Athena, you must make this work. Hire babysitters, have friends take the kids. Do what you need to do. It is in your children's best interest to save your marriage. Your marriage is their LIFE. That comes FIRST. So put it first.

And set your kids down and tell them WHY. They need to hear it from YOU and your H, and not from someone else.

Secondly, it is good to know each other's ENs, but you need to focus on the top 4 INTIMATE emotional needs. You are not going to fall in love over family committment or domestic support. What will cause you to fall in love is 20+ hours of affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation and recreational companionship. THIS PROGRAM DOES NOT WORK WITHOUT THAT STEP.

So, print up these articles and you both read them so you fully understand your mission:

Affection

Sexual Fulfillment

Conversation

Recreational Companionship

Policy of Undivided Attention

The links OM/OMW shared with me were to the information about MB, not about the forums. I guess it would be naive to think that they wouldn't be reading and/or posting too. I couldn't imagine communicating with OM here and "flaunting" the A in front of these good people. I know I have made stupid decisions in the past but have confidence that this would be something I could avoid.

I will tidy up my sig - I was actually worried that would be too much information. Thanks for the tip.

I read this and thought "but I'm following the book - how could I be getting it wrong already?!?!". So, I just took a look at the next chapter "Rule of Time" and see that you are totally right - I'm just a slow reader!

Thanks for pointing this out though. It could have been another week or so before I got to that chapter and you are right that we should start making time for eachother right now.

So far, we have only exposed to one friend and I think I am going to have a POJA chat with BH today about exposing to our close neighbor. They would be a close ally in helping with childcare and us getting our much-needed time in. Plus, we could reciprocate and give them some time together (they have a new baby and she has admitted to not having time for anything lately). The kids like playing together, so it makes sense.

I wish that Harley would do more to emphasize that point! It is easily missed. It didn't really sink in for me until I read in one of his books, Effective Marriage Counseling, that his program "doesn't work" without that step. I had never seen him make that point in such clear terms before.

*** FOG WARNING ***

Closure with the OP ... I guess that is not supposed to happen, right? No "nice knowing you" or "have a good life" or "we made a big mistake, I'm sorry it all went down this way"?

NC ... real NC for the rest of our lives. Seems so unfortunate, yet I do know why. If I ever saw OM again, it would stir feelings I shouldn't have. It just sucks that a good friendship went to h&ll because we expressed feelings for each other so long ago. And because of that, we've ruined other friendships (our own spouses used to be friends) and made other people uncomfortable with us. The true consequences are finally becoming clear and I feel SO INCREDIBLY STUPID that I never really got it before.

Some regret ... finally.

click here

NC isn't unfortunate, it is required, and you know that. Yes, it does suck (I won't address that word further ) The two of you made a terrible decision, over and over and over. And now you're dealing with the fallout, and one part of that is losing a friendship you abused.

So there you go. Dust off your hands and say it out loud "I threw away that friendship for totally selfish reasons." Own your actions. Then immediately replace that thought with a loving thought of your H. Do soemthing nice for him as a way of compensating for your actions. I don't know - buy him a new tie on your way home from work? Surprise him with his favorite takeout meal and eat it in front of the fireplace (with a fire in there, makes it more romantic ) Meet him for lunch and go to the park...the idea being to create an action for your marriage to replace the static 'stinking thinking' about your A.

Action, not navel-gazing and regret over the past, Athena.

I'm not knocking you, you're doing great. A little foggy, but that's to be expected at this point.

*** REALITY WARNING ***

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Helo I now pronounce you DIVORCED

This is the reality that you face. Remember you are not RECOVERED. Don't fantasize about this. Reread the NC and the reasons for it. The OM was not a friend.

This man purposefully went out of his way to hurt you, H, and all your children. He is a drunk driver that hit the car you and your family were in.

Better yet, you were the drunk driver and purposefully drove drunk and hit the car the OMW and family was in. Where is your empathy and remorse for her and her family?

I can't find the link for this. But by thinking about OM you could be extending your withdrawal.

People will only be remembered for the mistakes they make if they never do anything to learn from them.

Great post, GO!

Nothing to add except that "closure" means you CLOSE the door, not open it. Contacting the OM again would be a disaster. And it would be extremely hurtful and disrespectful to your H.

Have you told your children and close family members yet?

I am the wicked witch of the west and exposure is the water.

We are exposing and it hurts like hell. But I do need to take responsibility for my actions. This is the part I spent the last few years trying to avoid - the consequences.

While it feels good to tell the truth, I am cringing at what the reactions will be. But I can't control how other people see me, I just have to hope that they can give me their patience and understanding as I promise to be truthful from now on. Exposing will help the issues with NC - some people are asking about OM and I have to play dumb. It will be nice to give them the truth.

