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My 21 year old DD is heart-broken.
Her BF is breaking up with her after 5 years of dating.
They have been trying to have a long distance relationship these past 6 months.
Both are students in different cities.
She's doing all the wrong things.
Crying.
Ultimatums she can't keep.
Begging.
Trying to guilt him.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch .... I can offer advice. but she is a very emotionally driven girl at the moment. My advice sounds a lot like:

"Whaa-whaa-blah-blah"

Aside from being there to listen, and carefully inserting some principles of living a good life into the conversation ... I decided today I would order her 2 MB books.

The One (new version of Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders)
and Love Busters.

BF wants to still be able to call/text/skype but still says they are:
"Taking a break" MrRollieEyes ... whatever the hell that means.

I'm OK if this relationship fails.
I just want to provide a safe place for her to fall and materials to help her acquire better skills for the future.

KIDS !!!!!! Adult kids are difficult. They know everything until they need you, then they don't know how to help themselves.

DD21 says the only reason this relationship is failing is the distance.
Well, my H and I see this differently.
It is a relationship that was begun with the assistance of training wheels, and the wheels came off. Now, they find they have no balance.

UGH
Parenting is so hard.

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What's your request, Pep? I can't find a specific question!

I can give you lots of sympathy and a hug for your daughter.
hug


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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You can tell her what 'taking a break' really means. It is not that far off from 'I was already divorced in my mind, so it's not cheating!'

Might not be too helpful, though.

MB advice would be to Plan B, wouldn't it? No phone, no skype, no emails.

Nothing is really going to help a heartbroken 21yo, though, like finding the next one. smile She's not going to do that so long as she continues to hang on to this one, so maybe you can gently encourage her to take a breather, tell her xbf that she needs some time with no contact, and get her to commit to at least 21 days of NC.

I remember 21, and if anyone told me that I needed to make a permanent choice, I'd've balked. So encourage her to make a temporary one and revisit her decision at a later date, preferably one long enough away for her to have her head turned by the next great thing. Rinse, and repeat. smile


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Originally Posted By: SugarCane
What's your request, Pep? I can't find a specific question!

I can give you lots of sympathy and a hug for your daughter.
hug


Thanks for the hug.

I can't even compose a simple question because there really is not anything I can do.

>grumble<

I told her to give him what he asked for >>> "space".

No communication.
She is so weak, it hurts to watch.
She is convinced she can convince him.
I'm convinced I can't convince her she can't convince him.

SHEESH !

OK OK OK OK OK

Question:

How much, if at all, do you recommend I offer advice if it is not requested?

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Originally Posted By: CWMI

and get her to commit to at least 21 days of NC.


I honestly think this is GREAT advice, because after 21 days she would have new eyes.

But, right now 21 hours of NC has not been possible for her.

He calls her.
I tell her to ignore.
She ignores.
Then, late at night, I hear her talking in her room.
I know she is trying to convince him that they can "work it out" ... which means more of the same.

In all honesty, H & I do not think this BF is the one.
But he's her first, which makes him seem like "the one" to our daughter.

It's painful to watch.

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Originally Posted By: Pepperband

It's painful to watch.



I sympathize with you and DD. I know you want so save her but can't.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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"Taking a break" means, "I want to date other people but want to keep you on a string in case I change my mind."

Even my 22yo son, when he broke up with his girlfriend after a couple of years, said "You can't be friends after this" (when she wanted to keep a connection).

Wish your DD could understand that her boyfriend will not worry about a sure thing - a girl who is begging him to come back - but will certainly wonder about a girl who says, "Okay, I'll miss you but I'll take a break, too - my GFs want me to go to this big mixer party with them tomorrow night - see ya and have a nice day - "

If she would try the equivalent of Plan B for even a short time, it might (a) help her make the break, and (b) really really really make him wonder.


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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She can always do what women have done since the beginning.

Get pregnant and trap him!

*ducks and runs*


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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Pariah
Officially, you're on chit list now.

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Originally Posted By: Pepperband
How much, if at all, do you recommend I offer advice if it is not requested?


On the one hand, Dr. Harley says he NEVER gives advice if it's not requested. It just won't be welcome.

On the other hand, I think if I were in your situation, I'd be offering tons of unsolicited advice.

On the third hand, my parents offered so much unsolicited "advice" and criticism of my wife in our early marriage that we now have nothing to do with them. So maybe Dr. Harley is right.

In the context of saying he doesn't offer unsolicited advice, both Dr. Harley and Joyce seemed to think giving books was a good idea. Can't remember if Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders covers the Love Bank, but that would be a good thing for your daughter to know. Might consider adding Fall in Love, Stay in Love to that stack of books.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I know I am not a vet...but...I think the books are a great idea. She is so young and I dont know how your relationship with her is...but at that age I felt my mom really didnt know anything about what I was feeling about relationships....I think the NC would be great to suggestion, but I dont know if she will do that.

I think you should give her advice and if you get the vibe that she just doesnt want to take it then dont keep giving it unsolicited...Just support her even if you dont think what she is doing is right and give her comfort.

My mom loved to bombard me with her, lots of times correct, advice....sometimes I was just gonna do what I wanted to do but I needed her support...If I was doing something that was against her advice she would just shut me off no support, lots of times forcing or badgering me to do it her way (even at 21)..didnt help me at all...I needed her more than ever when I made my stupid mistakes.

At that age she is old enough to make her own decisions. So if she really doesnt want your advice dont lecture her on it...just offer when she asks for it....Thats why the books are a great idea...its someone else giving her options so she can make a educated decisions...even if its a stupid ones. And sometimes, even at 21, it sounds better if its not from mom....Dont know why.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Oh and hugs for you Pep....I know what a hard time my mother and I had from my teens to mid twenties...But we get along better than ever now so hang in there (I am not saying that you guys are not getting along, but the boyfriend stuff is tough)....When I look back im kinda glad I have boy....Well mainly because I was a girl.

Last edited by stillhere8126; 11/22/10 04:41 PM. Reason: blah blah blah

BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Pep, it's hard to watch because we want to protect and help our children, but at 21 they are no longer children.

The best thing you can do is to be a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug, ears to listen. You know that in the withdrawal stage you can't teach and almost nothing you say in the area of advice will be heard, much less understood and embraced.

Be the ready hand to help someone up after the crash. It's then that you will be the most effective.

Hugs to you as you endure the waiting time.

He wants to play around with others and they are not married. You know the blessing in that too. It could have been after they were married that he decided to "find out what he may have missed" by marrying too soon. Doesn't make it a lot easier, I know. But it is a lot better than after they might have been married.

God bless.

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Nothing of value to add blush but the longer this guy stays away the better. At some point, DD will hopefully "see" for herself that the end of this relationship is not the end of the world. Is she staying busy with school and friends?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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((((Pep))))

My now almost 18 year old DD won't listen to advice from mom. So I sometimes pass it to her through her older brother. (tee hee)

What I do is ask her if she needs a cup of hot chocolate and if she is in the mood for me to listen, she says "yes". We go out and I listen to her talk and offer tidbits about my life as a young woman. I have learned the hard way that advice from mom is a no no unless requested and even then she can get defensive.

Love you!!!!


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8

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