How is the injured spouse supposed to be acting toward her wayward husband during withdrawal? I am the wayward husband and am taking a long time in withdrawal, with lots of ups and downs. My wife wants to wait until I have absolutely not an ounce of feeling for my friend (this was an emotional affair, nothing physical)before we start reconciliation. My thinking is that the sooner we start reconciliation the faster the remaining feelings will go away and the more sure my recovery. We have been married nearly 44 years and this is the first (and only) affair of our lives. Comments?

WeTwo, as long as you are more concerned about your feelings for your OW than you are for your BW, you cannot expect your wife to have one ounce of sympathy for you.

And nothing will repulse your wife more than knowing you refer to a lying, sneaky, destructive cheatfest that tore out your wife's very soul as "an affair of the heart" with "a friend".

Where is your empathy for your betrayed wife?

Do you have contact of any kind with your OW? If you do, that's why withdrawal is taking so long. You must understand that you will NEVER go through withdrawal as long as there is contact with the OW in any way, shape or form.

Ummm...this was the first and only affair of your life. It was the first searing betrayal of your BW's life by her most trusted companion in her most sacred relationship.

Your BW is too wounded to be ready to "reconcile" with you until she is sure she isn't going to get destroyed again. What are YOU doing to help heal the pain you have caused her?

Very, very cautious. Some BS' may choose to give the perpetrator an opportunity to prove he is sincere about ending recovering the marriage, but it must be backed up by actions. What have you done to ensure you don't do this to your w again?

Have you ended all contact with your OW? If she is married, has her H been notified? Have you sent a no contact to this OW?

What is your plan to recover the marriage and protect your wife in the future?

Mulan,
Thanks for the reply but I am not the least concerned for the feelings of the OW. I don't know how you read that. I have empathy for my wife, and I know I have put her through hell, for which I am very sorry. I am avoiding all contact with the OW as much as possible. We are in the same social group and see her when my wife and I go to group gatherings. This is difficult for me but I am making progress. We are considering moving.

Recovery can start AFTER No Contact has been achieved. If you see OW occasionally then your affair is pretty much still alive. Your BW is very smart to not believe you talking about recovery in a situation like that.

WeTwo,

If you have not done it already, get and read the book "Surviving an Affair", by Dr. Harley. Then follow the advice in it without deviation. You must end all contact with the OW for life. Moving is an excellent idea. You and your wife can then recover your marriage, making it better than ever by determining and meeting each other's most important emotional needs.

You and your wife have many years together. Best wishes to both of you in getting through this. Here on the forum, the time after discovery is referred to as the rollercoaster. It can last quite a while. You can help by 1) ending all contact 2) being entirely transparent in your activities and communications 3) providing just compensation (read about it on this site).

BTW, referring to OW as your friend and your adultery as an affair of the heart is insulting to your wife. Most of the posters on this forum will deliver a swift 2X4 for that kind of wayward speak on this forum.

AM

Since this is your �first� time, maybe you should just use this as a learning experience. You will know better next time it happens what to do.
Since you are obviously entitled and beyond reproach����..
Maybe you should seek treatment for your irrational wife?
Affair of the heart���HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Wetwo, have you read all of the materials provided here for you?

How did your BW find out about your affair?

Who has been told about your affair? Have you exposed to your children? What about the social group?

The first thing that you need to do is end ALL contact with your affair partner. This is the MINIMUM that a wayward spouse needs to do.

This is not good enough. ALL contact has to end in order for you to withdraw. Every sighting puts you back to day 1 of recovery. Apparently, you are not taking steps to avoid her. You need to QUIT that social group. Does that social group know that you and the OW got it on in a filthy affair? Your friends need to know this so they can protect their marriages from you both AND keep an eye on you.

Is the OW married, and if so, does her husband know what you did?

If your wife won't reconcile until you withdraw, then she needs to know you will NEVER withdraw this way. The affair really hasn't ended all contact ends.

Hi there,
I'm so glad you made it here to this site, it is never to late to learn how to be a great spouse and how to consider their feelings as well as your own,
I have been married and together with my husband a long time as well.
44 years is a long time to feel safe in a relationship, I'm sure your wife's security and feeling safe with you in gone now.........her belief system has been shattered.
First of all for your wife's sake all contact with the OW has to end, you never have to see the woman that shattered your wife's life again, why would you do that to her. You have created a problem and you have to take the situation and control it for her.......You do not have any contact with the OW at all from here on, you gave up that right and it's a cruel thing to do to your wife.............
Then you work at meeting your wife's needs for now, and when she is ready she will let you know, until then you remain faithful and be the man she can rely on and trust her emotions with.
This isn't about you anymore or the affair, this is about your marriage and your wife.........
If you can't live with no contact and put your wife's feelings first then leave and move on with your life............
Your wife is hurt and is not trusting you to make decisions that her best interest at heart, you have proven you are capable of this.........it's your job to prove yourself now...........

