Lol, DNM, I have been handed my head before by scottie when i would, "get mad for her" at bampot. Welcome to the club.

This just made me smile.
This demonstrates the very center of the MB plans.
KNOW THY SELF ... and apply the plans accordingly.

We fellow MB-ers, as interested/concerned/helpful outsiders, offer our version of what the BS "should do" based on the MB plans, while NOT always based on the BS's current love bank balance.

I LOL when I read a very first post to a newbie MB-er ... "Go to plan B immediately" ... ??? WTH? Interestingly enough, this is often written by an enthusiastic FWW with good intentions, but no real working knowledge of what the Plan B emotional costs are for a BS who loves his/her WS. Especially when there are children to consider.

It's EASY for those of us who not only do not love the WS but actually hold the WS in distain .... to offer up advice like: "File for divorce" or "Plan B right away, like yesterday" or "Throw the bum out".

Scotty, this is why your thread gets so many hits.
Your strength of mind and spirit.

I trust you Scotty, to know when you are ready.
You are exactly where you need to be.
Protected from the adultery as much as possible.

That is the real purpose of Plan B.

When your love bank balance is low enough, you might decide to file for divorce if Bampot has not already done so himself.
Or, you might be comfortable enough to wait for him to file.
Because you can.
Because you know yourself.

The BEAUTY of Plan B is seen in Scotty's strength, her self protection, and the fact that she still has love for her dumbazzwaywardBampot.

We may not love him, but SHE does.
And that is to be respected.
Because, Plan B helped her preserve that love.

Thanx Pepperband. For the first time in a while, I CRIED.

But it wasn't because I was sad. It was because what you were saying was TRUE.

It IS hard to go into Plan B at first because the BS DOES usually love the WS. BUT, it IS the best thing. That is why DrH is a GENIUS.

Just today, a man that I have known since before I met Bampot, came into my workplace. He said, "Hey, do you remember me?" I said, "I do but I can't really place the name. I know that I know you from cadets." He said, "It's (NAME). I work with your husband too. I have been working from home for the past 3 years though."

I said, "Oh, so you don;t know then? Bampot is having an affair and he left the boys and I last year, just before Christmas and he lives with her. Her name is WF." He then said, "She works there? Oh wait, I remember her. But I thought she likes black guys(she even said this to me once as a defense for WHY they WEREN'T having an affair)." Then he proceeded to tell me some things about her and her "friends." Apparently, they troll for married men. AH-HA. Of course, once again you guys were RIGHT. He doesn't have any example of someone specific, and I didn't ask. He was talking to me about her and Bampot. He kept saying, "But Bampot loved you so much. You guys have been together FOREVER. He is so smart. He is quiet, how did he even meet her?" I explained. It gets to a point where it is like I am talking about someone else's life. Then I explained how I would reconcile with him, without HER. He said the, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I told him that I would not go into detail, but I am doing a program that was online and created by a man who has saved THOUSANDS of marriages and specializes in saving marriages after affairs. I explained to him that I don't talk to Bampot as part of these plans.

He wished me luck. He told me that he has seen Bampot a few times this past year, when he would go into the office, but that they just say HEY. I told him to feel free to say whatever he wishes to him now.

It didn't throw me for a tailspin. I may have Bampot on my mind more often than usual in the next few days, but it is okay.


Now more on MY Plan B. I DO still have love for Bampot. Originally, when I was told to go to Plan B, I felt like I had enough love in the bank to do a longer Plan A. I wouldn't have lasted much longer without LBs. Funny thing is too, while you are in Plan B, you feel like you COULD do more Plan A. I HAVE questioned myself on if I did a good enough Plan A. Then I re-read my thread from that time, and my journal. I am CERTAIN that I did an EXCELLENT job. I also know that I was in PAIN then, and I wouldn't have lasted much longer without TRUE harm. I am a perfectionist though(when it comes to me following rules), so I see where I could have done better, but I instead use that towards helping others with their Plan A.

I don't know where I will be in 13ish months(the minimum end of MY Plan B). I don't know how I will feel then. I DO know, however, that Plan B is a godsend. That I needed Plan B, and still do. I am FOREVER grateful for MB, DrH and THIS forum. I cringe when I think about where I would have been without it.

Keep reading everyone. I am glad to share my story with all of you. Let's see where this life takes me, shall we?

Hmmmmm......I think you just shared the time line for your PB. If you've told before I missed it.

Actually, that is the minimum. My actual end date for MY Plan B is longer than that. Nice try though.

