I like this one.

tc, your sense of humor must be as bad as mine - I thought that was pretty funny too. I don't know why, it doesn't even make any sense, lol.

Sh2p!!! If you're around, I'm high-jacking my own threyad for you. I wanna know how this went:
Opt

I'm a twisted dude Opt, it's just the way I was made I suppose.

Well, in that case TCCG, I think we're both going to be just fine, lol.

opt

That WAS a very good point AGG...yes she's still wrapped up in her past. Russian spy, huh? Maybe that's what happened with my exfiance? LOL

Yes do please tell us about the other two. And why does the one who's been divorced 20 years intimidate you so?

Those are schtoop's. I'm hoping he'll chime in too with an update .

Meanwhile, I've moved on from the Halloween Heartbreak. Met a woman thru some on-line thing. We had been talking for a little while, finally got together for coffee last Sunday. 2nd date planned for Saturday. She's pretty cool, we had fun.

Tryin' to go easy.

Opt

I've gotta hand it to you, I'm not even remotely interested in talking to someone on line or anywhere, just don't trust people anymore!

Now you're talking!

AGG

Alright, since you asked....

I'm going to go ahead and start my own thread on this forum and stop hijacking Opt's.

C'mon over for the adventures in dating.

Awwww schtoop, it was a pleasure having you on my thread. Kinda like having a cool roommate for a while, lol.

--See you over your new "house."

Opt

I love that, really cute response!1

Haven�t updated in a while, so here goes.

I�ve been seeing this woman who�s about my age for a couple of weeks. She�s 41. Just out of a 5 year marriage. No kids. She works hard and has her independence. She�s genuine as the day is long and a little naive but with a pure spirit that I can sense. She has boundaries (although has trouble enforcing some of them around me...). She�s attractive but not glamorous; naturally beautiful and she�s confident like nothing I�ve ever seen. She�s emotionally mature and sure of herself.

I broke all the rules with her - 1. Don�t get too emotionally attached to the first one that gives you attention, 2. Don�t get too physical too fast, 3. Don�t date exclusively.
I knew what was happening but I didn�t want to stop it. I got caught up in it.

As the dates became more serious and more intimate, so did the talk of the future. Way into the future, including from AGG�s list (like who�s going to move in with whom, etc.). I started to feel suffocated. Unfortunately, when I expressed my feelings (on Tuesday), I got a lot of push-back. �You need to this...and you need to that...� and a lot of semi-accusatory questions �what�s changed?� and �what did I say?�

Not ready for that kind of intensity. And I definitely don�t need the drama.

So Wednesday I asked her to not call me for a couple of days. A request she honored. We were to go out today, Saturday. This a.m. I texted (she�s in NY with friends) and I said I couldn�t go out and I�d explain more when we talked. Haven�t heard from her all day.

I feel kinda bad. She was really into me and I wasn�t ready for the kind of commitment she was looking for. I can�t get into a LTR right now, GMAB.

So, what did I learn?

Not ready to date. Not like that anyway.

I wasn�t trying to be careless, and I never lied to her, but I definitely have to be more careful.


opt

Sorry Opt. Dunno what to say except sorry my friend.

Travis

Hey Travis, thanks for checking in. I know you have a lot going on in your situation, it's nice of you to take the time for others as well.

I haven't heard from her and that makes me think we're through. I'll miss her, but I'm not so concerned about me. I know she's disappointed and I feel bad about that.

However, I woke up this morning thinking that I never said anything to mislead her. I don't want to be that guy, not after all I've been through. Ultimately, I feel like I stepped in with the intervention as soon as I felt like things were spinning out of control. And certainly I could have let it go on for quite a while.

Opt

You know Opt, I think it's easy to get caught up in the good feelings. You did the right thing by putting on the brakes when you got uncomfortable though; you're right in that it could have gone on much longer with a lot more potential for... mayhem. Good for you for recognizing that. Probably doesn't make you feel much better though...

Hope you're having a decent weekend; trying to keep busy myself but it's challenging. Taking two of the kiddos out for a hike in a few. Fresh air is a beautiful thing!

Travis

Opt, sorry to see this outcome, but really, this is moving WAY too fast. Two weeks after the first date you are discussing who is moving in?? The other thing you sort of mentioned that would be a red flag is that she's "just out" of her marriage. That makes it TWO people who are not yet ready for a relationship trying to date each other, an accident waiting to happen. BTDT .

How about revisiting the idea of postponing exclusivity for a number of weeks after first meeting someone? It'll do you (and her) good .

AGG

Here's a question I've been wondering, AGG.

Is exclusivity (say, a month after beginning to date) considered okay if you've known the person well over a year before you started dating? Or is the clock somehow reset?

I don't think of exclusivity as a function of a clock, but rather as a function of how well you know the other person.

If you know the person well, such as through previous "friends" relationship, that is a definite plus, and counts for a lot. You probably can go into "exclusive" dating very quickly.

The whole point about delaying exclusivity is that exclusivity should not be granted lightly. When it is, it often leads to the awkward situations we see here time and again - people become exclusive, some surprise pops up, one person wants out, and the other accuses them of giving them false promises, etc. Dating always involves a certain amount of faith in the other person, but exclusivity is a bit of a promise, and should not be given lightly. I have learned this lesson the hard way too many times; each time thinking that I knew the person enough, getting "serious", and then finding out some "little" detail that the other person "neglected" to tell me, that was a dealbreaker.

Anyway, in your case, if you know the person fairly well, you are better off. Just realize that even in this case, there may be some facts that were never revealed to you as a friend, but would or should be revealed to you as a dating partner, and that may change your view of the person. So again, use caution .

AGG

Hey Opt, there you go again with the parallel worlds.

I'm at the same place you were, getting caught up with moving too fast. The only difference is that I haven't put the brakes on yet, not sure I want to.

All I can say is that you're doing the right thing by know what your limitations are right now and pulling things back in. I know it sucks, what if you're blowing a chance at what might turn out to be a really great thing? Lots of self-doubt there.

But, I certainly know how easy it is to get caught up in a new relationship. No wonder affairs are so addicting. Think of everything we've gotten caught up into, then throw in a dash of secrecy and adventure. Probably what it feels like.

Like I said, I'm kind of in the same boat you are without putting on the brakes yet. We're not yet exclusive and haven't started talking the long term plans, but definitely in the stage where you want to see each other every possible opportunity.

My big dilema is that she wants to meet the boys and not be exclude from what is now half (or more) of my life. I think I'm ready for her to meet them, but I want to do it for the right reasons and not for selfish desires. The whole thing has me really conflicted, and I even went so far as to tell the WXW that introducing her to the kids was something I was ready to do.

Talk about stirring up a hornet's nest! But, I'm not going to let her control my life anymore, either. It's just hard to know what the right thing to do is.

Thanks for letting me vent on your thread. I'd rather deal with these issues than an unfaithful spouse, especially when it feel so good to be together.

Good luck with your new interest. Hope ya'll come around and straighten things out. Remember what you've learned here, it wouldn't be a bad thing to call or meet her and talk all these things out. Just be honest and let her know how you feel.

Wow, I'm kind of shocked! It sounds almost as if she's looking to replace her husband...real fast! You'd do good to run. If she's as special as you say, it'll keep, but something tells me she'll hitch up with the next guy, real fast. She's going for what she is comfortable with.
Try to slow way down with the next one. Don't call every day, keep it on a lighter tone. Good luck, it's all a live and learn!

My ex-fiance and I got into our relationship too fast too...against my better judgment I let him talk me into exclusivity. Look where that ended!