I can't believe it! It blew up the affair!!! I started contacting friends of the OW, even though I was scared out of my mind. OW called my WH and said I was crazy and she couldn't handle it. WH is so angry. I thought he was angry before. I have never seen him so angry and depressed. He yells at me and insults me. I just walk away. He says our marriage is over anyway and can't understand why I pushed her away. He says I ruined his one chance at happiness.

So now is Plan A right? I hope I have the stomach for it.

Awesome...




Just be on guard...more often than not betrayed spouses take a lot of abuse...to the point of NEARLY regretting exposure...after they expose.

What's done is done. You won't regret it in the long run.

Mr. W

Be careful, ICan. You need to find means to verify that contact between them ceases and does not restart.

OW in my situation rang me to tell me that she was moving out of the country where she and my H met (which is Belgium. We live in England and my H used to travel to Belgium for work). She had got a new job in the neighbouring country and was leaving her husband, so would never be in Belgium again. My H was free to travel there, and she was so sorry for what she had done. She felt terrible about ruining his career.

She then put the phone down from me, picked it straight back up and phoned H and told him that it was fine, she had reassured me that it was okay for H to travel again. She'd put me off the scent, in other words.

I'd already told my H that if he ever travelled again I would not be home when he got back, and he never did.

Do not believe what either he or she is telling you. If your H continues to work with this woman, it is very likely that they will talk soon and continue the affair.

I've been the victim of several false recoveries, and I don't want to see you experience one.

ICan,

Yes. I am so very happy for you and pray in my heart that it sticks!

Told you so. Bravo to you!
You husband just had his crack-pipe taken away. The poor baby!

Ican, the affair has been dealt a serious blow, but sometimes the affair continues deeper underground. Ensure that ALL of the exposure is done and take all of the steps for recovery.

Good job on the exposure. Keep strong.

Good job!! Try not to laugh when he babbles his fogbabble at you! His anger will blow over.

Is he still in contact with the skankyhola?

Great job!

As a request: Stick to one thread. Makes it easier to follow you and for others to read the whole history.

Good for you! Don't let little Miss Skankarella come in and steal your H, especially if he is worth keeping. Exposure helped me tremendously but I took it a step further and went to my FWH boss and his x-skanks boss as well as all of their co-workers. They were investigated and almost lost their jobs. If they contacted each other after D-Day they would be immediately dismissed not to mention the embarrassment they both suffered for sneaking around like criminals. Thank goodness my DH didn't get mean and nasty with me because I would have thrown him out like yesterdays garbage. He was very humble and very remorseful.

I don't agree with allowing a FW spouse to verbally abuse you after what they put us through. I don't believe that Plan A means taking further abuse. I think while you should plan A, you should also let your FWH know that his continued abuse WILL NOT be accepted. Keep your eyes open because these cheaters are really slick and they will do anything to get their highs.

cobolgirl is right, Plan A has nothing to do with tolerating abuse!!

Sorry, I will keep it to one thread!

I'm almost positive that the relationship is over because of how angry and depressed he is. He was walking around happy before this. He was excited to move in with her and start their new life. Now he is sulking around because he has no place to go.

So what do I do about his verbal abuse? When I try to walk away he keeps yelling at me that I'm a coward and can't face him. He sends me nasty emails and texts. My friends say he is not worth keeping, but I love him and I believe his anger will end eventually. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me the most. I just keep quiet and keep praying for strength.

Do not assume this for one minute. He's angry because his drug has been taken away. He will likely try to resurrect the A as withdrawal begins.

Ignore his rants. What you've done is very courageous.

The fact that he's so mad shows it is working since you've taken away the addiction. How does a crack addict respond to having the pipe taken away?

When he rants, you calmly say, "I will do what is necessary to save this marriage."

Try to remember this affair, foggied out person isn't the spouse you know and love, sit back and wait for the good guy to return to you, withdrawal takes a bit of time, be patient, and calm .........loving.

Assuming your DH is a good guy worth keeping (some of them aren't) and he wasn't verbally abusive before he is probably going through withdraws from the other skank. I still say, you must explain to him that his abuse will not be tolerated in a calm, nice voice but find out what emotional needs you were not meeting. The EN questionnaire on this site is wonderful. I also suggest calling the Harleys to set up an appointment and try to get your DH to join you. If not, you can call for yourself because you need the support. I also agree with looking your DH in his eyes and telling him that you want to save your M. The OW has been pulling out all of the stops for your DH. That is what women like that do, they find the weaknesses in M and slither their way in like snakes. The OW is an illusion and a woman with no morals. She is a cancer to your M. Become the woman of your DH's dreams. After all, we as wives know more than any little street woman how to please our husbands and we know better than anyone what they need. Your M isn't over because your DH is still in the home.

I've been doing plan A. I've only LB once or twice. I'm not sure I have the strength to do this. WH isn't as surly or depressed, but he's still hurting me with the things he says. I wonder if he's in contact with the OW again or looking for a new one because he doesn't seem as down and that doesn't seem normal. He has blocked all my access to everything, so I'm not sure how to snoop anymore. I think the only reason he is staying is because now he has no where else to go.

Have you tried doing the 180 with him.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.



The logic of this approach lies in the all too often fact that the wayward spouse feels the betrayed spouse are a "given" in their lives and that they (the wayward spouse) are the arbiter of whether the marriage survives (after all, it is all about them). By pulling back, by getting on with your own life and disengaging from the wayward spouse, you tempt them to follow you and away from the Other Person. Kind of like twitching a piece of string in front of a kitten and getting them to follow it across the room. The benefit for the betrayed spouse, even if the marriage does not survive is that both Plan B and the 180 help rebuild self esteem and self reliance which will stand you in good stead regardless.

cobol and Ican,

The 180 is an approach that in some ways conflicts with Dr Harley's Plan A. It was developed by Michele Weiner Davis in her Divorce Busters programme.

It isn't a good idea to recommend approached from other programmes to new posters struggling with an affair. Since they have come to Marriage Builders, they should be helped with Dr Harley's concepts.

Some specific arts of the 180 that conflict with Plan A are:

6: Do not ask for help from family members.

Dr Harley specifically suggests exposing to family members to get their help and support.

8 and 9: Do not buy gifts and do not schedule dates together.

Plan A requires the BS to attempt to meet the ENs that the WS will let them meet. Not buying birthday or Christmas gifts and not arranging dates are not likely to give the WS a good impression of the marriage - which is what Plan A is designed to do.

12 and 15: Acing as if you are moving on with your life and not starting conversations are similarly in conflict with creating a warm and loving marriage during Plan A.

It might be time for Ican to move to Plan B, in which case we should help her set up the arrangements, including child care, an intermediary and a letter. We should help her to go completely dark - and this again is different from the indifference shown to the WS during the 180.

We cannot help if we recommend conflicting plans in situations like this.

The 180 works and is compatible with Plan A. I would argue that it is Plan A in a different name.

There's a few things you can do to spy. Install a keylogger on your computer to get his passwords.

Have you exposed to her chain of command?

The best thing (though the hardest) is to ignore his rants. He's a crack addict. Show indifference to what he says.

I am new here and have a lot of learning yet to do, but 180 and Plan A don't sound remotely the same at all.

As a WW, 180 sounds exactly what I would have wanted BH to do right after d-day - give me my space to continue doing what I wanted to do without pressure from him.

180 sounds more like a weak/crappy Plan B - stop fulfilling the needs, but while still living together (isn't that the Plan C - "compromise" that doesn't work?)

Bottom line, 180 doesn't sound like much of anything useful (to me anyway).