Should We Have Children?
letter #2

Dear Dr. Harley,
My wife and I have been married for 22 years. At the time we were married, we both agreed to have children but wait a few years before having them. After 5 years, I was ready to have them but she hesitated. This went on for the next 8 years. Finally, we sought counseling where it came out that she didn't really want children for various reasons. A few years ago, she tried to come to accept the idea of having children but couldn't.

We have now been married for 22 years. I occasionally feel betrayed by her and also feel that we really lost out on something wonderful by not having kids. I have been seeking counsel for depression and am interested in your comments. I am resigned to the fact we won't have children but I can't help at times feeling really sad about how life turned out for us.

C.M.



Dear C.M.,
If you've read much of my material, you know that I make the quality of a marriage relationship a couple's highest priority. Once that's achieved, a couple can reach mutually agreed to objectives in a most remarkable way. On the other hand, even when a marriage relationship is good, objectives that are not mutually agreed to are foolish to pursue, because they are not in the best interest of at least one spouse.

For whatever reason, the objective of having children was not in the best interest of your wife, so she could not agree to it. Since it did not meet the conditions of my Policy of Joint Agreement, my advice would have been not to have children, which is what you did.

But now you are resentful that you did not achieve your objective. How can you overcome that resentment?

There are two kinds of resentment: (1) Resentment from being forced to do something you don't want to do, and (2) resentment from not being able to do what you want to do. You are suffering from the second kind of resentment.

I regard the first kind of resentment as far worse than the second, and I'll try to explain why. Whenever you are prevented from doing something, there is always the option to do something else that would be of equal value to you. And it could also be something that would have your wife's enthusiastic agreement.

But when you are forced into your spouse's agenda, and made to do something you don't like, there are no choices -- you are certain to feel used.

I would expect that you and your spouse may have problems that go beyond your decision not to have children. It may be that your depression is not from being prevented from doing what you want, but perhaps from being forced to do what you don't want. Look your lifestyle over very carefully, and ask yourself, "am I doing what I like, or am I being forced to do what I don't like." Remember, just because you don't have children does not mean that you can't have something else in your life that is fulfilling.

Perhaps the reason you are depressed is not that you don't have children, but rather that there is nothing in your life that gives you much pleasure or fulfillment. It's time to take a hard look at your lifestyle, not at whether or not you have children. Your wife is probably quite willing to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement in reference to all other areas of your life, and you should apply the same rule you applied to having children -- don't do it unless you are both enthusiastic about it.

Is having kids a deal breaker to you? In other words, if you could restore the passion and love to your marriage, could you be happy without kids?

[ I honestly think that much of this has to do with the lack of intimacy and stress and anxiety issues.