I went away for the weekend, a week later my H asked for a separation. A week and half later I found out that he had slept with another while I was away, he states that this was the first time.<BR>I moved out as soon as he asked for the separation, and have now been avoiding all contact with him. He is having a relationship with her (his co-worker, and the boss's daughter).<BR>We have nothing to keep us tied together except our vows (no children, or property).<BR>We have been separated now 4 weeks, <BR>WHAT AM I DOING?? Any suggestions to help him back into my life?<P>------------------<BR>

Welcome down-under...<P>You're the first person I've ever communicated with from New Zealand!<P>We really need to know much more information about yourself....<BR>We aren't nosey... but to help you... we need more background...<P>How long have you been married...<BR>Do you really want him back in your life...<BR>The first recommendation... if you want him in your life... you might consider moving back with him... but we need to know more of the circumstances.<P>This site <B>is</B> very much for those who want to make a plan on how to cope... how to live... how to somtimes just survive...<BR>For the betrayed... for the betrayer... occasionally for the other person(OP/OW/OM).<P>If you're just starting off... go through all the pages are Marriage Builder's... Plan A/Plan B... Books... everything!<P>There is a lot of comfort here... and don't be afraid... we are not judgmental. We care about all who come hear in dispair... and are hurting... share with us...<P>Jim<BR>---------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...<P><BR>

More information ....<BR>our 2nd aniversary is next month, we having been living together for a total of five years, and we were going out for about 2-3years prior to that, straight from high school together.<BR>i have been reading his needs/her needs and wonder if i have been taking him for granted and maybe only fifulling a few of his needs, he is quiet and not very communicative, and so it is hard to know what is going on with him. he is insisting on a separation, and wants us to tidy up the bank accounts etc asap so we can both go our own ways, i have written him a letter saying that i will take him back, but at this point he is running away as fast as he can. i have even heard that he has applied for a job out of town.<BR>i am planning my OE for next year, because i want to get away from everything here too!!<BR>Will my patience prove worthwhile - but what do i mean by worthwhile, i guess only time will tell whether he has any feelings left for me.

HTG,<P>Sounds kinda like he has been having this affair for sometime, and maybe now believes he is love..?????<P>There is not much you can do to get him back into your life if he doesnt want that...so all you can do is examine what you really want...and if it includes him then all you can do is convey that to him and allow it to take its course...if he comes back to you then he is meant to stay if he does not then maybe he was never yours in the first place..???<P>Just a note....some guys cannot take responsibility because of deep pain and hurt way back when...and when they are in a de facto relationship they feel safe cos the back door is always open for escape...and when the door is closed finally in marriage, the fear of being hemmed in is almost unbearable and escape becomes a high priority....(fear of intimacy is very common)<P>This behaviour is motivated by deep pain and hurt and does need expert help to access, and for some guys that is too scary to contemplate....so gentle support is the only thing they can handle....and an affair without responsibilities provides such support, but as soon as the responsibilities enter that relationship the old fears come up again and escape becomes a priority once more...<P>This can happen with females also...and some famous ones like Liz Taylor, and Zsa Zsa Gabor come to mind....<P>Your self esteem and self worth can take a dive when something like this happens..so its important to keep reaffirming to yourself that this is his decision nothing to do with you...it is not your fault he is afraid....(in these situations he can only feel pain and fear of loss around those he loves deeply and most times will not be aware why, so will blame you or his marriage until he has therapy or deep insight to see the truth)..<P>Repeat::::It is not your fault he is running...it has nothing to do with beauty, sex, attractiveness, or how you behave...it is a much deeper problem and is within him not in your marriage!!!... not even related to you....so keep your faith in you and trust in yourself that you did not do anything to cause this...and it was his decision not yours...hold your head high with your integrity intact....and be gentle with yourself....dont condemn yourself or feel guilty...you have nothing to condemn yourself for and nothing to feel guilty about....<P>Peace be with you....<P>cossie<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

Let me give you some "weird" thoughts:<P>a) Thankfully no kids involved to complicate decisions.<P>b) You've found this problem out relatively early in your relationship.<P>The way I see it you have two choices - first , stick it out and make sure that you treat him well with no outburst or arguments (read the stuff about Plan A here - it seems to work). Or cut your losses and move on while you haven't invested a ton of time and are relatively young.<P>My personal gut reaction is I'd try the Plan A stuff for a period of time and if that didn't work I'd be thinking about making an exit. In any instance, I would make sure that Kids couldn't come into the equation until the relatinship is stable.<P>From the little you told, it almost seems that your husband had something going on for a while.<P>Hang in there!<P>Paul

