Well, Tom, it's because you're the one posting here.

I would:
Stop feeling sorry for myself. Start making your own happiness instead of playing the victim. What I mean by this is get a piece of paper or something and look at your end goal in life in what would make you happy. Now start working backwards on options that will get you to your end goal.

Now your wife signed up for a happy marriage for life with a partner that loves her, cherishes her, and protects her. You are not doing this. If you cannot, then she doesn't need you...she needs someone that can provide this for her. She doesn't need someone to fake it until they decide they are unhappy enough to drop them out of the blue.

I was giggling a little when I read your original post� not at your situation I am very simpathetic... I think most of us want some super extravagant love story and have to settle for the reality� it sucks sometimes to live is some sort of disappointment. Anyway thank you.. it helps to know I am not alone! Good luck with your situation!

Tom, there's a plan here for BOTH you and your wife to be happy, together. Why don't you try it?

Tom, you're the one on here justifying your need to lie to your wife. Thats the only thing I have commented on, lies are cruel and damaging however you look at it.

Unfortunately you can't expect your wife to change in any way if you're not telling her what you feel and what you need from her. So how can we sympathise with you when you put obstacles in your own way and sit on a marriage builders board refusing all marriage builders advice.

Rosy, I have not been rejecting all of the advice here. If you recall I was actually trying to impliment some of the ideas and advice I was given over the summer.
I have been against the idea of radical honesty the whole time though. I have always believed that in many situations, ignorance is bliss. The idea that it is better to not know something. I still believe this, there are many things I have learned and known about that I would have been perfectly happy not knowing.
I try to tell my wife what I want and what I need from her. It comes and goes and I am still working on my ability to communicate, not one of my stronger skills.
So its not that I have done and tried nothing and just sit in a constant state of unhappiness in the marriage, I have tried different things. None of it has worked over an extended period of time.

XO13, thank you for understanding and no, you are not alone.

KT, sometimes when people complain, they just want someone to say that their situation sucks and not blame them for it. Yes I do complain about my wife, but everyone needs to be able to do that at times.

What has dishonesty gained you, Tom?

Bliss?

Overall, no.

But avoiding the pain or trouble of those moments seems better than knowing about them.

Just to provide a simple example: One spouse gets home from a hard day at work and a spouse who spent all day at home tells them they lounged around and didn't get much of anything done. I would prefer the spouse who was home to spend a couple minutes before the other gets home atleast making it seem like they accomplished something and then when they explain their day come up with a believable story leaving out the parts where they were not doing anything.

That is just one of many potential examples, where I don't want to know the truth, just tell me what I want to hear in that moment.

Tom, you might like the ignorance is bliss thing but most people do not. Complaints are fine but if I have something that I feel I'm unhappy about that my wife is doing, I will be honest with her. And the common concensus is to do the same. Not being honest means you deal with behaviors that make you upset. The spouse doesn't know it though. And pretty soon resentment starts to build up.

We all think it's just incredibly unfair that you deceive your wife into thinking thinks are rosy in your marriage. It's called being dishonest...lying. If you were honest and saying you were implementing the principles you have here, your marriage wouldn't be like it is.

Or your wife would at least be free to find a marriage with someone that really loves her and would be honest.

You say communication is not your strong suit. However, teachers go through an extensive amount of both psychology classes and communication classes and spend a lot of time communicating and learnign to communicate. You don't communicate well because you choose to.

And what's worse is that because you feel there are things that you wish you had never known, you'll comdemn someone else to this very fate. That's horrible, Tom.

What if your boss was really unhappy about your job performance. And instead of saying something so you could fix it, they just fire you. Their excuse is they didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you you were making mistakes that they didn't like. I'm going to assume that you'd be a bit upset that they weren't honest with you.

So, you want to live a lie? Make all nice and fakey-fakey? You sincerely WANT to be deceived?

Or do you want to come home to someone who has been productive all day? Be honest, with yourself, and with others. Even if it is just to say, "Ya know what? Fake it, and amuse me."

I would prefer to come home and the person has accomplished something to help around the house. But if they have not and instead just took a nap, I don't want to know that. Fudge the truth and avoid me being upset at the reality.

Um, how about you address the reality instead of fudging it?

Nice job of adding the boss/work analogy in there. No I would not be happy with that because of the money involved. If there is something that the boss didn't like I was doing or did, but it didn't really affect the job performance (and trust me, right now alot of that has been going on at the school) then its not something that has to be discussed. But if in the end it will affect me that significantly financially, then that is a situation where the truth is needed. I didn't say ignorance is bliss/better in all situations.
Also, the wife knows that not everything is rosy, she knows that I am not completely happy, she just does not know everything that is causing it. The job is a major factor right now (working on that), but the marriage is also a contributing factor. She knows there are issues there, it is just very hard to deal with them fully at this time with all of the other stress. So I do my best to avoid it and just deal right now. I will say, drinking does help at avoiding some of those issues. When you are not happy at work or at home, need to have something that takes off the edge.

When I do address it, she just feels guilty and gets upset and in turn gets mad at me for making her feel guilty. But the actions don't actually change much. So then I am left with dealing with the emotions and the previous issue is still there. That's a double lose situation.

Tom, Tom...do you have any real life male mentors? Could you print this thread and show it to a man you trust...a man who is where you wish to be...and get his opinion?

You address it until something changes, Tom. Whether it is you or her.

I am not sure why you say this, but I do have someone that I have dicussed many of these issues with. Not at length, but have discussed some.

How many times do you have to address the situation until something changes. When the same thing happens over and over again it just seems redundant. The things that I see as important, she does not as much, she just does not care as much about them. And vice versa.

I like the analogy, too. Plug you and your wife into that analogy. Pretend you are the boss and your wife is the employee. A happy marriage and romantic love is her currency and paycheck. Things she is doing or not doing are affecting the way the boss feels about her job performance. But for some reason the boss won't work with her to improve. It is affecting her "that significantly financially" because she has no idea if she might be about to get fired or if the employer is just going to continue to let her work but make her job miserable. Then what happens when she realizes she could make "good money" somewhere else? With a company that is based on mutual trust and respect? A company culture that emphasizes employee well- being?

I can completely relate to this one... I guess I just need to say things sometimes � Ever since I have started using this forum I have been trying to see the other side of the coin though� and I am starting to see something and I could be way off here. When we complain or don�t complain someone is always hurt, but when we don�t complain its only one person and not the entire household. I think the ultimate goal is to learn how to effectively communicate these �complaints� so they don�t sound like �complaints�� if this even makes sense.

Tom, keep doing what you are doing. Allow your wife to think she lives in a house of brick and wood and glass. When it is really rock candy. Let her think that you are lifting weights to get into shape to please her. When you are really preparing to heft the sledge hammer that will smash the house to pieces. I am sure it will feel great to smash her world to pieces. What with all the pain she has caused you. Don't worry, you won't feel any guilt or remorse over hurting her or misleading her. Revenge is a dish best served cold, right? So it is only fitting that she eventually end up out in the cold, right? Not your problem, right?

Hey, this is pot calling kettle black. I made many of the choices you are making. No way to know if you will eventually feel about them the way I do.