My 2 cents. You talked to WH for an hour. Go back to Plan B. Look at what this contact has done to you. You are emotionally vulnerable right now. You could always go into a Plan B with intentions of calling SH and asking HIM what to do.

I think in your posts, I can sense that you WANT to return to Plan B. If you are going to do that, however, you should make it as dark as possible.

I want to return to Plan B but am afraid how I will feel if Dad passes without H having made any effort to support me.

Plan B made me feel so protected I don't trust H as far as I can throw him.

Thanks Scotland.

Scotty, this is what I am worried about with Plan B.

Harmony, is your H aware of the gravity of your father's health situation? If so, how did he respond?

Waywards really aren't known for their love and support as long as they ARE wayward. It is more likely that her WH will be a real TURD during all of this.

I think you should forward the last few days posts to Dr H, and then get his advice on what you should do also.

Wh met with the Dr., so he should have a good idea where Whs head in at, and why there is such a problem in communication with you both, and trust.

You have a lot goin on right now, meeting with him again without a planned script could really hurt you. Talking to him seems to allways be painful, and we all are worried about you.

Stay calm and focus on your Dad and his needs right now, you have no problem with that, and it will allways be what you are glad you did.

Scotty, I fear you are right. My waywardness never came close to that so I have a hard time with the concept.

Harmony, my mother is right now in hospital dying. And I am in another state with my H trying to make things right. There is no good choice - just less bad ones.

Please check in with the Harleys, by phone or email or smoke signal. This is too much for you to navigate on your own, even with us solidly behind you.

And never, ever, forget that we are solidly behind you.

Plan B is going to HELP you. You keep letting this man in right now... it. will. only. hurt. you.

He is WW. He is not/will not/can not be there for you.

I am so sorry that you are going through all this right now.

But running back to an active WW and allowing him access to your life is like watching a bunny run into a trap. Nothing... I mean nothing positive is going to come out of it.

There is nothing he can do to really help you while he is WW.
Seriously, can you name one positive thing that has come from this contact?

I agree with SB

Harmony,
I remember in the beginning of my situation I thought all kinds of things that I thought my husband wanted and lots of times my thoughts weren't any where near what he was thinking or what he wanted. When you say you don't think he wants a divorce you might be right but Harmony he doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart, I think if he was serious about wanting to stay married to you, he wouldn't still be in contact with any other women.....
He would be showing you a man that you can trust and believe in reguardless of what you did(ask him to leave) he had to know continuing on with the other women isn't the way to win you back...
I say go ahead and meet up with him Tuesday, lay it out on the line and if he gives you any talk about wanting time apart, then give it to him and tell him you will have to be out of his life for good..........
I want you to go back to only thinking of you and your father for now......
He did have a couple of opportunities to say to you he wants to work things out, he didn't did he?
Harmony, I just don't have a good feeling about him yet........

Hi all

I feel like I am still being punished for my A. I have not heard a peep out of H since I told him Dad had 2 weeks left.

I am suppose to be meeting him tomorrow, I just want to say to him he should be here supporting me through this. What has happened to him?

It would be great if he could support you, as in that he would even be supporting your Dad. He might be an all or nothing kind of guy right now, and/or so depressed and confused, and not even be able to support himself. That, is what I see as his playing with all the OWs, his need for a womans support.


I hope he is seeing someone, (a therapist), to help sort himself out. These women are not the answer. He will have to see that also, before he gets seriuos.

I think you could ask him to stick by you for Dads sake, and help assure Dad you will work things out. But its on him if he is to weak, and that is NOT a slam on him, its just something with more guilt he will have to bear later, or deny.

Praying for you two.

Hi All


Need your help here supposed to be seeing H tomorrow night. Not sure if I should go or not.

H seems to want 'time appart' this is wayward talk right? Not sure why H continues to fence sit, this has been going on for 8 months, he surely doesn't want to pro long further. Does he want to see if there is somebody out there?

I could meet him and put my cards on the table, that if he is unable to support me through my Dad and needed more time appart then I intend to move on and file.

Or I could not meet him and say if he needed more time apart then that's whY he should do and go back into dark plan B.

Failing that I could go along and see what he has to say and let him know where I am at, that I love him I would be prepared to recover the M but if he wants more time appart then he can do that but I need to move on with my life without him. That he has shown no remorse for the pain he has put me through and he has not proven to me that I can trust him as he has given me
no reason to trust him. That I would need to see acceptance and remorse for his poor behaviour and commitment to making the M work, otherwise I am oug the door.

Harmony

Harmony,

You are a good person but to me you seem to be looking at this all wrong. You stated and asked Your focus is totally on you, and yet your Dad is dying. Why don't you focus on your Dad?

What you H does or does not do is not related to your Dad and the relationship you have with your Dad. Your relationship with your H is not the point right now, it is the one with your Dad. Focus on that one.

Your H is not a mindreader. If you really want him to visit your Dad ask him to do so, but before you do you need to know what you think this will help your Dad.

Seriously Harmony your Dad's situation is not about you in regards to your relationship with your H.

This should be a time for you to make your Dad's passing as pleasant as possible and one that you will look in the mirror years from now and know that you did your best for him.

Please think about this.

