I did a nuclear exposure yesterday. My WH is so angry. He said I have pushed him further out the door, he doesn't want me anymore, and he says he can't trust me because I promised to not tell anyone and air our dirty laundry. I know it's going to be worse today because he doesn't yet know how many people know, including his commanding officer. He warned me to not mess with his military career or else.

I'm scared that he will really leave now and screw me and the children over. My kids are so young and need a father. I'm afraid he will be kicked out of the military. I don't want to end up broke and homeless with 3 kids!

Will the anger ever go away? Is it a mistake to tell everyone? I can't believe how angry he is.

Please try not to burst out laughing when he says insane stuff like this. If you feel a laugh coming on, leave the room first and then laugh. Laughing at the ridiculous things a freshly exposed WS says is a lovebuster.

The hilarity of the moment will blow over and he will come back to his senses.

The best thing to do is not react, stay calm and tell him you are so sorry he is upset but you felt everyone should know about his affair. Be polite and ask him if he would like a potato chip..

It sounds like you engineered a very effective exposure!! YOU GO, GIRL!! The angrier they are, the harder you nailed the affair!

Tell him that this is true, he cannot trust you to cover up his affair. NOPE. NO CAN DO! The only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping a bad promise.

Ican,

Welcome to MB. I am sorry to hear about the affair in your marriage. Please take several deep breaths and help us understand your circumstances.

How long have you been married? Children? Ages? Your ages?

Your H is in the military? Is OW military also? Is she married? Does her H know?

How did you find out about the affair? How long had it been happening? Does your H say that the affair is over? Do you have any evidence that it is continuing? Do they still work together? Do you have any evidence that OW wants to leave her H?

What do you mean by "nuclear' exposure"? Whom did you expose to, and how? (Letters, email, Facebook?)

How did your H find out about exposure?

Your H won't be allowed to leave you and the children broke and homeless. He has a legal responsibility to maintain the children, and possibly you.

Do you have paid employment?

Your H might leave if he has no intention of ending his affair. It is more likely, though, that he will explode and bluster for a few days but NOT leave.

"I can't trust you" is actually a hilarious thing for an adulterer (a liar and deceiver by definition) to tell his faithful wife.

Don't be frightened by him. The rubbish he spouts is not worth taking seriously - but breaking up the affair IS.

Good question. What do you mean by "nuclear" exposure? I hear that phrase being bandied about alot but it obviously has different meanings to different people. I have no idea what it means other than to "nuke" the affair. What do YOU mean by it?

Until the affair is busted up and killed...

your marriage/family had no shot anyway...

you haven't lost anything.

In fact...through exposure you MAY gain the opportunity to get it back.

Mr. W

Yes, the anger will go away. You just took the lollipop out of the little kid's mouth. They have a tendency to howl when their candy is taken away.

Expect to hear more drivel before it's over. He'll eventually blow himself out.

Your M can survive your WH's temporary anger. It cannot survive an active affair.

ICanDoThis,

As long as he's in the affair, he's already lost to you. By exposing the affair, you will "lose" nothing that isn't already lost, and you are "pushing" him nowhere that he hasn't already gone by his own choice.

You have done the right thing.

Unless you're willing to share him with another woman, then you should not be afraid of pushing him away. What you have done, in effect, is to stand up & make clear to him that his adulterous behavior is unacceptable. Bravo to you for doing this. You know that your children need a father who treats their mother with respect & decency and serves as a good example. They do not need a father around who treats you like dirt & models rotten behavior for them. You have given your husband an opportunity to choose what kind of man he wants to be. Do not regret this.

You have done the right thing.

I agree with the other posters but I understand your fears. When he goes off on you repeat this to yourself. "I have control now. I am doing the right thing for our family." After a while you will start to see how ridiculous he is acting. He is mad because you shined a floodlight on is dirty secret. He made this mess not you and he has to deal with the consequences. Read as much as you can on this site. Maybe one of the Vets can point you to a post that lists all the usual fog babble WS say.

We've been married for 15 years, I'm in my mid 30s he's in his mid 40s, we have 3 children, two boys and a girl, 8,6 and 3.

I found out about the affair a week ago. I confronted him and he came clean. He is still in the affair. He doesn't want to give her up because they are in love and want to get married. He says our marriage is over and has been for a long time, he was just waiting for the right time to tell me.

I told everyone I could think of to tell, my family, his family, my friends, his friends, people on facebook, co-workers. I did it mostly by phone calls and email. I got her information but I'm scared to tell her friends and family because I'm scared of her. And yes she is in the military. I'm truly afraid for my safety if I say anything to anyone on her side of the equation.

I know he is already lost to me. I want to plan A but I'm so angry I don't know if I have it in me. He won't stop seeing her and it tears my heart into a million shreds.

Oh and no I don't work.

Is exposure a mistake if the marriage is over anyway?

No. All of the people you told plus all of her friends, family and military supervisors need to know that she is breaking up a family with young kids.

Let them know that it is news to you that your marriage is in trouble (aside from the affair).

Maybe someone will be able to knock some sense into her.

Why? Has she threatened you?

Is she married?

Hi there,
Don't fret about what you have exposed, you didn't do anything other than to try to save your marriage for yourself and your children.
Now move on to the next step, he can't leave you with nothing, you are married and he is responsible for you and the kids, go see a lawyer and see what your next step should be, you have to protect yourself.........Then go to the bank and do what you can there to protect yourself, the $ and house is 1/2 yours don't forget that.....
Keep yourself safe, don't put yourself in any danger, do not leave your home, let him leave if that is his choice, keep telling him you want to save your marriage and that you love him still and are willing to work together to save your marriage and family.......
Don't listen to anything he says, waywards spin their own stories to justify what they are doing..............Life has a way of taking care of itself, you have done your job now it's up to him and the consquenses of his actions...........
Sit back and watch things fall apart for him...............
Look up fog babble and exposure and Plan A and Plan B.......
First and formost is looking after yourself and your children first.............don't worry about him right now, he isn't with you and your kids now anyway........the affair has to be over before any reconnect can happen, sometimes it just has to play out to get any clarity................that's where your patience will have to be put into place..........think the big picture and not the present for now....

You shouldn't be scared of her, SHE should be scared of you. I bet she is shaking in her boots right now and doing damage control with her family and friends. The longer you wait to expose to OW's family and friends the less of an impact it will have on them. Get to them before she does. DO IT NOW.

Have you told your older two kids about the affair? You should do this.

Sure he will stop seeing her if you ruin the affair. Which is what you will do if you expose the affair. I would most certainly expose to her side of the family. She should be afraid of YOU, not the other way around.


Your marriage is not over. You are still married and have as much chance as anyone to save it.

Why are you afraid of some scabby old ho?

All waywards say garbage like this. I'm bumping a thread for you so you can see how common these kinds of statements are.

Sorry you are here ICanDoThis. But, you will get amazing support here.