**removed duplicate post* see below for original

I'm brand new here, just found the site tonight. Already it seems like it has information that is amazing. I don't know all of the abbreviations yet so please bear with me. I also don't know the right discussions to post in...trying to get the hang of this.

I am terrified right now. I have come to the realization that I have to tell my husband about the affair I've had. I love my husband, I truly truly do, and I am still trying to understand why I ever would have strayed. He is perfect in so many ways, why would I do this to him. We have been married for 5 years.
I am also 7 months pregnant. Especially the past 7 months he has been so amazing, which is what made me realize that the dishonesty cannot continue.

I want a clean slate for our marriage and to be able to move forward with total honesty. But I know telling him is going to hurt him more than anything in the world, and that is totally killing me. I am 99% sure that the baby is his, but I am also petrified that it is not, and now we would have to deal with that too. I am ready to drop OM. No looking back either. This news is going to devastate my husband.

I have been a horrible person, no one deserves to have this done to them. Telling him feels like the right thing but at the same time, totally wrong. I know that without honesty our marriage would suffer even more though, and if we are going to work past this I need to fess up.

Any encouragement would be appreciated, I can't stand to wait even another day to tell him.

Please help ..... Tell your Husband & strap in for the roller coaster. Also ask the moderators to move your thread to the SAA board( surving an affair ). There is a wealth of info & ton a people that will help you if you truly want the help.

Step #1

Get rid of the other man for life !!!!!!! No and ifs or buts get rid of him now !

Step #2

Tell your husband & be prepared. An affair is comparable to being raped. Your husband is going to feel things you & him wouldn't of believed possible.

Step #3

Get down on your knees & beg for forgivness. Do not just expect him to hand it over to you.

Step #4

Get a DNA test if only for your Husbands piece of mind.

Step# 5

The rest is up to you

Dear PleaseHelp411 ~
The guilt & shame you are feeling is legitimate!

Your DESIRE to "fess up" is legitimate!

Your NEED to "fess up" is legitimate!

Honesty & Openness is the "foundation" of your marriage! Without them your marriage "cannot" / "will not" survive!

8thGraders has given you the "starting point" of the process you need to employ... Please take this advice and "start"... The sooner, the better!

The OM (Other Man) MUST be dealt with NOW! Restoring love in your marriage CANNOT begin UNTIL he is 100% HISTORY!!!!!

After you sever ALL communication with him you must have NO contact with him, physically, emotionally, messages, in ANY way... PERIOD!

Once you have begun the "process" by removing OM from your life, you will be prepared to restore "Love" and "Trust" with your H.

HOWEVER ~ ~ ~ (And, this is important) ~ ~ ~ In order for you to know for sure that your baby is not OM's, you will HAVE to have a DNA test that will eliminate him from being your baby's father. If your baby IS OM's, you and your H will have to deal with the repercussions! TOGETHER! OM will, of course, be in your lives if this is the case. It is a "fact" that you will have to accept & deal with! That is why it is vital that you find out NOW if OM is the father...

Does OM "think" the baby is his? If he does, he will NOT allow you to simply change your mind/walk away WITHOUT knowing for sure that he is NOT the father!

I like the "Roller Coaster" illustration 8Graders gave. You are climbing into the car that is going to take you to peaks that will scare you! And terrifying depths that will cause you to "think" that you are going to die!

Just hang on... You will NOT die! You are going to experience severe consequences of your choices, for sure... However, you will NOT die!

Come back to this forum often... There are so many people who are much more qualified than me to help you through this! Just know that you are NOT alone!

We care about you, Please! You ARE worthy of redemption, no matter WHERE you have been/WHAT you have done!

God Bless ~

The way you know it was wrong to have an affair. Just the way your gut feeling is telling you the right thing to do is to tell your BH.

How did you meet the OM?

How old and how long have you been married?

How long has this affair gone on?

Is this your first child?

You must write and send a NC letter, then have BH edit if necessary and he sends it.

The OMW must be told as well.

Then you can suggest that your BH checks out the MB site. It would be best that you don't ead each others posts.

When you tell your BH do not trickle truth him. Answer all his questions, let him control the level of detail that he needs.

Thanks to all for your supportive responses so far. I truly am terrified of the conversation, but I am more terrified of what will happen if I do not have the conversation. Why have I done this to such a good man? When we have an amazing life ahead of us???

I do like the roller coaster analogy. Even now, before Ive said anything I feel like the terror is so strong that I may die. And I would be lying if I said I didn't think about harming myself.

I'm so afraid of answering his questions, I would take everything back in half a second if I could.

To answer your questions, OM is someone who works at the same company as me. H has met him but we never interact socially really. First time something happened was several years ago. It was really more motional than anything else. Nothing had been going on for a long time, until an encounter a few months ago. We did not have sex, which is why I'm pretty certain the baby is not OMs, but you know...you never know right? I fully intend to get a DNA test as soon as possible. H and I have been married for 5 years, we're in our 30s. Our relationship has always been great, which is why I really dont understand why I would do something like this.

Its hard to believe I have been so destructive. This does not even feel like my life. I want to be confident that my H will work through this, but I suppose there really is no way of knowing that for sure, and whatever outcome there is, I created it and I deserve it.

I have a feeling I will be on these boards a lot. I will not be able to do this without support. I have not told any family members or friends so I really am alone right now.

If you are ready to drop OM, then why haven't you? If you can't wait another day to tell your H, then why haven't you told him yet?

Your H has every right to know about his life. Tell your H right away, about everything, leaving nothing out, with all honesty, including the possibility that you are not absolutely sure that the baby is his. Get the DNA test and also STD tests, show those results to your H.

Leave OM immediately. Recoverying from the affair is possible, yet also very individual, but for starters, tell your H everything.

Hi pleasehelp, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are doing the right thing! This will be hard on your husband, but it is the first step towards salvaging your marriage.

The most important thing, after telling your husband, will be to end all contact with your OM and inform his wife, if any. Who is this OM? Do you work with him?

LadyP-

I think I know what you mean...in the conversation, make it about him, not about how I feel, right? And don't try to dispute any emotional responses that he will have?

Is this right?

Oh, you have 2 threads going on, one here and the other one under Surviving an Affair. It gets confusing.

Please hit the Notify and ask moderators to help you to combine your threads or something under Surviving an Affair section.

Thanks Niitse I will do that now, didnt know how before.

Hi all, sorry for the confusion. I had another thread going in the general discussion forum but Ive asked them to move it here.

Threads have been merged.

Not necessarily.

Bigger question: pleasehelp, if you didn't have sex how could there be any question that the baby is your H's? I'm confused.

You must leave your job immediately.

Marital Bliss-
There was some fooling around with OM(I feel like I'm 15). I know the chances are remote that pregnancy could occur from this as I truly don't believe that any fluid was transferred, thats why I said I'm 99% sure its not OMs. BH is the only person I have had sex with.

Don�t try to use the Bill Clinton approach. If you were close enough that �bodily fluids� were involved then you had sex! I bet that�s what your husband will say!

Gotcha. Well, either way, you need to tell your H everything and plan on having the DNA test done, regardless. You'll need to do that to reassure your BH that the child is his.

I'm not trying to be coy with the fluid transfer comment. I'm not trying to Bill Clinton this, I was just trying to be tactful in my description for the sake of the forum.