You're doing fine, pleasehelp. We understand.

PH; please don't worry about being tactful. This sounds like fog babble. Either you had sex or you didn't. If there's even an inkling that your baby could be OMs, yes even one percent, then you had sex period. Don't try to minimize it. If you're doing that here on an anonymous forum then what will you be telling your BH?

It is not necessary for OM EVER to be told that he is the the bio father if he does not know that you are pregnant and already suspect that the child is his. If he does not know or suspect, then say nothing to him to rouse his interest in the child.

You are your H must do a DNA test so that your H knows that truth about the child, and can make a decision on recovering his marriage with full knowledge of the circumstances.

However, in the case that your H is not the bio father, if you and your H want to restore your marriage and bring up the child together, the bio father must never be told about the child. If he already knows he should be forced go to law to establish involvement in the child's life. Do not give in to any demands for contact without a court order.

As I understand it from my position here in the UK, the laws on establishing paternity vary from state to state in the USA, but there has been at least one significant case in the USA that blocked OM from forcing a DNA test. The reason seemed to be that the child of the marriage is the husband's child by law, and no outsider has the right to challenge that.

Therefore, even if OM does suspect that the child is his, there is a chance that you can stop him from legally investigating the possibility, and you can therefore maintain NC for life.

It would, of course, require tremendous commitment from your H to accept a child that he knows is not his for life, even in the event of a later divorce. He would be accepting financial liability for that child until adulthood. He would not be able to deny paternity in, say, 5 years' time if you divorced.

If you discover that your H is not the father, then HE can move to establish that fact legally, and you can both pursue a financial contribution from OM. No doubt some husbands feel that OM should face liability for the child, and would like insurance against being financially liable themselves in the event of divorce, or financial hardship as a couple.

However, your H needs to learn about the realities of establishing OM as the bio father and remaining married. OM would be able to take the child for visits - including overnights from a certain age - which would be unpleasant for you, H and the child. Losing the child once a week and every other weekend would be a permanent reminder of the affair, and permanent breach in your family life.

If OM is never given knowledge of the child, and if you build a good (MB) marriage, then there is a good chance that your H will love the child as his own and not see it as an affair reminder.

If OM does not know, do not tell him, unless you and H decide to divorce. Contact between OM and the child will be detrimental to your marriage.

What are you saying? If other man is the father, keep it a secret? If he finds out sue him for support? Not very moral or ethical is it?

This is what Dr Harley advises:

There are many important issues to consider in deciding your future together. If your daughter were your only child, and if your wife were still in love with her ex-lover, who happened to be single and wanted to marry her, I would lean toward encouraging you to divorce. But since she is the mother of your two children, no longer loves her ex-lover, and wants to save her marriage, I would encourage you to remain married and raise all three children together.

This seems to suggest that, even though there are no other children, Dr Harley would not encourage your H to divorce you. You are not still in love with our ex-lover. I don't know whether he is single and still pursuing you; is he?

So, if there is a good chance that your marriage can recover from the affair and be rebuilt, here is Dr Harley's advice for dealing with OM (if he is the bio father):

If you decide to remain married and create a mutually enjoyable future together, then the next decision you will need to make is how to treat Robin's former lover. Should he become a part of your family, with visitation rights as well as financial responsibility for raising his daughter? Or should he be out of your lives entirely?

As with the issue of divorce, this one should also be decided by enthusiastic agreement. But if you want my advice, I usually encourage a couple in your situation to keep the ex-lover away from your family. It may be difficult to engineer, but it is very important for Robin to try to avoid seeing or talking to him ever again. Granted, the affair may be over, but I am always concerned about the possibility of it becoming rekindled. If, for some reason, it is impossible to keep him away from his daughter, I suggest that you act as an intermediary, so that whenever he visits, he does not see or talk to Robin.

The above advises you to keep OM away from the child if at all possible, so do not tell him about the test result, and do not give in to his demands for a test, or for access, if he ever makes them. Let a court decide on this.

What to Do When You (or Your Spouse) Becomes Pregnant with a Lover's Child

Another recent post by Dr Harley about this issue:

Keep it a secret from HIM, yes. This is based on Dr Harley's advice, if the couple wishes to recover their marriage.

I did not say this. Please show me what I wrote that suggested this.

