Here is my situation. My husband had a five month long affair with a coworker (isn't it always). It ended upon discovery almost nine months ago. My husband and friends did not want me to confront this woman for fear of what I would do and what it would mean to my career (I'm a teacher).<BR> <BR> The only thing that I did was put a note in her mailbox that said, "You are a f*****g wh**e, and you had better watch your back!" She knew who it was from and sent a message back through a former coworker of my husband. She said she didn't want to get the authorities involved, but she would if she had to. Needless to say, I did not want to go to jail, so I left her alone.<P> My problem is, I still have this nagging urge to talk to her face to face. I feel like she has gotten away with this with no consequences. Me on the other hand have suffered more than anyone. Does this feeling of wanting to confront the OP ever go away, unless you do it? I know it's been 9 months, but I'm scared I will always regret not having it out with her.

I did the opposite, I appealed to the other women in nice terms. Two different times, they were both in bad marriages and I really felt for them. I tried to be nice and encouraging to either leave what they were in and get some independance on their own w/o my H or figure out what is wrong in their lives and try to fix their own marriages. After I was BURNED so badly, even now sometimes I want to scream at them, but I really feel compassion for them. To all who've experienced bad marriages you know how easy something like this can happen. I don't feel like they've gotten off scot free, they lost my H when he returned to me. I know how truly loving he can be and i know I would miss him desperatly. Knowing that they are in terribly unhappy situations and my h and I are recovering and are happy and they have to see that, is revenge enough for me. Not to mention confronting the other only makes you look insecure and is a big love buster for your H. <BR>Mater

When the rest of the veterans on the board get here they will tell you (with but a few exceptions) the same thing I am... that confrontation is not good.<P>As Mater says... it is a huge love buster... and will drive your H either back to OW... or just plain away from you.<P>There is strength in doing the right thing... you may not feel you have that strength... but dig deep down.<P>Your H will appreciate your non love busting (although in the long term.)<P>I'm praying for you.<P>Jim<BR>---------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

hurtone - you are not alone. I don't know if the feeling of wanting to confront the person who hurt you and your family in ways they will never know ever does go away. My h also had an affair with a coworker (described as anywhere from 5 months to one year or longer). She still works with and for him. I often feel I cannot heal until such time as either she leaves or I am able to tell her the role she played in destroying my family - to describe to her the countless nights I've had to hold my child while she cries herself to sleep - to tell her how painful it was to hear a little girl ask whether her daddy is doing this because she was a bad girl...etc. So far I have done nothing and am taking it slow as the consequences of contacting her could be severe - and my H has asked that I not do so.<BR>In my case H's affair supposedly ended about eight months ago and was disclosed to me about seven months ago. Sometimes it makes me feel so weak and powerless that I have done nothing and that she seems to have suffered no consequences. Others here will say she is suffering with guilt etc. I just don't buy it that whatever guilt she may be feeling compares. I seriously doubt that she has suffered everyday with the pain of having someone trespass on your marriage and try to take from you the most important people in your life - your husband and children. I am rambling... just wanted to let you know I struggle daily with the question you presented.<BR> Simone

I prefer the subtle revenges myself. A comment...nothing obscene, but something that gets a point across. Subtle, but direct. And certainly nothing that can get YOU in trouble. Yikes, your note! One relationship counseling book I'm reading talks about "editing" words that may damage before they pop out. I think your editing pen was lost on that one! <P>What we're dealing with here now is how you can vent your frustrations concerning OW, without getting into trouble. One of the BEST ways is posting right here. Lay it on US, every nasty thought, every idea of revenge. It helps to deflate those bad feelings.

Thanks for all your responses guys. I really do think it does help to get out my feelings here. Things have been so much better at home since I've been posting here. It just hurts so bad that her life has gone on as usual and mine took such a beating.