writer, I found this issue addressed in one of Dr Harley's articles..

here

Thanks for finding that. I guess I'm trying to figure out the practicalities of HOW to do that? Right now, our OC is only 2, so she doesn't understand much of anything that we say. I don't think there would be a way to explain that to her right now in any way that would be meaningful to her. It just seems complicated to explain the situation. Obviously, she calls my H "daddy" and in her world, he is the only "daddy" she has. His name is on the birth certificate. She has my H's last name. The OM isn't anyone she will ever see or have any sort of interactions with. It's so hard to even imagine how to bring something like this up.

writer, I gather that is the scenario in the case in the article. I don't think the OC is in contact with the OM either. Maybe you just have to use your judgement to determine when she would understand something like that? Maybe 7 or 8? I dunno.


How is your son?????

7 or 8 sounds doable. Right now, we're still working on getting her to understand how to pick up her toys and not throw her food on the floor.

My son is doing great. He's loving having access to modern technology again. He's been on the computer and texting all of his friends on his cellphone all morning.

W1

Pops won't admit it and offers a bunch of reasons why he has not gone the NC route. I say he wanted to make the OM pay CS as revenge. Did he think it through. Because what can happen did the OM then went for shared custody making NC impossible.

I think the WW in this case stayed put to rebuild because she had a large family that the OM would not be able to take care of and she could not take care of the family without pops either.

So you have a BH bent on revenge in the form of CS. WW had to give in on this because life without pops would be extremely difficult to raise the family.

Pops has not done any of the things that MB says should be done. He allowed OM to have continued contact with his WW. He has chosen to not move away from the OM. He has allowed the OM children and his children (I don't mean the OC) to interact. Pops has allowed the OM to coach his kids. I wish I could remember more.

I am not pops, nor do I speak for him

I am , however, in his position - sort of.

My H had an A with a local married woman. Both families have long roots in this small community and trust me MOWH and myself were the last to find out. Everybody knew.

When an OC complicated an already ugly situation, everyone knew what was up.

Public perception of how this mess "should" be handled varies. I did not feel that it was fair to uproot my teenage children from family, school and their lives to move away. MOW obviously stood her ground.

I am, btw, a believer in NC. I do, on the other hand, know others who have made C work. My belief in NC is a selfish belief that I matter most. At some point, I had to wake up and realize that the OC didn't ask for this, either.

Also, for me to say "choose me over the kid" is not in my nature.

I consulted here, a priest, a counselor.. you name it.

In the end, I can not, nor do I wish to control others. Some may say that that is the attitude that opened my relationship up to an affair. I disagree.

So, in short, I am a NC believer who has C. In the end, it is messy for me personally, but I do feel that I have come out of this with more dignity than if I would have turned and ran.

As far as pops allowing OM to coach his kids, etc.. that's a long story. But food for thought tells me, that my own children were not once told they could not go somewhere or do something if I thought there was a chance that MOW or her kids would be there. To me, that was punishing my children, who did nothing wrong.

Piece of the hurt pie to tell them no? Yeah, maybe...but guess what? Their father was a willing participant in this mess. Those that call the OM/OW the interloper are forgetting that. I suppose if you want to make it equal across the board, I could have prevented them from being around their father or ever speaking to the brother that the entire world knows they have.

Can we just say that this is truly the hardest thing to deal with in infidelity? It's also very hard to have others who have never lived through it tell you how wrong you are for making something work.

That being said, I respect MB greatly... I also respect a poster named FF - who MB publicly said was "doomed" likely more than any other poster here. When you put the human part into these boards, it saves lives not just marriages.



Eibrab

TheRoad,

Ok, you have finally done it. *****EDIT***** You don't know Pops situation although you could have had you done your homework. You said

***********EDIT**********

Take the time to do your homework. This issue of CS was discussed long and hard on this site, and Pops made a very good and well reasoned decision about CS. In fact, I would thought him a fool to have decided otherwise and so would Dr. Harley if he were consulted.

Pops is right about somethings one of which is that life is NOT BLACK AND WHITE. Finances, health, and other family members are in fact part of the decision process and that rarely if ever leads to black and white solutions.

************EDIT************
JL

PS: Strong message to follow.

I am kind of wondering why everyone here urged me not to pursue the OM in my case for CS, but seem to support Pops decision to do so.

Now, I have been out of a job for 2 years, my house is in foreclosure, my H and I are making an appointment with a lawyer to discuss filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy, and I don't even know where I'll be living in a couple of months.

I'm confused.

I'm just repeating pops own words here. I did not put those words in his mouth. He can justify that going for CS and allowing C all he wants. So pops and I disagree. I did not make up that he refused to move, that he allowed contact between OM kids and his, that he allowed the OM to coach his kids, and don't give it was a small town he had no option, he opted to not move and give the OM legal footing to keep himself in his families life.

JL if you agree that doing those things were for the best then you are entitled to your position.

writer, it is BECAUSE of pops situation and Dr. H's stance on NC that we DID encourage you to go NC and not seek CS. Do you really, really, really want to open the door to visitation with OM for your precious child? I wouldn't, not for a million $$$. Pops has been very open over the years about his regret of opening that door. He did it because of health concerns. He has a family history of young deaths for the males in his family, if I remember correctly. He feared leaving his FWW with no means to support 5 children. I have seen him state at times he regrets doing so. Unfortunately, as I told my FWH you cannot unring the bell.

C my friends is messy, complicated and makes it very hard to recover an M fully from the A. I am a hard and fast believer in NC though WE have C. Most of the communication with xOW is now through me though my H still does 90% of the d/o and p/u's. Emotionally face to face C is very hard on me. xOW has been very cooperative and tries not to have unnecessary C. Let me tell you though it is going to take years for me to recover from all the contact behind my back that happened prior to us having official visitation.

writer, your decision is the best for your marriage long term.

We are locking this thread now. Let's get back to business, folks!