a plan (preferably MB) or she risks losing you.

I recommend a couple things:


1. Soak up everything you can from the main website. The "basic concepts" and q&a sections are very illuminating.

2. Get His Needs/Her Needs on CD such that you can take a road trip with your wife and listen to it TOGETHER. You both can pause and discuss as you wish. Being "trapped" in a car is a great way to really focus on this stuff. If you already have the book...read it to her (not separately).

3. For yourself...supplement your MB reading with the bookBoundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

To personalize this a bit for you....back in 2005 while I was still trying to break up my wife's short affair and then later, in recovery, I continually stated that I refused to live in a loveless marriage. That was my boundary and it was instinctual (hadn't been to MB yet). I wasn't going to just stay married "for the children" as many people seem to do. I had my ticket out of the marriage (adultery) and intended to use it if things didn't change. Of course, early on this "boundary" was mocked as in "Right, like we've ever had a loving marriage (fog) or will ever have one again (naive)". I didn't state this daily or even weekly but it was stated a few times. Later even as we both read here TOGETHER on MB I'd get to say it again in conversations about other situations we'd seen here posting on MB....which was great because I got to restate a boundary essentially in the third person (you can only tell a person you are trying to fall in love with again so many times essentially shape up or I'm divorcing you). I don't recall the last time I stated it. I don't remember but my wife seems to . She reminded me of the event a few days ago...apparently it was when she had cleared enough fog for the boundary's meaning to really sink in. I had just said..."THIS isn't enough...YET" and she apparently, really really understood it that day and started demonstrating it. Maybe it was the last time...maybe it wasn't. It was certainly an emotional period in our lives so it's tough to recall.

Boundary setting effectively in these situations takes time and perseverance. It doesn't typically take effect overnight but it's so worth it in the end. Your wife's affair was quite awhile ago so you aren't dealing with as much fog however maybe your issue will be more along the lines of why are you bringing this up NOW...2 years later. You'll have to be prepared to SELL the MB plans as beneficial to both of you equally making MB NOT about her affair but insuring you BOTH achieve what you set out to achieve the day you got married (and dreamed about as children). Anything less, just isn't good enough FOR YOU.

Boundaries take time to learn about. It's not that hard....couple books and threads on the issue and you'll be up to speed. Here's a link to one of my favorite threads on the subject of boundaries for you to read in the meantime.

Link to boundaries vs. Manipulation/control � an open discussion


Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - perhaps the recovery board is more relevant to you. This "other topics" forum is kinda slow. You could click "notify" below and ask that this thread be moved to the recovery forum

Thanks, I'll check that out. Also, I understand I can not change my folks, the past or their choices. But for whatever reason I've had a hard time with their choices over the years. Its sad how peoples choices can affect another person so much.