Okay, well, there's nothing you can do about that now. Yes, she'll avoid anything that might employ a snooping method that you told her about.

I would say a PI is worth every penny. Really, it's the best/only way to really get to the bottom of this.

So. What is your plan?

My plan is to contact and retain the PI and ask him to set up a couple of different times or days to monitor. Of course, I'd rely on PI for suggestions re: ways and methods. In the meantime, I'll keep my mouth shut and do the Plan A.

Perfect. The PI will guide you through what he needs to know.

And let me hasten to add: DO NOT communicate this to your W in any way - not even in passing "I hear PIs are good at busting wayward spouses." Nothing like that, okay? For some crazy reason, BS's sometimes have a tendency to try to coerce their wayward into stopping their bad behavior by mentioning snooping or exposure methods.

Do not say anything to her about this. You cannot coerce a wayward into ending their A. It just makes them more clever at hiding it. Don't make the PI's job harder for him.

I am speaking with a PI today, but I need help stopping lovebusting behaviors. I found that W had left the potential OM's (pink) pen in her car after going to work on Saturday. I tried to avoid bringing it up, but she asked me what was wrong, I told her that it was the pen, she again called me paranoid, he's gay, I've only talked to him once, and expressed annoyance. I think she may have done it purposely to punish me, so I'd find it, because she asked to switch cars the next day (or because she thinks there is a GPS). The next day she came home and the passenger seat was moved all the way back, as if someone else had been sitting there. I tried to show her affection, but was so frustrated that when she placed her feet on my legs as if to ask for a foot massage, I had to move them off, which led to her accusing me of rejecting her and telling me to not touch her, leave her alone and give her space. I then became clingy and asked for forgiveness, which annoyed her more.

Ugh, so I instituted snooping techniques and was again discovered, even though careful. I was told that I am pushing her away, trying to find an excuse to leave her, which is not true. I asked her how she found device, she would not tell. I asked her if someone helped her, in anger she said my lover helped me find the device. When I asked who, she denied, and said she was just punishing me for spying, and that I can't trust her, even though it was me that cheated and that she never even cheated and is not like me.

Private Investigator. Hire one now.

So....I end up hiring a PI but was not able to afford very much time. They did not end up finding anything out.

I used a VAR on several occasions. On one occasion I hear her saying "I need a boyfriend." On another occasion, on the day before my daughter's birthday, my wife is not home and disappears for several hours. On the VAR, I hear her say "We've never even been on a date.... OMG! Moan!" Car Door opens, garage door closes. As she is walking away I hear "Are you ready to...." I can tell from the length of the VAR recording that she is about 5-10 minutes from our house. I ask her where she is and she says I don't know, I was at the grocery store or somewhere. She went to the grocery store the day before. She then shuts down and refuses to talk.

Later that week, she goes to the grocery store and then a local restaurant, supposedly by herself. She spends like $16 at the restaurant, however. I call the restaurant and describe her, and they tell me she was with some Hispanic guy. I don't ask her about, not wanting to hear some excuse or explanation.

I later confront her about the VAR and she states that she was talking to herself. I confront her on the morning of our anniversary, just as she is about to leave the house without telling me where she is going. She leaves and comes back with a pre-ordered cake and throws it on our car. She states that I am trying to turn things around on her so I feel less guilty. She calls me paranoid. She doesnt, however, have a good explanation and is clearly nervous and anxious. She states that she was talking to our daughter, even though she admits that she wasn't home. She starts tearing up and says "you're the one that cheated, not me...." She then hits me several times and kicks me while I'm sitting on the bed. I feel like I've been set up, but I question whether I'm correct, since there is only her voice on the recording.

Previously, I planted a voice activated miniDV recorder in the backseat of the car (which is registered to me). I recorded a sample video at the store just to make sure it worked. She goes to work and calls me on her break from her car. When she gets home, I check the recorder. There are several videos missing that have apparently been wiped, because on reformatting the SD card cannot find those videos. The video I make at the video store is also gone, wiped clean. So it appears that she or someone else has a wiping utility? There is video, however, of her on the phone with me. The videos just before and after tha recording are missing, however. I did not mention this to her.