I am with you Scotty...and everytime I hit my date I have moved it up so far, reevaluated...I just figure that Ill know in my heart when it will be time, ya know?...I have NO desire to date anyone, so I feel whats the rush?....I am just enjoying the time with my DS right now and feel I still need some work on me....

Time goes by so fast when all is well, and passes so slowly when its not, and this is not a race or a competion is it?

The timeline will come from your heart Scotty, and you will know.

Realized this morning, after I woke up from a dream where Bampot and I were driving around talking, that yesterday was the 1-year anniversary of DDay for the PA. I didn't even think about it at all. BUT, it was one of the worst days I have EVER had at work. I missed the bus, because it had been re-routed for the Santa Claus Parade. Got a ride from my mom, who then proceeded to complain about Bampot letting DSx2 miss the parade since they haven't ever missed one. Customers gave me attitude, employees were cranky, my replacement didn't show up and it was BUSY. All around a pretty awful day.

Then, DS10 comes home and tells me that he was sick. So, a restless night taking care of my kiddo. He's still sick this morning and is crying because he doesn't want to get up and go with Bampot. Can't blame him, I don't want to go anywhere when I am sick either, but I have to go to work. It is times like these that I get the most angry at Bampot for leaving us. It's times like these that I hate Plan B. Otherwise, I could call and find out how DS10 is doing. Bampot is a TURD.

Off to work, hopefully I have a better day than yesterday.

(((Scotty)))
It's a lonely club were in. You can't really say to your cranky customers "take it easy on me, today is the anniversary of D-day."
I don't think they would know what that means really.

Anniversaries are something though. You didn't think about it, but I wonder if it was in the back of your mind?
As you know I've moved on from Marriage, but the anniversaries still linger. Nov 22 was one. Christmas eve is another.

I hope you had a better day too!

Opt

I still marvel at your absolute conviction and strength of mind and spirit Scotty.
I can say I think I would still be in Pln B had XH not filed for D and would have been looking to you for guidance.
I hope you had a wonderful weekend with your DS's and continue to inspire everyone on here!!!

I hope it was better trooper. Your post reminded me of something, a mindset, a conviction if you will, that kept me going in my marriage, and truthfully, kept my wife going when the kids were young.

It IS all about the innocent little children sometimes, even when things are not good between the adults, the children must be cared for, and protected.

I won't speculate WHY I did not make enough money, lets just say I was always struggling to get by, while I promised the children I would someday have a job/career that would give us all the comfortable things life can offer, and time to spend with them which was my biggest concern and desire, to protect and provide them a good life. My wife used to live that way too, and never showed her inner fears, at least not to their face. But to mine, she was not happy, and said "if I only had a house" or "why don�t you take me for walks and are always working?� The answer to the later was, I had experienced what it felt like to not be respected, and the most respect she showed me was either..

"I'm doing what God expects a wife to do, so I expect he will honor that by giving me my hearts desire, and that is a house and security of one" Then it would fall on me to get one, by hook or by crook, and of course, this hurt, because of the other side of her personality was..

She would talk to me like a guidance counselor, like I had some kind of problem and didn't go out and get one. All smiles and condescending patronizing like I was a child she needed to conjol and encourage. Also, she would bring up God, and if I would just....Very manipulating and insulting really. What had happened to the statements she said a few years ago? About we would be alright even if we struggled with money, we had each other and our family?

I realized she meant well even though it was obvious she didn't think much of me. I also knew no amount of money or stuff was going to fix the relationship. Her values were NOT like mine. She had a problem with her own self esteem, and she would impute God to fix it, but it was her way, not his.

But in that time, there were moments, where we both trusted that we were doing the right thing being together, and I took the role I had since we started the relationship. The caretaker, the understanding guy, the man who also wanted a house and to work less and be with his wife and family more. During those times we would pray for those things together, and she would open up about her fears, and I would try my best to remove them, build her up, sell myself and re-exclaim my dedication to our family and those things too. I would tell her how I dream of someday taking her to the biggest resort I could find, and we could know we made it. Sometimes out of the blue she would come to me and do something so sweet and supportive, it would make my cry. Like writing me a note and putting a lipstick kiss on it and putting it in my lunch. She would call me and tell me she missed me, and how proud she was of me.

Then out of the blue, she would disappear with some story, for a couple days, leaving the kids either with me, or arranging babysitters. Ussually to party somewhere, because she had to live it up, and after all, I wasn't working hard enough, or smart enough, for her, obviously.

