No, I am a BS and my H did not have an OC..

""""""""" You cause harm to newcomers when you substitute your own personal opinion""""""""""""

again show me where i ever advised anyone to follow my choices.



"""""""""""No, I am a BS and my H did not have an OC..""""""""


Hate to be the bearer of bad news but no matter how hard you want to try and say they are the same when you add the oc to the A it changes the dynamics enormously

don't believe me? try walking in Eibrab's, FF's, Delean's or Lebelle's shoes

i don't see where asking a question qualifies as a lecture

and i love the little picture of you that you keep including. is that a lazy eye condition?

""""""""In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure."""""""

here's another shocker. not everyone can financially afford a move to another state.

also many courts will prevent that move once an OC is involved

again it's not black and white

***edit***

good night

PLEASE!

Can we PLEASE stick to MarriageBuilders principles & concepts when offering suggestions and advice to newcomers? Or to those still struggling?

Newcomers are here to learn Dr Harley's MarriageBuilders Program. Members should not have to debate the advantages of following this path with other members that have used another road, distracting from the original new poster's situation.

Newbies have enough chaos & confusion in their life without adding more by offering conflicting advice.

Do I need to post it again for you? I would be glad to do it.
You posted on a newcomers thread telling her nc was not essential and even chastised other members as having "myopic arrogance" for posting a very basic MB concept.


I agree. But you and I both know you don't understand the first thing about those dynamics because you don't understand how dangerous contact is to your marriage. Instead of taking less risks, you take more. The result is an unrecovered marriage that is at risk of a resumed affair. A marriage that is on the verge of separation, btw.



Oh yes it certainly is. Did you listen to Dr Harley's radio show today? He is very black and white when it comes to ending all contact with the affair partner in OC situations. You are grey, he is black and white. Shall we compare your track records?

pops

I don't remember on which post it was. What I remember was that you and your WW where in a low spot. WW was tired of dealing with the OM. Tired enough that her being dragged down was dragging you with her.

Enough to make you anwser my question that if you could do it over now you would of went NC with the OM to avoid having to deal with the OM now.

I wish I could find that post now.

pops

Your OC is 9 and would appreciate how she has learnt about the OM being her dad, what she has learnt, how she has reacted to you not being her dad while you where still married to her mom prior to her conception.

How old when did she found out?

At what age did visitation start with OM?

As a 9 year old does OC understand what an affair is, what her mom and OM did to you?

Does she ever need to discuss the situation?

What is her take on the situation?

ML..

Respectfully, you are suggesting that my children pay the price for a deed their father chose to do. No one has ever walked up to MOW and greeted her.

No, it isn't rocket science. It's a small town, and I will not allow my children to wear a badge of shame over something their father did.

A teenage boy's sport may be of small importance to you, but to him..it is the world.

Dignity comes into play here..trust me..it seems as if attending these things is harder on my H as he feels the shame of everyone knowing. Oh, and the more we "came out" of the hiding that you suggest we should have maintained..the more the MOW went in. Now, she isn't ever seen in public.

This is my world, too.. not just the world of those that did this.

I believe in MB and the NC, but I do not believe that NC means we hide.

I do appreciate your opinions,
Eibrab

Eibrab, your children will pay a much bigger price if they are not protected from that risk.
His parent's marriage is "the world." A divorce would rock his world; missing a sport would soon be forgotten. We have had many kids, even teenagers, have to drop out of sports for this very reason. It didn't hurt them. But what would have hurt them is if their parents had divorced over a resumed affair. That is just a foolish risk, eibrab.

For those of you who don't understand the risks of no contact, please take the time to listen to Dr Harley's radio show from yesterday. It will rebroadcast until 1:00 cst today and then you can get it from archives. He discusses this very issue of contact with the OP when there an OC involved.

Some of Dr Harley's quotes about the importance of no contact:
Entire article here

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

If anyone is interested, here is the radio show link where Dr Harley discusses NC with an OP when there is an OC - after 11-23 it can be found in the 11-22-10 archives: here. Folks need to know that Dr Harley is VERY black and white about this issue. There are no fuzzy gray areas when it comes to no contact.

Not to me. I now have a freshman student playing a varsity sport, who works hard to maintained a 4.8 gpa so that he can be a scholarship recipient.

ML, THAT's his life...not running from his father's bad judgement.



I have explained to you that my COM have no dealing with the XMOW. But, I will not ask them to hide or hinder their lives out of fear of running into her. If they do run into her, they can keep on running..just not OVER her, lol.

I asked an 82 year old respected priest once how I should handle a chance meeting with XMOW. He told me that very same thing... keep on walking, you don't owe her a thing "don't say hi, but don't slap her either."

I can't imagine saying to my teenage COM..we can't go there, because if we do and we see XMOW or dad should see XMOW, well that means he's going to leave us again...

Guess what? He can go. E doesn't put her kids dreams in the toilet because their father put his fantasies somewhere else.

I've done alot wrong..and in coming here and sharing what has worked and has not, I may help someone from making the same mistake.


I appreciate what you are trying to do here, but to say I am foolish doesn't hold much credence in this category. That said, I respect your opinion and will leave it at that.