JL

You are right JL. I think we crossed posts. I was thinking of my Dad, only because I thought if I could sort the H situation out then Dad would feel more at peace. It was more for him really and me being worried I can't forgive afterwards.

I won't go meet him tomorrow I will go see my Dad instead. My brother is coming from Oz so he will be here with me.

Feel at peace with what's happening with Dad, frightened when I hear the news, that's all.

Thank you

harmony

Harmony,
Right now enjoy seeing your brother and taking care of Dad, if you do decide to see your husband, tell him this is what you have to do right now and that he should think about what he wants and that maybe in a week or two the two of you can sit down and figure what the plan for the future will be for the two of you.
Tell him that if he needs more time you aren't interested in waiting any longer, tell him you are at a crossroads and need to make a decision for your life and future.
Tell him that if he wants to say goodbye to your father that he should, who knows a visit might be good your Dad might have some influence over him, who knows.....
But for now, Dad is the focus, then you and your family...........
Your husband has removed himself, don't worry about him anymore, he has choices he is making and you can't control that so don't even waste any time on it right now............
jessi

Ok.

1. You are not sure if you want to give up on the marriage, so its plan B harmony. Dark, where you don't see him unless he wants to NC the bimbos, and counsel. Thats the beginning and end of that. Leave divorce out of your imediate descisions because the only time you think of it, it when you are triggered by lonliness, worry, seeing him with OWs, or those disjointed confusing half conversations mixed with whose fault it is which leave you frustrated.

So get an IM, tell him who it is, and have the IM filter all the communication..


Please answer me...Can/will you do that?


2. Your father should be your priority. Ask IM to ask WH if he would please see him, but only if it will be peaceful for your Dad, and WH can really,"be good like that" as you have said before.

I agree with JL that the time with your Dad does not have anything to do with the state of your marriage. Keep them seperate. If your husband is honest at all, he will tell your Dad he still has love for you, but is confused what to do. That is all you can expect, and WHs confirmation he will respect you to your dad.

Saying that to his face will give your dad the peace he needs, and whether you stay married or not or your version of how good you are doing will mean little in comparison. He wants to here it from Him, and he is not a fool that needs everything covered with lilacs when he knows there is trouble. If your WH really "is good like that", he will know this, and show Dad the proper respect. If you think WH will do something stupid and hurt Dad emotionally, ask WH what he plans to do, or don't bring him. Its as simple as that..

Get your brother to speak to WH reguarding this stuff. He might want to smack him, IDK, but for your Dads sake he can keep it together long enough to be your "IM" in this situation, even if not for your marrige, which I think will be to much for him to handle at this time.


Forget the marriage and all the issues surrounding the breakup for now. Concentrate on Dad, and only bring WH in where it will help give Dad peace. Thats the grown-up and loving thing to do.

Can/will you do that too?



Prayin for ya

Hi All,

Had some news that my Dad will last for a few more weeks as he has decided to have some injections to sustain him. He is surrounded by his family who are giving him so much love. Without sounding depressing, he is a very lucky man!



I talked this over with my sis to decide whether it is a good idea or not to have H dipping in and dipping out whilst this goes on or go Dark Plan B. It is clear he has no intention of being by my side supporting me through this. The best thing for me is to go Dark Plan B, as I was doing fine before. It would be worse for me, and insulting him calling me whilst getting up to god knows what. I am not going to meet him tonight as I would prefer to spend the time with people who really care about me (whoops that sounded bitter didn't it must stop that). So locks changed, number blocked and Scotty, Constant, Barbie, Marital and Jessi, let the dark Plan B commence.



He is my priority, my Dad and my family. I am so lucky with my family, we are all so close. My mum came and stayed with me last night, which was lovely. I think she is struggling too, there is obviously some strong feelings there. Also, I need to support her because I don't think she can show her feelings in front of her H. Oh BTW since I had the run in with SD, he seems to be very friendly with me. Maybe JL was right, asserting your boundaries does not mean instant change, it takes time. This whole process has made me think about the decisions I make in life. It really has. It has not made me feel negative about my background, just how important it is to make good clear decisions in life.

I went through my Dads 'box of doom' on Saturday. He had kept his divorce papers from all those years ago. He didn't want me to see them. He said there were not some very nice things. It seems after all the pain that my mother and father caused each other, there are some very strong feelings still burning. How strange. My Dad knows I am going to be ok thats the main thing.

Anyway, back in Dark Plan B.

Been to see Dad today he can only talk for a few minutes now, god this is tough, planning for someone to go when you don't want them too x

Harmony,
I remember when my mother was dying of breast cancer i would be so strong while I was with her, laughing and saying all the things I wanted to say and her to me as well. I would get in my car to go home and just fall apart, crying for an hour until I was tired right out, but I was strong for her...........it is so tough, sometimes I think it's tougher to go through it little by little, but at least you have an opportunity to say a good so long, remember that good men are hard to give up Harmony, it takes time.............
I'm glad you are going Dark Plan B, I think it will be easier for you .......
That problem in your life can wait for now................

Thanks Jessi that's comforting to know. It is a vert strange feeling, I am fine when I am with him, today was tough because he is very poorly. I just want to shake him and say get up let's go for a walk. I want to do something 'normal' with him. Good days and bad days.

Oh H sent a card to my Dad unprompted by me, nice thought.