On another occasion, in April, I go out of town for business for 3 days. On return, she has somehow accidentally recorded several videos on her cell phone. Although you cannot see or hear anything clearly, you can see some form of rhythmic movement and/or in the background, and there is

I later complain to her friend and sisters about what I've found. I feel that it's pretty good evidence but not smoking gun. They tell me that she had told them that she knew I had a recorder in the car, and therefore made up some stuff so I'd be paranoid. Of course, she had no idea that the recorder was there, and got nervouse and made up some other story when confronted. I asked her about this - why are you complaining and threatening to move out, when you are purposefully doing things to make me paranoid? She said she is pregnant and confused. (She is pregnant with our 4th).

So now she says everything was going so well, and we were getting along swimmingly, until I became paranoid and ruined her life by accusing her of something that I did, just so I would feel better. She is threatening to move out, says I make her miserable, and that she wants a divorce. She says she wont sleep with me, wont sleep in the same bed as me, wont kiss me, wont hug me, doesnt want physical contact, doesnt love me, hates me, doesn't want to go to marriage counseling, only slept with me for reproductive purposes, sleeps on the couch with our newborn to avoid me, and keeps her own bank account. She says she is saving up for her own apartment, but still sends me texts asking where is your payroll deposit, you didn't get paid today, you better complain to your boss (I got a paper check...)

What else? She goes to the Dr for a UTI infection and tells me that the dr. asked whether she was having sex with more than one person. She gets pregnant again while she has birth control pills right next to the bed, and then claims that I got her pregnant on purpose. She refuses to bring work schedules home, and tells me her major big box retailer company doesnt give out schedules anymore. She leaves for work early and comes home late. I go visit her at work, and she walks 10 steps ahead of me and the kids, and then a coworker says "another long lunch, huh" while smiling and winking. She now knows new sex acts in bedroom, knows how to give oral sex, etc. She goes to gym, but there is no record of her going on gym website record of visits.

As background, I had an affair in 2008-2009. My wife found out in 3/2010 after OW's husband emailed me and she found in my email. OW calls HR, calls cops, and tries to get restraining order against husband. OW tries to get me to get restraining order against her husband, but I decline. Wife calls OW's husband and they begin talking. I try extremely hard to make up with wife and stay together. I pledge NC and stop talking to woman. We go to MC for several months, but my wife stops. I quit my job and find new job. At time I find out, several people, including my wife and coworkers begin to intimate basically that "what is good for goose, is good for gander." I begin to see search enginge results of my email associated with porn. My wife goes to Vegas and is coy about what happens. She returns and I begin to find a local realtor's pens in her car. I check his blog and there are "coincidental" references to things that are going on in my life. My wife admits that some other male platonic friend was visiting her every day at work in her car on breaks to discuss our relationship. She asks me if I hate her, because she thinks I have a recorder in the car and might have heard something. Later, although I block the phone number of the OW's husband, I begin to find numerous coincindental similarities between his twitter postings and my wife's comments or interests. I also begin to hear clicks on the phone and my cell phone lights up at weird times. It suddenly seems like spy v. spy. I begin to think my wife is still married to me only to embarass me and humiliate me. I begin to think my wife is just married to me so she can do whatever she wants and just use me as paycheck and extra child care. I begin to think that she is involved with OW's husband, or others, either for punishment/revenge and/or affair.

But of course I could just be paranoid and projecting, right? And after all, aren't I a hypocrite. Sex is just fun and games, as she once said, and she should get to partake if I did, and I shouldn't complain? And if I want to try to repair my family, well I'm the one that ruined the marriage, and it's my issues, right? And if I try to catch her and ask her to knock it off, well I'm paranoid.