The point is, the kids never saw it, and when they suspected something was wrong, it got covered up. The best they would get out of me was, "Mom went to help so-n-so, and even though I don't agree with it, she is free to do what she wants, and you should tell her how it makes you feel when she gets home". Revealing that she was a two-faced liar to me, or leaving and making them feel abandoned by BOTH of us, because the children did not see that side of her, and never expected that from a Mom who loved and cared for them when she was around them. Well, that would have torn them apart.

Sometimes Scotty, we must show how to love even when another adult is really messing up. That is the thing they need most, is our example. As you walk the boys though this time, you have been a shining example for them of right and wrong, love and forgiveness. Regardless of how Bampot tears you up inside, it is clear that you have a great capacity for love, and I know they see it in your actions. Knowing Bampot is an adult, and they are little kids, teaching them about responsibility to others where it really counts will mean someday, when they are older, they will ask more questions, that will be difficult to answer without revealing Dads mistakes. It would mean a lot if Bampot could explain his issues, and take responsibility for his actions, but I am confidant the Kiddos will do fine with you as their Mom. They can love and even forgive him, but they won�t respect the disrespectful, or Him, till he respects himself, and you.

I pray this time is over soon for you. I know you love the stubborn Bampot for good reason, and wrapped up in that must be something good and decent about him. When his fantasy is over, and he still wakes up and sees himself in the mirror again, and he realizes he belongs at home with you. I am sure he will realize what a mistake he made. Lets hope he is not to proud to admit it.

Thanx for your post CP. YEsterday was a better day at work. DS10 came home, walked in the door and proclaimed, "LOOK I'm NOT sick anymore." He was bouncing off of the walls the rest of the night.

I got a message from my IM today(it was actually sent yesterday but I didn't check it). It said, "How did DS7 get that scratch under his nose?" I sent back, "He has a runny nose and was rubbing it." SERIOUSLY? Things happen to kids sometimes. I know it looks awful but other than taking care of it, there is nothing I can do.

OMG, my DS nose looked like that everytime he had a cold...until recently, I think he doesnt rebel against blowing his nose as much anymore....but at 7...forget it, it was like I was asking him to clean his room or sumthin..hahahahahahaha.

Gosh, I mean after all this crap these waywards put their kids through and now hes concerned about a scratch on his nose...if he knew his kid better he would not have had to ask....He would know!

I know right. DS10 would lick his lips and chin to the point that it was raw. I would have to put cream on it.

I asked my IM when he sent the message. She said that he sent it at 230pm yesterday. It said, "What is the scratch on DS7's nose? I have asked him and he won't tell me." I asked DS7 if Bampot asked him, he said "Yes." Then I said, "What did you tell him." He said, "I told him that I didn't know." And rightly so. because he is SEVEN. He doesn't realize that when he rubs his nose with his shirt(because he REFUSES to use tissues) it scratches his face. It actually started on Thursday. It just looks really bad now, because it is bigger.

I got a bit angry about it because it is like he is questioning my parenting. But that would be a DJ. He could just be concerned with his son's welfare.

On another note, I was brought into the principal's office at school today. Apparently, my children were chosen to receive some extra help from donations from the school board this year. I feel a little torn though. I feel like there are other families with greater need than ours. I feel like I should refuse it. My friends told me that it is a good thing and I should accept it. Of course we could use the help, but so could some others. I dunno yet what I am going to do.

TAKE THE HELP OFFERED.

You're not begging, drop your pride about it and be grateful for the gift.

Gratitude. Can't be grateful without receivin'! So, receive.

Take it Scotty....I agree with CWMI...Dont feel guilty about it...Of course there are others that could use it more, but there is always someone more needy....Doesnt mean you dont need it too or deserve it, ya know?

Scotty - as they say you can pay it forward. Your strength and perseverance you know is paying it forward.

Can't fault you for the sentiment. Just consider this however: there is a pretty lengthy selection process for these types of grants/donations. Lots of factors get considered. I would say if you've been chosen, you are the best candidate according to several folks whose job it is to make that decision.

Opt

That's the way that the principal said it too. He said that the two teachers had to write something about why our family deserves it and they did an excellent job.

I guess it is something I should accept and be thankful for it. I have just always been one of those people who thinks that people should only accept handouts if they actually need them. I HATE when people take advantage of it. I know I am not one of those people. I guess a thank you card is definitely in the works.

There's a big difference between looking for a handout, and accepting an offered hand up.