Eibrab

BUT....you didn't consult a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in such situations; one who has a 40 year track record of saving 1000's of marriages. And that is the problem. We have seen affairs take off time and time again because no contact was not observed. And it is your life to ruin, Eirab, that is your right. You have every right to take foolish risks with your marriage.


Just as long as you don't peddle your own dangerous views about no contact to newcomers here at Marriage Builders. People come here to learn about Marriage Builders, not our own risky personal philosophies. We have to remember that this forum is for Marriage Builders. Sugarcane put it best yesterday to another poster over on SAA:

Can you explain to me where you are coming up with all this C? And did you miss the part where I stated that I sought counsel?

If I sit my high school freshman son down tonight after his basketball scrimmage and explain to him that he must drop out of public high school and leave this team that he earned a spot on tonight to become home schooled and that he cannot participate in any recreational activities for fear of XMOW and/or her children may be in the same 300 foot gym... oh and my daughter, who is in her first year of an academic scholarship to a public university not far from here, that she must drop out because there is a state highway that runs by the college and XMOW or her family may be driving down that highway someday..

Will you then stop calling me foolish?

Btw, to all.. I realize that the above paragraph may hold the record here at MB for a run-on sentence.. I apologize.

ML, I choose to live.

What other aspects of OC life interest you? I'd be happy to answer any questions because you have not lived this..I know it can be confusing. Just please be respectful and stop calling me foolish.

The lesson I choose to represent, which in no way, contradict's any MB teaching is a simple one. You can make it through this. You will survive. I am not advocating anything else.

Eibrab

E,

I don't believe at this point ML is saying you need to change what you are doing. I believe from reading this exchange that she is asking that you, pops, myself and anyone else with C continue to advise people HERE on MB that NC is the right path to healing your M after an A.

I would not visit my messy life upon anyone, not even my worst enemy. I don't post here as often as I used to however I do maintain that Dr. H is absolutely correct that NC is the best way. Your stubborn H and mine left us with little choice in the matter. It was either break up the homes of our COM or live with someone else's rotten choices.

Yes, actually you did contradict MB when you said this:


you posted this on the thread of a newcomer who came here seeking Marriage Builders advice:


And then a moderator came on the thread and asked the posters to stick to Marriage Builders. And I did not call YOU foolish, but rather your advice that contact is sometimes ok. It is not ok and that is a foolish, risky path that can't be defended.

Anyway, I would just point you to the thread at the top of this forum about sticking to Marriage Builders principles if you are going to post here. Other posters should not have to spend their time debating bad advice when newcomers come here for help.

Exactly! Newcomers come here to get Marriage Builders advice. I well know that people play chicken and survive, but is it wise to tell others that playing chicken is a good thing?? Of course not! It is irresponsible.

Eirab, the fact that I or Dr Harley "has not lived this" does not mean that Dr Harley is wrong about maintaining no contact. He is ADAMANT about no contact and has saved many marriages over his career. He is a professional with a long successful track record and you are not in any position to dispute his tried and true advice. In fact, if you want to know how it is done correctly, I would strongly suggest you go download his radio segment from yesterday, 11-22 on this very subject.

I cannot begin to count the affairs that resumed over and over again from ignoring this step. Why you would advise anyone to follow that path is beyond my comprehension.

But the bottom line is that what is posted on the thread at the top of this forum: stick to Marriage Builders concepts when you post to others or refrain from posting.

ML..

If you read the quote from me that you copied and pasted, it distinctly says that I am a NC believer who has C.

I have not ever advocated C in any way.

You have waged this personal agenda to show me that I have C because I live in the same community as my H's OW.

At what point are you coming up with my advice to play chicken?

Because I didn't run?

ML, I have a feeling that you have a personal need to always be right. It is not my intention to prove you wrong here.

It is my sole intention to show anyone out there suffering that you can survive this and you do not have to hide in a hole for the rest of your life because of it.

What's that line in "Elf" ? "Go ahead and call me an elf one more time, my friend ".. lol, go ahead and keep calling me foolish if it makes you feel better.

Respectfully,

Eibrab

Oh for pete�s sake Melody Lane? Where are you getting that I am advising C?

Will you please stop this ?

I am going to try and refrain from posting to you anymore because I think you are intent on twisting my words. Odd..

Foolishly,

Eibrab

Actually you did. You posted this to a newcomer on our board:


S

Eirab, I have already proven you wrong. I don't have a need to be right, I am right about no contact. Anyone who says that a little contact is right is simply.......wrong. And you can't defend it. I have been on this board for 10 years and have seen untold affairs start up again from ignoring Dr Harley's advice about nc. So why would you advise newcomers to ignore that sound advice? Because you have a vested interest in ignoring no contact?

And yes, I do have an agenda. My agenda is to help people save their marriages using Marriage Builders concepts. My agenda is to stop you from using Dr Harley's board to mislead newcomers with risky, foolish advice. If you aren't going to help newcomers learn Marriage Builders, then you might want to do what the moderators said and that is refrain from posting to newcomers.

Here is what you posted to a newcomer on this forum:

Originally Posted By: TheRoad
No.

And don't have to have one to know that there needs to be NC with the OP.

here