My marriage seems to be on the rocks, but I cannot honestly tell what my chances are, and I love my wife and want to make it work.

I had a year long affair in the workplace that arose from a sexual addiction, inadequate stress coping strategies, and general character defects. My wife suspected, and found emails during the course, but I denied although she realized all along and probably wanted me to leave her. Eventually, months after the affair ended, the OW's husband called in to the workplace and sent me emails, the OW attempted to get a restraining order, and the police were called. The entire workplace heard about the event, and my wife found the emails and began contacting the OW's husband and OW. I admitted to the affair, and she threw me out of the house.

After these events, I begged forgiveness and told her I had made a horrible mistake. Eventually she let me back in the house, but things were different, and I began to suspect she was having a revenge affair and had known of my activities for some time. I realized that she had been withdrawn and sleeping on the couch for some time, had bought herself new clothes, began going to the gym, going to the store for long periods without coming home with much, leaving for work early, taking long breaks at work, etc. I also realized that she had moved her mom and nephew in with us at about the same time she found the first emails.

I then became paranoid and clingy myself. She went to Vegas with a friend and refused to tell me where she was going. She punished me and verbally abused me, and remained extremely angry, while finding flaws with me as if she was comparing me to someone else. I began to find pens of a local realtor in her car, and asked her about him, but she laughed and denied involvement and said he was gay. However, I have seen other signs and references to him from her nieces, friends and extended family. There have also been comments from third parties to attempt to make me paranoid, and question the paternity of my own children. He has a web presence, and appears somewhat sexually ambiguous, but he has posted seeming mocking/snarky comments that coincide almost directly with the exposure of the affair and subsequent events (these too are ambiguous, however). He also is admittedly a customer at her work, has several condos in close proximity to that work (which he recently transferred to a corporate trust), and she seems to have a new attitude. Since I became aware of his presence, he is definitely scaled back his internet presence. I have tried GPS, keylogger, and tape recorder, but have not turned up anything solid and have been caught snooping, which has not not helped (you don't trust me, but you're the one that cheated). She also performs differently in the bedroom, and has a different attitude towards sex, which she attributes to not wanting me to cheat on her again. I want to know the truth to determine whether my marriage has a chance. I know I treated her poorly and deserve to be punished myself, but I believe I have suffered, woken up and dealt with my issues, and I do truly love her. She previously asked me to let her go, but I begged her to go to marriage counseling and try to work things out, and we have been doing so. I truly feel like a changed and better person, and want the opportunity to redeem myself and not lose my wife, marriage and family.

Six months have now passed and there have been ups and downs, but I still have doubts and insecurities, and want to confront her or hire a PI or somehow verify, but I don't want to compound the problem, or have it get back to her, and lose her for not trusting her. She also recently became pregnant which gives me obvious worries, but we were very active around the same time (due to her changed attitude), so I believe that she is likely telling the truth that it is mine.

I don't know where to go from here. She has problems trusting me, although it was so traumatic and I wish I had never gotten involved with the affair, and that I had treated my wife better, because I love her and I feel lucky to have her. But if she doesn't want me anymore, and is involved with someone else, I think I deserve or at least want to know about it, so I know what my chances are. I've asked her to renew vows, and get new wedding bands but she is not ready yet (she tried to pawn the engagement ring and wedding band, then threw them at me when she couldn't get as much as she wanted.) In fact, she has stated that she wants a 2 1/2 carat ring, quite a bit beyond our means.

All in all, this has been the most traumatic event of my life, I ended up quitting my job and changing to a new lower paying job because of the event, and feel my reputation is sullied. I want to rebuild my career and my marriage, but unsure what footing we are on. I feel this insatiable need to know whether she is involved with someone else, and want to contact him, but from what I can tell he is a good manipulator and salesperson and might not be able to get the truth. I'm having trouble concentrating at work and giving myself, because I'm having my own trust issues. I've promised her that I will never hurt her again, and I don't intend to, but don't want to be hurt myself.

The last thing is that we have 2 young children, and it has been very hard on them. My wife believes I just want to stay married for their benefit, and for the child on the way, but really I love her and want to remain together for her mostly.

