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This was discussed today AGAIN on the radio by Dr Harley. So if anyone has missed his NUMEROUS admonitions about maintaining contact with the OP, he covers it AGAIN today on the radio. All black and white, but no gray fuzzy areas!! Listen to it here: here After tomorrow at 1:00 cst, you can download this segment for $.99 in the archives by doing a search under the date, 11-22-2010
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The archive has not been posted yet on MB but I found it on oneplace.com here: here Go right to 37:00 and you will hear Joyce start the discussion about contact with an OP when there is an OC. <-----very black and white!! loose transcription: Question to Dr Harley: What happens when the affair has produced a child and but couple wants to save the marriage but communication needs to continue between the lover and the spouse because of the child? Dr Harley: It doesn't work. The basic approach that we take to a marriage surviving an affair is step #1 that you cannot see or talk to the lover for the rest of your life. Step #2 is you have to create a romantic relationship that is superior to the relationship before the affair. The purpose for not talking to the lover is two fold, it prevents the temptation of rekindling of the affair, which is alway s risk. The second reason is that it is a terrible offense to the betrayed spouse. It is like a woman who has been raped having to revist the rapist from time to time. continued at link above..
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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bumping - edited with added partial transcription. Segment link is in 2nd post...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I completely agree with NC with OM, but here's my question. In the case where you have a WW who got pregnant from OM, is it right to withhold OC from OM if OM wants to see OC? Even if a mediator could handle all contact, but BH doesn't want to share OC with OM, should OM be permitted to see OC?
Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
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I completely agree with NC with OM, but here's my question. In the case where you have a WW who got pregnant from OM, is it right to withhold OC from OM if OM wants to see OC? Even if a mediator could handle all contact, but BH doesn't want to share OC with OM, should OM be permitted to see OC? That is something that has to be negotiated between the BH and the WW. No decision should be made without taking the BH's feelings into account; he is the victim, after all. Many here have fought to withhold the OC from the OP at all costs, because having the OP in your lives is very hard on the marriage. And many BH will not tolerate it. The strength of the marriage is in the best interest of the OC. That is his only security. Whatever decision is made, it must be made taking BOTH the BH and WW's feelings into account. And even then, there might not be a choice if the OP wins a legal action.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I guess POJA really is the best policy. Perhaps "right or wrong" regarding am OM's rights doesn't matter when a marriage needs restored. Thanks, ML!
Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
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I guess POJA really is the best policy. Perhaps "right or wrong" regarding am OM's rights doesn't matter when a marriage needs restored. Thanks, ML! WH, the only things that should NEVER be negotiated are things that are dangerous to your marriage, such as contact between the OP and the WS. If it is harmful to the marriage, it should be not be done period.. Hope that makes sense! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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