Helen--<P>From your post, it is unclear to me if you are willing to do the work it will take to get him back. Do you love him enough to "fight" for your marriage? <P>I've learned a lot from this site. Before I found it, I believed that a betrayee had the right to act wounded, hurt and resentful and that the betrayer, if recalitrant enough, would wise up and save the day. It doesn't work that way in reality. The betrayer has a lot of unmet emotional needs, symptoms of what created the infidelity in the first place. They must be wooed back, gently and patiently, before there's any hope of a return caring of the betrayee's needs. <P>The quiet ones are the most difficult to read. They rarely make a fuss, until one day, they just can't handle it any more and make a decision to take care of themselves. It's a confusing time for them. They may fancy themselves in love with the OW/OM because time after time their spouse has not met their needs, so why bother trying.<P>Your letter to H may have conveyed to him exactly what he didn't need to hear--that you are willing to take him back--as in, he was wrong, you are guiltless, and he will have to fix everything to make the relationship work. He may feel tired of fixing everything. He may need to hear what you will do...to help fix things. And that, you love him and didn't realize he was hurting. (remember, his affair feels "easy" compared to all the work necessary to stay with you)<P>Tell us what you are thinking, feeling.

I offer you my experience in hopes that it may help you decide your path.<P>Lucks posted some very important points. The fact that you are reading and trying to learn about all of this is a good sign. Meeting emotional needs is important but communication is too! The issues that were a part of the contributing elements to your situation in my experience are just as important as how you decide to "Handle" this earthquake in your relationship.<P>After years of really not undersanding the importance and priority of truly meeting emotional needs I too adopted the feelings of "It Will Never Change" and "Why Bother". The last 81/2 years of my marriage were pretty much void of any caring and love. I tried but the emotional side kept drifting further and further apart. After the 8 1/2 years of no intimacy and my W always making it clear that our intimate and sexual part was not going to happen I strayed.<P>Now we had to really decide to work harder on our relationship than we ever had in our life. What we did from this point on was probably just as important, (if not more) than the fact that I betrayed.<P>We never found the road back. Plan A lasted 60 days, plan B lasted 7 days and the rest is history. So, read all you can, get help from a professional, individually and together if necessary, try (and boy is it difficult)to stay away from the love busters because they will knock you off course. Identifying emotional needs for each of you and meeting them takes work. In the short term, you need to get past the pain, fear and keep the anger from setting back any progress you both can make.<P>I hope you are successful on finding your road back to your relationship.<P>mr rlk<P>

umm,<BR>thanks for all the words,<BR>didn't mention that H was caught in bed with OW by her on again, off again partner. OW has a child.<BR>So, one week after he was caught he told me that he did not know if he wanted to be married. It came as a complete surprise, and two days later he asked for a separation. I moved out that night, can't be separated and live in the same house. For the next week he would call me asking to talk, and then ring back and say no, I don't want to talk. Four days after I moved out he said he wanted me to move back, and then another four days later he said that he wanted a separation and then a few days after that said that he had feelings for someone - but would not admit that he had already started a physical relationship with the OW.He said that he asked me back because he felt sorry for me. A couple of months ago he drew me a picture of him kissing me, and underneath wrote that he loved me - does this mean anything? He has told me know that he doesn't love me, he cares about me, but that is all and that we have growen apart.<BR>I don't know how to fight for him, especially when I know that he is seeing her, and I am "out" of the picture, so to speak. In the letter I wrote him I said that I am now aware that I was not meeting his needs, but that he had the oppoirtunity to raise those issues with me. How can I now met any of his needs if I am not there daily? And I ended the letter by telling him that I thought he was wonderful, regardless of what happens - is that making deposits into his love bank? I rang his answer phone this morning about some stuff, and then added that I hoped that he had had a nice day. It is our wedding anniversary in a few weeks, do I do anything about that?<BR>I am waiting for my parents to help me get my belongings out of the house we were sharing. And then what?? continue making calls to his answer phone to say nice things to him, is that enough???