I guess my question is then, what do I do, do I stay calm and hope for the best, do I confront the potential OM? I feel like I need answers or resolution, and everything seems in flux. I've lost interest in activities I used to enjoy, have contemplated suicide, unable to concentrate at work, and unsure what direction my life is going to take. Please someone give me some guidance.

Hire a PI get the evidence and expose her affair but you also need to expose your affair as well.

First things first, do you have ANY contact AT ALL with OW anymore? Do you two still work together?

OK I see that you left your job but do you and OW have any contact whatsoever anymore?

And how long did it take for you to establish NC once your W discovered the A?

My wife discovered emails (3/09, 8/09) before actual exposure(3/10), and I denied and she somewhat believed, but I tried and eventually completely cut-off contact many months (8/09) before full-blown exposure (3/10). I have no other contact with OW at this point. All of my energy is focused on my marriage, and unfortunately my insecurities about my wife/marriage, and my own guilt.

When did you leave your job?

OW left in 3/10, I left later in 8/10 after I found another job. Wanted to leave earlier, but bad job market.

I guess I am trying to establish how long you have been in NC. So you have had NO contact since 3/10, is that right?

This whole scenario is much more complicated because of this history of putting your W through numerous ddays and FR while you stayed in contact with OW for an extended period of time. It's hard to know if she is really wayward (without proof, which you don't have) or is suffering PTSD/harboring major resentment for what you put her though...

My advice would be to snoop and get more details of what she is doing, do not confront ANYONE yet...and in the meantime Plan A your butt off and provide her just compensation for your A, develop EPs, offer to take a polygraph to prove to her there is NC, etc etc, do all the things listed under the Requirements of Recovery and develop a EP plan [I will be back with a link to a thread on this]

Also who has your A been exposed to? Please be specific.

Extraordinary Precautions:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2374198

Carrot and Stick of Plan A:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2296184

Thank you for the help. Yes, no contact since 3/10, minimal contact since 8/09. A was exposed to entire workplace, friends, and most immediate family on both sides in 3/10. I was reeling for awhile, and still am.

EPs/Plan A: I have given her access to all pwords for all accounts, social networks, bank accts, copies of all keys, changed email, chat cites porn, etc., got rid of iphone, would take polygraph, bought new wedding bands/rings, keylogger on computer, sold the vehicle that was used, looking to move to new house (underwater, tho), supporting her mom and nephew. I try to account for all time, money, etc. I spend all leisure time with wife and family, and propose date nights. I try to provide for all of her emotional needs, especially since she is pregnant.

I have tried to snoop, but am not good at it, get caught and reveal too much, which just aggravates and tips. She's smarter, more thorough and a better snooper/hider than me.

I definitely like to know whether PTSD or something else. I want to help fix what I caused, if it can be fixed.

sorry, that should say "avoid" chat cites, etc.

My husbans is having a workplace affair, was it the exposure that finally made you stop all contact with her? Why did you leave your job? Were you embarrassed by the affair?

I think it was partly that, but mainly from the guilt of knowing that my wife really knew, and that I had hurt her horribly. My wife also ended up talking to both the OW and her husband. I left my job because I didn't want my wife to feel uncomfortable, and I wanted a fresh start and was embarassed and felt marked. I also couldn't concentrate at work because I was preoccupied with guilt and anxiety over my wife and our relationship, and also whether she had known all along and was/is herself involved with someone else. I regret my decision every day, because I love her, and want to be a better man so that I am good enough to deserve her. She didn't do anything to deserve my treatment of her. I had also been hurt in prior relationships, so I should have known better. Although I wish I could turn back time, I just hope it's not too late; things have gotten a lot better, but there is still a lot of damage that has to be mended.

I want to cry because, I only wish my husband felt about me the way you do about your wife, I hope things work out for you. My husband is still in the fog, but I still have hope, even though it may be false hope at this point. Good Luck to you!!!

abe, does your W know about your EPs? Are they in written form and does she have a copy?

Have you read up on Plan A?

Thank you, I was in a fog myself for a long time, and totally selfish.

I have told my wife about my EPs, but have not written them down, but could do so. Honestly, she does not seem that interested in checking up on me anymore.

