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I have been married for 16 years, and found out 8 weeks ago that my husband has a 5 month old son. H has moved out, and we are currently meeting with a Christian counselor. Of course, I have had the pleasure of being blamed for this affair (which is the 2nd one in 5 years). At the time this affair occured my husband was working out of state so the baby is over 100 miles away. H will not disclose facts of the affair which leads me to believe that is was long term. (not sure if that matters) There is already court ordered cs and visitation. My H wants to be an active part of this child's life and calls the OW daily to check on him.
When I took my vows I intended to be married for life. We have 2 children together 16 and 12. I was just wondering if anyone else has made this type of situatuion work for the long run. Any advice??
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isignedmylife, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry about your situation.  Yes, this can be solved if your H ends his affair with the OW and ends ALL contact. Your marriage cannot be saved until that happens. His continued contact with his OW will cause devastating emotional and physical harm to you. There are several articles on this site about infidelity and I will link them, but I will start you off with this post from Dr Harley: I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.
As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.
In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.
Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Please get your hands on the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley ASAP. It will help you understand the dynamics that led to the affair. In the meantime, start with this link: How to Survive Infidelity
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You should be in a short Plan A until he ends his affair. If he won't end his affair, Dr Harley recommends going into a separation until the affair is over. Plan A should only last 3 to 4 weeks.
This is Plan A:
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.<----this is your most potent weapon against the affair
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*. by Pepperband
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Husband says that affair is over, and that the contact is to discuss the baby only. He is currently back in our home state so physical contact is limited by the distance between them.
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Husband says that affair is over, and that the contact is to discuss the baby only. He is currently back in our home state so physical contact is limited by the distance between them. The first step must be for him to end ALL contact with her or you can't recover your marriage. I would make that a condition, isigned. You will be damning yourself to a death of a thousand cuts if you have to endure her presence in your lives. It will be a nightmare for you. Any contact with her is just a futherance of the affair. All contact should be channeled through a 3rd party, perhaps an attorney or family friend. Has the affair been exposed to your whole family, especially your children?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, the affair and the baby has been exposed to everyone. We live in a very small town, and this is the topic of conversation everywhere. My husband even took him to church last Sunday. He says that he will not hide him and is not ashamed of him.
My children are aware and have even met the baby. My daughter (12) is head over heels for the baby and my son (16) was very stand offish at first but seems to be coming around. I have not seen the baby yet, and do not think I want to until I figure out if I can accept what my husband has done. I am naturally drawn to children, and have the instintive nature to mother them. Therefore, I thought it best to wait before I meet this child.
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Hon, if he is still in contact the affair is NOT over. These women often use the baby to hold on to the WH. Since your H already betrayed you beyond belief by signing away YOUR marital assets to this "woman" via CS you much to be angry about.
I agree with ML. Get SAA by Willard Harley. Do a stellar plan A for about 3 weeks and then if he won't end the A go into a deep, dark plan B. In the meantime, you need to find out the terms of their "agreement" and protect your marital assests from further assault from this OW.
Also, do some snooping. Get a keylogger on your home computer. Check his phone records. Put a recorder in his vehicle to catch any conversations with the OW.
I forgot to ask you the most important question...how do you feel about having this OC in your life and family? Have you exposed this nasty affair to your children?
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Ok, so your children have been around your H's wh*re or did he just bring the baby to them and say "this is your sibling"?? Huh, this man has no shame!!
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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isignedmylife, please go listen to the radio link I posted right here and go to the 37:00 minute mark. It is Dr Harley speaking this week on how important it is that your H never see or speak to the OW again. Your marriage will not recover until this affair ends - and that means ALL contact.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, the affair and the baby has been exposed to everyone. We live in a very small town, and this is the topic of conversation everywhere. My husband even took him to church last Sunday. He says that he will not hide him and is not ashamed of him. Is your husband being allowed to teach your kids that adultery is acceptable? What are the kids being taught about his flagrant adultery?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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isigned,
I am very sorry that you find yourself needing to be here. The good news is that you have found this site early. My FWH's OC was 4 months old when I found out about A/OC. The OW lived 120 miles away in another state as well. It didn't keep my FWH from seeing her or getting her pregnant or being present for the birth of OC during a winter storm at Christmas time (while I had our COM shopping for dad). My COM are now 22 and 13, they were 16 and 7 when dday occurred.
