My BH and I are trying bit-by-bit to work through what we need from each other and what precautions are necessary in our situation. I have posted once before, but I am a FWW whose A ended about 1 1/2 yrs ago (NC since D-day).

My H and I have access to each other's cell phones, email, etc. I deleted my Facebook account on D-day, but he has kept his (which I do have access to). So my concern is this...my H has several ex-girlfriends and girls who he has expressed minor interest in (primarily after d-day when he was justifiably very angry) still as friends on his Facebook account. There have not been any inappropriate exchanges, so why does this still make me so uncomfortable? He's not even the one who was unfaithful!!??

Also (and as I'm writing this, I realize how petty it seems), my H is very complimentary to everyone about their accomplishments on Facebook...he praises people, he posts about our kiddos, he gives verbal affection to his family members, etc., but I am NEVER mentioned. He'll even take cute, funny quotes I send him during the day and then post them as his own on Facebook to receive the compliments of others.

It has been less than 2 years since d-day, but although he is doing everything right and seems to be willing to stay married to me, I feel like I'm just not worth it to him. Has anyone else felt this way? Does it pass? Can I ask him to do anything different since I am the FWW?

I suspect this makes you uncomfortable because this is a potential threat to your M. Your H should not have anyone as a friend if you are uncomfortable with that. This has nothing to do with your affair history. It's a measure of protection for your M. All it takes is one inappropriate exchange.


Have you spoken with him about this? What does he say about this?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2441844#Post2441844


It was for me, so I deleted my account. Been lazy, going to set up an account for the both of us to share. We do have a lot of family on FB.

An A forever changes the dynamic of a M, it would be wise - and respectful - of him to guard himself against temptation.

I'd say either the two of you have one FB account as a couple, or no FB at all.

He does not get to flaunt the rules just because he did not have an A. The rules should be the same for both of you - not as punishment, but as protection for the marriage.

I have to disagree here. I have a FB account where I have friends, family, and people I once dated. I hide nothing and it is totally open to my wife.

FB let me meet with my gradeschool best friend that I hadn't seen in 24 years and it lets my family see my kids. I don't even talk to people I use to date. They're simply on my list of contacts.

FB isn't the problem. You're insecure because of what you did and are now projecting.

I would erase my ex gf's if it really bothered my wife. But I don't talk to them either on FB or off of it.

Does he talk to them or are they simply people on his contact list?

Thank you for your insight (and for not making me feel like I was crazy). I have not spoken directly to him about the lack of verbal affection for me. It has been discussed very briefly on other occassions - he says it's easy for him to be proud of our kids and his family members and friends, but he cannot be 'proud' of someone who could do what I have done or put him through what I did.

I can understand not wanting to be proud of me (or really even acknowledging me to others) because of my actions, but I'm not sure how to gain a tougher skin. This hurts.

I did mention us having a joint FB account, and although he didn't seem opposed to the idea, he definitely did not take any steps in that direction. I think he sees that as me limiting his own set of personal friends (many from his high school who do not know me).

I so desperately wish I could have forseen the years of unbelievable heartache when I was in the midst of my selfishness. Absolutely nothing is worth this.

No, Facebook is a huge problem. All it would take would be for one of H's friends to contact him.
I agree that the FB account should be shared or deleted.

Help -
I defintely see your point; my insecurities are at an all-time high. My H is an extremely attractive, kind-hearted, generous, successful man, and he's expressed concern that he cannot let me meet his ENs because of his hurt. Because of this, I'm worried that someone else will be able to fill that void - someone who does not have a past of hurting him so terribly.

No, as far as I can tell, he does not talk with any ex-gfs, just occassionally reads their walls and sees what is going on in their lifes. There was one woman with whom there was an inappropriate text exchange recently; when I found out about it (he did lie to cover it up), I asked him to remove her from FB, and send her an email to end all personal and professional contact. He did.

That event did open both of our eyes to the fact that he may be more vulnerable to letting someone else meet his ENs than we both thought.

He needs to absolutely take down his account or put you on there with him.

Take it down, or share it as a couple. My WS was contacted by an old boyfriend on FB. He had been following her posts concerning her upcoming donation of a kidney to a family member. He asked if he could call her to check on her after the transplant. She gave him her number. It all started very innocently. That was in February. By July- EA. By Sept.- PA, "in love". Nov.- moves out. All of this in less than 9 months. Facebook can be a HUGE problem. That's why I'm here. TAKE IT DOWN OR SHARE IT!

Ok...so if/when I ask him for us to either share the account or remove ourselves from FB altogether, how do I phrase it such that I don't trust him or I'm not trying to control every person he has contact with.

Again, I'm stuck in this tug-of-war such that he hasn't done anything wrong, but he's vulnerable, but I'm the one who had the A, but he's having to pay the price.