Thing is, I have never witnessed something like this from the outside, so I have no frame of reference. I've never seen anyone come clean about something like this - I've only ever heard the rumor and gossip.

But I know I need to be respectful of my relationships with these people and be truthful before they hear a juicy piece of news floating around. Not how I want my close friends/family to find out.

humbly yours,
athena

Oh, and I am clear on the NC. Every time I think about not being there to support OM, I think about OMW and how that is her job. I was never supposed to take on that role and the only respectful thing to do is back away - cold turkey.

People will respect you for this, Athena]


You will be judged for having an affair, [as you should be] but you will also be judged for coming clean, making amends and taking the necessary steps to recover your marriage. Character does not come from being PERFECT [none of us are!], but from how we handle our shortcomings. The way you are handling this shows the depth of your character.

Please tell your kids before they hear stories from someone else. And yes, they will hear about it. This will be a great life lesson for your kids. Here is how Dr Harley explains it:

Agree. Your focus should be on supporting your victim, YOUR HUSBAND. He needs your support now. The loserOM has caused great harm to your husband and your children. Please render first aide to your HUSBAND.

How is your husband, Helo the Hero, doing?

Helo, my hero, is stepping up. He is exposing to some of his friends so they aren't surprised when the gossip starts. So far he has received great support.

We still need to find some time together for undivided attention, but I hope to start fixing that soon.

The kids ... that one is something Helo and I struggle with.

However, just a couple conversations I have had with the 7 year old lately about being respectful and understanding that consequences have actions ... make me realize that he will understand some parts of a discussion.

Helo and I both agree that children should not be bothered with grownup issues - but there is an element of this that is appropriate for them. "I made a big mistake and I can't undo it. All I can do now is apologize, tell the truth from now on, and work at being respectful and loving to my family."

I don't want to beat around the bush, but I also don't want to trouble them with details they are much too young to handle. They don't need to be spouting some of these words (affair, infidelity, adultery) in the school yard. Even if I impress upon them that it is a private family matter, they will still likely repeat things they've heard - they are just kids.

I do not want them finding out from anyone else but us, but I have no idea how to tell them in the proper way. I do think telling them separately is a good idea - they tend to feed off each other and I want them to each have their own reactions and opportunity to ask their own questions.

Any links for suggestions would be appreciated.

Well, I would not tell them this story, that doesn't make any sense. That will just confuse them. Your kids ARE bothered by grown up issues, because this affair very much affects thier family. They will be better equipped to handle it if you tell them the truth. It is lies and adultery that harm little children, not the truth.



Don't beat around the bush, use straightforward, truthful language. Tell them mommy had an affair with JoeBlow from work and she is very sorry for the pain she caused to daddy. It is wrong for married people to have an affair. Explain to them why adultery is immoral. Don't confuse them with weasely explanations. That just confuses kids.


Better for them to hear it from you than from others when word gets out. Depending on a child's maturity level, most children 5 and up can understand the concept of adultery and why it is wrong. Steve Harley has told parents to tell children as young as 5.

I will put a call out to SMB, who told her 5 children about the affair.

The notion that adultery is an adult issue is misguided at best. Stocks and bonds are adult issues (unless your kid's a financial wiz, of course.) Adultery is a family issue. It directly affects your family.

Wow.

That's all I can say right now. I exposed to my neighbors and work today. Both went SO much better than I expected.

My neighbor was so supportive - she is such a wonderful person. I felt like an alcoholic going through the step where they need to apologize. I had been distancing myself from her because I was in the fog and not sure if I would be around much longer. We talked for a good long time and while she felt sad that we were going through this, she could tell I was excited and that made her happy for me. She is going to be a big help in watching the kids so BH and I can get some time together.

Then work. They are looking out for themselves and asked me to consider just how much exposure I wanted in the workplace. Perhaps just telling my managers is enough - what is the protocol? Do I need to expose to all of my co-workers? Or perhaps just the ones who I am closest to personally and who I don't want finding out in other ways. I want to respect my manager's first reaction not to expose it too much, but it does kinda go against the MB guidelines, right?

At any rate, it went very well and I am so proud of myself for taking responsibility today. Still lots of people to tell (including family) but that will come soon too.

I want to touch on telling your kids. What is your role as a parent? I believe our roles, as parents, is to teach our children how to be productive members of society. We need to TEACH our children how to be GROWN UPS. How do we do this? We do this by passing on our values and beliefs of what is right and wrong. Have you ever spoken to your children about what marriage is? Have you ever explained to them that when you are married, you don't "date" other people?

My children are 7 and 10. They were 6 and 9 last year, when I exposed to them. I told them about their father's affair. They KNOW that it is WRONG. They don't love their father any less. They understand that his actions went against everything that BOTH my WH and I had taught them. I can only imagine the confusion they would have had had they not been told the truth.

The children WILL have questions. You need to take this time to show them what you do when you do something wrong.