We are NC. The rules of my willingness to try to recover our M set this firmly (even without knowing about MB's). Until DNA proved that OC was my H's he was 100% NC with any information about OC. We remain NC with OC. All information required for CS and medical bills goes through the attorney.
I believe in the MB program. It has saved our M, saved my COM's family, saved my sanity.
As Faithful said, you need to do a lot of reading here. Your mission will be to save your M and protect your COM's financial well being. The courts will not care that your WH needs to support you and your COM. They will just view the OC as coming first and the wife and COM can have the leftovers, if there is any. Seek an attorney for yourself for protecting your COM financially. Read about MB's principles about recovering yourself and your M if that is what you want. You do not have to decide about your M today or at any given point. If you reach the day when you say it isn't worth it, then you can say that you tried to save it.
Your WH my not want to hide OC, but he really should be ashamed (not of the OC but of his own behavior and betrayal of his vows, his M, and his responsibility to his COM).
FTS
Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993
May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.
Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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My children have NOT met the OW-only the child.
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My WH wants to be an active part of this child's life. He has had several visits already (lasting a week at a time). SO, how do you handle NC with the OW under these circumstances? Also, what do you do long term? I am thinking Birthdays, ballgames, proms, graduations, etc. Isn't it impossible to have 100% NC and still be included in this child's life?
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My WH wants to be an active part of this child's life. He has had several visits already (lasting a week at a time). SO, how do you handle NC with the OW under these circumstances? Also, what do you do long term? I am thinking Birthdays, ballgames, proms, graduations, etc. Isn't it impossible to have 100% NC and still be included in this child's life? isigned, It will indeed be impossible for your H to be involved in OC's life to that extent and for him to be NC with OW. He must be having a lot to do with OW right now, if he has had week-long visits with the child. How did he manage a week-long visit away from you? What did he tell you? Do you realise that it is highly likely that they are still having sex?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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My husband moved out the day he told me about the OC. So he goes to pick up the OC, and brings him back to his apt. By his own admission I know that he is in daily contact with OW, but each time he has picked up or returned the OC he has taken someone with him (ie. his mother, aunt, or best friend). So it is a possibility that he is still involved in a sexual relationship I really don't see how he would arrange it.
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My husband moved out the day he told me about the OC. So he goes to pick up the OC, and brings him back to his apt. By his own admission I know that he is in daily contact with OW, but each time he has picked up or returned the OC he has taken someone with him (ie. his mother, aunt, or best friend). So it is a possibility that he is still involved in a sexual relationship I really don't see how he would arrange it. It would be very easy to arrange. As long as he is in contact with the OW, the affair is still active. Have you listened to the radio show link I posted?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am thinking Birthdays, ballgames, proms, graduations, etc. Isn't it impossible to have 100% NC and still be included in this child's life? Every time he is in contact with his lover puts him back to day 1 of recovery. Every time he sees his lover is another knife sunk into your back. Does that scenario sound condusive to recovery? The fact is you can't recover that way. If your H won't end contact with his lover within 3 to 4 weeks, I would strongly suggest you go into Plan B which is a completely dark separation. But in the meantime, it is imperative that you hire an attorney before the OW takes money from you and your children. Have you contacted an attorney yet? And PLEASE listen to the radio link I posted.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, the affair and the baby has been exposed to everyone. We live in a very small town, and this is the topic of conversation everywhere. My husband even took him to church last Sunday. He says that he will not hide him and is not ashamed of him. Your story is a bit hard for me to follow. Could you try to give us more details? On November 24 in your first post, you said "my husband is now moved out". Later on the same day, you said he had moved back in. When did he move in? Where is he now? How did he come to move back in? Did he say that he wanted to work on the marriage with you, or did he move back in for the kids? Does you counsellor tell him that he needs to tell you everything about the affair? What kind of help is your counsellor giving? Is he/she helping you both to rebuild your marriage? What kind of tasks is he/she setting you each week to achieve a new marriage? How did your H come to take the baby to church last Sunday if he is living with you and the baby is 100 miles away? Did he travel 100 miles, pick up the baby, take him to church and then deliver him back home? Did you know about this, and did you approve? What do you know of OW? Is she married, single, living together, dating? Do you know her name? Is your H already paying her CS? Is your H's name on the birth certificate? Please colour in the picture for us!
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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My husband moved out the day he told me about the OC. So he goes to pick up the OC, and brings him back to his apt. This. Is he living with you or in the apartment? Or is he living with you and still maintains his apartment?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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