Is it just my guilt over my past making me run in circles?

KF, I know what you mean about insecurities. I am insecure when I get into a car with a drunk driver. Should I go to therapy and get my head examined [for being "insecure?] or I should stop getting in cars with drunk drivers? It is a difficult quandry....

Just kidding!! Of course you should be insecure! He is engaging in risky behavior. IT is just simple common sense. He should not have opposite sex friendships unless they are couples with whom you are BOTH friends. This is exactly how affairs start. They show up here on this board every day!!

Are Friends a Threat to Marriage?

Naw, its just your common sense and your love of your husband kicking in. Just print up this article and hand it to him:

Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

I am with Total on this one. Facebook can lead to absolutely devastating consequences. Be careful and lose the account.

I also want to point out that BS's are at a higher risk to have a revenge affair. I would be even more worried about it after he tells you that he isn't letting you meet his ENs right now, and he isn't protecting himself from allowing others to meet them.

Does your BH do MB? Has he read the books?

Hi KeepFighting,


What do you mean by if/when? You should not bottle it up just because you had an affair. Speak up, this is your marriage as much it is his. Don't use "you-talk", like you are wrong or you are hurting me, use the "I-talk" instead, it bothers me, hurts my feelings.

My affair was supported by msn-talks mostly, so after exposure I deleted the account and I have never gone back. I have no other accounts other that skype acct with my H only. I remember struggling with the thought that should I ask my H to cut off his msn-communication. I asked him, he did it, because I KNOW exactly how it goes, he trusted my fear. We believe that once there has been an affair, there is no way back to the same devices or channels of communications as it was during an affair or pre-affair. It is not the price you pay, it is the act of protection - it is for the protection of marriage and both parties should protect it. You are very right to be concerned. In fact, I would be extremely concerned if I found my H to occasionally follow his exgf's profiles, I would say he is fishing and looking for trouble

My experience with FB:

I have a FB account. My FWW has a FB account. The OM also has a FB account, and I won't be surprised if the OMGF (if she still is his GF) has a FB account as well.

AFAIK, my FWW has made no attempt to even look at the OM's FB page (I've peeked once or twice, only to check on how many friends we share).

In fact, my only concern now about my FWW and FB is the amount of time she spends on it playing FB games like "Cafe World". She's becoming what I was like years ago when I was hooked on computer games.

I've had at least one "friend" and one acquaintance flirt with me on FB. I ignored their attempts and they ended there and then.

Keepfighting,

I totally understand your difficulty in addressing this issue. My DH hates FB and hated it before as well but he has other loose boundaries that I have been loathe to address. When I try he gets very defensive and reacts with a what right do you have after what you did.

He recently referred to FB as a "fantasy land". I agreed with him. He has always felt that way; however, he was more then willing to enter porn sights and other "forums". If I try to address that descrepency, he says that I am "justifying" my affair.

There was a just a newstory on Good Morning America about this very thing. Maybe watch it on the computer and use that for a basis of discussion.

Good luck to you. It is a hard place to be in.

After reading all of the advice on this forum (for which I am SO thankful!), I asked my H last night if we could discuss some things that I was uncomfortable with. Unfortunately, it did not go well at all.

I asked him what he thought of either having a joint FB account or removing his account for a period of time (at least until we were BOTH more comfortable in our recovery as a couple). I also told him that I was hurt by the fact that I am never acknowledged on his posts, whereas he is quick and generous with recognizing other family, friends, etc.

He became extremely defensive and said that it's insulting to him to have to delete his entire social life because of my mistakes in life. He wants to maintain his own social circle, and he is extremely embarrassed by the fact that we are "trying" to work on our marriage. He said he doesn't mention me because he doesn't want people to know about his 'romantic' life.

He does still say in his profile that he is married, and he says that is enough information for people. He posts when he is proud of someone, but he is currently incapable of being proud of me for anything.

I asked him if he truly wants to be married to me, and he says yes, but that he wants to keep that fact between us. I'm not quite sure why I'm so hurt by this except to say that I'm not sure how to act in a marriage where my spouse is ashamed of me. Trust me, I know why he is ashamed (I know it's even more than my own shame that I will live with every day), but I'm not sure how to handle this.

Anytime I mention something that bothers me or hurts or something I think we should work on together, his reply is the equivalent of, "This is nothing compared to what you did to me.", or "This is the situation you chose for yourself." I know that there is (and will likely always be) a lot of pain, hurt, and devestation behind his words, but does it ever decrease? It's been about a year and a half, and the punishment feels just as forceful now as it did shortly following d-day.

KF, the facebook discussion is important, but I'm going to take a step back from it and ask:

Does your H say positive, respectful, uplifting things about you to your face? Does he give you affirmation one on one?