I've read up on Plan A, but still unsure of whether A exists or whether its just PTSD or punishment. I'm too drained to snoop, and it just backfired (you're the one, you're paranoid, just coincidence, etc), and PI too expensive. So I've been limited to carrots, but feeling like doormat. I feel in limbo, and am worried maybe I am just paranoid/unfair. I don't know what to think.

abe, you are torturing yourself. You know that, right? Are you afraid of what you'll find out if you snoop? Because your post is justifying doing nothing. This is the most important relationship in your life and you're doing nothing. Your justification for neglecting this is:



What's this lack of action getting you? This:






You really think this is the way to go? I'm thinking NO. WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?

You're right, of course, but I've been getting advice from friends and family not to snoop, not to confront her or potential OP (because that's all I can say, "potential" at this point), not to hire PI, but just to work on marriage and show her that I have changed and am a better man (in the hope that even if she is getting even, that she will want to stop). I've described my circumstantial evidence to other people, and they believe that there is likely some connection, but don't believe it is an A. I've confronted my wife with weak circumstantial evidence from prior snopping (definite mistake), but she denied, and said coincidences, just a customer, gay, etc.

I'm afraid of what I would find out, but also of falsely accusing, or not turning up anything solid but still thinking something is happening (which was the case in my prior bungled snooping), and knowing that I may never know the full truth. I am also afraid that my own insecurities are driving some paranoia and obsessive jealousy. I'm also aware that I look like a hypocrite.

But although afraid, I guess my plan would be to reinstitute (more careful, without confrontation) snooping, and would appreciate links. I've used a keylogger, GPS, and tape recorders, but not very effectively. I've also discussed using a PI, but this would probably be cost-prohibitive. The benefit would be that I might not have to be overinvolved myself, and it would not distract me at work. Realistically, this is probably the only chance to turn up anything, since she is aware of my prior bungled snooping, and the best way to keep sane.

My wife has a job that is 25 minutes away, gives her plenty of liberal lunch breaks, and the potential OP has a condo about 5 minutes from her job. I believe I see alot of the same foggy and shady behavior that I and the OW engaged. For instance, when my wife calls during a break at work, the first thing she asks is "where are you?" She also has a habit of conducting multiple shopping excursions during the day on her days off (these use to be gym excursions before pregnancy).

I've also thought about contacting the potential OP to ask point blank, but do not have evidence, and have been advised not to do this since he might lie, this might bring them closer together, and it would get back to my wife. I've tried to gather as much information from the internet on him as possible, but he has scaled back his presence, and even appeared to be engaged in cat/mouse activities.

Let me help you with this, okay?

First. Stop talking to everyone about your suspicions! This will do nothing but distract and confuse you. It will accomplish nothing. It will likely find its way back to your wife - if she's up to something she'll be careful to cover her tracks.

Next. Don't let people who have no experience with affairs tell you how to handle your suspicion about this affair. Do you think they tell brain surgeons how to operate?

Please explain how you bungled your snooping. Did you tell WW your snooping methods? Did you admit you were snooping?

Do NOT approach OM with no evidence! What, do you think he's going to look at you contritely and say "Okay, you got me - I'm having an A with your WW." NO HE WILL NOT. You will simply drive both of them underground and make it more difficult to get your evidence!

You need to snoop. Say nothing about anything you find. Bring it HERE. We'll tell you what to do with it.

At this point I think the most efficient and cost-effective snooping method you have is a PI. Do not discount this. Call and get prices - do you have any idea what it costs? A good PI won't take long to get evidence.

Your gut is telling you something, abe. It is a fool who does not listen to his gut.

I appreciate and need the help. I wish I had found this site months (or years) ago. I have stopped talking to everyone about my suspicions, but before when I was reeling I had some verbal diarrhea. Unfortunately, I did tell WW about my snooping methods in the course of asking her for explanations for circumstancial evidence, and so I probably did drive it underground. So, I agree that the PI is probably the best way to go, I've gotten a few referrals, and I've been told about $70/hour plus expenses. Having an objective 3rd party, in addition to this site, seems pretty important though. I'll also try to reinstitute some of the snooping, and will bring anything I find here.