Hello everyone,

Not a lot happening right now. The boys are slowing down with football, Hannah is improving with grades and discipline...she also just turned 15 on Sunday. I can't believe how fast time has gone by.

Right now, we are all excited about going to my parents for Thanksgiving!!! Two more weeks of school and then I'll have a whole week of freedom from work. I can't wait. Right now I have some kind of sinus thing going on and it's making me miserable.

I weight in tomorrow, so I'm hoping for some more weight loss...not sure if I'll make 200 by Thanksgiving, but I'm going to try.

I was thinking about you all weekend. How are you doing?

So, the boys are slowing down with Football? Does that mean that you can go back to being dark? I am assuming that your silence on the subject means that you have been seeing WH at the games, even if from afar. My wish for you is to be able to get back to darkness soon.

I hope you are doing okay.

Scotland,

I have to break my silence and say that I have not been dark at all. About 4 weeks ago, my husband contacted me through my IM and the IM (my brother) let the message through. Basically, my husband said that he was sorry for all the pain that he caused me and that God was working on him and in his life. He felt he needed to say that.

I inturn contacted him and back and forth back and forth. I was standing firm on my conditions until he said he would start with reading HNHN and counsel with the Harley's. Since that time, he has finished the book...I read it again just to be fresh on the topics. Anyway, we've not counseled with the Harley's...mainly because of money on my part.

In a nutshell, he won't commit to coming back home. He said, the he will but he needs more time.

I know what everyone thinks....you don't have to say it, but I'm sure you will and I'm sure I need it.

My van broke down and the engine seized.....I was in a real mess. Of course,since I'm on speaking terms with WS, he had his backup car washed and filled with gas....he brought it to me to use. I was very appreciative since I have no one else to depend on.

I am very scared. Our divorce goes to dismissal on December 14. I don't know if there are still ways to drag this out or what.

I hate I'm here.....I'm lost again.

I did get to 205 with my weight.....5 lbs to go to my goal before Thanksgiving. I'm thankful to God for his help through all this.

I pray and pray asking for direction, but I'm not getting a clear picture.

If your new and reading this....don't go by my example. I'm eternally weak and out of line with MB principles. I'm sorry.

Hi there,
Okay a little slip up, but doesn't mean you can't get back to the plan.........
Don't worry about the divorce anything can be redone in the future.......
Keep on living the best life for you. If he gets on board or comes to his senses if he doesn't you will be fine..............
You are stronger now .......

HopeE, I will say that I am NOT surprised. Usually, when a poster is quiet for as long as you have been, it is because of a break in Plan B, and not in a good way.

Where did all of this back and forth with your WH get you? I would say that it got you a whole hill of PAIN. And, what did it do to those poor children? How confusing to them.

And the million dollar question, Is your WH still seeing OW?

Sometimes I think even that little bit of contact they have with you somehow fulfills some kind of emotional need on their part. It does nothing for you (I know). Stick to your plan; the use of the back-up car is only right since you are the primary caregiver for his children.
But I would definitely stick to your demands and return to plan B. JMHO.

I know what I'm supposed to do, but it's like Paul says.."I look in the mirror and then turn and forget what I look like" and when he says, "Why do I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want to do."

Scotty,

He is not seeing OW....from what I've gathered from others at his workplace....whatever was there is gone. She won't speak to him or have anything to do with him. Supposedly, it occured after my DD15 sent that text to her from late in the summer.

He has agreed to counseling with the Harleys and he is now reading Lovebusters. We've done nothing but talk and that has been limited to the children and HNHN...dicussing the book. My main thing is his not coming home yet.

I think it's more about the peace and quiet than it is the OW. I know I lowered the bar.

This is AWESOME Hope!! Let the Harleys do what they do best! Ask THEM about what you should be doing right now.

This can either be a turn-around point or it can lead to a false recovery.

Have you thought about calling into the radio program if you can afford coaching right this minute? Heck, if I had the $$, I'd give it to you!

He probably SHOULDN'T come home right now until everything is in place for recovery (and the bar is up there).

Ha!

Let me help with this.

WH will commit to non committal.

I'm not going to 2X4 you.

I am going to ask you, nicely, to gently & gracefully & kindly, shut the Plan B door.

Plan B has had an effect, but now that you've opened the door for a "peek" inside, it's time to shut that door again.

It's NOT time for WH to come home.
Remember, if you need him too much, he will be less likely to meet your conditions of surrender.

You extended the conditional olive branch.
He understands that olive branch.

Now, close the door again, which is EXACTLY what WH said he "needs" ....

.... GRANT his request.

Your WH NEEDS more time in Plan B.

ITA. hope, you understand that breaking Plan B actually HURTS your chances for recovery more than it helps them?

It's time to get back to a pitch black Plan B. It's your only hope. (no pun intended)

HopeE:

I would say that your break in Plan B darkness to discuss HNHN, and LoveBusters, and maybe counseling with the Harleys are good things to break it for, temporarily...

Now you have to go back. Send him your Plan B letter, again, and state simply that it time for him to PROVE that he is ready to do what is needed to correct this.

Counseling with the Harleys? Let him set it up. He can make the call and talk to SH all by himself. You can join the conversation, later.

There is a way back. The Plan B letter should show him the way home. He has taken some steps along that road. Make sure he takes the rest.

LG

Oh I agree about returning to Plan B and having WH instigate the Harley counseling is a wonderful idea!

HopeE, IF he is really serious about what he says, he will take ACTION (without you guiding him). He will do WHATEVER is necessary to redeem himself and restore his marriage.

I say get him the coaching information through your IM and let him do the work. In the meantime, you return to your plan B... and pray.

