Hello MB Forum.<P>It's been a little over five weeks since I confirmed my H's affair. He cut off affair, recommitted to me, we're going to counseling, generally clicking along very well, we have lots of passion, lots of communication, and it feels like a second honeymoon! I'm so blessed.<P>But since I'm the eternal worry wort, I'm concerned. I don't want the pain of his affair to pop back into my heart a year from now and ruin how I'm feeling, and how we're doing. And we really are doing great and I want to keep it going for the rest of our lives! So I guess my question for you very wise people is: how do I make sure I don't hang on to bitterness?<P>Thank you so much. I'm learning a lot here.<BR>-Marlo

I am by no means at the stage to answer this I am about a month in true recovery, but initially 4 years ago, if I hadn't been so scared to open my heart, I truly believe it wouldn't of happened again. Just keep the lines of communication open and as long as you are both commited to honesty and communication and meeting one anothers needs, then even when you feel it wanting to creep in, you can fight it off, if your heart is still open. His needs Her needs and surviving an affair are both great books. It is a very good sign that your H will go to counseling with you.<BR>Remember to that it won't always be roses and sunshine. Healthy couples have conflict, but don't blame any future comflict on the affair. See it for what it is, a healthy conflict by two people that love each other, but disagree. I hope my limited wisdom helps.<BR>Keep it up<BR>Mater

"...we have lots of passion, lots of communication, and it feels like a second honeymoon! I'm so blessed."<P>"...I'm concerned. I don't want the pain of his affair to pop back into my heart a year from now and ruin how I'm feeling..."<P>"So I guess my question for you very wise people is: how do I make sure I don't hang on to bitterness?"<P>Marlo-<P>Hooray for you and your husband! I'm always so glad when I see the rebuilding happen in these situations. I can only give you my thoughts that circled in my mind at one time about your very subject but never unfortunately had the chance to grow since mywife and I did not rebuild and make our way back...but...<P>Your may need to look at your situation and understand that your marriage as you knew it is dead. Gone forever. You and now starting a new marriage with new caring, new awareness of emotional needs, nuturing and rebuilding that is like you are starting over. All the things you had before will have to be experienced, grown, nutured and devleoped very much like you did the early times in your relationship.<P>For the passion and communication. Sounds like everyone here would have given their right arm for all of that. You are blessed. Enjoy it, nuture it and make sure it never slips away. You are right...you are blessed!<P>The pain will take time. Time will help that but there is no magic pill. Just like losing a loved one in death, you in a sense lost your relationship and have started all over. Time will help you heel this but remember that you will have to grieve away this pain just like one has to after the death of a loved one.<P>Bitterness...keep it from creeping back into your relationship and into your heart. Keep focused on your daily self-care and meeting of your husband's emotional needs that will probably yield dividends...bitterness is a passion killer. The fact that your husband should be focused and trying to mimimize any love busting on his part and to also be trying to meet your emotional needs too Is very important.<P>Take care<BR>mr rlk

Marlo,<BR>For me it has been 4 mo. since my h confessed to loving another woman. Since that time we have come a long way. Right now things are going very well between us. We too have great passion, and just a lot of fun being around each other. It has been refreshing to see all of this happen. <P>Are there days when I still feel bitter? You bet there are. How do I deal with them? I am working on reading a book of forgiveness. There is also a workbook thread here that is on forgiveness that is very good. The things I have committed to doing are when those times come up that I am down, I realize that it is my choice to be in that type of mood, and do not make mean remarks to my h about the "mess he created" or any other mean comments. If I were to do anything toward him in this manner, it would only cause a wedge to be put in our relationship. This does not mean that we cannot talk about what has happened, and where we go from here. I just need to make sure it is a time when I can do it in a positive manner. There are still days when I get very angry that all of this happened, but they are getting fewer. This will never go away. It will always be part of our new relationship. Hopefully we will continue to use it as a building stone and not let it destroy us. All bitterness or unforgivness do is destroy the person that packs it around. Do everything you can to deal with the emotions as they come up. Don't pretend that they are not there. Make yourself as mentally healthy as you possibly can. <P>My great strength through all of this has come from Jesus Christ. It is when I focus on myself and think that I deserve better than this that I get down. When focus on my relationship with God, my attitude is much better

Don't mean to be a downer, but be careful that in your attempt to get back to normal, even better than normal, you do not run from the pain of what has happened and not deal with it effectively.<P>I hope your recovery is strong and always moving forward, but most describe this time as a roller coaster of emotions. My H and I are doing very well after discovery 10 months ago, but I still have things that trigger horrible moments. I still have down days where the pain is still pretty bad.<P>It is healthy to feel your legitimate anger and grieve your losses while committing not to "hang on" to them so that they turn to bitterness.<P>I would definetely read many books and learn all you can on recovery, forgiveness and relationships.<P>If you want to search the Forgiveness Workbook threads, look under my name. The one on Grief may be particularly interesting to you.<P>Best of luck!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13