I would put the For Sale sign in the yard. If it's 'difficult' for you to see OW at social gatherings, think what a nightmare it must be for your BW. Obviously you can no longer attend those gatherings. I can't imagine why you are continuing to do so in the first place.

END ALL CONTACT.

Get your wife posting here.

I read your lack of concern several ways: Because you refer to the OW as a "friend", and because you refer to your cheating as "an affair of the heart". You don't seem to have considered how sickening it is to your betrayed wife to hear you talk like that.

Do you realize that the following lines are right out of the Wayward Spouse Script?

1) I loved her, therefore it wasn't an affair.
2) I didn't love her, therefore it wasn't an affair.

Maybe you think that if you were helplessly swept up in love with your girlfriend, it means you just couldn't help yourself and you are therefore innocent of bad intentions. Sorry, but nobody here will buy that. You made a choice to cross the line with your OW and then you continued to make the same choice day after day after day.

There was nothing special or wonderful about your affair. It was nothing but a knife in your wife's back. Do you think that is special and wonderful? When you stop thinking of it as special and different and wonderful, then maybe you can have some empathy for your betrayed wife.



Sorry, this is not good enough. You can never see or talk to this OW *at all, ever* - not if you want to get through withdrawal and save your marriage.


Once again, you only talk about how difficult it is for you. You are not a victim here. You chose this course and now the mess is yours to clean up. So again: Where is the empathy for your wife when she has to look at the woman you ignored her for and lied to her for? How does your wife feel about having to see her husband's girlfriend?

Considering moving? MOVE. If you think that's expensive, it's nothing compared to the financial and emotional cost of divorce when your wife finally leaves you because you think having a girlfriend for a while shouldn't be that big of a deal (especially when she's a "friend" and it's "an affair of the heart") and why can't your wife just get over it?

But the bottom line is: You will have no empathy for your wife until you break off 100% of your contact with your OW. You'll be like an alcoholic who is still drinking and you won't be able to see the damage done until you're completely off the booze.

Dear Mulan,

I am not more concerned with my feelings than with those of my BW. Sorry for that impression. I came on this site to ask a question for my BW who wants to know what to expect of her own feelings during the period of my withdrawal.

For the record,with no justification for me intended,this affair was not sneaky. I walk our dog twice a day in a park with a number of friends from our social group. I have tried a number of times to get my BW to join me in this little bit of recreation. She was fully aware of my walks with the OW as my BW and I cared for her dogs when she was away and we all had many interactions over a period of 4 years. I do "get it" that I should refer to this as my infidelity. Thanks for your input.

WT - you are still trying to defend and justify and minimize your affair. If your wife was "fully aware" that you were walking your dog with OW, your wife probably said nothing because 1) she did not want to look like the jealous clingy wife, and 2) she trusted you.

A whole lot of now-betrayed wives fell into that trap.

And certainly there was plenty more going on here than dog-walking, or there wouldn't be a problem now.

Something you may not have thought about: You can insist all day long that this was "only" an emotional affair and sex was never a factor, but your wife will never know that for sure. The lies you told her while you were cheating have wiped out that option. It's something she will have to live with for the rest of her life, no matter what happens to the marriage.

Will your wife post here? She could get much support. You can of couse continue to post on your own thread, but she will have her own and you should never post on each other's threads.

Please invite your wife to post here.

Thank you so much for your very helpful and considerate reply. I can live with no contact and am diligently observing that principle. We and the OW live close to each other and our locale is a small place where everyone has some chance of seeing each other. The OW is part of our circle of friends and this is the hard part for both my BW and I. In your opinion, should we let the others in the group know that we are leaving them socially and explain why? All of them know of my affair. We have been talking about moving for some time as a function of downsizing and now we have an even more compelling reason. We are preparing our house for sale.

Oh OK we get it now!! It was your wife�s fault! She should have walked your poodle, if she had, none of this would have happened!! (Edit)

Huh?? Just a few hours ago you said:
And now you're also saying:

Which is it?

To answer your question: it's really very simple if your circle already knows about the affair. You tell your friends that, while you love them, you have chosen to exclude yourself from this circle of acquaintances in order to protect your M.

Yes, the more transparency, the better for all. I take it her husband knows of the affair?


Great idea!