Oh please, are you TRYING to piss us all off? LOL

For me in order to gain weight all I need to do is eat lots and lots of carbs. That's it. Pretty simple.

You must be quite tall if you need to gain this much weight?

I weighed this morning and I'm now at 202. I have 3 more days to get to my goal of 200 by Thanksgiving!!!

I'm going to my parents for a much needed break. WH told our children today that he was coming back home...still no date. I know I'm compromising on the coming home and it may bite me in the butt.

I appreciate everyone and I hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving.

Just saw your message, MF...and no, I'm not very tall. I'm only 5'1". But my body shape demands that I have a few extra pounds so I don't look emaciated.


I would honestly prefer being 200 and needing to lose weight than having to be this size...

Okay, I'm going to go build a bunker now. I'll be drawing all sorts of hostile fire...

HopeE, you know we will support you in your efforts to recover your marriage but HONESTLY it is BAD BAD BAD to have your WH move in too soon and with a LOW bar. You NEED to set the bar HIGH. Have you read the thread by New Petals? She was in a FR and now she has pretty much given up any hope for recovering her marriage because SHE doesn't want to anymore. She is so sick of everything that he has put her through.

Please, I wouldn't want a False Recovery for you or for you to no longer WANT to save your marriage. You are worth MORE. Please, don't just fall into it.

You have a HUGE resource in ML IRL, I think you should take advantage of it. Your brother IM should send your WH messages through to her to see if he is serious and you should go back into your DARK PLan B.

Give DrH a shout. Write to his wife for the radio show and see if you can get on there and talk about specifics for YOUR sitch.

BTW, CONGRATS on the weight loss. AWESOME JOB. Now, you gonna go eat a whole cheesecake? NOPE. That would be CRAZY after you have worked so hard to get to where you are today.

Thanks scotty for your support and believe me I know the value of melody lane and you and others on here. I could have never made it to where I am without you guys. You all are one the blessings that I will be thanking God for this Thanksgiving.

I won't eat a whole cheesecake...LOL but this wellness program gave us tips for not overdoing it on the big day. One thing is to limit ourselves to two starches on the big day. Then, eat all the vegges and meat first....then dive into the starces. I tried this last night at a little Thanksgiving dinner I had last night. I put on my plate....turkey, green beans, salad, mashed potatoes and dressing. I avoided the roll, cranberry sause (lots of sugar) and dessert.

I ate all the veggies and turkey and then went back for more salad....I had a few bites of potatoes and dressing and then gave the rest to my kids. It really worked. In the past I would have put as much as I could on my plate and then go back for more.

It feels so good to buy clothes....something I always avoided lik the plague. Every month, I try to get a few things....about 10 more lbs and I'll be in a 12. These last 25 pounds are going to be difficult, but I'm pumped. After Christmas, we go into phase II of our program.

I will say that WH is looking for another job...to get away from OW and to increase our income. He was in the oil business when we met and he is looking to go back for a while to help with our debts and to move us away. The only downside? He will be away from home for up to 2 weeks at a time....he will be surrounded by men only though.

Melody Lane and Scotty....I love you!!!

Hope,

Do yourself and your family a favor.

Don't compromise on his coming home.

Here is the conversation between my husband and me, long ago. When he left me, he had another woman lined up, only I didn't even know it until he was gone for about a week.

When he left, he said, "I don't love you, I never did love you, and I never will love you."

With that, he left to go pursue the OW. He was gone about 2 or 3 months. We talked very little (this was before computers, and cell phones, not to mention texting!). He took care of the DD during the day, worked at night; I took her at night, and worked in the day. We saw her but never spoke as she changed hands.

I didn't know it, but I was in Plan B sort of at that time. (Don't know if it was invented yet!) I never lost my love for him, but I did begin dating. He was certainly dating, and from everything he said, every time we spoke, it was OVER. He had "moved on", and he was through with being married to me. He did not love me. He would have sworn in court.

One day, he called me to ask if I would pick him up early to change over the baby to his daycare......

I figured, this is it. He is giving me papers.


I picked him up, and he took the baby to a babysitter. I remained silent in the car. He said we would go eat breakfast at a restaurant so we could "talk". I knew it was over, and I was doing everything to keep from throwing up or crying.

Finally, I broke my silence. I asked him, "So, can you just tell me what we will be discussing? I am really nervous and I don't know if I can talk about this in public."

He was very quiet, and kept driving for awhile, and I begged him.

He looked over at me, with tears in his eyes, and said he wanted to come home.


This was joyful news to me.

Only.......


I needed more.


I asked him "WHY?"

He said, "Because I think about the baby over there, and she needs a man in her life, a male role model, as she grows up."

I said, "I have plenty of male friends and relatives who are providing this for her."

He said, "I worry that you two are alone, and what if something were to happen and you needed help?"

I said, "I have been able to handle everything so far. I have a phone, I can call for help. I have friends who will always help me."

I told him his reasons were NOT GOOD ENOUGH.


Quietly, he looked over at me and said, "I need to come home because I love you and miss you, and I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving you."

I said, "THAT'S the reason. Get your stuff and move it home."


He asked, "Is it that easy?" I told him that it was, that we could start over, and get it right this time.


We did.

Only about 28 years later, he decided to screw it up again.......and we went back to square one.

somehow he forgot






So, when or if you do decide to let him come home?

It needs to be for good reasons. Not because HE is lonely, or HE is hurt, or HE needs you.


It needs to be because he has realized he loves YOU, and has made a mistake, and needs to WORK TO FIX IT.

There can be no success otherwise.


SB