I am applying Dr Harley's advice here. This forum is Marriage Builders, where people come to get help with Dr Harley's programme. Dr Harley's advice enables a couple to recover from an affair and build a strong marriage. OM was an interloper in the marriage and should be kept out of it from now on, if the couple wants to rebuild. This isn't my personal or ethical agenda, and neither should it be yours. This is Marriage Builders.

Neither OM or WW behaved "ethically", but the FWW has the chance to do so from now on, by protecting the BH who wants to raise her child from ever having OM in his life again.

[color:#663366][b]Dear Please ~

Yes! Make the conversation about H & his "feelings"... That does NOT negate YOUR "feelings" though!

Your "feelings" of shame, guilt, remorse, fear, etc. are "legitimate"! They definitely need to be conveyed to him!

Your "process" needs to include both of your feelings!

Do you have a trusted friend or, better, a pastor, that you can share this with before you reveal the truth about your affair with your H? I am wondering if it would be advisable for you to share your revelation with a third party present...

I trust there will be people who will send advice regarding a third-party approach...

Hang in there, girl!
YOU CAN DO THIS...

Prayers are coming your way!
God Bless ~

This wasn�t a dig at you SC; I just wanted clarification on this passage.

�If you discover that your H is not the father, then HE can move to establish that fact legally, and you can both pursue a financial contribution from OM. No doubt some husbands feel that OM should face liability for the child, and would like insurance against being financially liable themselves in the event of divorce or financial hardship as a couple�.

I understand what you are saying. But,if the child were mine, regardless of the circumstances, I would want to know.

�It is not necessary for OM EVER to be told that he is the bio father if he does not know that you are pregnant and already suspect that the child is his. If he does not know or suspect, then say nothing to him to rouse his interest in the child�.

Regardless of who did what in the marriage, and who�s trying to save or rebuild the marriage, I wouldn�t want that on my conscience.
I apologize if I offended.

I haven't dug through too many of the message boards yet, but I am curious for those of you who were on the "W" side and not the "B" side whether you felt similarly to how I feel (or maybe the better question is whether my feelings are normal). I truly and deeply care about my H and really don't want to hurt him (though obviously I should have been considering that all along, i know). Its hard not to jump automatically to the fact that he deserves better than me...I guess I hold out hope that he will want to work it out but that really is not a given, nor would I deserve that.

How/when did you decide to tell your BS? How do you know when its the right time? I don't know why it has taken me so long.

Eh?

It is only possible for you to have become pregnant by the OM if his semen entered your vagina. That implies sex. If you did not have sex, then it's not possible to be pregnant by the OM.

I suspect that you probably had oral sex, and don't really want to consider that as sex. Am I correct?

I can tell you that if you did engage in oral sex, that's going to be just as damaging, if not more, to your BH, and you'd better not trickle-truth it after D-Day either. I've often gone through the scenarios on D-Day under which I'd have opted for D, and finding out that my WW was wetting OM's wick at the office was one of them.

Man In Motion-
Its a technicality for pregnancy purposes, but during our foreplay there is a small chance that some semen entered my vagina. While intercourse never occurred I'm erring on the side of total caution here.
For practical purposes, call it what you want, I know none of it will be easy for BH.

That would be an intrusion on what should be a very private moment. The only reason to involve a 3rd party is if the BS is violent.

Look. If the hotdog was in the FREAKING BUN it WAS FREAKING SEX!!!!!!

There is no way semen traveled from your chin to your vaginal canal, nor from your palms - it is not sentient, it does not travel.

Quit beating around the bush. You had sex, and he didn't finish.

I concur with Melody Lane on this. Except if the husband has a record of, or tendency toward, physical violence, I don't see the benefit of having a 3rd-party present. There's some tough discussion that 411 needs to have with her husband, and the presence of another person strikes me as likely to inhibit completely honest/transparent expression of feelings and exchange of information.

411, I think it'll benefit you to have enough backbone & forthrightness to be able to confess to your husband on your own. Otherwise, there's a chance that he'll think you only told him because someone else was around to shove up a broomstick in lieu of your spine. Affairs get started & stay going in large measure because of a lack of spousal communication. Look: You talked with this man before you took his ring & married him. You shared feelings, hopes, dreams and fears. You need to get into that habit again, starting now.

GloveOil, I appreciate your perspective very much. My H is not violent, at least that is one thing I am not worried about. I don't want a 3rd party there. if we are going to build this back, we have to do it with the 2 of us.