I had an affair 1 year ago, my H was out of the country for several months, my oldest daughter moved out of the house, I felt alone, abandoned, and depressed. The other man found me on facebook and im'd me...just casual conversation but it become more,the actual sex was one weekend but the conversations was longer.I cut all communication with him and have not seen him since which was very easy considering he lives out of the country. Anyway my H has still not been able to forgive me and we are like room mates in this house together. I am in therapy, and have been doing everything I can think of to try to make ammends with him. He is emotionally stuck and cant get around this. I am at the point now that I think we wont make it.....I am sensitive to his pain but I still have emotional, and physical needs and wants that are not being met. I feel rejected at every turn and I dont want him to leave but I dont want him to stay if our life is going to continue in this way.

Any advice is very much welcome....Thanks

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Do you have any MB-Plan related questions ?

So what have you done to earn his forgiveness? How have you made amends?

Like what, exactly?
For how long, exactly?
With what sort of attitude/expectations, exactly?

Also, when was your husband told of the affair? How long has he known all the truth? Has he been given all of the facts to his satisfaction?

he was told of the affair a week after it occurred. I have cut all communications with the other man, I have gone into therapy, I have given him all the passwords and access to emails, facebook, cell phone everything. I came clean and told him everything. I have given him time and space, I have told him where im going who im with when i will return let him know if plans change or if im going to be late, I have apologized continually begged him for forgivness, I have tried seeing it from his perspective and it makes me sick that I hurt him so badly. I just dont know what else to do.

OK


NOT OK
(nagging lovebuster)

latrvi, the one year mark is a very hard time for most victims of adultery.

But it doesn't sound like there is any plan for recovery here. Without a plan of recovery, you just a crippled pre-affair version of the marriage. His resentment would be somewhat alleviated if he participated in a plan of recovery.

That is where I would start. Get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley and the "Five Steps to Romantic Love" workbook and sell him on the program. You can buy those books cheap on this website.

I dont know where to begin. I dont know what to do, or how to get him to engage in our marriage again....you see he tells me im the one who is broken its my job to fix this....but I dont know how...how can one person fix this without the other involved to take the recovery journey with you?

Have you read the "Basic Concepts" link at the top of the page.
(see the red bar at the top of the page ... just under the Marriage builders trade mark)

That is where you begin. READ the concepts. Then ASK questions.
We cannot help you if you don't educate yourself about MB plans.

I think it's time you call the HArley's and have a solo session with them. They are good at giving strategies on recovering a marriage and at giving ideas to get BH to talk with them.

ive printed it all and i am as we speak reading it all

Hi

I am in a similiar situation with my H, and I empathise with how difficult it is.

I have spent 4 months posting on this site and it is a TOUGH road. If you are prepared to do the work you will get results.

I have had a few sessions with SH, and his advice was to treat my H like he has been in major car crash and he has a wound. So you have to treat him with care and time and patience.

Best of luck I am no expert, but you can do this if you really set your mind to it. LIsten to the experts here.

Harmony.

Harlely response to unfaithful wife on recovering marriage

Good article to start with.

G

Hello,

I am just trying to make sense of this. Your husband was out of the country for a couple of months (I assume for work) and your daughter recently moved out as well which made you feel lonely. You then have a weekend sexual affair with this OM. I am trying to figure out why would you be willing to destroy your marriage for a weekend affair when you knew your husband was coming back? Did you expect your husband to have a sexual affair when he was out of the country as well? What was the status of your marriage prior to his leaving. Did any of the affair occur in your home? (if it did then it would be a huge mental block for your husband). Did you engage in unprotected sex and if so have you been checked for STD's?

My question would be that surely you knew there would be consequences to your actions that would result in huge damage to your marriage. Why were you willing to risk that? Has your husband ever previously cheated on you and have you have suspected him of engaging in such behavior?

Your husband's desire not to engage in sexually intimacy with you may be due to his mind movies of you with the other man. It also may be due to his enormous pain caused by your betrayal. Telling him you have needs is not going to cut it. He clearly has tremendous anger and pain toward you and his lack of intimacy may be his only way of getting back at you and making you feel the pain he has. If the roles were reversed what would you want from him? Maybe this can help you meet his needs as well. I wish you luck.

Welcome, lat. Sorry you chose this path. Let's see if we can help.

How long married? Any kids?

Okay, opening questions aside: What the hell were you thinking?? OH wah wah! I'm so alone! I'm so depressed! I must have a man to destroy my marriage with me!!

Your BH can't get over this? I'm sure he can't.

How can we help you?